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  • FIRST POST
    • Philycheesesteak
    • By Philycheesesteak 17th May 10, 1:19 PM
    • 832Posts
    • 1,520Thanks
    Philycheesesteak
    Follow these 14 simple tests before you decide to have children.
    • #1
    • 17th May 10, 1:19 PM
    Follow these 14 simple tests before you decide to have children. 17th May 10 at 1:19 PM
    FOLLOW THESE 14 SIMPLE TESTS BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO HAVE CHILDREN.

    Test 1 - Preparation

    Women: To prepare for pregnancy:-
    1. Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.
    2. Leave it there.
    3. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.

    Men: To prepare for children:-
    1. Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself
    2. Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
    3. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.

    Test 2 - Knowledge

    Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which
    they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior.

    Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.


    Test 3 - Nights

    To discover how the nights will feel:

    1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
    2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
    3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
    4. Set the alarm for 3am.
    5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
    6. Go to bed at 2.45am.
    7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
    8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
    9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
    10. Make breakfast.


    Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.

    Test 4 - Dressing Small Children

    1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
    2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out.

    Time Allowed: 5 minutes.

    Test 5 - Cars

    1. Forget the BMW. Buy a practical 5-door wagon.
    2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
    3. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.
    4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.
    5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

    Test 6 - Going For a Walk

    Wait
    Go out the front door
    Come back in again
    Go out
    Come back in again
    Go out again
    Walk down the front path
    Walk back up it
    Walk down it again
    Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
    Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
    Retrace your steps
    Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you.
    Give up and go back into the house.

    You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.


    Test 7

    Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.

    Test 8 - Grocery Shopping

    1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
    2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight.
    3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.

    Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

    Test 9 - Feeding a 1 year-old

    1. Hollow out a melon
    2. Make a small hole in the side
    3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side
    4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.
    5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
    6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.

    Test 10 - TV

    1. Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney.
    2. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.

    Test 11 - Mess

    Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:

    1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains
    2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
    3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?
    4. Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house onto the floor & leave it there.

    Test 12 - Long Trips with Toddlers

    1. Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mummy' repeatedly. Important Notes: No more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy. Include occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet.
    2. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years.

    You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

    Test 13 - Conversations

    1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.
    2. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the Mummy tape listed above.

    You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

    Test 14 - Getting ready for work

    1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.
    2. Put on your finest work attire.
    3. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it
    4. Stir
    5. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt
    6. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture
    7. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel
    8. Do not change (you have no time).
    9. Go directly to work

    You are now ready to have children. ENJOY!!
Page 1
    • POSSETTE
    • By POSSETTE 20th May 10, 7:40 PM
    • 1,413 Posts
    • 836 Thanks
    POSSETTE
    • #2
    • 20th May 10, 7:40 PM
    • #2
    • 20th May 10, 7:40 PM
    brill love it
    TO FINISH LAST, FIRST YOU HAVE TO FINISH....
  • sandiep
    • #3
    • 20th May 10, 7:44 PM
    • #3
    • 20th May 10, 7:44 PM
    Feeding Children 1+

    Spend several hours lovingly making a homecooked meal, from fresh ingrediants bought with care. Then throw the lot uneaten in the kitchen bin.

    Repeat daily for 5 years.
    • jenniewb
    • By jenniewb 23rd May 10, 3:54 AM
    • 12,220 Posts
    • 11,524 Thanks
    jenniewb
    • #4
    • 23rd May 10, 3:54 AM
    • #4
    • 23rd May 10, 3:54 AM
    Lol- I don't have kids but having seen from afar:

    Beg/borrow/steal a shopping trolley- or if your brave, a shopping basket and fill with several 2L bottles of drink and some of those muscial toys which repeat on demand.

    Go to the nearest bus stop.

    Attempt to plough the trolley onto the bus, apologise to everyones ankels as you rip them off, then realising you cannot fit onto the bus, leave. Wait for the next bus (possibly 30 mins, possibly 45 mins).

    Attempt to get onto the bus, start playing with the toys, apologise for the noise they create and the "can kill" looks you will be getting. Try to ignore the people who may want the space you occupy with your "rather large" shopping trolley.

    Try very hard to keep the bottles of drink upright, they can spill if they are knocked over too harshly.

    Step two, attempt the train. The best time to do this it would seem is 8.30am as this is when everyone else with a 3 foot buggy likes to travel.

    You are now able to travel on public transport.
    • mrcow
    • By mrcow 23rd May 10, 7:56 PM
    • 14,427 Posts
    • 30,435 Thanks
    mrcow
    • #5
    • 23rd May 10, 7:56 PM
    • #5
    • 23rd May 10, 7:56 PM
    Get a friend to help you clean your house.

    You clean every room to perfection. Once finished, your friend enters said room and enters contents of all drawers and shelves over the floor.

    Repeat with all rooms in your house ad nauseum for 10 years.

    At selected intervals, shout at friend to pick up items and watch as they attempt to break the Guinness record for the slowest time for getting something into a box.
    "One day I realised that when you are lying in your grave, it's no good saying, "I was too shy, too frightened."
    Because by then you've blown your chances. That's it."
    • xmaslolly76
    • By xmaslolly76 31st May 10, 9:01 PM
    • 3,928 Posts
    • 10,661 Thanks
    xmaslolly76
    • #6
    • 31st May 10, 9:01 PM
    • #6
    • 31st May 10, 9:01 PM
    Sprinkle lego librally across the Landing and attempt to get to the bathroom in the night without breaking your neck or screaming out in pain :-)
    Friends are like fabric you can never have enough
    • Glad
    • By Glad 12th Jun 10, 9:16 PM
    • 17,758 Posts
    • 38,291 Thanks
    Glad
    • #7
    • 12th Jun 10, 9:16 PM
    • #7
    • 12th Jun 10, 9:16 PM
    makes you wonder why anyone ever goes on to have a second
    I'm a Board Guide on the Money Savers Arms, Discussion Time, Wales, Competitions, Marriage Relationships & Families, Health and Pet Care boards. However, please do remember, board guides don't read every post. if you spot an inappropriate or illegal post then please report it to forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com (it's not part of my role to deal with reportable posts). Any views are mine and not the official line of MoneySavingExpert.com
    Compers please read the Comping Guide
    • basil92
    • By basil92 13th Jun 10, 6:04 PM
    • 10,816 Posts
    • 28,160 Thanks
    basil92
    • #8
    • 13th Jun 10, 6:04 PM
    • #8
    • 13th Jun 10, 6:04 PM
    makes you wonder why anyone ever goes on to have a second
    Originally posted by Glad
    That's exactly why I didn't

    Great Post OP
    If you want somebody you can trust...trust yourself


    Basil - Lovely, a sensitive soul with legs designed for the catwalk
    Originally posted by Chopper98
    • Philycheesesteak
    • By Philycheesesteak 15th Jun 10, 11:20 AM
    • 832 Posts
    • 1,520 Thanks
    Philycheesesteak
    • #9
    • 15th Jun 10, 11:20 AM
    • #9
    • 15th Jun 10, 11:20 AM
    makes you wonder why anyone ever goes on to have a second
    Originally posted by Glad
    To get through the 'I'm bored' stage... i.e. "Go and play out with your brother/sister"

    __________________________________________________ ____________ I was a sibling and always wanted to be an only child, my wife was an only child who wanted a sibling... which is best??
    • azjh77
    • By azjh77 15th Jun 10, 2:15 PM
    • 908 Posts
    • 1,947 Thanks
    azjh77
    These things are so true... and I've got 4 of them, so just as my eldest starts her 'stroppy teenage' phase, I'm still doing the 'break your neck tripping over lego' and the classic 'MUM. MUM MUM. s/hes got my....(whatever) MUM MUM, tell her/him..MUM.....

    Remind me why we bother again.......



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