Wedding Gifts

AlisonCJ · 31 August 2017 at 11:31AM

We are getting married in October, everything is just fine with one exception. It's stupid, but is now starting to upset me so I just wondered if anyone had any ideas as I'm all out of them!

We absolutely recognise that weddings cost guests a fair amount, travel, hotels, child care etc etc. For that reason we thought, while it's lovely to receive gifts, we wouldn't request any, or make a list. We included no info on gifts on the invites.

When people asked, it all started fine..... There's no need, we recognise the cost you've incurred joining us for the day, we'd just like you to come and have fun and enjoy the day, no gifts required....

However recently it's turned to......'So you resented attending our wedding and buying us a gift', 'But we're getting married next year and if you say no gifts then we have to as well and we don't want that' ... and other similar replies

I'm not ungrateful for anyone who wants to give us anything, but I just don't want people who've already been to 3 or 4 weddings this year and will have a similar number next year to have more expense when some are still paying for their wedding, or saving for houses, furnature etc. Anything anyone does bring will be received with thanks.

All we want is our friends and family to come and share our day, but we seem to be upsetting those who've recently married or are all set for next year - without meaning to do so.

Any thoughts on perhaps a better way of explaining our thinking so I stop offending people that I was really only trying to be considerate to?

gettingtheresometime · 31 August 2017 at 1:23PM

you really can't do right for doing wrong can you lol?

I don't want to make you feel worse as you obviously meant well but I'm wondering if you phrased it badly and as a result, people have misunderstood what you were trying to say and as a result have taken humbridge.

I understand what you were trying to say but if I went to a wedding, regardless of my current situation, then I would feel that it was wrong not to give a gift, however small.

If you really don't want physical gifts because of the expense then why not just put out a round robin email saying that you really didn't want to offend anyone but your main want for the day, apart from becoming a married woman, is that everyone enjoys themselves. However if they really feel that they want to give a gift then a small cash gift would be acceptable....or even a donation to your favourite charity could be made?

By saying small you're not putting pressure on people to give a fortune & they're happy that they're giving you a gift. And afterwards I would let everyone know what you bought with any cash gifts

AlisonCJ · 31 August 2017 at 3:34PM

Thank you! You did make me laugh and yes I'm sure it's probably just we're not really getting the sentiment behind our message across.... all about the words used!

I just came off the phone with one of my oldest friends who suggested sending a note to all, not mentioning costs anywhere but after saying all the stuff about we just want you to enjoy our special day, adding something like the only gift we would like from you is a message or card so we can build a book of memories or something like that....... She said she'd email me some words because it obviously didn't seem to be my strong point and I'd probably manage to get that wrong too :-)

gettingtheresometime · 31 August 2017 at 4:53PM

AlisonCJ wrote: »

Thank you! You did make me laugh and yes I'm sure it's probably just we're not really getting the sentiment behind our message across.... all about the words used!

I just came off the phone with one of my oldest friends who suggested sending a note to all, not mentioning costs anywhere but after saying all the stuff about we just want you to enjoy our special day, adding something like the only gift we would like from you is a message or card so we can build a book of memories or something like that....... She said she'd email me some words because it obviously didn't seem to be my strong point and I'd probably manage to get that wrong too :-)

Actually that's a very good idea !

Along the same lines why don't you ask the guests to bring a photo showing you and/or your intended with the guest throughout the ages.

Then if you can still get them, get the corners that people used to stick photographs into albums and then the guests can stick the photograph into one of those books that seem to be passed around at weddings these days along with a suitable caption.

I'm sure there would be a lot of fun looking at you both throughout the years !

Timpu · 31 August 2017 at 7:37PM

Donations to charities, give people a few to choose from that mean something to you both. Difficult to argue without looking a bit mean.

AlisonCJ · 31 August 2017 at 8:37PM

Lol at the photos, that's a real cool idea.

I don't dislike the charity angle, but the whole point was trying to stop people spending money so I'm thinking this whole memory thing might be the way to go...

And may well be quite funny - or highly embarassing, but hey if we can't laugh at ourselves......!

gettingtheresometime · 31 August 2017 at 8:50PM

AlisonCJ wrote: »

Lol at the photos, that's a real cool idea.

I don't dislike the charity angle, but the whole point was trying to stop people spending money so I'm thinking this whole memory thing might be the way to go...

And may well be quite funny - or highly embarassing, but hey if we can't laugh at ourselves......!

Have a great day!

Jodzz · 13 September 2017 at 2:49PM

We live in E. Yorkshire and getting married in North Wales, so expecting folk to make quite a trip. We've lived with each other for years now so we need nothing. I have made sure on our invites to put something along the lines of "having you at our wedding is a gift enough for us, so don't feel you need to splash out on a gift, we are happy with just your presence blah blah"

I feel it says well enough that we don't expect anyone to buy us anything, but I haven't said strictly speaking no gifts, so hopefully it won't offend anyone nor stop stop anyone if they would like to buy something small.

I'm hoping that sorts our similar issue out to yours but I'm yet to hand out our invites, have only just handed out the save the dates!

ska_lover · 18 September 2017 at 12:57PM

AlisonCJ wrote: »

However recently it's turned to......'So you resented attending our wedding and buying us a gift', 'But we're getting married next year and if you say no gifts then we have to as well and we don't want that' ... and other similar replies

'and one day, you will have a shock when you realise the planet earth revolves around the sun, and not you' - Would be my response to these people

This kind of thing really gets my goat - its about other people trying to put themselves in your situation and turn it round to be about them, somehow. It's a bit narcissistic

To be honest I would definitely un-invite these sensitive souls

lika_86 · 18 September 2017 at 9:56PM

Are you readers? I've suggested this on this board to people before, but if you like books, why not suggest people gift you their favourite book? That way it's a wrapped gift to pacify people who want to give something but it's going to be of limited cost to people. Plus, books!

Fuzzy_Duck · 1 October 2017 at 7:06PM

I'm shocked you have to deal with that kind of nonsense to be honest. I didn't mention gifts on my wedding invites for the same reason. We had a few people ask us what we wanted, and explained that it wasn't necessary. Not a single person took offence by it. If anyone makes such a daft comment again I'd point out that no one should feel obligated to do the same things you did at your wedding.

If anyone else asks, I would just say there's nothing you really need but they're welcome to bring a gift of their choosing if they don't want to come empty handed. A lot of people gave us money for our honeymoon so that might be a good suggestion. I think a lot of guests these days consider money the easiest option, especially as it takes up no space and they can just slip it into a card.

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