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  • FIRST POST
    • iksbedd
    • By iksbedd 14th Jun 19, 12:49 PM
    • 30Posts
    • 11Thanks
    iksbedd
    Relocate or not
    • #1
    • 14th Jun 19, 12:49 PM
    Relocate or not 14th Jun 19 at 12:49 PM
    To set the scene:

    Lived in Cheshire for 25 years of my life.
    Moved to Surrey 13 years ago to be with now husband.
    Have had the same job all that time (2 lots of maternity leave) and am now quite senior and on a good wage. Husband works part time at the kids school (total income is around 83k)
    Kids are 7 and 4 and are in a good local school.
    Our link detached 3 bed house is worth around 500k, mortgage is around 235k.

    My mum still lives in Cheshire. My sister also does and is expecting her first child. We have no family at all in Surrey.

    I am homesick. I have a job offer in Cheshire which means a pay cut to 50k (husband has no job lined up)

    We are looking at houses (4 bed detached) for 400k tops. I have found kids places at schools as good as the one they are at now.

    I am delaying over accepting the job offer/resigning. I am petrified of making the whole decision and ruining my families lives - kids and hubby. What if they don't like it up there?

    Pros are nearer to family, easier for them to get onto property ladder when older, fewer people and cars, colder

    Cons are less money, less stability. Potentially unhappy kids.

    I'm not sure if it's just that I don't have the b**ls to actually do something brave, or if deep inside I know this is a stupid idea. But then I think when my mum dies, I'll feel awful having decided not to move closer to her. The guilt.

    Help me.
Page 1
    • k3lvc
    • By k3lvc 14th Jun 19, 12:56 PM
    • 2,755 Posts
    • 4,502 Thanks
    k3lvc
    • #2
    • 14th Jun 19, 12:56 PM
    • #2
    • 14th Jun 19, 12:56 PM
    I've done most of it albeit to Yorkshire - I was lucky to retain same role albeit without London Weighting and with more complicated travel - and I don't regret a moment of it. Our kids were same age and when we compare with their peers we absolutely made the right choice.


    Kids are resilient - skype etc makes life easier over distance but they'll gain new friends


    If we want to go to London for w/e it's 2hrs by train/3 by car and we enjoy the trips more than battling with the south on a regular basis


    My advice - JFDI - lifes too short
    • iksbedd
    • By iksbedd 14th Jun 19, 1:03 PM
    • 30 Posts
    • 11 Thanks
    iksbedd
    • #3
    • 14th Jun 19, 1:03 PM
    • #3
    • 14th Jun 19, 1:03 PM
    Thank you.

    When you say compare to your kids peers, what differences do you notice?
    • chesky
    • By chesky 14th Jun 19, 1:22 PM
    • 1,223 Posts
    • 2,124 Thanks
    chesky
    • #4
    • 14th Jun 19, 1:22 PM
    • #4
    • 14th Jun 19, 1:22 PM
    What does your other half think about the move? Does he think he'll be able to find a similar role there?
    • k3lvc
    • By k3lvc 14th Jun 19, 1:26 PM
    • 2,755 Posts
    • 4,502 Thanks
    k3lvc
    • #5
    • 14th Jun 19, 1:26 PM
    • #5
    • 14th Jun 19, 1:26 PM
    Language/accent
    Time spent travelling to/from school
    Friendliness
    Desire to do outdoor stuff vs sitting behind screen

    Many of these will depend on exactly where you're moving from/to but for us from Surrey (inside M25) to suburbs of a Yorkshire city there's a noticeable change in how they are vs what they could have been

    Bear in mind it's my personal view and a massive generalisation based on my kids vs 10-12 of their peers that we're still in touch with
    • iksbedd
    • By iksbedd 14th Jun 19, 1:26 PM
    • 30 Posts
    • 11 Thanks
    iksbedd
    • #6
    • 14th Jun 19, 1:26 PM
    • #6
    • 14th Jun 19, 1:26 PM
    Not straight away, no.

    He's reluctant to move, I'll be honest. Surrey is all he has even known in his 39 years.

    But, we have nothing keeping us here really - literally no family. At the end of the day, isn't it family that matters?
    • DigForVictory
    • By DigForVictory 14th Jun 19, 1:38 PM
    • 10,149 Posts
    • 35,453 Thanks
    DigForVictory
    • #7
    • 14th Jun 19, 1:38 PM
    • #7
    • 14th Jun 19, 1:38 PM
    Unless your husband is onside with this, you will find every wet day is your personal fault.

    Lay it all out for him, so he can see the likely benefits against the probable risks & join you in an informed & not wholly-emotion-driven decision.
    Surrey to Cheshire is a hike, but it's not impossible.
    How well do you get on with sister & would your children have any interest in the new baby? (your 3 year old might)

    I'm Southern born & migrated North & have no regrets other than the long drives lugging grouchy teens to see my parents but you are still in a good place time-wise to give the whole family time to warm to the idea. (Learning through example that parents are to be cherished is good, just never let them hear you doubting!)

    Just the job offer that's dictating timing at the minute, & that will not help your cause.
    • Doodles
    • By Doodles 14th Jun 19, 1:38 PM
    • 351 Posts
    • 663 Thanks
    Doodles
    • #8
    • 14th Jun 19, 1:38 PM
    • #8
    • 14th Jun 19, 1:38 PM
    How long have you felt homesick for? for all the 13 years that you have been in Surrey?


    Or if just recently, why do you think that might be?

    And is your husband up for the move?
    We are in Transylvania, and Transylvania is not England. Our ways are not your ways, and there shall be to you many strange things.

    Dracula, Bram Stoker
    • iksbedd
    • By iksbedd 14th Jun 19, 1:59 PM
    • 30 Posts
    • 11 Thanks
    iksbedd
    • #9
    • 14th Jun 19, 1:59 PM
    • #9
    • 14th Jun 19, 1:59 PM
    Unless your husband is onside with this, you will find every wet day is your personal fault.

    Lay it all out for him, so he can see the likely benefits against the probable risks & join you in an informed & not wholly-emotion-driven decision.
    Surrey to Cheshire is a hike, but it's not impossible.
    How well do you get on with sister & would your children have any interest in the new baby? (your 3 year old might)

    I'm Southern born & migrated North & have no regrets other than the long drives lugging grouchy teens to see my parents but you are still in a good place time-wise to give the whole family time to warm to the idea. (Learning through example that parents are to be cherished is good, just never let them hear you doubting!)

    Just the job offer that's dictating timing at the minute, & that will not help your cause.
    Originally posted by DigForVictory
    These are wise words. My husband is struggling to see the pros of the move, but does say if roles were reversed, he'd move in a flash. I also do know that any bad days/experiences up there will be my fault - this is partly why I am doubting it.

    Me and my sister don't always get along grandly, but I want to be part of my nephew's life, and want the kids to grow up close to their cousin, rather than miles away and being strangers.

    I agree about showing the children the importance of family. I keep coming back to the day my mum dies and I'll know and regret for the rest of my life not spending those last few years closer to her, basically because of fear and money.
    • iksbedd
    • By iksbedd 14th Jun 19, 2:00 PM
    • 30 Posts
    • 11 Thanks
    iksbedd
    How long have you felt homesick for? for all the 13 years that you have been in Surrey?


    Or if just recently, why do you think that might be?

    And is your husband up for the move?
    Originally posted by Doodles
    I'd say last 6 years; since my Dad died.
    • Smellyonion
    • By Smellyonion 14th Jun 19, 2:11 PM
    • 248 Posts
    • 185 Thanks
    Smellyonion
    You will as total be worse off in the short term if your husband does not find a job soon.


    With 265k equity towards your new house at 400k, your new mortgage will be 135k, the monthly mortgage payments should be 60% of the current levels (you may even receive a better LTV).
    • 74jax
    • By 74jax 14th Jun 19, 2:47 PM
    • 5,168 Posts
    • 7,246 Thanks
    74jax
    If you don't always get on with your sister then will you even get to see the newborn enough to make the bond with your children and their cousin? Does your sister want this bond?
    Yes family is important but your kids and husband are your immediate family too.
    Would your husband visit your family all the time too, does he want too?
    If you move up there and end up just visiting one a fortnight, id consider staying where you are and just you visiting once every 3 weeks initially to see if this bond you want for the kids develops and take it from there.
    Forty and fabulous, well that's what my cards say....
    • iksbedd
    • By iksbedd 14th Jun 19, 2:58 PM
    • 30 Posts
    • 11 Thanks
    iksbedd
    180 miles each way
    • iksbedd
    • By iksbedd 14th Jun 19, 3:01 PM
    • 30 Posts
    • 11 Thanks
    iksbedd
    If you don't always get on with your sister then will you even get to see the newborn enough to make the bond with your children and their cousin? Does your sister want this bond?
    Yes family is important but your kids and husband are your immediate family too.
    Would your husband visit your family all the time too, does he want too?
    If you move up there and end up just visiting one a fortnight, id consider staying where you are and just you visiting once every 3 weeks initially to see if this bond you want for the kids develops and take it from there.
    Originally posted by 74jax
    Yes, I believe she does. The intention would be to see my mum every weekend and include her in days out etc. It's not just the sitting round at each others houses though, it's the little trips out/meals out etc - not big occasion stuff but the things I miss.

    We wouldn't move in time for the birth anyway, she's due in a month and I have 3 months notice to work.
    • ska lover
    • By ska lover 14th Jun 19, 3:05 PM
    • 3,337 Posts
    • 8,367 Thanks
    ska lover
    Cons, less money, less stability potentially unhappy kids, unhappy husband.

    It is a tricky one OP, with the above said, the only person that may be happy is you - but when you have all of the above (cons) weighing on you, it may well reduce your own happiness. It is impossible to be happy when our kids are not (and husbands too

    I really don't know. I do sympathise though. My parents live a long way away, (their choice) and relationships do change, no more popping round for a cuppa cos you have a spare hour/day to day contact. It is very hard to deal with. I can see why you want this.

    Thinking long term - (this sounds awful but) what when your Mum does die? Will you still have the same feelings about your home town? You have already had to endure the death of one parent from afar. Does your sister provide support to your Mum - Will you need to do the same? Will support and care be expected of you if you live nearer

    It is extremely hard to provide support / care for someone whilst working full time, trust me

    This sounds selfish I realise, but points of consideration nonetheless - as to how relationships and expectations may change should you live in the same town
    The opposite of what you know...is also true
    • ska lover
    • By ska lover 14th Jun 19, 3:06 PM
    • 3,337 Posts
    • 8,367 Thanks
    ska lover
    180 miles each way
    Originally posted by iksbedd
    Gosh that is a big trawl isn't it!

    My parents are about 150
    The opposite of what you know...is also true
    • iksbedd
    • By iksbedd 14th Jun 19, 3:14 PM
    • 30 Posts
    • 11 Thanks
    iksbedd
    Cons, less money, less stability potentially unhappy kids, unhappy husband.

    It is a tricky one OP, with the above said, the only person that may be happy is you - but when you have all of the above (cons) weighing on you, it may well reduce your own happiness. It is impossible to be happy when our kids are not (and husbands too

    I really don't know. I do sympathise though. My parents live a long way away, (their choice) and relationships do change, no more popping round for a cuppa cos you have a spare hour/day to day contact. It is very hard to deal with. I can see why you want this.

    Thinking long term - (this sounds awful but) what when your Mum does die? Will you still have the same feelings about your home town? You have already had to endure the death of one parent from afar. Does your sister provide support to your Mum - Will you need to do the same? Will support and care be expected of you if you live nearer

    It is extremely hard to provide support / care for someone whilst working full time, trust me

    This sounds selfish I realise, but points of consideration nonetheless - as to how relationships and expectations may change should you live in the same town
    Originally posted by ska lover
    This is what I need to read though, thank you.

    My sister does help out with my mum a lot, this will dwindle now she's having a baby. I guess I feel I should pull my weight too, but you're right, I'll be working full time.

    Thank you for food for thought.
    • Fizzy11
    • By Fizzy11 14th Jun 19, 4:18 PM
    • 124 Posts
    • 301 Thanks
    Fizzy11
    I’m from Hampshire/Berkshire & OH is from S Wales we relocated to Cheshire 35 years ago & never regretted it. Sometimes you have to make decisions that are hard in the short time but better long term. Your husband will get a job even if it’s not perfect straight away. Think of all you can give to children that’s not measured in financial terms by being nearer family. Plus N Wales coast on your doorstep. My sister lives in Surrey & we’re shocked by the traffic every time we venture down south.
    • bouicca21
    • By bouicca21 14th Jun 19, 5:48 PM
    • 4,639 Posts
    • 7,465 Thanks
    bouicca21
    I’ll go against the flow. If you want to see your mother more, make the effort. Why should your homesickness/depression weigh more than the potential disruption to your lives, potential homesickness of OH and his difficulty in making a new circle of friends, let alone getting a job? What about his family?

    OTOH the children will soon settle as school will give them a peer group automatically.
    • theoretica
    • By theoretica 14th Jun 19, 7:47 PM
    • 6,018 Posts
    • 7,459 Thanks
    theoretica
    People do move - and move again. If you move up to Cheshire you aren't fixed there for ever more if it doesn't work out - moving back in the other direction would be perfectly possible in future.
    But a banker, engaged at enormous expense,
    Had the whole of their cash in his care.
    Lewis Carroll
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