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  • FIRST POST
    • Grayfinch85
    • By Grayfinch85 13th Jun 19, 10:54 AM
    • 2Posts
    • 23Thanks
    Grayfinch85
    Husband having a mental breakdown over buying a house
    • #1
    • 13th Jun 19, 10:54 AM
    Husband having a mental breakdown over buying a house 13th Jun 19 at 10:54 AM
    Hi all,

    My husband is generally an overthinker and a perfectionist but over the last 2 years it has become so bad I don't know what to do...
    For so long he's been so fixated on buying a house, he searches RightMove almost obsessively, we saw a few but he always said no for a reason (didn't like the area etc.)
    Now we've found a house that I love that is within our budget, in a nice area and close to where I work. It has a few minor issues that were picked up on the survey but nothing too extreme (needs re-pointing, gutters and decking needs replacing etc)
    The problem is since our offer was accepted his anxiety has become so much WORSE, not better. It's got to the point that he is breaking down crying at least once a week.

    I've tried encouraging him to see a doctor but accessing mental healthcare in our area is very slow and all the while he is miserable and keeps dweling on how he thinks we are making a huge mistake

    The reasons are why he thinks this are everchanging and some don't make any sense:

    'We won't be able to fit a bed in any of the bedrooms' - I've measured we definitely can, rooms are 9ft by 10ft

    'Our monthly repaments would be more than our rent' - our rent has barely changed in 3-4 years and it's for a 1 bed flat vs a house so...yes?

    'I can't stand up in the loft conversion!' - I agree this isn't ideal but the loft ceiling is 6'3, he's 6'6 and we were only going to use it as a guest room and most people aren't his height!

    'We'll be trapped there and won't ever be able to move if the housing market collapses!' - I mean if we're going down that route why not start planning for the apocalypse and start living in a cave?

    I am trying to cope with his meltdowns but it's really hard because I'm a very pragmatic person and I have NO IDEA how to answer some of these other than by saying 'it will be fine'

    He keeps saying that he won't back out of the sale because 'he couldn't do that to me' but it's causing him so much worry and stress I'm wondering if we shouldn't just back out anyway

    What would you do?
Page 2
    • seashore22
    • By seashore22 13th Jun 19, 9:59 PM
    • 1,308 Posts
    • 3,063 Thanks
    seashore22
    A timely thought:

    https://www.bbc.co.uk/bbcthree/clip/1b564269-54ac-47c8-a81c-2e4ab1ae82dc?intc_type=singletheme&intc_location=b bcthree&intc_campaign=bbcthree&intc_linkname=artic le_cryingmakeyoufeelgood_contentcard5
    • Grayfinch85
    • By Grayfinch85 14th Jun 19, 8:59 AM
    • 2 Posts
    • 23 Thanks
    Grayfinch85
    Hi all,

    Thank you so much for all the replies, especially those with suggestions for metal health resources, I will definitely check them out!

    After reading back over my post I realise I was feeling very low yesterday and just needed somwhere to vent. He's been so upset and despairing the past two years at not being able to find a house, I thought that if we could just buy somewhere he'd get better, naive I know.

    In my defence he's exactly like this with holidays too, he has a big panic over booking them and then once we're there we have a great time - in fact after our last holiday I've told him to leave all the booking to me in the future, it's too stressful for both of us!

    One of the problems as well is that he becomes paralysed with indecision. He will worry and worry and work himself up but if I actually ask him what he wants to do about it he'll just keep saying that he doesn't know.

    I went home yesterday and told him that I wanted to back out, only to find that he'd actually seen the doctor and talked things through and was feeling better about the whole thing.

    I know we've got a ways to go before it's all over and there's lots of things he'll find to worry about before the process is over but last night I had my husband back for a bit and it was lovely.

    Thanks again for reading and to everyone for responding
    • DigForVictory
    • By DigForVictory 14th Jun 19, 9:38 AM
    • 10,186 Posts
    • 35,644 Thanks
    DigForVictory
    Well done the both of you, thank you for coming back with an update (it's a cherished rarity) & very best of luck going forward.
    • hazyjo
    • By hazyjo 14th Jun 19, 9:44 AM
    • 12,358 Posts
    • 16,874 Thanks
    hazyjo
    He sounds exactly like my bipolar OH. He gets unbelievably stressed about holidays and moving house. I was dreading moving last time, but in the end just reassured him lots and kept saying 'I promise you...' before explaining anything. The move before that one was even worse due to lots of other issues, but we got there in the end.

    He has absolutely loved being in both houses we've lived in and truly loves them with his whole heart. Probably because we have poured lots of love into them, and I've always said they will be his sanctuary/nest/cocoon, etc. He's a house-husband so home all the time, so it was really important to get it right. We visited the area so much that it became exciting, and stayed over in B&Bs several times.

    I agree that the rooms in the one you're buying seem very small. I doubt he'd find a loft conversion with a much higher ceiling though, so either buy a house with 'standard bedrooms', or, if you can't afford that, compromise on size. Or see a loft room as a bonus room but not something essential.

    With holidays, my OH studies maps to know the area we're staying in inside out - I print them off and he marks where everything is. He worries about the little things like where supermarkets are or a cashpoint in case we run out of money, and chooses some restaurants, bars etc so he feels he knows where he's going.

    It's finding a way to manage the anxiety. It's likely to be 'the whole thing' rather than just one little thing wrong with the house. Some people, men in particular, feel this huge responsibility to have VERY broad shoulders and the pressure crushes them. Maybe try to reassure/remind him that you're there to take some of the burden and you're a team in it together.
    2019 wins: Bottle of Prosecco; Popcorn Shed popcorn; Moisturising 'M&S Time Capsules'; Case of Boost Sport + £30 Just Eat voucher; Battle Proms tickets and hotel; under-eye serum...

    "Should know better." Apparently.
    • getmore4less
    • By getmore4less 14th Jun 19, 11:01 AM
    • 37,477 Posts
    • 23,141 Thanks
    getmore4less
    'Our monthly repaments would be more than our rent' - our rent has barely changed in 3-4 years and it's for a 1 bed flat vs a house so...yes?
    What's the rent for something you can live in at what size will it become more than the mortgage.

    Also remember that the mortgage is part interest(rent) and part capital(equity/savings).

    what will your initial split be on the mortgage the interest part is what you compare to the rent.

    OK the rental you get things fixed but forget to mention that bit for now.
    • MoneySeeker1
    • By MoneySeeker1 14th Jun 19, 11:09 AM
    • 130 Posts
    • 237 Thanks
    MoneySeeker1
    Don't forget that this has been going on for two years now. If you don't press ahead with this one, then you could still be in rented accommodation in another 2 years time, or 5 years, or 10 years. That "nettle needs to be grasped" at some point, so it might as well be now.
    • seven-day-weekend
    • By seven-day-weekend 14th Jun 19, 12:02 PM
    • 33,707 Posts
    • 67,814 Thanks
    seven-day-weekend
    He sounds exactly like my bipolar OH. He gets unbelievably stressed about holidays and moving house. I was dreading moving last time, but in the end just reassured him lots and kept saying 'I promise you...' before explaining anything. The move before that one was even worse due to lots of other issues, but we got there in the end.

    He has absolutely loved being in both houses we've lived in and truly loves them with his whole heart. Probably because we have poured lots of love into them, and I've always said they will be his sanctuary/nest/cocoon, etc. He's a house-husband so home all the time, so it was really important to get it right. We visited the area so much that it became exciting, and stayed over in B&Bs several times.

    I agree that the rooms in the one you're buying seem very small. I doubt he'd find a loft conversion with a much higher ceiling though, so either buy a house with 'standard bedrooms', or, if you can't afford that, compromise on size. Or see a loft room as a bonus room but not something essential.

    With holidays, my OH studies maps to know the area we're staying in inside out - I print them off and he marks where everything is. He worries about the little things like where supermarkets are or a cashpoint in case we run out of money, and chooses some restaurants, bars etc so he feels he knows where he's going.

    It's finding a way to manage the anxiety. It's likely to be 'the whole thing' rather than just one little thing wrong with the house. Some people, men in particular, feel this huge responsibility to have VERY broad shoulders and the pressure crushes them. Maybe try to reassure/remind him that you're there to take some of the burden and you're a team in it together.
    Originally posted by hazyjo
    I have used this post because I have something very similar to say.

    My husband's anxiety is bad at the moment. We are having a garden party at the end of the month - he is obsessing about the weather and that no-one will come. He was worried about going to someone else's garden party last weekend. He is worried about going to a musical event tonight (just as audience, not to perform). He's off the scale about a holiday we are having in September, with another two couples, that we have had to organise.

    That's anxiety, that's what it does. You learn to manage it after a while. You can't let it run your life. Don't pull out, it won't make anything any better - his anxiety will just fasten onto something else.

    I'm glad he's feeling better having seen the Dr. Just keep re-assuring him and you and he will get through it. Take as much of the house-moving off him as you possibly can.

    Hope this helps and hope your house move completes quickly.
    Last edited by seven-day-weekend; 14-06-2019 at 12:05 PM.
    Member #10 of £2 savers club
    Imagine someone holding forth on biology whose only knowledge of the subject is the Book of British Birds, and you have a rough idea of what it feels like to read Richard Dawkins on theology: Terry Eagleton
    • hazyjo
    • By hazyjo 14th Jun 19, 12:30 PM
    • 12,358 Posts
    • 16,874 Thanks
    hazyjo
    I have used this post because I have something very similar to say.

    My husband's anxiety is bad at the moment. We are having a garden party at the end of the month - he is obsessing about the weather and that no-one will come. He was worried about going to someone else's garden party last weekend. He is worried about going to a musical event tonight (just as audience, not to perform). He's off the scale about a holiday we are having in September, with another two couples, that we have had to organise.

    That's anxiety, that's what it does. You learn to manage it after a while. You can't let it run your life. Don't pull out, it won't make anything any better - his anxiety will just fasten onto something else.

    I'm glad he's feeling better having seen the Dr. Just keep re-assuring him and you and he will get through it. Take as much of the house-moving off him as you possibly can.

    Hope this helps and hope your house move completes quickly.
    Originally posted by seven-day-weekend
    God that sounds familiar lol. I tend to go to most things with friends unless it's local. My OH has been checking the weather constantly cos we're out this afternoon. He accidentally binned some hair stuff he uses and was literally in tears down the phone to me cos he couldn't find it and had to go out to meet his dad (locally) and thought the bin men had typically taken the rubbish early. He did eventually find it in the bathroom bin. I tend to just reassure him and calm him down (and we joke about it later). He knows it's totally out of proportion and ridiculous but incidences like that are thankfully few and far between but only due to the fact we keep his life so simple. If he was still working, he'd be in a far worse state.

    Hope you all find solutions or ways to live with it x
    2019 wins: Bottle of Prosecco; Popcorn Shed popcorn; Moisturising 'M&S Time Capsules'; Case of Boost Sport + £30 Just Eat voucher; Battle Proms tickets and hotel; under-eye serum...

    "Should know better." Apparently.
    • seven-day-weekend
    • By seven-day-weekend 14th Jun 19, 2:10 PM
    • 33,707 Posts
    • 67,814 Thanks
    seven-day-weekend
    God that sounds familiar lol. I tend to go to most things with friends unless it's local. My OH has been checking the weather constantly cos we're out this afternoon. He accidentally binned some hair stuff he uses and was literally in tears down the phone to me cos he couldn't find it and had to go out to meet his dad (locally) and thought the bin men had typically taken the rubbish early. He did eventually find it in the bathroom bin. I tend to just reassure him and calm him down (and we joke about it later). He knows it's totally out of proportion and ridiculous but incidences like that are thankfully few and far between but only due to the fact we keep his life so simple. If he was still working, he'd be in a far worse state.

    Hope you all find solutions or ways to live with it x
    Originally posted by hazyjo
    That is precisely why my husband took early retirement when he was 55 and we went to live in rural Spain.
    Member #10 of £2 savers club
    Imagine someone holding forth on biology whose only knowledge of the subject is the Book of British Birds, and you have a rough idea of what it feels like to read Richard Dawkins on theology: Terry Eagleton
    • hazyjo
    • By hazyjo 14th Jun 19, 9:26 PM
    • 12,358 Posts
    • 16,874 Thanks
    hazyjo
    That is precisely why my husband took early retirement when he was 55 and we went to live in rural Spain.
    Originally posted by seven-day-weekend
    Sounds like it's working out well for you both. I wish people were more honest about it and men (especially) stopped putting so much pressure on themselves. They don't seem to be able to say when they can't cope or if they're feeling too responsible for everyone. All the mental health and suicide awareness around right now can only be a positive thing.
    2019 wins: Bottle of Prosecco; Popcorn Shed popcorn; Moisturising 'M&S Time Capsules'; Case of Boost Sport + £30 Just Eat voucher; Battle Proms tickets and hotel; under-eye serum...

    "Should know better." Apparently.
    • JIL
    • By JIL 14th Jun 19, 10:09 PM
    • 5,003 Posts
    • 25,184 Thanks
    JIL
    Could it be the commitment. You are currently renting, this will be mortgaged and your responsibility.

    Try and get to the bottom of why he feels like he does.

    Also what is his job? Does he make a lot of decisions at work? I ask as sometimes that can affect decision making in your home life. Its said president Obama never made decisions about what to wear or what to eat as he couldn't. Due to the nature of his work.
    Last edited by JIL; 14-06-2019 at 10:13 PM.
    • seven-day-weekend
    • By seven-day-weekend 15th Jun 19, 1:43 AM
    • 33,707 Posts
    • 67,814 Thanks
    seven-day-weekend
    Sounds like it's working out well for you both. I wish people were more honest about it and men (especially) stopped putting so much pressure on themselves. They don't seem to be able to say when they can't cope or if they're feeling too responsible for everyone. All the mental health and suicide awareness around right now can only be a positive thing.
    Originally posted by hazyjo
    We have come back from Spain now, just because it was never meant to be permanent.
    Member #10 of £2 savers club
    Imagine someone holding forth on biology whose only knowledge of the subject is the Book of British Birds, and you have a rough idea of what it feels like to read Richard Dawkins on theology: Terry Eagleton
    • happyandcontented
    • By happyandcontented 15th Jun 19, 9:24 AM
    • 2,216 Posts
    • 4,787 Thanks
    happyandcontented
    Could it be the commitment. You are currently renting, this will be mortgaged and your responsibility.

    Try and get to the bottom of why he feels like he does.

    Also what is his job? Does he make a lot of decisions at work? I ask as sometimes that can affect decision making in your home life. Its said president Obama never made decisions about what to wear or what to eat as he couldn't. Due to the nature of his work.
    Originally posted by JIL
    I think that can be true, my OH had a high powered, very stressful job and made difficult decisions every day without batting an eyelid. At home, he left the running of the household, planning of holidays. big ticket purchases and our social life to me because he needed to 'switch off' and just 'be'. He used to say 'just tell me what needs doing, where I need to be and when!
    • onwards&upwards
    • By onwards&upwards 15th Jun 19, 10:59 AM
    • 1,193 Posts
    • 2,372 Thanks
    onwards&upwards
    I think that can be true, my OH had a high powered, very stressful job and made difficult decisions every day without batting an eyelid. At home, he left the running of the household, planning of holidays. big ticket purchases and our social life to me because he needed to 'switch off' and just 'be'. He used to say 'just tell me what needs doing, where I need to be and when!
    Originally posted by happyandcontented

    Hopefully you didnít have a stressful job too!
    • theoretica
    • By theoretica 15th Jun 19, 11:23 AM
    • 6,024 Posts
    • 7,464 Thanks
    theoretica
    Pretty much every big purchase I make I go through a stage of buyer's regret - whether it is a house, car, flights, musical instrument. I now recognise what it is, remind myself that I do my research and trust my reasons and carry on.
    But a banker, engaged at enormous expense,
    Had the whole of their cash in his care.
    Lewis Carroll
    • happyandcontented
    • By happyandcontented 15th Jun 19, 4:08 PM
    • 2,216 Posts
    • 4,787 Thanks
    happyandcontented
    Hopefully you didnít have a stressful job too!
    Originally posted by onwards&upwards
    It has its moments! However, OH knows I love to plan and research so that isn't stressful for me. He always did his share of housework, childcare and general chores he just didn't want to have decide what to do or where to go or be involved in holiday planning when at home.
    • rach_k
    • By rach_k 15th Jun 19, 5:56 PM
    • 1,557 Posts
    • 2,703 Thanks
    rach_k
    I'm an anxious person but my OH is very calm and doesn't panic, ever. We work very well together because he pushes me to go through with things that I would otherwise put off forever (I mean, it only took me 4 years to decide on a new kitchen!). While I understand some people's responses saying that you should back out, you know him best. If he will be fine once he's over his panicking and you think the house will definitely suit you both, just be there, be steady and keep repeating the reassurance, then go for it! It sounds like he's starting to get some help and that's great, but a strong and calm partner can make all the difference too.
    • Primrose
    • By Primrose 15th Jun 19, 6:32 PM
    • 9,007 Posts
    • 32,539 Thanks
    Primrose
    Buying your first home is an enormously stressful decision. The mortgage loan can seem like a big black burden which will be on your back for ever and cripple you but in 12 months you'll probably find that life is ticking over quite normally. After all you have to pay monthly rent, don't you?

    Just budget as carefully as you can, especially in the early days and keep reminding yourselves that the monthly mortgage payment is no longer going out to line the pockets of a landlord and pay his mortgage off but going to buy the home that you will eventually own and is providing far better long term security for yourselves.

    From now on you will hopefully be the owners of an appreciating asset.
    Yes, the house may have a few drawbacks but it will be YOURS and not owned by a landlord who can give you notice to quit at any time.

    Good luck. I hope your husband gets over his anxiety. Anxiety is a more common problem than he realises. It's better to be honest about it and talk through his concerns as they arise. I'm a terrible person for rehearsing the "what ifs?" It's my way of helping me feel I,m staying in control when I,m getting into areas outside my comfort zone. Talking therapy will hopefully help.
    • katsu
    • By katsu 16th Jun 19, 11:46 AM
    • 4,546 Posts
    • 14,128 Thanks
    katsu
    Does your husband have an employee assistance programme through his work? They usually include telephone and some face to face counselling sessions so if that is what your husband needs, they may be able to give him some useful input whilst he organises private sessions or waits on the NHS waiting list.

    I feel for you and all the others in this thread who have to take on more of the strain to support your partners. It isn't always easy to support someone, so good on you for working so hard and it and coming here to get advice, not just rant.

    I hope you both end up happy in your new home.
    Debt at highest: £8k Debt Free 31/12/2009 (nine years and counting ) Original MFD: May 2036. MF Dec 2018
    • AylesburyDuck
    • By AylesburyDuck 16th Jun 19, 5:14 PM
    • 902 Posts
    • 2,221 Thanks
    AylesburyDuck
    Hi all,

    Thank you so much for all the replies, especially those with suggestions for metal health resources, I will definitely check them out!

    After reading back over my post I realise I was feeling very low yesterday and just needed somwhere to vent. He's been so upset and despairing the past two years at not being able to find a house, I thought that if we could just buy somewhere he'd get better, naive I know.

    In my defence he's exactly like this with holidays too, he has a big panic over booking them and then once we're there we have a great time - in fact after our last holiday I've told him to leave all the booking to me in the future, it's too stressful for both of us!

    One of the problems as well is that he becomes paralysed with indecision. He will worry and worry and work himself up but if I actually ask him what he wants to do about it he'll just keep saying that he doesn't know.

    I went home yesterday and told him that I wanted to back out, only to find that he'd actually seen the doctor and talked things through and was feeling better about the whole thing.

    I know we've got a ways to go before it's all over and there's lots of things he'll find to worry about before the process is over but last night I had my husband back for a bit and it was lovely.

    Thanks again for reading and to everyone for responding
    Originally posted by Grayfinch85
    Having read this, its screams to me that maybe your other half may be Autistic, he certainly has some traits.
    Have a look at forms AQ10 and AQ50 on line it may give you an idea as to whether he is.
    http://docs.autismresearchcentre.com/tests/AQ10.pdf

    https://psychology-tools.com/test/autism-spectrum-quotient
    ,
    Fully paid up member of the ignore button club.
    If it walks like a Duck, quacks like a Duck, it's a Duck.
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