What is the best way to handle mentioned my deceased Dad during my speech?

mickburkejnr · 18 July 2017 at 12:47PM

So in about 6 weeks time I'm getting married. I'm not at all nervous, I'm looking forward to it. The only thing I'm worried about is the speech, and it's not even the whole speech. It's the bit where I mention my Dad.

He died over 4 years ago from a stroke, and it wasn't the best of situations as anyone who's lost loved ones to it will know. We kept a vigil at the bedside 24/7 for 6 days until he passed. I wasn't there, I had gone home with that feeling that it'd be the last time I'd see him. My soon to be wife was with me at the time, knew him, as did a few of her family. Her grandad doesn't shut up about him even though he only met him the once. So more or less everyone present will have met him at some point.

I've spoken to a few people I know about the speech, mostly women, and most of them have said their husbands had the same problem. They want to do the best they possibly can, but they don't want to ruin it by blubbering through it, and more or less always end up blubbering through it. I've also been to a wedding of a friend of my fiancee's and her dad died shortly after mine did. I never saw her upset, but when her husband mentioned him in the speech he broke down in to bits. I know, if I gave the speech right now, I'd be rolled up on the floor crying like the last chap nearly did.

Plus, while I'm sure it won't be the case, there will be people at the wedding who will want to see how I mention it. I didn't give a speech at his funeral, something which I regret now, so this will be the only real time I'll have mentioned him in public.

I want to know if there's anything I can do to help prepare myself for mentioning it. While we are having an absent friends toast I have decided to give the guests an extra drink as a toast to him, a choice of whiskey or vodka (whiskey he would drink but not everyone likes it, so they can have vodka or stick with the wine). So it's going to be it's own thing anyway.

I'll be quite honest, right now I'm getting waves of wanting to cry just writing this all out and thinking about it. While I know no one worth a damn will think less of me for crying, it's important to me that whatever I do say about him is delivered clearly without decending in to me pausing and having my voice break up if I can help it.

Probably a tall order, but I'm only ever going to do this once so I'd like to do it right first time! Thanks in advance x

7roland8 · 25 July 2017 at 10:24AM

Hi - a very thoughtful post and I cannot believe no-one has bothered to reply.

I do not really have any first hand advice but I think you need to do what feels right for you. Some people have a photo f the deceased parent on the top table - so that they are a part fo the event.

However only you know if going into talking of your dad will turn the event more into a wake and upset everyone, including yourself.

The absent friends toast sounds a great idea and personally I think a good idea would be not to focus too much on it. With you speech you can of course thanks your parents for the way they brought you up - and maybe a brief mention such as 'wish my dad was here to be with us' would be quite enough. Any much more than that and it may be embarrassing or awkward for others.

'Plus, while I'm sure it won't be the case, there will be people at the wedding who will want to see how I mention it. I didn't give a speech at his funeral, something which I regret now, so this will be the only real time I'll have mentioned him in public.'

I shouldn't think anyone will be 'waiting' for you to deal with your dad - its your wedding day to do as you wish. Don't feel bad about not speaking at the funeral - most people don't - it does not mean they think any the less of the person. Do not worry about using this as an opportunity to speak about him in public - you cannot re-run the funeral - but what you feel is in your heart.

Maybe its good to do just a general speech - with just a mention of your parents as above - then if you feel the opportunity is right and YOU feel like it - then say a little - but actually I don't think this is so much the place - one line is fine. I know I went to one where the groom mentioned his dead mum - only a line - but it was enough for me to well-up - so you don't want to get everyone feeling gloomy.

You loved your dad - no need to do a public display to show that.

I'm sure you have googled the problem but here are a few suggestions https://www.thespruce.com/acknowledging-the-death-of-a-parent-at-your-wedding-3490119

springdreams · 26 July 2017 at 11:36PM

My brother got married 6 years ago, which was 4 years after our mother passed.

He and his wife to be at the time had a framed photo of my mum on the bridal couple's table (facing them) and my brother simply made a toast to "those who are no longer with us".

Given that it has been 4 years since your Dad passed, I don't think people will be expecting you to make a thing out of him not being present / no longer with you. So a simple mention perhaps along the lines of "and I'd like to raise a toast to my Dad and others who are no longer with us" should be sufficient.

Keep practising whatever it is you intend saying out loud for a few weeks before the event - perhaps to your fiance or siblings if you have any, and it should be easier on the day.

LittleMax · 3 August 2017 at 5:30PM

The absent friends toast and a special drink for your Dad sounds a lovely idea. If you think you will struggle to get the words out, another idea to think about is whether you could ask your best man to include this with his toasts. That way you and your wife get to toast your Dad without worrying about stumbling through the words.

Eric_the_half_a_bee · 3 August 2017 at 5:47PM

A difficult decision. What does your fiancee think?

nightsky224 · 16 August 2017 at 1:17PM

So difficult, my friends mother died a couple of years ago and at her brothers recent wedding they had a cocktail bar set up in her honor with her picture on it and a framed message. Really lovely idea.
I think that maybe it would be best to keep it short, as you say most people there will know the history.

hope it goes well x

Abbafan1972 · 17 August 2017 at 8:41AM

I have not been in this situation but felt compelled to reply.

You don't have to mention your Dad in great length in your speech if you don't want to - just an absent friends toast will be lovely and I like the idea of the framed photo somewhere at the venue. That would be a nice touch - just to show that you are thinking of your Dad without going too over the top about it.

Hope it all goes well for you.

mickburkejnr · 7 September 2017 at 8:25AM

I wanted to wait until I did it to reply, thanks to everyone with the advice and the help I appreciate it a lot.

It's been nearly 2 weeks since the wedding and I'm happy to say it went well. I tried to write a speech several times but it never sounded right at any point in regards to basically everything I had to cover! In the end I wrote down a list of people who I wanted to thank and put it in order of when I should say it, with the hope of just adlibbing nice things about the people.

Trouble is, I lost the first list! So while everyone was eating I wrote down a second list. I stood up to give my speech (I went at the end), and I lost the second list. So the whole speech I gave was ad-libbed!

I thanked everyone first, then I got to the absent friends bit. It's so weird but you go from hearing everyone laughing to stone dead silence. I noticed it and said "They're not all dead some just didn't want to come". Which I think helped, helped me anyway! Everyone stood up and toasted absent friends, it was lovely.

During the courses I had asked the staff to see if anyone wanted a whiskey as it was going to be a toast to my Dad. A lot of people took the offer which surprised me (although free whiskey, you'd be mad to say no!). I said something along the lines of "One of those absent, and it's quite obvious, is my Dad. He'd have loved today I think..." at that point I could feel it building inside me to burst out in tears. So in an instant I said "so could you all be upstanding and raise your whiskey for him". I think I said "To Mick" or "To Dad", not really sure but I think it went pretty well.

In the morning as well I visited his grave as it wasn't all that far away to do so, and I had a few minutes to myself there and let out a lot of emotion there really thinking it'd all be gone for when I made the speech. I think it helped, one or two who knew my dad said it was a good touch to do the separate toast and I think that's all that needed to be said. Like you've all said, it didn't have to be about him but I also didn't want to not mention him. I think I got the balance right.

I may have forgot to toast the bride though, but she didn't notice only the best man did! But I did get everyone to stand up and applaud her for all the hard work she did for the wedding (and for dealing with me!).

So thank you all again for the advice, I read it every other day in the lead up to the wedding so the advice was taken onboard and really really helped. Thank you!

7roland8 · 7 September 2017 at 5:59PM

So glad it went off well for you. You sound to have got the balance just right - your Dad remembered without it getting maudlin.

All the best for your new married life!

What is the best way to handle mentioned my deceased Dad during my speech?

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