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  • FIRST POST
    • SuperFrank88
    • By SuperFrank88 14th Jan 20, 1:02 PM
    • 56Posts
    • 133Thanks
    SuperFrank88
    Opening up to partner about debt!
    • #1
    • 14th Jan 20, 1:02 PM
    Opening up to partner about debt! 14th Jan 20 at 1:02 PM
    So I posted this on my diary 'Debt Free by 33 in 2023' [https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.php?t=6086614] and thought I would post it here to so that if anyone else was in my situation and hiding their debt from their partners. Here's how it went for me last night....

    Oh My Word! I can't believe I actually did it!

    So I sat my partner down and basically said I had got myself in a bit of a mess with my finances. I told her that I was planning on defaulting all of my accounts because I needed the interest to stop being added to the balance which was over my head now. I told her that there would be lots of letters turning up which were all auto generated. I said that I was not running away from my debt and as soon as they all defaulted that I would set up a DMP and start paying it off straight away, by which time I will have a nice EF behind me.

    She was worried that we were going to have people knocking on the door (She watches 'Can't pay we'll take it away' )

    I explained to her that I wouldn't let it get to that stage and that it would in no way affect her credit because we are in no way financially linked!

    I didn't tell her how much exactly I owed but I told her that I had faced my problem, I have a plan in place and i just need her to trust me to get it sorted.

    She took it so much better than I thought she would, there was no tears or tantrums. She thanked me for being honest with her and was glad I didn't hide things from her.

    I cannot tell you the relief I felt after that chat!

    THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU to each and every one of you that nudged me towards telling her...hate to say it but you were right!

    I now feel like I can take on the world now that I have got my partner by my side (even though she doesn't know the exact total. I don't think that matters though, the main thing is she knows I am sorting it

    To anyone reading this that is in the same situation as me and holding your secrets from your partner...don't do it!
    Last edited by SuperFrank88; 19-01-2020 at 11:53 AM. Reason: Added link to debt free diary
    LBM - 20/12/2019 TD = £26,037
    Emergency Fund Challenge no.32 £2621 / £10,000 (26.21%)
    £2 Savers Club 2020 no. 47/ Target - To save them all
Page 1
    • Unicorn cottage
    • By Unicorn cottage 14th Jan 20, 8:48 PM
    • 427 Posts
    • 555 Thanks
    Unicorn cottage
    • #2
    • 14th Jan 20, 8:48 PM
    • #2
    • 14th Jan 20, 8:48 PM
    Well done Good luck with your journey!
    Following the Martin mantra "Earn more, have less debt, improve credit worthiness"
    • Retireby40
    • By Retireby40 14th Jan 20, 9:43 PM
    • 98 Posts
    • 71 Thanks
    Retireby40
    • #3
    • 14th Jan 20, 9:43 PM
    • #3
    • 14th Jan 20, 9:43 PM
    You are concealing an amount of debt. Which is your prerogative it isnt exactly being honest with them.

    It seems you are telling them mainly because theres gonna be letters turning up. You would be better sitting down with them telling the full story. Half stories only end up in problems later down the line.

    There would be a big difference if my partner told me they were in 2k of debt than if they were in 20k. And I would want to know why as i would be able to see the lifestyle they were living and what they earned.
    • SuperFrank88
    • By SuperFrank88 15th Jan 20, 12:38 PM
    • 56 Posts
    • 133 Thanks
    SuperFrank88
    • #4
    • 15th Jan 20, 12:38 PM
    • #4
    • 15th Jan 20, 12:38 PM
    What would be the big difference? Debt is debt surely, as long as you get to the finish line does it matter is there was 2k or 20k to start? The point will be the same, debt free,no?
    LBM - 20/12/2019 TD = £26,037
    Emergency Fund Challenge no.32 £2621 / £10,000 (26.21%)
    £2 Savers Club 2020 no. 47/ Target - To save them all
    • Sea Shell
    • By Sea Shell 15th Jan 20, 12:44 PM
    • 3,165 Posts
    • 6,350 Thanks
    Sea Shell
    • #5
    • 15th Jan 20, 12:44 PM
    • #5
    • 15th Jan 20, 12:44 PM
    With the full extent of the debt known though, you can plan as a couple, going forward.

    The size of the debt WILL have an impact on your lifestyle...the bigger the debt, the bigger the impact.

    And timescales. 1 year, 2 years, 10 years??
    " That pound I saved yesterday, is a pound I don't have to earn tomorrow " JOB DONE!!
    This should now read "It's time to start digging up those Squirrelled Nuts"!!!
    • Retireby40
    • By Retireby40 16th Jan 20, 1:18 PM
    • 98 Posts
    • 71 Thanks
    Retireby40
    • #6
    • 16th Jan 20, 1:18 PM
    • #6
    • 16th Jan 20, 1:18 PM
    Super Frank the amount owed is hugely important.

    Is it a debt that will take 2 years to clear or 10?

    Will it impact things like holidays, buying a house, going out for dinner etc etc. Will it impact buying a car?

    Unfortunately you are missing a huge point that the amount does matter and being 100% honest is important in times like this.

    I dont know how long you have been with your partner but if my partner said I'm in debt I would want to know how much. That's what relationships and partnerships are about.

    I would also want to have the piece of mind that my partner who is in debt hasnt got any other problems such as drink, drugs or gambling.

    If you live a relatively normal life and your 50k in debt your partner will surely ask questions why. If your 2k in debt that can amount pretty quick on bits and Bob's and general spending.
    • Takmon
    • By Takmon 16th Jan 20, 3:24 PM
    • 1,070 Posts
    • 1,083 Thanks
    Takmon
    • #7
    • 16th Jan 20, 3:24 PM
    • #7
    • 16th Jan 20, 3:24 PM
    I didn't tell her how much exactly I owed but I told her that I had faced my problem, I have a plan in place and i just need her to trust me to get it sorted.
    Originally posted by SuperFrank88
    I don't want to pick on you personally, but generally i think this is completely the wrong way to do it. If you live with your partner finances should be regularly discussed and budgeting done together. Even couples who want to keep everything separate should still budget all shared expenses such as houses, car, holidays together. At the end of the day if you aren't happy to tell your partner exactly how much money you earn, where it goes and what debt you have then why are you even together.

    But i'm surprised she was happy with that conversation, your telling her to trust you to get it sorted. Yet her trusting you with finances so far has ended up with you being £26k in the red. She would be a fool to trust you again with money.
    • sweetpea26
    • By sweetpea26 16th Jan 20, 3:27 PM
    • 782 Posts
    • 5,787 Thanks
    sweetpea26
    • #8
    • 16th Jan 20, 3:27 PM
    • #8
    • 16th Jan 20, 3:27 PM
    Excellent progress SuperFrank88

    You told her and that is paramount. You have made the first step. Please keep her informed about the debt and how you are handling it. Have you sat down and worked it all out down to the last penny?

    Other posters please be a bit less judgmental and be more supportive of SuperFrank88. He has made a massive move that has worried him sick. These boards are meant to be helpful and supportive. This is the first step for him and hopefully as things take their course he can be more transparent about the amounts.

    Well done SuperFrank88. You now are on your way to tackling this ... start a diary so we can all support you along the way.
    • Purplemumof2
    • By Purplemumof2 16th Jan 20, 3:33 PM
    • 7,761 Posts
    • 30,278 Thanks
    Purplemumof2
    • #9
    • 16th Jan 20, 3:33 PM
    • #9
    • 16th Jan 20, 3:33 PM
    Excellent progress SuperFrank88

    You told her and that is paramount. You have made the first step. Please keep her informed about the debt and how you are handling it. Have you sat down and worked it all out down to the last penny?

    Other posters please be a bit less judgmental and be more supportive of SuperFrank88. He has made a massive move that has worried him sick. These boards are meant to be helpful and supportive. This is the first step for him and hopefully as things take their course he can be more transparent about the amounts.

    Well done SuperFrank88. You now are on your way to tackling this ... start a diary so we can all support you along the way.
    Originally posted by sweetpea26
    Totally agree with this

    He does have a diary too but hasn't logged on for a couple of days .
    Official DFW Nerd Club - Member no. 791 - Proud to be dealing with my debts
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    • enthusiasticsaver
    • By enthusiasticsaver 16th Jan 20, 4:25 PM
    • 9,751 Posts
    • 22,874 Thanks
    enthusiasticsaver
    I am glad you told your partner and take this as a first step and maybe resolve going forward to be more open about finances together. How much you owe will have an impact as you will have less disposable income due to paying off the DMP and not be able to access credit. Good start though in saving an EF and facing up to it. I see you have put £26k debt in your signature. How long do you think it will take to clear?

    I would also agree that this board is not for judgement and we are primarily here to support posters.
    Early retired in December 2017

    I'm a Board Guide on the Debt-Free Wannabe, Mortgages and Endowments, Banking and Budgeting boards. I volunteer to help get your forum questions answered and keep the forum running smoothly. Any views are mine and not the official line of moneysavingexpert.com. Pease remember, board guides don't read every post. If you spot an illegal or inappropriate post then please report it to forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com
    • Retireby40
    • By Retireby40 16th Jan 20, 5:17 PM
    • 98 Posts
    • 71 Thanks
    Retireby40
    We arent being judgemental but in any relationships transparency is paramount? Do you not agree?

    Do you not agree that the amount does matter? We arent trying to pick faults but it's something very normal.
    • SuperFrank88
    • By SuperFrank88 16th Jan 20, 6:02 PM
    • 56 Posts
    • 133 Thanks
    SuperFrank88
    Hello everyone, firstly thank you all for the replies. This is why I love this site because you take the rough with the smooth. I do agree with you all. For me this it's all about baby steps. It has taken a lot for me to pull my head out of the sand and at least start the process of getting myself sorted. I just wanted to tell her the fact that I was in debt but I had a plan in place to get it sorted. I have done my SOA for when I start my DMP and will be able to throw £600pm at it until my car is paid off this time next year and then it will be close to £900pm. So I am looking to have it all done and dusted in 3 years.

    My partner has just started a full time degree course which will last 3 years so we were always going to be living frugally for the next few years.
    LBM - 20/12/2019 TD = £26,037
    Emergency Fund Challenge no.32 £2621 / £10,000 (26.21%)
    £2 Savers Club 2020 no. 47/ Target - To save them all
    • shadow7uk
    • By shadow7uk 17th Jan 20, 11:25 AM
    • 10 Posts
    • 1 Thanks
    shadow7uk
    Tell her the full story!

    I didn't and it came and bit me in the !!! hard!!!
    • jadewest94
    • By jadewest94 18th Jan 20, 7:18 PM
    • 72 Posts
    • 31 Thanks
    jadewest94
    We arent being judgemental but in any relationships transparency is paramount? Do you not agree?

    Do you not agree that the amount does matter? We arent trying to pick faults but it's something very normal.
    Originally posted by Retireby40
    I can see where youíre coming from with this, but I also havenít told my OH how much debt Iím in, itís not loads but he does know I am in debt.
    Marbles £1200
    Vanquis £688
    • Retireby40
    • By Retireby40 18th Jan 20, 8:06 PM
    • 98 Posts
    • 71 Thanks
    Retireby40
    Why did you choose not to tell him the amount?

    How long have you been with them?
    • jadewest94
    • By jadewest94 19th Jan 20, 1:52 PM
    • 72 Posts
    • 31 Thanks
    jadewest94
    Why did you choose not to tell him the amount?

    How long have you been with them?
    Originally posted by Retireby40
    Me? Weíve been together for 4 years. I havenít told him the amount due to the fact he hasnít asked, if he was to ask I would tell him of course he has told me if I ever do need help with debt that heís always there to help me. Iíve told him itís not a huge amount and Iíll be debt free soon.
    Marbles £1200
    Vanquis £688
    • Retireby40
    • By Retireby40 19th Jan 20, 2:14 PM
    • 98 Posts
    • 71 Thanks
    Retireby40
    I think it is because I have seen how debt can ruin relationships, friendships, families and it's why I am very much of the be upfront and honest about it.

    Not even for your own benefit but for the benefit and peace of mind of your partner.

    As I said before maybe a grand or 2 isn't such a big deal if that has built up over a year or two due to a few unfortunate events or maybe just living slightly above your means.

    However someone who's £25-30-35k in debt is different. That's going to take years of financial restrictions and possible problems down the line with future credits like a mortgage.

    Also if you state the amount and your intentions it makes it easier to be accountable.
    • Takmon
    • By Takmon 20th Jan 20, 10:42 AM
    • 1,070 Posts
    • 1,083 Thanks
    Takmon
    Me? Weíve been together for 4 years. I havenít told him the amount due to the fact he hasnít asked, if he was to ask I would tell him of course he has told me if I ever do need help with debt that heís always there to help me. Iíve told him itís not a huge amount and Iíll be debt free soon.
    Originally posted by jadewest94
    Do you not live together then?

    If you live together i think it's very important that you discuss your fiances in detail with your partner. Even if your not in debt you need to know each other's finances to be able to budget together and make the most of your combined money.
    • jadewest94
    • By jadewest94 20th Jan 20, 1:38 PM
    • 72 Posts
    • 31 Thanks
    jadewest94
    Do you not live together then?

    If you live together i think it's very important that you discuss your fiances in detail with your partner. Even if your not in debt you need to know each other's finances to be able to budget together and make the most of your combined money.
    Originally posted by Takmon
    No we don't at the minute, hes moving back in, in June. It's complicated.
    He's self employed and I don't believe I need to know anything about his finances at all yet. We will eventually go through our finances together when we start saving for a house. We don't currently combine our money because I'm in debt and he shouldn't be having to deal with it as it's my own doing.

    When we do save/buy a house of course we will know each others finances but I'll be debt free by then anyway.
    Marbles £1200
    Vanquis £688
    • Takmon
    • By Takmon 20th Jan 20, 1:57 PM
    • 1,070 Posts
    • 1,083 Thanks
    Takmon
    No we don't at the minute, hes moving back in, in June. It's complicated.
    He's self employed and I don't believe I need to know anything about his finances at all yet. We will eventually go through our finances together when we start saving for a house. We don't currently combine our money because I'm in debt and he shouldn't be having to deal with it as it's my own doing.

    When we do save/buy a house of course we will know each others finances but I'll be debt free by then anyway.
    Originally posted by jadewest94
    That makes sense then why he didn't ask how much debt you have if you don't live together. But as soon as you live together as a couple i believe it's important to openly discuss and plan finances.
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