Your browser isn't supported
It looks like you're using an old web browser. To get the most out of the site and to ensure guides display correctly, we suggest upgrading your browser now. Download the latest:

Welcome to the MSE Forums

We're home to a fantastic community of MoneySavers but anyone can post. Please exercise caution & report spam, illegal, offensive or libellous posts/messages: click "report" or email forumteam@.

Search
  • FIRST POST
    • Uniscots97
    • By Uniscots97 30th Dec 19, 6:20 PM
    • 6,440Posts
    • 23,867Thanks
    Uniscots97
    Back, determined to be debt free but ever so slightly depressed
    • #1
    • 30th Dec 19, 6:20 PM
    Back, determined to be debt free but ever so slightly depressed 30th Dec 19 at 6:20 PM
    Hi all, I used to post here a lot then decided on a break. Lots of stuff going on in my life, I needed various operations and was on a lot of medication. I've not checked when I was last on but a lot has changed. I'm now mortgage free but not debt free (roughly 30k but it's come down A LOT!). But OH is the problem (sorry I need to vent), the house belongs to me, I pay all the bills and he's constantly asking me for money for fuel for his car, cigarettes, takeaways or wine/beer. Yesterday he asked me for a considerable amount of money (more than I spend on a week's shop) for fuel etc. I said no. So he asked if he could borrow a tenner so he could get to work. I said yes, so tonight he says can he borrow another tenner for cigarettes and I said no. I've just paid for LO's Christmas (he bought one thing at £15, I bought everything else) , paid for all food etc over Christmas and paid other bills including repairs for my car. He stormed off when I said no, he's made it feel like my fault! I feel like crying and sorry I had to vent. I am trying to get rid of the rest of my debt but I can't keep bailing OH out (he earns nearly as much as me). He's recently taken out an extremely large loan which was meant to consolidate his debts and pay me back some of what he owes me, he didn't calculate it right and he gave me 2/3 of what was agreed (and that wasn't the full amount. I also paid his car insurance this year which he's not paid back).

    What am I trying to do to get rid of my debt?:

    - I'm on Shoppix and Receipthog and just didn't my first payment on ZIPZERO (anyone else use this?)
    - I've recently been diagnosed with a medical condition which means I need to exclude certain foods or buy a gluten free version so I'm studying labels. I've found some cheaper alternatives for cereals etc but trying to make things from scratch where I can so I know what goes into it
    - going to start listing some of the clothes that LO has grown out of and put money aside for new things
    - watching for sales etc for things for LO, I did this for most of Christmas gifts. I also used a friends disney discount. For friends I did small hampers and shopped around (started collecting for Christmas in June)
    - I normally shop at Aldi but some things I can't there now I need to exclude certain ingredients so I use Tesco and always do the surveys on the receipt for an extra 25 club card points (I did give the voucher to OH when it came in but I didn't with the recent one as i thought it's me that's spending my money and doing all the hard work.... is that bad?)
    - packed lunches nearly every day. Once a month I catch up with a friend for lunch

    Probably more but I'll keep posting. I need to sort this out and realise me not lending him money doesn't give him the right to be annoyed at me.
    CC2 = £8687.86 (£10000 )CC1 = £0 (£9983 ); Reusing shopping bags savings =£5.80 vs spent £1.05.Wine is like opera. You can enjoy it even if you don't understand it and too much can give you a headache the next day J
Page 2
    • maddiemay
    • By maddiemay 2nd Jan 20, 10:28 PM
    • 4,060 Posts
    • 37,117 Thanks
    maddiemay
    Hi Uniscots, so pleased to see your name pop up, but I am really sorry to read that your life has not changed for the better. Your OH needs a sharp hard kick up the backside, and as others have said I think you should have a long hard think about the future for you and your LO. OH is not going to change and the fact that he is trying to separate you from your family rings very large alarm bells.

    Please take great care, you should not have to take this verbal abuse and sulks, time after time.
    MM x
    The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time. (Abraham Lincoln)
    • Uniscots97
    • By Uniscots97 2nd Jan 20, 11:31 PM
    • 6,440 Posts
    • 23,867 Thanks
    Uniscots97
    Thanks MM, I remember you from my first time around here. Wise words, I've had a friend say the same today and to tell me to lock up my jewellery (including what my Gran left me) in case he tries to pawn it
    CC2 = £8687.86 (£10000 )CC1 = £0 (£9983 ); Reusing shopping bags savings =£5.80 vs spent £1.05.Wine is like opera. You can enjoy it even if you don't understand it and too much can give you a headache the next day J
    • SusieT
    • By SusieT 3rd Jan 20, 1:08 PM
    • 400 Posts
    • 883 Thanks
    SusieT
    Thanks MM, I remember you from my first time around here. Wise words, I've had a friend say the same today and to tell me to lock up my jewellery (including what my Gran left me) in case he tries to pawn it
    Originally posted by Uniscots97
    That could be a very sensible idea Its a shame safe deposit boxes are (for someone repaying debt) too expensive as that would otherwise be a good option. If at some point in the future he gets too controlling its also worth thinking about having important personal documents and photos possibly kept with your friend.
    Credit card debt - NIL
    Home improvement loans 41,000 now 30,130 26% paid original finish dates 2025 and 2027
    Mortgage 100,000 now 64,513 35% paid
    • LemonadeBudget
    • By LemonadeBudget 3rd Jan 20, 2:04 PM
    • 11 Posts
    • 55 Thanks
    LemonadeBudget
    OH is the problem (sorry I need to vent), the house belongs to me, I pay all the bills and he's constantly asking me for money for fuel for his car, cigarettes, takeaways or wine/beer. Yesterday he asked me for a considerable amount of money (more than I spend on a week's shop) for fuel etc. I said no. So he asked if he could borrow a tenner so he could get to work. I said yes, so tonight he says can he borrow another tenner for cigarettes and I said no. I've just paid for LO's Christmas (he bought one thing at £15, I bought everything else) , paid for all food etc over Christmas and paid other bills including repairs for my car. He stormed off when I said no, he's made it feel like my fault! I feel like crying and sorry I had to vent. I am trying to get rid of the rest of my debt but I can't keep bailing OH out (he earns nearly as much as me). He's recently taken out an extremely large loan which was meant to consolidate his debts and pay me back some of what he owes me, he didn't calculate it right and he gave me 2/3 of what was agreed (and that wasn't the full amount. I also paid his car insurance this year which he's not paid back).
    Originally posted by Uniscots97
    I really hope I don't offend here, but you are in a financially abusive relationship, I've been in one and this sort of thing is how it begins: bailing out on a large bill or in your case car insurance, not paying it back in full . . . Making every conversation about money a stressful one deliberately, consistently asking for £10, £15 etc all the while borrowing heavily from you and not contributing equally to the household while only earning slightly less than yourself?

    This is so similar to the situation I was in that it is almost eerie (except I was renting rather than paying a mortgage and didn't have a LO), so I think that does bias my opinion but in my experience all that will happen is he will feel continually entitled to the level of help you're providing, all the while treating you with contempt / essentially throwing a childish tantrum when requests for the ad-hoc £10-£20 are denied.

    You're not a bank, you're a person with your own problems, thoughts, feelings. The warning bells for me were when you said he has fallen out with your family and makes it difficult for you to see them? This is coercive and insidious. Under no circumstances let him stop you accessing your support network / your loved ones / your friends. This is paramount!

    Again, I'm sorry if this offends - but you have to look after yourself and LO. He is a grown man and it is not your fault that he cannot manage his finances despite you bailing him out and paying his car insurance etc.
    • Uniscots97
    • By Uniscots97 3rd Jan 20, 2:28 PM
    • 6,440 Posts
    • 23,867 Thanks
    Uniscots97
    Thanks SusieT and LemonadeBudget what you've both said makes sense.

    Today was all about LO and getting you spend Christmas vouchers. But OH decided to spend £55 on a castle LO picked out. He put it on a credit card! So as not to upset LO I let him, so LO got to spend all Christmas vouchers and also got the castle (it was30% off). When we got back to my car (I'm happy to drive, besides which he took LO's car seat out about 6 months ago and the one for his car it's still in my garage) he asked for £10. He said he needed 'cash', and I was annoyed he was i) asking in front of LO and ii) asking again after being told no (he still thinks I can't get into my bank account after the banks systems being down.).

    So all in all LO loved the morning and that's all that matters (if you're first there you get to open the store and get a free gift and be a VIP). OH is away to bed as he's working later so LO and I have got films on and generally having fun. I've saved the receipts from this morning and will upload them later.
    CC2 = £8687.86 (£10000 )CC1 = £0 (£9983 ); Reusing shopping bags savings =£5.80 vs spent £1.05.Wine is like opera. You can enjoy it even if you don't understand it and too much can give you a headache the next day J
    • LemonadeBudget
    • By LemonadeBudget 3rd Jan 20, 2:41 PM
    • 11 Posts
    • 55 Thanks
    LemonadeBudget
    I'm so glad LO had a lovely time, hope you two enjoy your chill time with films x
    • Uniscots97
    • By Uniscots97 3rd Jan 20, 5:31 PM
    • 6,440 Posts
    • 23,867 Thanks
    Uniscots97
    Tea was pasta with HM cheese sauce. OH did not eat his (said he wanted something else but I said that's what I've made (used some of the leftover Christmas cheese). So he then said have you managed to get a tenner for me?? I couldn't believe he'd asked me again when I told him earlier the answer was no.
    CC2 = £8687.86 (£10000 )CC1 = £0 (£9983 ); Reusing shopping bags savings =£5.80 vs spent £1.05.Wine is like opera. You can enjoy it even if you don't understand it and too much can give you a headache the next day J
    • Uniscots97
    • By Uniscots97 4th Jan 20, 1:04 PM
    • 6,440 Posts
    • 23,867 Thanks
    Uniscots97
    Well I didn't have a very productive evening yesterday I literally slouched in front of the tv! I'm back at work on Monday and I really cannot be bothered. I was off ill for nearly a week before Christmas and I've got lots to do. LO is back at school on Monday too. I should really get uniform sorted and my clothes (OH is sleeping as on nightshift so I can't get into my room) and it's one less thing to do tomorrow. LO's room is still a disaster zone with piles of toys, she got far too much for Christmas overall. The Christmas tree is still up but I need the boxes down from the loft. I use clear plastic storage boxes to store them as you can then see what's in the box.
    LO and I have just had vegetable rice and leftover quiche for lunch. I also got some reduced items in Tesco (Christmas stock). Including some gluten free items for me.

    So here's my to do list for today (if I write it down I might actually do it!):

    1) do the dishes and put everything away
    2) clear all the washing (I estimate 2 more loads, and try and get it dry)
    3) polish LO's shoes for school
    4) try and tidy away or iron the Mount Everest of clean clothes
    5) tidy my work rucksack (it's full of papers etc I don't need)
    6) wash LO's school jacket (meant to do it at the start of the holidays and forgot so need to do it today so it's dry)
    7) clear out my handbag as it's getting heavier and heavier
    CC2 = £8687.86 (£10000 )CC1 = £0 (£9983 ); Reusing shopping bags savings =£5.80 vs spent £1.05.Wine is like opera. You can enjoy it even if you don't understand it and too much can give you a headache the next day J
    • Uniscots97
    • By Uniscots97 4th Jan 20, 10:03 PM
    • 6,440 Posts
    • 23,867 Thanks
    Uniscots97
    1) done
    2) no more space to dry things. I still have a small load of red items and a small load of whites
    3) done
    4) partly done
    5 and 7) still to do
    6) done
    CC2 = £8687.86 (£10000 )CC1 = £0 (£9983 ); Reusing shopping bags savings =£5.80 vs spent £1.05.Wine is like opera. You can enjoy it even if you don't understand it and too much can give you a headache the next day J
    • monetxchange
    • By monetxchange 4th Jan 20, 10:31 PM
    • 138 Posts
    • 253 Thanks
    monetxchange
    Maybe you should get admin to move this to the diaries section so we can all follow your progress without it getting lost in the rest of posts here. I’ll definitely be following!

    Well, like others have said, I don’t see what you’re getting out of your relationship. You don’t see eye to eye on the most important things like finances and you don’t even seem to like each other. It’s no way to live. Don’t fool yourself into thinking your LO is better off in a two parent home, when all they’ll see are two sad parents who don’t want to be together. Fingers crossed for you both getting some thinking time in the coming weeks as to how to go forward or not with this situation. Good luck.
    Highest Debt: £29,500. LBM: April 2019
    TO GO: Barclaycard £11,307 £3,500 | Overdraft £2,575 £300
    GONE: HMRC £8,500 £0 | Renovations £3,500 £0 | Vanquis £3,222 £0 | Capital One £1,410 £0
    • TrushTush
    • By TrushTush 4th Jan 20, 11:01 PM
    • 121 Posts
    • 573 Thanks
    TrushTush
    I hope this isnít out of line to say, but you appear to be in an abusive relationship.

    Itís your life and your partner but honestly I would be remiss if I didnít ask if you are okay?
    The fact that you agree to hide valuables in case your partner steals them to pawn, tells a damning picture

    (Not judging here, very much hand holding and sending love)
    No Spend Days ~ Clear all Debt in 2020 ~ Make £2020 in 2020
    .....Jan 11/15............£1028.71/£9978.90..........£234.86/£2020
    • Bexta140790
    • By Bexta140790 5th Jan 20, 7:04 AM
    • 11 Posts
    • 27 Thanks
    Bexta140790
    Looking forward to following along with your journey.

    Agree with the others who say you appear to be in an abusive relationship. The fact you need to hide valuables from him and he makes it difficult for you to see family is scary.

    I wish you the best of luck with your journey.
    • KxMx
    • By KxMx 5th Jan 20, 10:43 AM
    • 7,744 Posts
    • 11,454 Thanks
    KxMx
    Some think if there is no physical violence then the relationship isn't abusive, that is not the case at all.
    Women's Aid are always there should you wish to talk to someone.
    • Uniscots97
    • By Uniscots97 7th Jan 20, 12:25 PM
    • 6,440 Posts
    • 23,867 Thanks
    Uniscots97
    Thank you all, sorry I didn't post yesterday as back at work (school for LO) after the holidays.

    I got a persistent debt letter from one of my cc's. I have been trying to get the balance down (was 10k 2.5 years ago, now 6k). It says they'll suggest an amount each month I have to pay. Do they make it realistic?

    Made another payment through ZIPZERO but not seen anything on the direct debit side yet, too early I guess as I've only been doing it for a few weeks. Anyone else use this? I've allocated payment to Sky and my phone. Hopefully bring the bills down a bit.

    Got back into the swing of packed lunches. I was going to get one of the fancy "to do" notebooks but came across a normal spiral bound one at home which I'm going to use and have different pages for rooms or general. I.e. I need to replace the blinds in LO's room and thanks to an offer I saw online I've ordered ones for under £10.
    CC2 = £8687.86 (£10000 )CC1 = £0 (£9983 ); Reusing shopping bags savings =£5.80 vs spent £1.05.Wine is like opera. You can enjoy it even if you don't understand it and too much can give you a headache the next day J
    • Uniscots97
    • By Uniscots97 9th Jan 20, 6:55 PM
    • 6,440 Posts
    • 23,867 Thanks
    Uniscots97
    Anyone have an LO that messes about at meal times? Feeling like I spend most of the meal saying please eat and stop messing about!

    Dinner was chilli (batch cooked and portioned up and frozen). My Mum has bought me a new slow cooker in the sales! It's roughly the same size as my current one and she says it was only £10 from one of the supermarkets.

    No more payments to my cc's etc. I'm still worried about the persistent debt thing but I have been paying more than the minimum payment (I.e. if minimum payment was £310 I was paying £340-£350 and paying little bits extra as I could over the month).
    CC2 = £8687.86 (£10000 )CC1 = £0 (£9983 ); Reusing shopping bags savings =£5.80 vs spent £1.05.Wine is like opera. You can enjoy it even if you don't understand it and too much can give you a headache the next day J
    • maddiemay
    • By maddiemay 9th Jan 20, 8:50 PM
    • 4,060 Posts
    • 37,117 Thanks
    maddiemay
    Great news about the slow cooker, lovely of your mum and they can make life so much less stressful if you know there is a meal waiting, or some batch cooked meals in the freezer.
    The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time. (Abraham Lincoln)
    • Uniscots97
    • By Uniscots97 10th Jan 20, 9:32 PM
    • 6,440 Posts
    • 23,867 Thanks
    Uniscots97
    I'm trying to sort my freezer out and replace with batches of
    Items and more frozen veg (so I always have the veg I want). A couple of more receipts today (essentials) but added them to receipthog and
    ZIPZERO
    CC2 = £8687.86 (£10000 )CC1 = £0 (£9983 ); Reusing shopping bags savings =£5.80 vs spent £1.05.Wine is like opera. You can enjoy it even if you don't understand it and too much can give you a headache the next day J
    • Uniscots97
    • By Uniscots97 11th Jan 20, 9:05 AM
    • 6,440 Posts
    • 23,867 Thanks
    Uniscots97
    Just sat and typed a huge post and it's disappeared. Quiet weekend given the weather and going to do a freezer/fridge/cupboard inventory
    CC2 = £8687.86 (£10000 )CC1 = £0 (£9983 ); Reusing shopping bags savings =£5.80 vs spent £1.05.Wine is like opera. You can enjoy it even if you don't understand it and too much can give you a headache the next day J
    • kdalwayskint
    • By kdalwayskint 13th Jan 20, 9:04 PM
    • 691 Posts
    • 1,887 Thanks
    kdalwayskint
    Just sat and typed a huge post and it's disappeared. Quiet weekend given the weather and going to do a freezer/fridge/cupboard inventory
    Originally posted by Uniscots97
    It's so annoying when that happens x
    Saving for Christmas 2020 £30/£366
    Saving for Christmas 2019 ~ £365/£365

    Got married 24/05/19
    Car Fund £162/£5000
    DFW Nerd #1155
    LBM 25/2/09 Debt at highest £8,037.35 now £0
    • Mnd
    • By Mnd 15th Jan 20, 4:18 PM
    • 1,520 Posts
    • 2,463 Thanks
    Mnd
    Uniscots, Try posting long posts partially done, then edit. It's a bit like saving a document on a PC then changing and saving again. Type not complete at the end then we will all know that your masterpiece in a work in progress!
    No.79 save £12k in 2020
Welcome to our new Forum!

Our aim is to save you money quickly and easily. We hope you like it!

Forum Team Contact us

Live Stats

3,147Posts Today

6,177Users online

Martin's Twitter