Your browser isn't supported
It looks like you're using an old web browser. To get the most out of the site and to ensure guides display correctly, we suggest upgrading your browser now. Download the latest:

Welcome to the MSE Forums

We're home to a fantastic community of MoneySavers but anyone can post. Please exercise caution & report spam, illegal, offensive or libellous posts/messages: click "report" or email forumteam@.

Search
  • FIRST POST
    • mason's mum
    • By mason's mum 13th Jan 20, 5:57 PM
    • 24Posts
    • 34Thanks
    mason's mum
    I think I know what you're all going to say here but here goes!
    • #1
    • 13th Jan 20, 5:57 PM
    I think I know what you're all going to say here but here goes! 13th Jan 20 at 5:57 PM
    I've been messaging a guy since the beginning of December, we've been on a couple of dates and all seemed well, I felt like I clicked with him in a way that I haven't done with anyone else in 3 years of online dating.

    Then he went away with work for 10 days on the second of Jan and contact has been sporadic since, I assumed due to lack of reception/internet/being at work.

    Last message was on Friday night before he left to come home asking me what my plans for the weekend were. I messaged back Saturday morning as I didn't pick up his message until then. He arrived back on Saturday morning and I thought things would just pick up where they left off, but he hasn't even read my message (I can see it's been delivered, and I can also see he's been online). I sent another message last night just in case he'd missed it, but that's not been read either. Have I been ghosted?

    I don't want to be pushy, if he's changed his mind, or met someone else then that's fine but I feel like I need some sort of closure in order to move on, but I don't know how to get it. I don't want to be that crazy woman that messages and messages and just doesn't take the hint. I thought about calling him, but then he probably wont answer, and something might have happened that's given him a real reason for the lack of contact, so if I start harassing him now then it's definitely over!
    This has happened to me before and it's never really bothered me, but this guy's really knocked my faith in my judgement. I absolutely didn't have him down as that type of person, I really thought he was a decent one.

    Sorry this is probably incoherent rambling but it helps just to get my thoughts down out of my head - it's been driving me mad all weekend!

    thanks for reading! I'll await all the responses telling me don't call or text and just to woman up and get over it!
Page 3
    • pickledonionspaceraider
    • By pickledonionspaceraider 15th Jan 20, 12:17 PM
    • 1,830 Posts
    • 4,277 Thanks
    pickledonionspaceraider
    thanks pickledonion, I'm sorry you had to go through it too, thankfully I didn't waste that much time and energy here, I expect you were feeling 100 times worse than me right now! at least we're unlikely to bump into each other in everyday life!
    Originally posted by mason's mum
    I did *almost* bump in to mine face to face. In a crowded shopping centre I spotted him. He is very noticeable in stature. I hid behind a shoe rack. I was in shock.

    How mature.

    I think it is odiously gutless thing to do, to ghost someone. I felt, I would have preferred it if he had messaged and said 'I am just not that in to you'.

    After a couple of weeks, I begun to realise I had a narrow escape, I don't want a gutless fanny of a man - who is so entirely emotionally bereft that he cannot say how he feels anyway. Tosser.

    Before anyone reports the word Tosser, he may well have been a professional caber tosser, for all you know haha
    Last edited by pickledonionspaceraider; 15-01-2020 at 12:25 PM.
    'Entitled' and 'Snowflake' = buzz words, of the passive aggressive..they are not even a 'thing'.
    • mason's mum
    • By mason's mum 15th Jan 20, 12:27 PM
    • 24 Posts
    • 34 Thanks
    mason's mum
    ^^^ This!
    If you don't let this go now, you are in danger of driving him further away and presenting yourself as obsessive - which may jeopardise future relationships.


    If he does get back in touch - and he may - then consider it a bonus. You can decide at that point whether you want to bother with someone that ignores your messages for days at a time.
    Originally posted by flanker6
    I know you're right, but I do think how much further away can I drive him!? we have no mutual friends so he can't share my obsessiveness with anyone who knows me!
    I've never been obsessive about anything or anyone before which is why it worries me that this minor thing has got to me so badly. how do you override your own brain?!
    • flanker6
    • By flanker6 15th Jan 20, 1:04 PM
    • 61 Posts
    • 70 Thanks
    flanker6
    I've never been obsessive about anything or anyone before which is why it worries me that this minor thing has got to me so badly. how do you override your own brain?!
    Originally posted by mason's mum

    Difficult. I suppose you need to try to fill your time with other activities!


    Social media communication distorts reality. If you spoke to a guy in a pub and you were getting along fine but then he just kept ignoring you, you'd have no problem walking away - thinking he was a git. Why should social media communication be any different?


    You have to accept that your initial impression of him being a nice guy just wasn't accurate. After all, it was based on a relatively little amount of communication anyway.
    • pickledonionspaceraider
    • By pickledonionspaceraider 15th Jan 20, 1:11 PM
    • 1,830 Posts
    • 4,277 Thanks
    pickledonionspaceraider
    I know you're right, but I do think how much further away can I drive him!? we have no mutual friends so he can't share my obsessiveness with anyone who knows me!
    I've never been obsessive about anything or anyone before which is why it worries me that this minor thing has got to me so badly. how do you override your own brain?!
    Originally posted by mason's mum
    It is not you driving him away

    He has ALREADY made that decision - so don't take it on yourself that you are driving, he has already drove
    'Entitled' and 'Snowflake' = buzz words, of the passive aggressive..they are not even a 'thing'.
    • mason's mum
    • By mason's mum 15th Jan 20, 1:46 PM
    • 24 Posts
    • 34 Thanks
    mason's mum
    Difficult. I suppose you need to try to fill your time with other activities!


    Social media communication distorts reality. If you spoke to a guy in a pub and you were getting along fine but then he just kept ignoring you, you'd have no problem walking away - thinking he was a git. Why should social media communication be any different?


    You have to accept that your initial impression of him being a nice guy just wasn't accurate. After all, it was based on a relatively little amount of communication anyway.
    Originally posted by flanker6
    Everything you say is true!
    Although I find it hard to fill my 4am slot with other activities!

    I think I'm just too nice - I'd never want someone walking around thinking I was a completely heartless cow if I'd ghosted them, so I'd do the right thing, no matter how hard the conversation, and tell them.
    I also don't want him to think I'm just a pushover and I think he should be told that his behaviour has been bad, If he was in a bar I could tell him he was being rude and leave but I think the fact that I can't actually do that is what's getting to me the most right now.

    It has also knocked me that I always thought I was a good judge of character and that turns out not to be the case, even after meeting him twice.
    • Skiddaw1
    • By Skiddaw1 15th Jan 20, 1:51 PM
    • 604 Posts
    • 944 Thanks
    Skiddaw1
    Don't beat yourself up about it if you can possibly help it. You only met him twice and it's just not long enough to know what someone is really about no matter how plausible they seem. It may be a cliche but if he either didn't have the courage or couldn't be bothered to tell you the relationship (as far as it ever became a relationship) was over then he ain't worth having. You deserve significantly better than that.


    I say have a glass or two of wine, do something happy and life-affirming just for you and if it helps, write him a stinky letter telling him what a Cockwomble he is (don't send it obviously....)
    • mason's mum
    • By mason's mum 15th Jan 20, 2:13 PM
    • 24 Posts
    • 34 Thanks
    mason's mum
    write him a stinky letter telling him what a Cockwomble he is (don't send it obviously....)
    Originally posted by Skiddaw1
    I already did this! although it's actually quite polite as I originally wrote it down as what I would say to him if he picked up the phone when I called (which he didn't!) but it's just as good as a letter! definitely made me feel better!
    • HampshireH
    • By HampshireH 15th Jan 20, 6:23 PM
    • 1,947 Posts
    • 2,619 Thanks
    HampshireH
    Best thing you can do is delete his number

    I know it's tempting to send a parting shot (I'd want to) but its not worth it. Especially after just a few dates.

    Keeping his number will make you want to use it.
    • swingaloo
    • By swingaloo 15th Jan 20, 6:57 PM
    • 2,188 Posts
    • 3,924 Thanks
    swingaloo
    About 22 years ago I met a man through work, we worked for the same company but lived 300 miles apart. We became close on the phone and decided to meet. I was head over heels by the end of our first meeting and by out 3rd he had told me that he loved me and we started to plan a future together.

    I was mid divorce from my husband and his wife had left him for someone else 6 months before we met. (On reflection now I think it was rebound on his part). The relationship continued for around 12 months when I started to notice that quite often when we met up (which involved a lot of travelling so was mostly every other weekend) he would be quite cool towards me and I started to think he did not want me there, but then the next time I saw him he would be all loved up and my doubts would disappear. But it got to the stage where I was returning home after the weekend confused and often more upset than happy. It finally got to the stage where I had a long conversation about how he was treating me and will never forget the words he used 'Sometimes the greatest thing you can have in life is a good friend'. It was as if I had been slapped around the face. I ended the relationship as I could not cope with just being friends. 8 months later he contacted me to say he had made a mistake and wanted to try again. I was ecstatic but 3 months later the blowing hot and cold started again and I called it a day but it hurt.
    Its no lie to say that I spent over 2 years wondering what had gone wrong and why. We didn't do Facebook then thank goodness or Im sure I would have been a stalker. I used to call his number at work and at home just to hear his voice and hang up when I gut through. I was completely miserable and it was consuming everything I did every day.

    So much wasted time, don't do it. Move on, make yourself busy. If the 4am gets to you buy a good book. Anything but lie there wondering why.

    You are not the problem, he is either just rude or thoughtless and either way dwelling on it is not good for you.
    • mason's mum
    • By mason's mum 15th Jan 20, 7:14 PM
    • 24 Posts
    • 34 Thanks
    mason's mum
    r

    I know it's tempting to send a parting shot (I'd want to) but its not worth it. Especially after just a few dates.
    Originally posted by HampshireH
    sooooo tempting, but he's not reading my messages so it's a bit of a waste of energy - I just want him to know that it's not the right thing to do - even if only for the next girl not to have to feel like I did (and still do!)
    • mason's mum
    • By mason's mum 15th Jan 20, 7:27 PM
    • 24 Posts
    • 34 Thanks
    mason's mum
    Its no lie to say that I spent over 2 years wondering what had gone wrong and why. We didn't do Facebook then thank goodness or Im sure I would have been a stalker. I used to call his number at work and at home just to hear his voice and hang up when I gut through. I was completely miserable and it was consuming everything I did every day.

    So much wasted time, don't do it. Move on, make yourself busy. If the 4am gets to you buy a good book. Anything but lie there wondering why.

    You are not the problem, he is either just rude or thoughtless and either way dwelling on it is not good for you.
    Originally posted by swingaloo
    thanks for sharing Swingaloo, I feel really angry at how you were treated - I hope I'm not still feeling this way in 2 years time!

    an interesting note - I don't hear many complaints from men about receiving the same treatment, although I'm sure it does happen. What is it about men that they think it's OK to behave like this? Can we teach our little (and not so little) boys that this is not cool?
    • mason's mum
    • By mason's mum 15th Jan 20, 7:30 PM
    • 24 Posts
    • 34 Thanks
    mason's mum
    I did *almost* bump in to mine face to face. In a crowded shopping centre I spotted him. He is very noticeable in stature. I hid behind a shoe rack. I was in shock.

    How mature.
    Originally posted by pickledonionspaceraider
    that's hilarious! I like to think I'd do the same!
    • dancing_star
    • By dancing_star 15th Jan 20, 7:56 PM
    • 260 Posts
    • 482 Thanks
    dancing_star
    If you think you'll be in danger of texting him again, change your screensaver to "NO DO NOT" in massive letters.


    Worked for me.
    • SuperPikachu
    • By SuperPikachu 15th Jan 20, 8:16 PM
    • 321 Posts
    • 542 Thanks
    SuperPikachu
    an interesting note - I don't hear many complaints from men about receiving the same treatment, although I'm sure it does happen. What is it about men that they think it's OK to behave like this? Can we teach our little (and not so little) boys that this is not cool?
    Originally posted by mason's mum

    I had a few girls do this to me back in the day when I was dating
    "Wild Pikachu appeared!"
    • hazyjo
    • By hazyjo 16th Jan 20, 10:05 AM
    • 12,652 Posts
    • 17,374 Thanks
    hazyjo
    If you think you'll be in danger of texting him again, change your screensaver to "NO DO NOT" in massive letters.


    Worked for me.
    Originally posted by dancing_star
    I used to change their names to something like that in my phone address book lol. I would also write myself 'letters' as to why they were a complete git and why they're out of my life and why it's not a good idea to ring them after a bottle and a half of vino lol.


    Shame you contacted him - it's never a good idea and will make them run quicker. Would have been better changing your pic on text/whatsapp/FB to some happy smiling photo, perhaps with a bloke next to you (doesn't matter if it's a brother he wouldn't recognise or someone), and adding 'loving life' or something mysterious. I know it's petty and gameplaying but tbh I'd probably not have met him again anyway but it would give me more satisfaction to blow him out. Who wants some bloke who can't act respectfully towards you or blows hot and cold? (Same goes for women, there are plenty who do it in reverse.)


    It's the rejection thing that's making you hurt. I think you know deep down he ain't worth it. Probably more to do with self esteem than the fact you liked him.


    Don't waste time on someone who doesn't feel the same way. If he's like this now, how will he be in a relationship a few years from now? This is meant to be the exciting honeymoon stage.
    2019 wins: Bottle of Prosecco; Popcorn Shed popcorn; Moisturising 'M&S Time Capsules'; Case of Boost Sport + 30 Just Eat voucher; Battle Proms tickets and hotel; under-eye serum, various tools...
    • Lover of Lycra
    • By Lover of Lycra 16th Jan 20, 10:16 AM
    • 833 Posts
    • 1,785 Thanks
    Lover of Lycra
    I know you're right, but I do think how much further away can I drive him!? we have no mutual friends so he can't share my obsessiveness with anyone who knows me!
    I've never been obsessive about anything or anyone before which is why it worries me that this minor thing has got to me so badly. how do you override your own brain?!
    Originally posted by mason's mum
    If you continue with your obsessive behaviour you could push him to contact the police.

    Ghosting is never nice and it is cowardly. It does seem odd that he sent you a message on Friday and then decided to ignore you on Saturday but honestly it says far more about him than it does you. Remind yourself that you've had a lucky escape.
    • SandC
    • By SandC 16th Jan 20, 10:20 AM
    • 3,792 Posts
    • 5,610 Thanks
    SandC
    I had a very brief, nothing really in it, flingy type thing with an old school friend who had got divorced (very quickly!) having been married for over 20 years. He messed me about something rotten but for some weird reason I was sooo into him and couldn't even understand why. Anyway, one time we'd arranged to go out (mentioned before a 10 night holiday of mine for when I got back). I messaged him about it and he said sorry he couldn't do it as he had a work thing on. Fair enough. Except on the night in question he checked in at the thing that we were supposed to be going to!!!!

    I texted him saying thanks very much, supposed to be a mate and he said something about the work visitor cancelled so he went after all.

    At that point I deleted him off social media and never heard from him or contacted him again. Had to be done. Shame as we were in same year at school so effectively ruined a friendship.

    But I actually met someone just weeks after that and am happily in a relationship now.

    All I can say is that the communication both ways comes easy when you are both on the same page, it's just difficult timing wise to find that good moment (my man and me had actually met some 6 months previously but timing was off).
    • Skiddaw1
    • By Skiddaw1 16th Jan 20, 2:22 PM
    • 604 Posts
    • 944 Thanks
    Skiddaw1
    If you continue with your obsessive behaviour you could push him to contact the police.

    Ghosting is never nice and it is cowardly. It does seem odd that he sent you a message on Friday and then decided to ignore you on Saturday but honestly it says far more about him than it does you. Remind yourself that you've had a lucky escape.
    Originally posted by Lover of Lycra

    I think that rather than being overly obsessive, it's more that when someone ghosts you, you find yourself constantly wondering what you did (or didn't do) to push them away. I agree that ghosting isn't pleasant. In fact, I think it's classic 'passive-aggressive' behaviour (hence why it has that effect on the victim) so I can understand how the OP feels.



    But I absolutely agree- a lucky escape. Bet it isn't the first (or last) time he's done it.
    • mason's mum
    • By mason's mum 16th Jan 20, 5:33 PM
    • 24 Posts
    • 34 Thanks
    mason's mum
    If you think you'll be in danger of texting him again, change your screensaver to "NO DO NOT" in massive letters.


    Worked for me.
    Originally posted by dancing_star
    already changed to "massive T***! can't quite bring myself to delete it just yet!
    • mason's mum
    • By mason's mum 16th Jan 20, 5:46 PM
    • 24 Posts
    • 34 Thanks
    mason's mum
    If you continue with your obsessive behaviour you could push him to contact the police.

    Ghosting is never nice and it is cowardly. It does seem odd that he sent you a message on Friday and then decided to ignore you on Saturday but honestly it says far more about him than it does you. Remind yourself that you've had a lucky escape.
    Originally posted by Lover of Lycra
    thanks for your comments, although I'm not sure 2 text messages and one phonecall/voicemail in 6 days constitutes harassment, or is something the police would be interested in, especially as he hasn't even said he doesn't want to speak to me or blocked me or anything like that.

    But I'm done with him now, and probably this thread as it's just dragging up all my feelings everytime I read all the nice comments about how I deserve more and that I had a lucky escape!
Welcome to our new Forum!

Our aim is to save you money quickly and easily. We hope you like it!

Forum Team Contact us

Live Stats

3,763Posts Today

6,773Users online

Martin's Twitter