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Help please
Pobby
Posts: 5,438 Forumite
A relative and family are in a bit of a bind. He works in the construction industry and is used to an income close to £100k a year.:eek: A couple of months ago things were getting tight. At the time his wife was in denial and told me she wasn`t going to cut back and promptly booked two continental holidays.! It appears that for all this income they have no savings. Crazy I know, but there you go.
Their daughter, my God daughter was visiting us last week and told us just how bad things were. Apparently they struggled to pay the council tax.Well right now we are concerned as we are very close. I know her Mum will be reluctant to talk to us. She knows fully that we are very mse and in a way I have felt that she always thought us a bit cranky.
Anyway the only real income they have now is from her part time work and any odd jobs that her husband can get. They have a mortgage, car loan and pay for a lease on a works van.
We want to be ready with some ideas when this becomes "public" but right now we are stuck. Any suggestions please?
Their daughter, my God daughter was visiting us last week and told us just how bad things were. Apparently they struggled to pay the council tax.Well right now we are concerned as we are very close. I know her Mum will be reluctant to talk to us. She knows fully that we are very mse and in a way I have felt that she always thought us a bit cranky.
Anyway the only real income they have now is from her part time work and any odd jobs that her husband can get. They have a mortgage, car loan and pay for a lease on a works van.
We want to be ready with some ideas when this becomes "public" but right now we are stuck. Any suggestions please?
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Comments
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Shameless bump!!!!0
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When it comes to other peoples/finances i wouldnt be ready with anything and just keep mum and make sympathetic noisesmake the most of it, we are only here for the weekend.
and we will never, ever return.0 -
While I agree with Annie you could say something like 'well I can only tell you what I do' and give her some MSE tips. Or tell her about this forum and let her find out for herself!0
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I don't know, she might be a little embarassed to admit that things have gone so wrong.
She will really need a friend, maybe you could give her some of the recipes and meal plans that are on this site?
There's not a lot you can do financially but you can try and be a good listener?I’m a Forum Ambassador and I support the Forum Team on the Old style MoneySaving boards.
If you need any help on these boards, please let me know.
Please report any posts you spot that are in breach of the Forum Rules by using the Report button, or by e-mailing forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com.
All views are my own and not of MoneySavingExpert.com0 -
How difficult for you Pobby.
You say the goddaughter's mum won't want to talk to you, but might her dad? And when you say you're close, how close?
Option 1 is total honesty - you get an opportunity to talkk to one or both of the couple and say that you've heard things are difficult, and you're so sorry to hear the building recession is affecting them, and is there anything you can do to help. If you know them well enough for this to be appropriate, it's the best option, but in most cases it isn't appropriate, so you have to try something more subtle.
Option 2 is partial honesty - next time you see them you talk about how difficult things have been for other builders that you know, and see where the conversation goes.
Option 3 is getting in by the back door - the goddaughter is talking to you, so keep talking to her. Point her in the direction of mse (if you haven't already) and see if she can find some info and advice on here and pass it on to her parents without their ever having to know you had anything to do with it.
Option 4 is waiting - eventually it will come out into the open, and then you can offer the usual sort of advice and support that we see so much of on here.
Whichever option you go with, the big thing (as always) is to try to make them feel that you're on their side - that however they got themselves into this mess, all you are interested in now is helping them get out of it, not blaming them. That probably means downplaying the truth that they did, in fact, get themselves into this mess by not saving previously. However true that is, it's best not said until after you've made them feel listened to and accepted - by "accepted" I don't mean that you approve their previous spending choices, but that you still want to be close anyway.
As for what you can do for them if and when you get the chance to help, it's a bit difficult to be specific without more info. Get them to come on here with an SOA, probably - then they'll get tailor-made suggestions.
Good luck,
Lydia.Do you know anyone who's bereaved? Point them to https://www.AtaLoss.org which does for bereavement support what MSE does for financial services, providing links to support organisations relevant to the circumstances of the loss & the local area. (Link permitted by forum team)
Tyre performance in the wet deteriorates rapidly below about 3mm tread - change yours when they get dangerous, not just when they are nearly illegal (1.6mm).
Oh, and wear your seatbelt. My kids are only alive because they were wearing theirs when somebody else was driving in wet weather with worn tyres.
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Option 4 is the only option. I would be absolutely livid if anyone in my family had been discussing my financial affairs with someone else.
Wait for her to come to you or someone will get hurt and you might lose a friend into the bargain.make the most of it, we are only here for the weekend.
and we will never, ever return.0 -
Thanks so much for the replies. In fact the Mum has already said that things were not so hot but to me she was still the denial stage. Tbh we are as close as brother and sister and have been for many years. We are God parents to all three kids. Spend either Christmas or the New Year with them.In fact, out of the blue, they drove 200 miles to visit us for our wedding anniversary and took us out for a slap up dinner .Tbh Annie, my God daughter didn`t really discuss their financial affairs as such. In fact she offered to cash in her ISA to lend them the money. Awwww, she is only 22 and making her way in life.
Yes I can say that I didn`t approve of their spending decisions but that`s only me. The tightest man in the Universe ... lol! It would be easy to lend then some money to help out on a temporary basis but that, I feel could lead to trouble.0 -
Thanks so much for the replies. In fact the Mum has already said that things were not so hot but to me she was still the denial stage. Tbh we are as close as brother and sister and have been for many years. We are God parents to all three kids. Spend either Christmas or the New Year with them.In fact, out of the blue, they drove 200 miles to visit us for our wedding anniversary and took us out for a slap up dinner .Tbh Annie, my God daughter didn`t really discuss their financial affairs as such. In fact she offered to cash in her ISA to lend them the money. Awwww, she is only 22 and making her way in life.
Yes I can say that I didn`t approve of their spending decisions but that`s only me. The tightest man in the Universe ... lol! It would be easy to lend then some money to help out on a temporary basis but that, I feel could lead to trouble.
I don't think lending them money would help. They need to learn from this. So many times have I read about people lending money to help a friend or family but the person in debt never really gets out of debt in end as they just rely on people bailing them out in the end. I know this sounds harsh, but it happened to me. My parents bailed me out years ago, I never learnt from that and got myself into debt again. My mum offered to help again but I refused. I have to deal with this and learn from it so that I don't do it again.
Plus it's just adding to their debt.Debt 30k in 2008.:eek::o Cleared all my debt in 2013 and loving being debt free
Mortgage free since 20140 -
Deep_In_Debt wrote: »I don't think lending them money would help. They need to learn from this. So many times have I read about people lending money to help a friend or family but the person in debt never really gets out of debt in end as they just rely on people bailing them out in the end. I know this sounds harsh, but it happened to me. My parents bailed me out years ago, I never learnt from that and got myself into debt again. My mum offered to help again but I refused. I have to deal with this and learn from it so that I don't do it again.
Plus it's just adding to their debt.
Totally agree. Right now I just don`t see a clear way forward and I guess I am being older brother here. It`s the immediate difficulties that are concerning me. How to pay the mortgage and council tax. As far as the car is concerned let the darn thing get repoed. I can remember the husband telling me he didn`t want it but wife did as it it had a new reg number plate! Oh what a silly culture people have followed.
We both came from the same wealthy area and it`s amazing after 20 years of being away just how flashy so many in that area have become. We live in quite a deprived city where none of the trappings of perceived wealth is much of an issue. Imho, a nicer way to live.
Tbh, their income did allow them they to live high on the hog and I guess that they didn`t see that it would ever end. His little company is very well respected in the building industry and he was over run with work. Even I, although very cautious, didn`t see construction coming to such an abrubt end.0
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