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    • steveouk
    • By steveouk 13th Jun 19, 2:08 PM
    • 334Posts
    • 123Thanks
    Am i being unreasonable?
    • #1
    • 13th Jun 19, 2:08 PM
    Am i being unreasonable? 13th Jun 19 at 2:08 PM
    I want to merge our joint incomes into one account i dont feel this is unreasonable my other half does.

    This has become more of a problem recently as her salary has increased and i have changed career and mine has decreased. She now had many years experience and is doing well along with a bonus every year.

    We used to earn around 30k each a year before tax. Now i am on just over 22k and she is getting close to 40k

    Everything used to be affordable and things were always half each when paid for.

    Now we have always had separate accounts then paid a set amount into a joint account for house bills but i suppose what i am saying is i want to reverse this.

    I want our money to go into one account and we both then take form there. i was thinking perhaps to make it fair we said 10% spending money each before it goes int the account so she would have more anyway.

    We need to do something different as she is always asking me for half and i find it hard to stump up half all the time.
Page 2
    • Kynthia
    • By Kynthia 13th Jun 19, 5:49 PM
    • 5,500 Posts
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    There is no one right way. What matters is finding a way of managing your money you both agree on.

    At the moment you no longer agree with the current arrangement. However you are proposing a method you wife doesn't agree with. I can't blame her as it seems like you've decided on your own and want to impose it on her instead of sitting down together to come up with a solution.

    Arrange an afternoon to talk about your finances. Explain the issues and how you'd like to both save more as a couple. Explain how you feel 50:50 doesn't work when you earn different amounts and how it won't work once you have children and her income will drop during maternity leave and then one of you or both of you may go part time/give up work. Listen to her issues, concerns, proposals, as it's her money too and she gets to decide how she spends so e of it, even if you disapprove (it might be different if money was tight and her spending meant bills weren't bring paid). Then work together to come up with a solution you both agree with even if it's not saving as much as you want and ordering whatever meals she'd like in a restaurant.
    Last edited by Kynthia; 13-06-2019 at 5:54 PM.
    Don't listen to me, I'm no expert!
    • Doodles
    • By Doodles 13th Jun 19, 6:02 PM
    • 351 Posts
    • 663 Thanks
    I think its fine to have a joint account, as well as your individual accounts, and pay in a percentage of your earnings dependent on your salaries. Paying 50/50 doesn't really work when one person earns much less.

    But then that percentage split is also applied to holidays, house stuff etc. You say you don't find it fair but yet you let her pay for your holiday and for all the house projects?

    I suspect the wife may be cheesed off that you took an 8K pay cut. You say she earns nearly 40K but in reality, if you were to split stuff percentage wise then she won't be seeing the benefit of that extra money for herself as it will just go towards joint bills.

    Others will argue that all money should go in one pot as you are married.

    Is there any possibility of earning more over the coming few years to bring your salary up?
    We are in Transylvania, and Transylvania is not England. Our ways are not your ways, and there shall be to you many strange things.

    Dracula, Bram Stoker
    • sheramber
    • By sheramber 13th Jun 19, 6:08 PM
    • 7,079 Posts
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    Did you discuss the potential drop in your income and how it would affect your finances?
    • onwards&upwards
    • By onwards&upwards 13th Jun 19, 6:12 PM
    • 1,163 Posts
    • 2,340 Thanks
    Its not fair as it is, she can afford a lifestyle you can’t, but you’re expected to keep it up.

    She’ll end up with savings and you’ll have debt.

    After 5 years of marriage, it’s all joint anyway if you were to divorce.

    You need to work out how to handle the admin so you have a similar lifestyle but neither feel hard done by and neither stressed out or struggling.

    Don’t even think about IVF till this is resolved, kids will not make it easier!!
    • rach_k
    • By rach_k 13th Jun 19, 6:25 PM
    • 1,555 Posts
    • 2,693 Thanks
    Just tell her you can't afford things that you can't afford and say so when you don't want to spend that much on things. Much simpler and less likely to cause arguments than combining all income and trying to decide who 'deserves' what share.

    If you make yourself a budget based on your own income and paying your half of the bills, show it to her. If that includes spending 30 on eating out once a month, she can either go with that or pay for anything extra herself.

    You could see if she'd be open to paying the bills in proportion to your earnings, but it sounds like you could probably manage fine on a 50/50 split if you cut down on luxuries that she wants but you don't.
    • Happier Me
    • By Happier Me 13th Jun 19, 6:30 PM
    • 531 Posts
    • 1,182 Thanks
    Happier Me
    I agree with Kynthia. You probably need to meet in the middle somewhere.

    Maybe look at this from the perspective of what you want to achieve, not who funds it initially...

    Can you agree as a couple how much you would like to save each month and what the savings will be for? House renovations, emergency fund, mortgage overpayments, etc.

    Can you work out your household monthly bills including food and an amount to cover annual costs such as insurances (but no entertainment/clothes/holidays/personal costs, ie a gym membership etc)

    Can you agree how much you want to spend on non essentials? (holidays, entertainment, takeaways, etc)

    Can you work out what spends are personal? ie gym memberships, phones, clothes, sky sports...the things that only benefit one person.

    Now, work on expanding your options and the impact of funding the above on your lifestyle, using each option.

    This is ultimately about agreeing you joint priorities. It's absolutely essential you work out how you handle the disparity in your earnings because this could cause resentment if not dealt with. From my personal experience, we've always had a joint account, everything goes into the same pot. I have earned more than my husband for much of our marriage, whilst also managing the majority of the childcare, home and finances. I have felt significant resentment at times (fortunately he has other redeeming qualities).

    I probably take home around 250 a month more than my husband now, working a 32 hour week. He works 47 hours a week (hence the no help with kids and home) but my job is significantly more stressful and a lot less enjoyable). I've recently increased my hours hence the extra earnings but he won't have a say in what this is spent will be redirected into my pension which will benefit us both in the future. Otherwise it will get wasted and I will feel trapped into maintaining my earnings at this new level to fund lifestyle inflation.
    • steveouk
    • By steveouk 13th Jun 19, 8:21 PM
    • 334 Posts
    • 123 Thanks
    In terms of the change of job my other career has me away at sea for 4 months at a time and we wanted to settle down together.

    I am in customer services now and while i started on 18k in May 2016 I am now on 22k.

    Busy applying for a job at the moment and have been applying for various ones since the start of the year.
    Should i get a new role then am hopeful to move up towards 23-25k
    little by little i will get back towards a more comfortable wage - where i feel my contribution is better

    In terms of where we are up to i will ask my wife her reservations and look at various options. Looking to be careful until the end of the year then make changes come the new year.
    • theoretica
    • By theoretica 13th Jun 19, 10:28 PM
    • 6,018 Posts
    • 7,459 Thanks
    i have no problem with separate accounts for personal spending money but we both need to save the rest.
    Originally posted by steveouk

    Why do you get to decide that she should be saving? If, following discussion as a couple, she agrees she wants to spend less on current living and save there are many ways to achieve this other than putting most of her money into a joint account. Work out your financial aims as a couple, then find a way to achieve them, don't start from the method.
    But a banker, engaged at enormous expense,
    Had the whole of their cash in his care.
    Lewis Carroll
    • Sea Shell
    • By Sea Shell 14th Jun 19, 5:43 AM
    • 2,603 Posts
    • 4,697 Thanks
    Sea Shell
    On reflection, which account holds what money is irrelevant to a degree, you just need to be in the same page financially.

    If it turns out you can't agree a way forwards, without either of you feeling hard done by in some way, then you've got a bigger problem than whose account your joint marital assets are held in.
    Last edited by Sea Shell; 14-06-2019 at 7:05 AM.
    " That pound I saved yesterday, is a pound I don't have to earn tomorrow " JOB DONE!!
    This should now read "It's time to start digging up those Squirrelled Nuts"!!!
  • archived user
    Rather than keep 10% of your earnings, put say 40% of the your earnings each in a pot for bills. That way it's fairer.
    • NaughtiusMaximus
    • By NaughtiusMaximus 14th Jun 19, 9:51 AM
    • 2,114 Posts
    • 5,220 Thanks
    Its not fair as it is, she can afford a lifestyle you can’t, but you’re expected to keep it up.

    She’ll end up with savings and you’ll have debt.
    Originally posted by onwards&upwards
    In an earlier post the OP stated they split the usual monthly expenditure 50/50 but his wife paid for all the costs of a recent holiday and home improvements. That sounds like a fair and reasonable arrangement to me for a couple with significantly different incomes.

    Whether or not to have a joint account (which seems to be the OPs main concern) and how they split their expenditure are two separate and largely unrelated discussions.
    • Georgiepie
    • By Georgiepie 14th Jun 19, 10:57 AM
    • 19 Posts
    • 48 Thanks
    Me and DH opened a joint account when we got married nearly 40 years ago and believe that any money that comes into the house is our money.

    We only have the joint account and it has worked for us. At various times one has been the higher earner and now I don't work at all due to health problems but am entitled to no benefits so bring no money in at all. If we didn't share everything I wouldn't even be able to afford to eat!
    • ska lover
    • By ska lover 14th Jun 19, 3:13 PM
    • 3,337 Posts
    • 8,367 Thanks
    ska lover
    I think in those cases, of ill health GeorgiePie, everyone would share

    Me and OH do not have joint accounts, but if either of us was unable to work, the other would pick up the slack. It has happened before, when one of us was having major surgery and only getting a few quid ssp a week. The other is there to pay for all

    These things happen, and it is right and fair that partners should look out for each other in sickness

    But in health....each pull their own weight (IMO) but I respect your views Georgiepie.

    When I got married my Mother told me I was getting ripped off, by not insisting on a joint account.But then she did say some other strange things such as we weren't properly married as we didn't have a honeymoon (saving for a home)
    The opposite of what you also true
    • Fizzy11
    • By Fizzy11 14th Jun 19, 4:34 PM
    • 124 Posts
    • 301 Thanks
    Steve I agree with you about you not being able to pay 50% & save as well. I’m of the older generation where we’ve always had a joint account & for a long time I was a full time mum. Even when I went back to work the joint account continued. A joint account depends on two things in my opinion trust & respect. I think you’ll have to have a hard conversation especially if funds are going to be needed for IVF.
    • maman
    • By maman 14th Jun 19, 8:26 PM
    • 20,666 Posts
    • 122,815 Thanks
    In terms of the change of job my other career has me away at sea for 4 months at a time and we wanted to settle down together.
    Originally posted by steveouk
    To me that makes a difference to how I'd view the situation. If you and your wife decided that you'd give up your higher paid job to be together then she should have realised that would have the downside of you having less to contribute to the joint finances.

    It's a shame you didn't make the decision at the time to alter your financial arrangements. Maybe if IVF expenditure is on the horizon you both need to be saving as much as possible even if you need to go back to sea for a while.
    • Georgiepie
    • By Georgiepie 15th Jun 19, 8:07 AM
    • 19 Posts
    • 48 Thanks
    I agree that because I can't work the obvious thing is to share the money DH earns. As I said though, we have always only had a joint account. All our wages and any other money (except say birthday gifts) have always gone into it.

    When we first married I earned quite a lot more than DH but everything was split equally with us both having the same amount of spending money. Then he became the higher earner and everything carried on the same. Then it was reversed again and now I can't work.

    I can never understand couples where just because one earns more they can, if they want, have a better life. I know a couple where one earns around 20,000 and the other earns around 90,000. When they go on holiday the higher earner flies first class but the lower can't afford to and his partner won't pay for him. The higher earner buys himself designer suits whilst the lower earner has to be content with clothes from markets or fairly cheap shops.

    They have been together for over 15 years and it shocks me that their lives are so unequal.
    • charlie792
    • By charlie792 15th Jun 19, 8:44 AM
    • 1,698 Posts
    • 5,390 Thanks
    We each have our own personal accounts, then a joint account for bills.
    We've always tended to split everything 50/50 but as others have said in times of need that's gone out the window.
    We went through a period years ago that as a student I simply couldn't afford 50/50 I think it ended up him paying 3/4 and me 1/4. Later, he was made redundant for a while so naturally I paid all the bills during that period. As a joint household absolutely no resentment as to that.

    These days it's a set amount each month into bills account and a set amount into joint savings (50/50) then whatever we personally have left is our choice to do as we please.
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