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  • FIRST POST
    • winterblues2019
    • By winterblues2019 9th Apr 19, 12:08 PM
    • 26Posts
    • 16Thanks
    winterblues2019
    Marriage problems
    • #1
    • 9th Apr 19, 12:08 PM
    Marriage problems 9th Apr 19 at 12:08 PM
    Hi all, I'm looking for some advice please and to have a vent, I didn't sleep last night.

    I got married 11 years ago and we had a child 5 years ago. We moved to our house 2 years ago (joint mortgage).

    He's always liked a drink and going out but it's escalating and he's staying out all night several times a week and sleeping all the next day and hasn't been working much in 6 months and not giving me any money so I am paying for mortgage and all bills and everything else (I work full time) and I'm struggling and have run up credit card debt.

    Here's a list of my complaints (obviously the relationship is over):
    Drinking
    Not coming home til the next day
    Coming home 4am
    Sleeps all the next day
    I can't lock door and I don't feel safe
    Smoking
    Tells me I'm lazy
    Doesn't let me stay in bed at 9am on Saturday
    I had conjunctivitis in both eyes and couldn't see or sleep and he was complaining I stayed in bed for a day
    Drinks and drives
    Texts and calls and drives and I don't feel safe and I get stressed
    2 parking tickets, cost us more than 300 (he hid the court papers from me until it was too late and he got a default)
    Speeding ticket cost us 100
    Doesn't work and doesn't give me enough money
    I have all the responsibility to make sure mortgage and bills and credit cards and his car and van insurances etc are paid and I can't manage everything on my own
    Spent 15k on a car we can't afford just to show off
    I don't trust him, he's not honest, he's happy to stay in this situation with me even though he doesn't love and respect me as I am providing everything for him financially
    Not affectionate or kind to me, doesn't hug me or hold my hand or say anything sweet to me
    Tells our son "we don't need mummy, what do we need mummy for"
    I pay for everything in the house, it's all on my shoulders, I might get some money from him on some random day but it's not guaranteed
    No family life, he's out drinking with his friends 3 times a week or sleeping or playing football so doesn't do things with me and our son
    We have no money bc he spends it on going out with his friends so I am struggling to pay bills and credit cards and can't pay to fix things in the house
    Doesn't go out with me or take me anywhere or give me a break from work and son
    Takes me for granted
    I have done alot for his family over past 11 years and still do and he complains if I ask him to do things for me and my family
    His family lived with us for nearly 10 years in my 1 bedroom flat without asking me

    I don't drink, smoke, go out much, don't have a car and I feel stressed about buying myself lunch at work bc of money worries. My "partner" doesn't care about these things and spends money on these things and might give me something at some point if I'm lucky, drinking and staying out all night isn't good for his physical or mental health and he takes antidepressants as well which also isn't good for his liver and he complains about being fat all the time without doing a thing to look after his health.

    Thanks for reading this far!

    Our mortgage is fixed for another 8 years and we'll have to pay 13k ERC, is it unreasonable to ask him to move out and I will get a lodger and in 8 years we can sell the house?

    I must be enabling him so it's time to cut the apron strings and maybe he'll sort himself out.
Page 5
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 13th Apr 19, 10:50 AM
    • 22,089 Posts
    • 59,657 Thanks
    Pollycat
    Once again I don't see what your issue is and you seem to be seeing things in my post that don't exist. I quite clearly said his behaviour is unacceptable but I still don't think it constitutes abuse, no.
    Originally posted by Gavin83
    You do realise this is the 21 century right? 1980 called, it wants its attitude back please!
    Originally posted by AylesburyDuck
    It's a difference of opinion, based solely on what we have been told by one party in this mess.

    Nobody knows the OP's OH's side of events.
    Nobody on here will get to say 'yes, that's abuse' or 'no, that isn't abuse' in this case (or any other similar one).

    The OP needs proper legal advice.
    • winterblues2019
    • By winterblues2019 15th Apr 19, 3:48 PM
    • 26 Posts
    • 16 Thanks
    winterblues2019
    Hello all, thanks for your contributions, I've been off-line for a few days with my son for Easter holidays.
    I have told the man many times that his behaviour is unacceptable, I've told him how would he like it if he was working full time, paying for everything and his wife was going out 3 times a week, getting drunk and coming home at 3am or not coming home at all and not contributing to the mortgage (which is over a thousand) and the bills.

    I think he has a drink problem and being drunk and partying makes him happy and then he sleeps it off the next day.

    He went out on Saturday night and came home at 3am and I heard him downstairs with his cousin until 4am and I went to sleep. At 8am my son and I both woke him up and wouldn't let him go back to sleep, I told him he has a young son he needs to spend time with. He dozed on the sofa. I told him that this can't continue and we will sell the house. I spent the weekend watching youtube videos about alcoholics and being in a relationship with an alcoholic. The message is to leave them as they won't change for anyone but themselves. Alcoholics are selfish. His uncle died of alcoholism at 42.

    I can afford to pay for everything myself and I could get a lodger to help out.

    His family did live with us for many years but they did pay their way and they are good people, his brothers don't act the way he does towards their partners.

    The end is nigh!
    • MovingForwards
    • By MovingForwards 15th Apr 19, 4:35 PM
    • 776 Posts
    • 929 Thanks
    MovingForwards
    Gather all your birth certificates, marriage certificate, passports, driving licence etc (for you and your son) and either hand them to your parents to look after or see if you can lock them away in your desk or other safe place at work.

    If you think things may start to spill into your work life then have a quiet / confidential word with them.

    Start looking at how much you can charge a lodger and read up on your (limited) responsibility to them.

    Open up a paperless account with a bank or building society or online bank (Monzo / Marcus etc) and start squirreling away some money to tide you over.

    If you are close to your parents let them know what is happening and what you are planning.

    Look on the entitled to website and work out what benefits you can claim as a single parent.

    You may not make any more steps for a while, but when you do you will be ready. Every time you take another step you are grabbing more confidence.
    • winterblues2019
    • By winterblues2019 15th Apr 19, 4:48 PM
    • 26 Posts
    • 16 Thanks
    winterblues2019
    Thank you, I do have debts on 0% credit cards, I am paying these off but I do have a few thousand in savings and premium bonds so I have ready cash...I could get 400 - 600 a month from a lodger (need to look into tax).

    I think the decent thing for the man to do is to live with his cousins / friends that he spends all his time with drinking and they can live their single, alcoholic lives together.

    I can get a lodger to help me pay my credit card debts. But hopefully the lodger won't be going out drinking and partying all night too! The issue with bolting the door from the inside remains...the area that I live in is getting more dangerous at night, a house close to me was broken into recently with the family inside and they were held hostage. At least if I can bolt the door from the inside I can feel a bit safer and if anyone tries to break in it will take them a bit longer and give me more time to call the police!

    The man and I want different things in life, he's not ready to be a grown up but wants to enjoy the benefits of me providing a comfortable home for him!
    • MovingForwards
    • By MovingForwards 15th Apr 19, 4:55 PM
    • 776 Posts
    • 929 Thanks
    MovingForwards
    https://www.gov.uk/rent-room-in-your-home/the-rent-a-room-scheme

    Here is a bit of info on renting a room out.

    Can't offer any suggestions about locking up as my ex went the next day when I told him to.

    I know yours is still around, but try not to waste any more breath on him and start thinking about yourself and the little guy.
    • winterblues2019
    • By winterblues2019 15th Apr 19, 4:58 PM
    • 26 Posts
    • 16 Thanks
    winterblues2019
    Yeah me and the little guy do tons of fun things together all weekend while the man is out or sleeping it off, he is my ray of sunshine and my reason for carrying on!
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 16th Apr 19, 7:13 AM
    • 22,089 Posts
    • 59,657 Thanks
    Pollycat
    Thank you, I do have debts on 0% credit cards, I am paying these off but I do have a few thousand in savings and premium bonds so I have ready cash...I could get 400 - 600 a month from a lodger (need to look into tax).

    I think the decent thing for the man to do is to live with his cousins / friends that he spends all his time with drinking and they can live their single, alcoholic lives together.

    I can get a lodger to help me pay my credit card debts. But hopefully the lodger won't be going out drinking and partying all night too! The issue with bolting the door from the inside remains...the area that I live in is getting more dangerous at night, a house close to me was broken into recently with the family inside and they were held hostage. At least if I can bolt the door from the inside I can feel a bit safer and if anyone tries to break in it will take them a bit longer and give me more time to call the police!

    The man and I want different things in life, he's not ready to be a grown up but wants to enjoy the benefits of me providing a comfortable home for him!
    Originally posted by winterblues2019
    Re the bit in bold - is this what your solicitor has suggested?
    Did he mention your soon-to-be-ex's potential claim on the property you are both currently living in and possibly your pension?
    • spirit
    • By spirit 16th Apr 19, 2:28 PM
    • 2,753 Posts
    • 6,293 Thanks
    spirit
    Thank you, I do have debts on 0% credit cards, I am paying these off but I do have a few thousand in savings and premium bonds so I have ready cash...I could get 400 - 600 a month from a lodger (need to look into tax).

    I think the decent thing for the man to do is to live with his cousins / friends that he spends all his time with drinking and they can live their single, alcoholic lives together.

    I can get a lodger to help me pay my credit card debts. But hopefully the lodger won't be going out drinking and partying all night too! The issue with bolting the door from the inside remains...the area that I live in is getting more dangerous at night, a house close to me was broken into recently with the family inside and they were held hostage. At least if I can bolt the door from the inside I can feel a bit safer and if anyone tries to break in it will take them a bit longer and give me more time to call the police!

    The man and I want different things in life, he's not ready to be a grown up but wants to enjoy the benefits of me providing a comfortable home for him!
    Originally posted by winterblues2019


    What did he say when you mentioned this?
    Mortgage free as of 10/02/2015. Every brick and blade of grass belongs to meeeee.
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