Wish I could help son out!!

gilly41 · 4 March 2006 at 3:58PM

Hi
I had my lightbulb moment back in Dec and since then hubby and I have been trying to get everything sorted. I know compared to a lot of people our debts arent huge(About £6500) but it is still a big worry and I knew we had to get it sorted.
Thankfully it is all now falling in to place and I know that by Xmas we will be well on the way to having Capital one cleared and the catalogue paid off.My kids are both away at Uni and my son has just found out today that he has been accepted to go to America for 8 weeks in the summer. He is doing a Sports Coaching Foundation Degree and he will be over in California coaching for 8 weeks(he gets paid £170 a week for this after his "keep" but has his flight etc to pay for up front)
I would really like to help him out but feel annoyed with myself cos we dont have any spare cash to help him. I see other parents helping their kids out at uni and wish we were in a position to help him. Hubby says I am being daft and that we have done plenty over the years!!!Just think I am having one of those days where it all seems so hard - scrimping and saving!!!
xxx

*Sparkle*_3 · 4 March 2006 at 4:03PM

You'll prob find that most of the parents that are over helping their kids are in alot more debt than you!
We all like to do the best for our kids but sometimes we just have to say no, doesnt make you a bad parent.
Perhaps you could help him by suggesting ways he could earn the extra cash?
The grass isnt always greener on the other side of the fence, you may see all these parents helping out their kids but like i said they are prob drowning in debt!

Dont feel so bad!

mom23 · 4 March 2006 at 4:08PM

Hi gilly
I've just had daughter on phone asking me to visit her at uni (all the other mums have been!!)
I can't!! i cannot afford the train fare, i cannot afford the time off from my partime job, and that's without finding someone to look after my other two children!!!
I feel useless, i know it's my fault we are in debt :mad: and i am trying so hard to get us out of it!!
I feel dreadfull keep telling her i can't afford it!!! but what else can i do!

vixxen · 4 March 2006 at 4:10PM

Please don't beat yourself up over it and certainly don't get yourself into even more debt because you feel bad you can't help. I'm sure your son won't hold it against you if you say you'd love to help but can't this time. In a few years time you may find yourself in a position to help him out with something towards a deposit for a house or something he will appreciate more in the long term

gilly41 · 4 March 2006 at 5:18PM

Thanks for all the replies!
Aww mom23 I know exactly how you feel. I managed to get to see my son this week(he is up in Preston- is that where your daughter is at? I seem to remember you telling me!) after putting it off for weeks cos we too didnt have the cash. I managed to make £40 on ebay and i used that- I too felt guilty cos every parent had been and taken them out for a pub meal etc etc.
It is soo hard isnt it!!! Dont beat yourself up either!!Will she be back for the Easter hols?
xxx

mom23 · 4 March 2006 at 5:26PM

Hi gilly thanks
she's in manchester and i'm stuck here in norwich, but as you say she will come home for easter, it just seems a long time since i last saw her just after xmas.

sanfrancisco · 4 March 2006 at 5:42PM

Why don't you try and do something together to earn the extra money. Instead of giving your money you would be giving your time. Cleaning cars, making stuff and selling on ebay, eeerrrrmmmm???

gilly41 · 4 March 2006 at 5:44PM

Hi
My daughter is at the UEA!!! Small world - she lives with her boyfriend in Norwich and I havent seen her since last May!!
She didnt come back for Xmas as they had just got a flat and wanted to spend it there!She works in Boots on a weekend in the town centre!
I wont see her til July when we are coming down for her graduation. It is a 4.5 hour drive for us- we are up in Co. Durham. Going to have a few days in Yarmouth and make a bit of a holiday out of it!!!
Son is at Preston and thats a 2 hour drive too!!!
xx

magentadreamer · 4 March 2006 at 5:52PM

Gilly, don't beat yourself up over it. My Mum bought us up on a shoe string, when she was in her early 30's she went to Uni -money was so tight it was untrue. But I remember a childhood that full of love and a Mum I could talk to and always knew would be there for me.We might not have had all the material things in life but it didn't matter -I think we learnt what was important in life if you get my drift. I'm sure your son feels the same way.In years to come you'll be able to help your son out I'm sure, in the mean time if finances can stretch to it why not start a lose change jar to buy him a few dollars before he goes? But if it can't then don't feel bad about it, remember those parents who help their kids out may well be parents who are hiding their heads in the sand financially so to speak.

zincoxide · 4 March 2006 at 5:59PM

Not being a parent, I cannot empathise with any of the posters. But as a son that got himself into some serious debt at a young age, I'm thinking this post may be useful.

I to was at College & Uni, relying on the bank of Mum & Day every so often to bail me out. Kind of wish at times that they had said no, as I always felt I had more money to spend than I actually did - it certainly didn't help me learn the value of money AND I ended up with massive debts of over £24k by the age of 21.

It may be more useful to advise your son to get himself a part-time job where he can make good money (sales as the harder you work the more you get paid due to commission), then if he cannot save it himself, get him to pay his wages into your account, save a set amount for him and give him the rest as pocket money.

May seem a little patronising for an older son but when it comes to going to America and he has a cushion of cash - he'll be very impressed and this should help show the value of money.

The extra work load shouldn't make too much of an impact on his uni work - I'm working full time at the moment AND doing a full-time degree, neither of them suffers providing I manage my time properly.

Finally - don't kick yourself, get yourself out of debt first and re-organise your own finances, there is always people worse of than you are.

gilly41 · 4 March 2006 at 6:09PM

Aww thanks everyone!
I know that my kids realise that we dont have much cash and both of them have always had part time jobs to fund the extras.My son has got soooo many applications in at the moment- but he doesnt seem to be having any luck getting a part time job. He has a car(that his dads, me exs, parents have bought for him!) so he doesnt have a problem getting to work- he just cant seem to find anything!!!
When he is home for the summer he always works through Manpower and takes most of the cash back to Uni with him.
Thanks again everyone for your advice
xxx

Wish I could help son out!!

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