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  • FIRST POST
    • markyyyyyy
    • By markyyyyyy 12th Jan 20, 2:44 PM
    • 77Posts
    • 16Thanks
    markyyyyyy
    Hardest decision of my life
    • #1
    • 12th Jan 20, 2:44 PM
    Hardest decision of my life 12th Jan 20 at 2:44 PM
    Hi,

    my family and i are from Bristol, and 10 years ago i met my future wife and at the time i relocated to Leeds.

    We have a 2 year old son, and unfortunately out marriage has broken down. I am self employed, and i have looked after our son for the past 2 years, 2 x per week, so i have only been working 3 full days a week and the odd evening.

    Now we are separating, i am in a very difficult situation in that i can't get a mortgage for any decent amount, and i refuse to live in a sh*thole.

    I don't have as many friends up here, i would say my main friends are based in bristol, with my family. There is only 1 person that would keep me in Leeds, and that is my 2 year old son.

    I have 2 choices:
    1. I stay in Leeds, with not many friends or family near by, and hope that my self employed business picks up. I'm nervous about being able to afford all of the costs (childcare included) on my own, let alone being away from family and friends.

    2. Move back to bristol and live rent free with my brother, near family and friends, and find a new career with guarenteed income, to get me back on my feet.

    The huge issue with option 2 is that i will be 200 miles away from my son and only be able to see him once a month.

    I'm after advice as to if anyone has been in this situation before? If you did move away from your child, how did this affect your relationship with your child?

    Thank you
    Last edited by markyyyyyy; 12-01-2020 at 2:48 PM.
    Savings aim for 2012: 5000 = 416.60 per month

    Current Savings excluding M&G Investments (18/11/11):
    Britannia: 5334

    Total Aim for 31/12/12: 10,334
Page 1
    • Savvy_Sue
    • By Savvy_Sue 12th Jan 20, 5:16 PM
    • 40,426 Posts
    • 37,929 Thanks
    Savvy_Sue
    • #2
    • 12th Jan 20, 5:16 PM
    • #2
    • 12th Jan 20, 5:16 PM
    I can't offer any advice from experience, but my gut feeling is that at two years old, I'd want to put my son first, which would mean staying in Leeds.

    I also can't help feeling that there's accommodation between the extremes you describe.

    Can you, as well as developing your self-employed business, also take on a part-time job? Which might also address the lack of of friends / social life?
    Still knitting!
    Completed: TWO adult cardigans, 3 baby jumpers, 3 shawls, 1 sweat band, 3 pairs baby bootees, 2 sets of handwarmers, 1 Wise Man Knitivity figure + 1 sheep, 2 pairs socks, 3 balaclavas, multiple hats and poppies, 3 peony flowers, 4 butterflies ...
    Current projects: pink balaclava (for myself), seaman's hat, about to start another cardigan!
    • swingaloo
    • By swingaloo 12th Jan 20, 6:06 PM
    • 2,188 Posts
    • 3,924 Thanks
    swingaloo
    • #3
    • 12th Jan 20, 6:06 PM
    • #3
    • 12th Jan 20, 6:06 PM
    Why will you only be able to see your son once a month. My husband and I travelled 270 miles each way every 2 weeks for 11 years. We only had 6 hours each time with his child but even though its tiring and expensive it maintained contact.
    • PrettyKittyKat
    • By PrettyKittyKat 12th Jan 20, 8:45 PM
    • 1,248 Posts
    • 1,073 Thanks
    PrettyKittyKat
    • #4
    • 12th Jan 20, 8:45 PM
    • #4
    • 12th Jan 20, 8:45 PM
    You put your son first.... always.

    You can make new friends. You can make every effort to find new customers. You may need to compromise on your living arrangements slightly in the shortterm.... but you get to spend quality time with your son, and this is worth more than anything else! he is two years old, this is an important time in his development and he will change SO much so quickly.

    At least give it a go. If after a year it really isn't working at least you tried.
    • Ms Chocaholic
    • By Ms Chocaholic 12th Jan 20, 8:58 PM
    • 10,824 Posts
    • 66,083 Thanks
    Ms Chocaholic
    • #5
    • 12th Jan 20, 8:58 PM
    • #5
    • 12th Jan 20, 8:58 PM
    Is the care arrangement staying the same, you having your son for 2 days a week. When is he 3 as his mum may receive some help towards childcare and do you think she will share it for your days.

    Also depends on when his birthday is, he probably will start school when he is 4 so that's only 2 years/18 months away. Can you rent a room in the meantime to keep the cost as low as possible.
    Thrifty Till 50 Then Spend Till The End

    You can please some of the people some of the time, all of the people some of the time, some of the people all of the time but you can never please all of the people all of the time
    • Ms Chocaholic
    • By Ms Chocaholic 12th Jan 20, 8:59 PM
    • 10,824 Posts
    • 66,083 Thanks
    Ms Chocaholic
    • #6
    • 12th Jan 20, 8:59 PM
    • #6
    • 12th Jan 20, 8:59 PM
    Oh just to clarify, how many days do you have your son now - I didn't understand what you meant by "2 x" - is that two nights. Could you work weekends?
    Thrifty Till 50 Then Spend Till The End

    You can please some of the people some of the time, all of the people some of the time, some of the people all of the time but you can never please all of the people all of the time
    • Comms69
    • By Comms69 14th Jan 20, 11:07 AM
    • 10,424 Posts
    • 12,602 Thanks
    Comms69
    • #7
    • 14th Jan 20, 11:07 AM
    • #7
    • 14th Jan 20, 11:07 AM
    If you are primary care giver to your child, which i assume is 2 days you caring and 3 days in nursery? Then surely that should continue?
    • northwestboy
    • By northwestboy 14th Jan 20, 3:11 PM
    • 8 Posts
    • 1 Thanks
    northwestboy
    • #8
    • 14th Jan 20, 3:11 PM
    • #8
    • 14th Jan 20, 3:11 PM
    Stay in Leeds, see it as a chance to be a dad without the strains of the relationship


    Things will get better around this too


    Good luck whatever you choose
    • markyyyyyy
    • By markyyyyyy 15th Jan 20, 11:00 AM
    • 77 Posts
    • 16 Thanks
    markyyyyyy
    • #9
    • 15th Jan 20, 11:00 AM
    • #9
    • 15th Jan 20, 11:00 AM
    Thanks for your input, much appreciated. I have decided that staying in Leeds is the best decision for me and my son. I will be having him on a Friday and one day over the weekend so i'm happy with that, as i can be part of his life and be the best dad i can much more than being down south!
    Savings aim for 2012: 5000 = 416.60 per month

    Current Savings excluding M&G Investments (18/11/11):
    Britannia: 5334

    Total Aim for 31/12/12: 10,334
    • Comms69
    • By Comms69 15th Jan 20, 12:42 PM
    • 10,424 Posts
    • 12,602 Thanks
    Comms69
    Thanks for your input, much appreciated. I have decided that staying in Leeds is the best decision for me and my son. I will be having him on a Friday and one day over the weekend so i'm happy with that, as i can be part of his life and be the best dad i can much more than being down south!
    Originally posted by markyyyyyy
    Good choice, it gets better.
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