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  • FIRST POST
    • TiredandSad
    • By TiredandSad 12th Jun 19, 12:37 PM
    • 8Posts
    • 26Thanks
    TiredandSad
    Partner Borrowing Without Asking WWYD?
    • #1
    • 12th Jun 19, 12:37 PM
    Partner Borrowing Without Asking WWYD? 12th Jun 19 at 12:37 PM
    Created a new account for this, as I want to keep it private.

    Over the last few months my partner and I have been struggling for money. We're always on a budget but we have been running out very quickly. For reference, we each have personal accounts where our salaries are paid and we have a joint account where we pay over a set amount each which covers mortgage, utilities, childcare, car repayments, food and anything for our son. From what is left in our personal accounts we pay our mobile bills, personal debt, clothes, toiletries, haircuts etc.
    So when we've been running out, one or the other of us has been "loaning" extra money to the joint account to keep us afloat. The other day, I had a look at our bank statement - I'd planned to go through it and see where we could cut back as I'm finding it quite stressful. I found a couple of payments to my partner's account and asked him what they were for - sometimes we use his credit card for big items as it's 0%, but I couldn't remember anything. He told me he didn't know. (Normally I don't look at the account until our quarterly statement comes as he checks it daily.)
    Later he woke me up in the night to tell me he had "F-ed up", he had been borrowing sometimes from our joint account and thought he had paid it all back, but hadn't been keeping track. He had totalled it and it came to over £300 that he hadn't paid back over the last quarter. He was quite upset, blamed his mental health (he has been suffering from depression since our son was born 18 months ago) and said he will pay it back but in bits as he can't afford to do it in one go. I told him we'd sort it in the morning and that it would be ok, and we went back to sleep.
    He hasn't brought it up since but it has been playing on my mind over the past couple of days. I don't feel that I can trust him anymore - I occasionally borrow from our joint account but I always speak to him first. I'm concerned about our relationship, if he has done this previously and I haven't picked it up, and also that he seems to care more about his hobby than his partner and child - as far as I can tell he has been spending the money to support his hobby. I don't know what to do next.

    TL;DR Partner has borrowed over £500 from our joint account and paid back less than £200. He can't afford to pay the rest back except in installments. He didn't speak to me before borrowing this money.
    Last edited by TiredandSad; 12-06-2019 at 12:38 PM. Reason: Missed a sentence
Page 3
    • Man From Bath
    • By Man From Bath 13th Jun 19, 1:48 PM
    • 25 Posts
    • 30 Thanks
    Man From Bath
    31,000 posts.
    Well i still think its a major obsession posting 30,000 times, and breaking it down to 7 posts per day for 12 years to me is a clear addiction.

    There are many things people can do rather than sit on her. And to then make out this Gentleman has comitted some kind of crime is a joke,

    Ill lend them £300 if it helps, they can pay back £30 per month for a year, job done.
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 13th Jun 19, 2:01 PM
    • 31,544 Posts
    • 80,884 Thanks
    Mojisola
    And to then make out this Gentleman has comitted some kind of crime is a joke
    Originally posted by Man From Bath
    Not a crime but any parent who can look at their bank account and decide to spend money on a hobby that is there to buy food for the family needs to reassess their priorities.
    • ska lover
    • By ska lover 13th Jun 19, 2:05 PM
    • 3,331 Posts
    • 8,350 Thanks
    ska lover
    Well i still think its a major obsession posting 30,000 times, and breaking it down to 7 posts per day for 12 years to me is a clear addiction.

    There are many things people can do rather than sit on her. And to then make out this Gentleman has comitted some kind of crime is a joke,

    Ill lend them £300 if it helps, they can pay back £30 per month for a year, job done.
    Originally posted by Man From Bath
    There are many things to do, other than sit on here?

    Yes you are right. Go and do them then, eh..
    The opposite of what you know...is also true
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 13th Jun 19, 2:51 PM
    • 23,601 Posts
    • 63,643 Thanks
    Pollycat
    Well i still think its a major obsession posting 30,000 times, and breaking it down to 7 posts per day for 12 years to me is a clear addiction.

    There are many things people can do rather than sit on her. And to then make out this Gentleman has comitted some kind of crime is a joke,

    Ill lend them £300 if it helps, they can pay back £30 per month for a year, job done.
    Originally posted by Man From Bath
    30k posts over 12 years is an addiction?
    That's what you think.
    That's your opinion.
    Not shared by others.

    I have not said 'this Gentleman' has committed a crime.
    In fact, I don't think any poster has said that.

    I do think he should have been honest with his partner.
    That is my opinion and you are perfectly entitled to hold a different opinion.

    You may think your offer is generous.
    However, I can see that this is not just about the money.
    It's an issue that needs to be resolved by talking and coming to an agreement.
    Not by a financial sticking plaster offer from some random stranger on t'interweb
    • Poor_Single_lady
    • By Poor_Single_lady 13th Jun 19, 5:20 PM
    • 1,517 Posts
    • 5,889 Thanks
    Poor_Single_lady
    Some of these posts paint a really bleak picture of parenting. You donít stop being alive just because you have a child. You still have interests and passions and needs. You are still a human. Not just a parent.

    You are allowed to have hobbyís and a life still. You canít just live your whole life for your children? That would be hideous.
    2017- 5 credit cards plus loan
    Overdraft And 1 credit card paid off.

    2018 plans - reduce debt
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 13th Jun 19, 5:39 PM
    • 31,544 Posts
    • 80,884 Thanks
    Mojisola
    Some of these posts paint a really bleak picture of parenting. You donít stop being alive just because you have a child. You still have interests and passions and needs. You are still a human. Not just a parent.

    You are allowed to have hobbyís and a life still. You canít just live your whole life for your children? That would be hideous.
    Originally posted by Poor_Single_lady
    That applies to both parents. If one is spending so much time on a hobby that the other has to do all the parenting, something is very unbalanced in the relationship.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 13th Jun 19, 6:17 PM
    • 23,601 Posts
    • 63,643 Thanks
    Pollycat
    Some of these posts paint a really bleak picture of parenting. You donít stop being alive just because you have a child. You still have interests and passions and needs. You are still a human. Not just a parent.

    You are allowed to have hobbyís and a life still. You canít just live your whole life for your children? That would be hideous.
    Originally posted by Poor_Single_lady
    I don't paint any picture of parenting.
    I've commented on what I personally view (and you are totally at liberty to disagree) as one partner dipping into shared finances because they have spent their own unquestioned money.

    The OP's partner does have a hobby.
    I don't think the OP has tried to curtail that hobby.
    She just doesn't want her partner to spend joint money earmarked for family stuff on his hobby.
    And hide that spend - which he has done.
    • Sayschezza
    • By Sayschezza 14th Jun 19, 12:27 AM
    • 452 Posts
    • 3,637 Thanks
    Sayschezza
    Some really odd replies and I question whether some of you have actually read and understood what the OP has actually written in her opening post.
    61/66 clothing coupons
    • ska lover
    • By ska lover 14th Jun 19, 1:48 AM
    • 3,331 Posts
    • 8,350 Thanks
    ska lover
    Some really odd replies and I question whether some of you have actually read and understood what the OP has actually written in her opening post.
    Originally posted by Sayschezza
    Revisiting this thread, I was just thinking the same.

    I am not going down that rabbit hole
    The opposite of what you know...is also true
    • ToxicWomble
    • By ToxicWomble 14th Jun 19, 6:53 AM
    • 130 Posts
    • 206 Thanks
    ToxicWomble
    Dad is probably feeling somewhat unloved, unwanted and surplus to the household following the birth of the little one and is using his hobby as a substitute.
    Following a birth, everything suddenly becomes about mum and baby leaving the bloke feeling left out and isolated
    Mum puts all her efforts (rightly so) and love into baby and without knowing it alienates hubby.
    Can you honestly say your relationship now is exactly as it was before you got pregnant ?
    If not how and have you tried to fix it ?
    Fatherhood (as well as motherhood) is overwhelming yet men rarely get the same levels of support.
    Did he take paternity/share your maternity ?
    I suspect this is the main root of the issues, ignore the mo etc and tackle the root causes, it wonít get better without some serious effort on both sides.
    • Fire Fox
    • By Fire Fox 14th Jun 19, 7:58 AM
    • 25,148 Posts
    • 29,391 Thanks
    Fire Fox
    His hobby is collectable card gaming, he goes out regularly which I'm very supportive of as I think it is good for both of us to have time with our friends. However because it is a deck builder game, he spends a lot of time at home building alternative decks, watching videos, and unfortunately buying new cards for it. I would never want him to stop participating in something he enjoys but I'm worried he is becoming obsessed with it to the detriment of everything else. I'd say he spends 1-2 hours a day on weekdays, a bit more on weekends plus an afternoon out on a Saturday to play.
    Originally posted by TiredandSad
    Socajam, I am two-minded about his mental health as I see how much he struggles with a lot of things, but that being said I don't think it's any excuse for this. Disrespectful does sum it it, I almost feel a bit used, but I want to try and move forward proactively and hopefully rebuild my trust in him.
    I'll be doing a full SOA, I've taken a day off work to do it in peace next week! We don't have cable etc, or even a TV license, we have Amazon prime which I get for free through my work's rewards scheme I suspect that the main issue is food shopping but I'll see what the figures bring up.
    Originally posted by TiredandSad
    That is not a symptom of clinical depression, but it is a symptom of other disorders of mental health. Having a symptom =/= a diagnosis, but it does warrant investigation. Given he is blaming his poor mental wellbeing, he should be willing to seek further advice. Otherwise he is making excuses.

    It is common to have more than one (often linked) disorders of mental health so don't let that scare you.

    BTW research suggests that there are things that can be done as a family/ at home to help manage mental health issues.
    Daily physical activity: especially in a group, outdoors or involving music. Does not have to be formal exercise. Healthy eating: especially oily fish (up to four times a week) and plenty of mineral-rich foods (eg. seeds, certain nuts, wholegrains, cocoa or low sugar dark chocolate! ).

    HTH.
    Declutterbug-in-progress.⭐️⭐️⭐️ ⭐️⭐️
    • calleyw
    • By calleyw 14th Jun 19, 9:08 AM
    • 9,193 Posts
    • 17,132 Thanks
    calleyw
    I like the way the op's partner is getting jumped on. But the op by her own admission never looks at the account apart from when a quarterly statement comes in.


    If your budgets are that tight then you should be checking the account on at least a weekly basis if not more often. Rather than just leaving it to your partner.


    Seems you want to blame him for everything but have not been proactive and nipping it the bud before it becomes an issue and you are running out of money.

    Yes the Op's partner should not have been dipping in to the joint account without permission but its done now and you need to sort it. But over reacting with I can never trust him again is not going to help. He admits be messed up and wants to pay it back in to the account.


    Work forwards and not backwards.



    Yours


    Calley x
    Hope for everything and expect nothing!!!

    Good enough is almost always good enough -Prof Barry Schwartz

    If it scares you, it might be a good thing to try -Seth Godin
    • NaughtiusMaximus
    • By NaughtiusMaximus 14th Jun 19, 10:03 AM
    • 2,110 Posts
    • 5,217 Thanks
    NaughtiusMaximus
    Well i still think its a major obsession posting 30,000 times, and breaking it down to 7 posts per day for 12 years to me is a clear addiction.
    Originally posted by Man From Bath
    It's a way of passing the time, like watching TV, gardening, reading or in your case, denigrating random strangers on the internet.
    • ska lover
    • By ska lover 14th Jun 19, 2:45 PM
    • 3,331 Posts
    • 8,350 Thanks
    ska lover
    How is it going, OP, did you manage to speak to him?
    The opposite of what you know...is also true
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