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    • Pa Ja
    • By Pa Ja 8th Jan 20, 8:05 PM
    • 129Posts
    • 69Thanks
    Pa Ja
    Visiting Relatives
    • #1
    • 8th Jan 20, 8:05 PM
    Visiting Relatives 8th Jan 20 at 8:05 PM
    My partner and I have differing views on whether close family (Parents/Siblings), should have to request call / message ahead of visiting our house.
    I'm quite happy for anyone to knock on the door and welcome them in whereas she hates this and would much prefer an organised date/time.
    I appreciate not everyone is the same but was curious to know what the general consensus on here is.
    Thanks
Page 3
    • Katgrit
    • By Katgrit 11th Jan 20, 9:13 AM
    • 531 Posts
    • 1,407 Thanks
    Katgrit
    I hate people calling in unannounced so these days if I'm not expecting anyone I tend to just not answer the door.

    Where I lived previously I had a friend with 2 very badly behaved children who she wouldn't discipline in the slightest, and they'd invariably end up climbing over the furniture or smashing something. She started calling in without warning, so each time the doorbell went I would put my coat on before going to answer the door. If it was someone I wanted to see I'd say "Oh perfect timing! I've just got in. Do you want a brew?" and take my coat off. If it was the nightmare friend with children stood there I'd say "Oh sorry, I'm on my way out. I've JUST put my coat on to leave. What a shame I can't invite you in for a brew" and start patting my coat pockets and mumbling "Now where did I put those keys". Worked every time!!
    • luxor4t
    • By luxor4t 11th Jan 20, 9:17 AM
    • 10,932 Posts
    • 39,517 Thanks
    luxor4t
    I have been known to answer the door to unexpected visitors wearing my coat and holding my shoes, "just getting ready to go out..."

    Only once did somebody call my bluff and say "I'll go with you"!

    I had to invent a couple of local errands, but we had a coffee on the way, so that was nice.

    edit to add: Katgrit, snap!
    I can cook and sew, make flowers grow.
    • Skiddaw1
    • By Skiddaw1 11th Jan 20, 1:42 PM
    • 604 Posts
    • 947 Thanks
    Skiddaw1
    I hate people calling in unannounced so these days if I'm not expecting anyone I tend to just not answer the door.

    Where I lived previously I had a friend with 2 very badly behaved children who she wouldn't discipline in the slightest, and they'd invariably end up climbing over the furniture or smashing something. She started calling in without warning, so each time the doorbell went I would put my coat on before going to answer the door. If it was someone I wanted to see I'd say "Oh perfect timing! I've just got in. Do you want a brew?" and take my coat off. If it was the nightmare friend with children stood there I'd say "Oh sorry, I'm on my way out. I've JUST put my coat on to leave. What a shame I can't invite you in for a brew" and start patting my coat pockets and mumbling "Now where did I put those keys". Worked every time!!
    Originally posted by Katgrit

    My best friend's granny used to do exactly the same!
    • Jaxon2390
    • By Jaxon2390 11th Jan 20, 4:49 PM
    • 13 Posts
    • 8 Thanks
    Jaxon2390
    This thread has made me think - I'm late twenties and often just turn up at my mothers house unannounced. In fact last week I let myself into her house while she was at work (we have keys to each others places) and she just arrived home to find me sitting on the sofa, eating her food and watching her TV, as there was a viewing on my flat that I didn't want to be around for.

    She doesn't seem to mind and is usually along the lines of the more the merrier, but maybe I should at least txt next time.

    She always calls/txts before coming over to mine...
    • onwards&upwards
    • By onwards&upwards 11th Jan 20, 5:54 PM
    • 1,584 Posts
    • 3,155 Thanks
    onwards&upwards
    This thread has made me think - I'm late twenties and often just turn up at my mothers house unannounced. In fact last week I let myself into her house while she was at work (we have keys to each others places) and she just arrived home to find me sitting on the sofa, eating her food and watching her TV, as there was a viewing on my flat that I didn't want to be around for.

    She doesn't seem to mind and is usually along the lines of the more the merrier, but maybe I should at least txt next time.

    She always calls/txts before coming over to mine...
    Originally posted by Jaxon2390
    I always text/call before popping to my parents house, and my mum tells me I donít need to ask and to just show up. I also have a key but I wouldnít just let myself in unless it was an emergency or pre-agreed.

    Adults deserve a bit of privacy in their home I reckon, even from their adult kids! If my folks want to walk round naked or god forbid have a sex life thatís up to them!
    • Pa Ja
    • By Pa Ja 11th Jan 20, 7:48 PM
    • 129 Posts
    • 69 Thanks
    Pa Ja
    It's been great reading people's thoughts and experiences.
    I've been brought up in such away whereby not phoning ahead is the norm. So when my Mrs likes to know when someone's coming over or vice versa, it almost feels regimented and put on.
    Her sister lives a stones throw away and they'll msg, "On my way", "Door's open". "2 mins",... It seems a bit fearful. I know she'd say it's just them being respectful.
    • Claddagh_Noir
    • By Claddagh_Noir 11th Jan 20, 7:58 PM
    • 95 Posts
    • 145 Thanks
    Claddagh_Noir
    I am with your partner on this one. There is nothing worse than someone showing up at your home unannounced and therefore uninvited. I have had this happen with an in-law while I had a friend visiting. This was a good 8 years ago. Said friend felt uncomfortable because she was confiding in me about something, the in-law took a seat and demanded a cup of tea knowing full well my partner was at work and they came around to see him. The funny thing is, the in-law lives 5 minutes up the road and they speak to my partner every day on the phone!

    I made an executive decision, the next day letting the in-law know well in advance by text that I would like to pop round for a chat. I then diplomatically said I didn't like that they kept doing that, I understand that it is a family tradition with other members, but it's bad manners in my eyes. The in-law was a bit melodramatic, thinking I was keeping them apart!! The impromptu visits have since stopped and we get a call and text beforehand now.

    I would not dare show up unannounced at someone's home, no matter how close I am to them because I do not want to disturb the dynamic, what if the person is ill, wants to be left alone, the kids are playing up, they are not in etc. Some people have anxiety and do not like their sanctuary disturbed because they will feel tense and on edge because their home is like a drop-in centre. What if people like the daily ritual of dancing around the mantlepiece naked?!

    People often say I am welcome at any time to their home, but I want to be invited in advance.
    Last edited by Claddagh_Noir; 11-01-2020 at 8:06 PM.
    • Doodles
    • By Doodles 12th Jan 20, 9:27 AM
    • 359 Posts
    • 687 Thanks
    Doodles
    I hate unannounced visitors too. I would never dream of just turning up on someone's doorstep, family or otherwise. It's polite, family or otherwise, to ring ahead and check.

    But I guess each family has their own dynamic which works for them.
    We are in Transylvania, and Transylvania is not England. Our ways are not your ways, and there shall be to you many strange things.

    Dracula, Bram Stoker
    • hb2
    • By hb2 12th Jan 20, 11:51 AM
    • 610 Posts
    • 2,484 Thanks
    hb2
    My OH was one of 7 and popping in was the norm. I never felt comfortable with it, not sure of my welcome if I turn up unannounced. We are all getting on now and surprise visits are rare - encouraged by the fact that I don't answer the door if I'm not expecting anyone!

    My Mum and MIL used to turn up unannounced, and expected us to do the same, but they are gone now. Our son is welcome at any time of the day or night but visits tend to be pre-arranged as he lives several hours away from us.
    • Organza_Lace
    • By Organza_Lace 12th Jan 20, 11:59 AM
    • 82 Posts
    • 7,130 Thanks
    Organza_Lace
    My Mother was dreadful at turning up unannounced. In the early days of our marriage and him moving into a ready made family unit we would rarely get much time to ourselves so hubby would come back from work for his 'dinner'. More than once my Mother and Stepfather would just walk in and put the kettle on possibly knowing what we were up to upstairs and leaving us to do the walk of shame..

    Yes i know, my fault for leaving the front door open.
    We canít help everyone, but everyone can help someone Ė John Lennon
    • DCFC79
    • By DCFC79 12th Jan 20, 12:10 PM
    • 35,655 Posts
    • 22,502 Thanks
    DCFC79
    I prefer a date/time being agreed before people turn up, its not something I would do to anyone else, I always agree a date/time, its just being polite.
    • MankyVegSoup
    • By MankyVegSoup 14th Jan 20, 10:19 AM
    • 32 Posts
    • 183 Thanks
    MankyVegSoup
    When my mother moved 2 miles down the road instead of 200 she started popping round unannounced or phoning for a chat in the middle of the day. I'm self employed and work from home. I had to tell her that I might not be in an office and I might be my own boss, but I still work and work time is for working.

    Now she texts to ask when I'm free...Ö..
    • ginger chocolate
    • By ginger chocolate 14th Jan 20, 9:34 PM
    • 63 Posts
    • 73 Thanks
    ginger chocolate
    Possibly this is an introvert/extrovery thing but I find it incredibly rude and presumptuous for anyone to show up at someone else's house unannounced. In fact I think it's a little bit rude to only inform the person on the day of the visit unless there's a very good reason for a short notice arrangement. I like all my social interactions to be arranged several days, if not weeks in advance! If there's a knock on my door and I'm not expecting anyone I just don't answer.

    But think this is because I'm an introvert and I find being around people, even if I really like them, is "work": I need to make sure I have adequate time to prepare and to chill by myself afterwards otherwise i'll get burnt out. Extroverts tend not to get this - thinking that a surprise visit would always be a lovely treat!
    • NotGivingIn
    • By NotGivingIn 14th Jan 20, 9:48 PM
    • 11 Posts
    • 6 Thanks
    NotGivingIn
    All our relatives (both mine and OH) used to live close by and we could all call on each without notice so long you observed the 'take me as you find me' rule. In fact we were all so comfortable together that we could happily walk into each other kitchen and start making a brew for everyone!
    These days we mainly live several hours away from each other so pre-planning is essential. The ones close by are elderly so I always ring first (so that they are expecting me and the knocking at the door doesn't un-nerve them) but even that is generally only 5 minutes notice.

    It's all about finding a happy medium that suits every-one.
    working my way to financial freedom
    • bishbut
    • By bishbut 15th Jan 20, 5:57 AM
    • 12 Posts
    • 5 Thanks
    bishbut
    finding me at home
    All friends and relations are welcome at any time but I tell all if you want to find me in you must make an appointment as I am frequently away for the day or longer ,Some close relations ,children and grandchildren have a key so they can let themselves in
    • onomatopoeia99
    • By onomatopoeia99 15th Jan 20, 8:05 AM
    • 6,047 Posts
    • 14,050 Thanks
    onomatopoeia99
    But think this is because I'm an introvert and I find being around people, even if I really like them, is "work": I need to make sure I have adequate time to prepare and to chill by myself afterwards otherwise i'll get burnt out.
    Originally posted by ginger chocolate
    Exactly this. I like seeing my friends, but only if it's planned as I need to wind myself up to handle company and then have adequate opportunity to wind down after. I'm OK with a request at lunchtime for the evening, if it's not convenient or I don't feel like it I'll just say no.
    INTP, nerd, libertarian and scifi geek. Home is where my books are.

    5.2kWp system, SE facing, >1% shading, installed March 2019.
    • dan958
    • By dan958 15th Jan 20, 10:24 AM
    • 358 Posts
    • 619 Thanks
    dan958
    I would never turn up at someones house unannounced, and my family know to always call/text before coming round mine.

    I like to make sure that I, and my house, are presentable before people come round.
    • Illbedamned
    • By Illbedamned 15th Jan 20, 10:24 PM
    • 69 Posts
    • 66 Thanks
    Illbedamned
    I always assumed id have an open house policy when i had my own place but the more i think about it the more i'm siding towards pre arranged visits only.

    Besides thats how my parents made it, out of the 4 of us i seem to be the only ne who has to plan in advance when i'm visiting and my mum even once told me i couldnt come home on my birthday so maybe im a little bit bitter now
    • Bogof_Babe
    • By Bogof_Babe 16th Jan 20, 12:05 PM
    • 10,360 Posts
    • 17,066 Thanks
    Bogof_Babe
    Who remembers the old days before mobile phones, emails, Facebook etc., when if you got chatting to another family on holiday you would always swap addresses and say “any time you’re passing do call in”, safe in the knowledge that it would never happen?

    You wouldn’t dare say that nowadays, as the world seems to have shrunk, with fast cars and trains.
    I haven't bogged off yet, and I ain't no babe


    • paddyz
    • By paddyz 16th Jan 20, 3:55 PM
    • 145 Posts
    • 604 Thanks
    paddyz
    I’ve a friend that would always drop in unannounced but it was still welcomed but I’d never do that to her
    Mortgage start Oct 12 £104,500
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