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    • shaqs77
    • By shaqs77 11th Apr 19, 11:24 AM
    • 5Posts
    • 1Thanks
    shaqs77
    Divorce and marriage advice please
    • #1
    • 11th Apr 19, 11:24 AM
    Divorce and marriage advice please 11th Apr 19 at 11:24 AM
    Hi, I need some advice desparately.


    i have been married for 15 years and we have a 12 year old son.


    mrs wants a divorce and i dont know what to do. we own a home together approx valued at £200k but owe £131k on mortgage. we dont have any outstanding debts apart from £15k which we owe my father in law who helped us with the deposit. we having been paying him back £200 a month. we both own cars and work full time. she works as an office manager at a school earning approx £1000 a month. i work shifts and bring home about £450 a week.


    we have a joint account and all our bills and everything comes out of that.


    i love her sincerely and do not want this divorce. i am still hoping and praying she changes her mind.


    Ashamedly i know i havent been a brilliant husband, in our 15 years of marriage she has caught me messaging random women 8 times. i have found numbers from gumtree for massages, id ask how much, what does the service include and if i can have a pic. i have never gone through anything, met anyone or have sex with anyone out side the marriage.


    i know it doesnt justify anything and i know im wrong doing that but my reasons were the lack of intimacy between us. i used to constantly have to beg and plead with her to be intimate with me. im not asking for anything new in our relationshaip, all im asking for is for something which we already had.


    since her decision this january to want a divorce, ive been begging her to give me one more chance. both our families know what i have done (they werent aware of the previous occasions until now). both sides of the families have tried convincing her to give it one more go for the sake of our son but she is still so adament on a divorce.


    i just dont know what to do now. i have given her everything she ever wanted. when she wants to go out she goes, when she wants something she gets. i was only disappointed in the lack of intimacy in our relationship and thats it.


    i just dont know what to do. i know she cant afford to stay in the house as she wouldnt be able to afford the mortgage. i really dont want to sell as i love the house im in and the area.


    what advice can someone give me please.
Page 1
    • shaqs77
    • By shaqs77 11th Apr 19, 11:27 AM
    • 5 Posts
    • 1 Thanks
    shaqs77
    • #2
    • 11th Apr 19, 11:27 AM
    • #2
    • 11th Apr 19, 11:27 AM
    help needed please
    • tacpot12
    • By tacpot12 11th Apr 19, 12:28 PM
    • 2,280 Posts
    • 1,984 Thanks
    tacpot12
    • #3
    • 11th Apr 19, 12:28 PM
    • #3
    • 11th Apr 19, 12:28 PM
    I would suggest that you go to see a Relate counsellor.

    See https://www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-relationships

    You can ask your wife to go with you, but anything but the gentlest of pressure just likely to make the situation worse.

    Ultimately you may have to come to terms with the fact that your relationship cannot continue. For your wife's perspective she may have lost too much trust in you and knows that she cannot trust you again. Hopefully it is not that bad, but Relate might be able to help you both figure out if this is the case.

    If you do have to separate, you will be easier if you put the needs of your child before your own needs, and negotiate to separate amicably. I got divorced twenty years ago and it was hard, because of the feelings involved, and because I did not want the relationship to end.

    Lots of marriages don't work out for a variety of reasons, but many people go on to have loving relationships with other people.

    Financially, you are not in a desperately bad place; you both work, and your child is old enough to not need very expensive childcare. You will have to pay child maintenance, and decide what will happen with the house. If you can agree on what will happen with the house, it will be cheaper to get a court to agree this arrangement, than having to go to court to fight for a particular arrangement. You need to figure out if one of you is going to remain in the current house and live their with your child and what the other one will do for accommodation. If someone is moving out, you will need to find out how much it will cost them to do so; e.g. determine what rent, council tax, utilities, insurance will cost.

    When I divorced, I found it very useful to have a monthly budget for the family available. With this you can see what it costs to live, and especially what it costs to live in that house. It might be useful to break each budget item down into a cost per person including you child. You can then look to see what costs are covered by child maintenance, and what each of your income might cover of you own expenses. When I divorced I found, not unsurprisingly, that we could not really afford to live separately. Luckily I was able to agree with my ex that we would both live with an equal amount of shortfall on what we appeared to need to live and find a way to make it work.


    Hope this helps, sorry you are having to go through this.
    The comments I post are my personal opinion. While I try to check everything is correct before posting, I can and do make mistakes, so always check official information sources before relying on my posts.
    • BrassicWoman
    • By BrassicWoman 11th Apr 19, 12:51 PM
    • 2,062 Posts
    • 7,960 Thanks
    BrassicWoman
    • #4
    • 11th Apr 19, 12:51 PM
    • #4
    • 11th Apr 19, 12:51 PM
    What I'm reading is that it's all about what you want. How you can talk to her/ what you can do to get what you want. What you then do when you don't get what you want.



    Which in my eyes is not love. Maybe stop pretending you love her and then decide from there?


    Sometimes, it's just over, and that's ok.
    April 19 grocery challenge £164.75/ £200
    • Ergates
    • By Ergates 11th Apr 19, 2:38 PM
    • 349 Posts
    • 497 Thanks
    Ergates
    • #5
    • 11th Apr 19, 2:38 PM
    • #5
    • 11th Apr 19, 2:38 PM
    i have given her everything she ever wanted.
    Originally posted by shaqs77
    Apart from, you know, not messaging other women asking about sexual favours. I expect she probably wanted you to not do that quite a lot.

    Look at it from her perspective - if you found, on multiple occasions, messages on her phone to other men, of a sexual nature, how would you react? Would you believe her when she said "But I never followed through with any of them"? Would you really?
    • mark5
    • By mark5 11th Apr 19, 4:04 PM
    • 1,224 Posts
    • 828 Thanks
    mark5
    • #6
    • 11th Apr 19, 4:04 PM
    • #6
    • 11th Apr 19, 4:04 PM
    Donít move out of the house and if you must leave take any furniture or personal possessions you want the same time.

    Whatever you agree verbally she will go back on guaranteed once solicitors get involved.

    I would push to get the house sold before you move out and the split of assets agreed legally through solicitors.

    Make sure your bank statements are cleaner than clean her solicitor will make any minor spending out to be major issues.
    • BrassicWoman
    • By BrassicWoman 11th Apr 19, 4:54 PM
    • 2,062 Posts
    • 7,960 Thanks
    BrassicWoman
    • #7
    • 11th Apr 19, 4:54 PM
    • #7
    • 11th Apr 19, 4:54 PM
    Donít move out of the house and if you must leave take any furniture or personal possessions you want the same time.

    Whatever you agree verbally she will go back on guaranteed once solicitors get involved.

    I would push to get the house sold before you move out and the split of assets agreed legally through solicitors.

    Make sure your bank statements are cleaner than clean her solicitor will make any minor spending out to be major issues.
    Originally posted by mark5



    They've got a 12 year old. If he's staying with mum there's probably no selling of the house for now.



    Maybe dad could stay home and wife could move out and enjoy her care free single life instead?



    Also, not all women are conniving besoms.
    April 19 grocery challenge £164.75/ £200
    • onwards&upwards
    • By onwards&upwards 11th Apr 19, 6:51 PM
    • 204 Posts
    • 385 Thanks
    onwards&upwards
    • #8
    • 11th Apr 19, 6:51 PM
    • #8
    • 11th Apr 19, 6:51 PM
    help needed please
    Originally posted by shaqs77

    Sorry, I think your wife is totally justified. If she were my friend iíd support her to leave you.

    I do wish you the best in moving on though and hope that you learn from this and if you have relationships in future you treat them better and start to be a better role model for your son.
    • Gavin83
    • By Gavin83 11th Apr 19, 8:45 PM
    • 5,850 Posts
    • 9,985 Thanks
    Gavin83
    • #9
    • 11th Apr 19, 8:45 PM
    • #9
    • 11th Apr 19, 8:45 PM
    Honestly this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship and you both sound like you're being poor partners to each other. I can see your point of view but honestly if you were that unhappy you should have left her and not gone out seeking affection elsewhere. If it's to work you both need to put the effort in and seriously need some marriage councilling but honestly it may have already gone too far and in your shoes I'd have left her years ago.

    I'd suggest speaking to a solicitor about your legal rights, you'll need it.
    • mark5
    • By mark5 13th Apr 19, 11:09 AM
    • 1,224 Posts
    • 828 Thanks
    mark5
    They've got a 12 year old. If he's staying with mum there's probably no selling of the house for now.



    Maybe dad could stay home and wife could move out and enjoy her care free single life instead?



    Also, not all women are conniving besoms.
    Originally posted by BrassicWoman
    It depends if she can afford it by herself!
    • onomatopoeia99
    • By onomatopoeia99 13th Apr 19, 12:22 PM
    • 5,442 Posts
    • 12,330 Thanks
    onomatopoeia99
    Maybe dad could stay home and wife could move out and enjoy her care free single life instead?
    Originally posted by BrassicWoman

    Indeed, she should, and pay maintenance of course.
    INTP, nerd, libertarian and scifi geek. Home is where my books are.

    5.2kWp system, SE facing, >1% shading, installed March 2019.
    • mangog
    • By mangog 16th Apr 19, 6:33 PM
    • 128 Posts
    • 195 Thanks
    mangog
    i have given her everything she ever wanted
    Clearly not, or she wouldn't be asking for a divorce.
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