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  • FIRST POST
    • LoisGriffin
    • By LoisGriffin 6th Apr 19, 7:35 PM
    • 11Posts
    • 5Thanks
    LoisGriffin
    How soon is too soon
    • #1
    • 6th Apr 19, 7:35 PM
    How soon is too soon 6th Apr 19 at 7:35 PM
    I am with my new boyfriend for just a few months. I feel quite certain he is my life partner.
    Before I met him I wouldíve sceptical (and cynical) that it was possible to feel like this especially so early on so I know it may well sound a bit mad.

    I would get married tommorow - and I know that he would ask me in time. No need yet. But is it a bit crazy to feel like that so early on- I donít normally when I have dated people before - but is this a normal thing that everyone feels at the beginning and then it goes away?

    I donít date a lot. Single for about 6 years. Never really been bothered about meeting ďthe oneĒ and kind of thought that a lot of people settle because a big connection is a rare thing. A lot of my friends relationships arenít really an advertisement for partners so I wasnít looking and didnít expect it. I am early 30s.

    Would love to hear from people who had quick weddings. Itís a tough thing to talk about in real life.
    Thank you.
Page 2
    • LoisGriffin
    • By LoisGriffin 7th Apr 19, 7:49 PM
    • 11 Posts
    • 5 Thanks
    LoisGriffin
    Thank you all for the responses. I will try to answer in order.

    Ognum I truly donít know why I want to get married. I just know that it is suddenly quite important. I canít explain even to myself - I am sorry.

    DCFC I think your point that he could walk away applies to most people in a relationship. Isnít that a risk you just take.

    As I mentioned I really feel he is my life partner so I thought this would cover that yes - we have spoken about this and we are on the same page.
    I think my question was less - will it work, and more is it the most ridiculous thing to do.

    Thank you so much for everyone responding about their early weddings and moving-ins. And happy wedding anniversary LilElvis. I donít know why it helps to read about other peopleís experiences but somehow it does.



    I
    • mudgekin
    • By mudgekin 7th Apr 19, 8:00 PM
    • 500 Posts
    • 2,860 Thanks
    mudgekin
    Met in October,
    Had our first date on Nov 5th and for the first time slept with someone on the first date
    He proposed on Hogmanay
    Married the following March
    I love my soulmate more today than I ever thought possible and Iím so grateful for 32 years together
    • Georgiepie
    • By Georgiepie 8th Apr 19, 3:13 PM
    • 11 Posts
    • 15 Thanks
    Georgiepie
    Me and DH met in January (I was 25, he was 23). We got married in June (didn't live together first).

    We celebrate 39 years married this year and are very happy and very much in love still.

    I was adamant I didn't want to get married, then met now DH and definitely did!

    DH proposed about 4 weeks after we met. From the 3rd date we saw each other just about every day even if only for an hour or so
    • andydownes123
    • By andydownes123 9th Apr 19, 9:15 AM
    • 550 Posts
    • 668 Thanks
    andydownes123
    Hello,
    I read a lot about relationship dynamics. General (and sensible) rule is that anyone can behave at the start of a relationship. Any BPD, untrustworthy, cheating person can be on their best behaviour for the first 18 months. Wait at least one year before you jump and make a decision that could have ramifications for many years to come.
    • Gavin83
    • By Gavin83 9th Apr 19, 10:44 AM
    • 5,857 Posts
    • 10,012 Thanks
    Gavin83
    I think it's crazy to get married that early on in a relationship but of course people are free to conduct their relationships how they wish. For every tale of perfect matrimony they'll be several of failed marriages.

    Personally I wouldn't move in with someone I'd been with less than a year and I'd want to live with them for a year before I proposed and in all honesty I'd wait longer. IMO you don't get to know someone earlier than this and a girlfriend pushing for these things would be a huge red flag for me.
    • Georgiepie
    • By Georgiepie 9th Apr 19, 11:02 AM
    • 11 Posts
    • 15 Thanks
    Georgiepie
    I think it's crazy to get married that early on in a relationship but of course people are free to conduct their relationships how they wish. For every tale of perfect matrimony they'll be several of failed marriages.

    Personally I wouldn't move in with someone I'd been with less than a year and I'd want to live with them for a year before I proposed and in all honesty I'd wait longer. IMO you don't get to know someone earlier than this and a girlfriend pushing for these things would be a huge red flag for me.
    Originally posted by Gavin83

    I am not sure I think the length of time a couple have known each other really makes that much difference. As I said, we knew each other 5 months before marrying and are still very happy.

    A cousin of DH lived with her boyfriend for 12 years and then married. The marriage lasted 6 months. A friend of ours lived with his girlfriend for 14 years then married - the marriage lasted just over a year. Another friend dated her boyfriend for 9 years before marrying - that lasted 2 years.
    • xXMessedUpXx
    • By xXMessedUpXx 9th Apr 19, 8:50 PM
    • 17,361 Posts
    • 45,742 Thanks
    xXMessedUpXx
    I will say i knew the bf was "the one" quite early on, 4 years later i still feel the same. Neither of us is overly bothered by marraige though further down the line might be an option. We're currently saving up for our own place (and im paying off debt) so although marraige is supposed to come first i;d rather have somewhere to live first.
    "Life Is Like A Beautiful Melody Only The Lyrics Are Messed Up"
    To see the rainbow you need both the sun and the rain to make its colours appear
    Weight loss attempt 23002 7lbs/127lbs lost
    • JayJay100
    • By JayJay100 10th Apr 19, 8:32 AM
    • 236 Posts
    • 480 Thanks
    JayJay100
    I have the felt the way you have described twice in my life. The first time, I couldn't believe my luck and I genuinely thought we'd be together forever; we were on the same page with everything, we looked at other couples that were going through difficult times and congratulated ourselves that we would never be like that, and it was wonderful right up to the moment he left. The second time was very similar, although I knew it could all be taken away in seconds, and it was. I couldn't imagine life without either of them at the time. Occasionally I see them now and I feel nothing for either of them; I don't even find them attractive.

    The relationship I'm in now is totally different and it is was a slow burn; we almost drifted together and there were no bells or whistles. There are very few dizzy heights, but there are equally few devastating lows; I'm with someone who has my back 100% and is worth his weight in gold.

    Enjoy what you have and make the most of it. If it's going to happen, it will.
    • garth549
    • By garth549 10th Apr 19, 12:23 PM
    • 268 Posts
    • 115 Thanks
    garth549
    We moved in together after 6 months, got engaged after 1 year, married after 2 years, baby after 6 years.

    Be careful because it's easy to get carried away early on in a relationship. I'd definitely advise living together for at least 6 months before even thinking about marriage.
    • Slinky
    • By Slinky 10th Apr 19, 4:38 PM
    • 5,888 Posts
    • 27,849 Thanks
    Slinky

    A cousin of DH lived with her boyfriend for 12 years and then married. The marriage lasted 6 months. A friend of ours lived with his girlfriend for 14 years then married - the marriage lasted just over a year. Another friend dated her boyfriend for 9 years before marrying - that lasted 2 years.
    Originally posted by Georgiepie

    Sounds as though the relationships were dying, but they hoped marriage would change things, which they didn't.
    • Gavin83
    • By Gavin83 10th Apr 19, 7:00 PM
    • 5,857 Posts
    • 10,012 Thanks
    Gavin83
    I am not sure I think the length of time a couple have known each other really makes that much difference. As I said, we knew each other 5 months before marrying and are still very happy.

    A cousin of DH lived with her boyfriend for 12 years and then married. The marriage lasted 6 months. A friend of ours lived with his girlfriend for 14 years then married - the marriage lasted just over a year. Another friend dated her boyfriend for 9 years before marrying - that lasted 2 years.
    Originally posted by Georgiepie
    I'm sure everyone can think of examples of most situations in regards to relationships. However you are definitely more likely to have a failed marriage if you've only been together a short amount of time before getting hitched.

    I've never really understood how a couple can be together a decade and then get divorced after 6 months. You'd think they'd know each other by that point.
    • VJWhite
    • By VJWhite 12th Apr 19, 4:27 PM
    • 1 Posts
    • 1 Thanks
    VJWhite
    We got married after 11 weeks of going out together. We saw each other weekends only as we lived miles apart. We have been married 45 yrs this year.
    • StephShrubb
    • By StephShrubb 13th Apr 19, 5:34 AM
    • 1 Posts
    • 1 Thanks
    StephShrubb
    I met my husband January 2018, we got engaged June 2018, although we knew well before that we wanted to be with each forever, then got married in October! I had 4 months to plan, but very proud of how I simplified it but we still had everything we wanted and saved a lot of money 😉

    For us, we are Christian and didn't live together (or have sex) before we got married, so that does speed things along, but also we talked a lot about how we felt about each other, and were just inseparable while dating! We are very happy. So far so good!

    The point is, as long as both of you are on the same page and committed in the same way, do whatever you feel is right and don't concern yourself with social pressures! Our families were very supportive. Don't know about yours but it's worth listening to them. Hopefully they understand how you feel.

    Good luck!
    • MovingForwards
    • By MovingForwards 13th Apr 19, 9:07 AM
    • 777 Posts
    • 941 Thanks
    MovingForwards
    Moved in at 6 months, married at year 11, split up at year 20.

    It either works because you both want to and continue to work at it or it doesn't.
    • TechyGuy
    • By TechyGuy 13th Apr 19, 2:54 PM
    • 5 Posts
    • 3 Thanks
    TechyGuy
    My wife and I met online (via a mutual friend) in August 1999, first date in Oct got engaged in Feb, moved in in March and got married in September. I was 22 and my wife was 17 when we met, and almost everyone said it would never last.

    20 years and 8 children later we are still very much in love. Funnily enough, most of the people who thought we wouldn't make it split up years ago! We had some difficult times here and there, but it's about working through it and being committed. If it feels right to you, then as long as you both feel the same way, don't spoil it by over thinking things that make you happy. Love unconditionally, forgive each other willingly, embrace each others quirks, be fiercely loyal to each other and be in it together (whatever "it" may be!).


    Good luck and be happy!
    • marisco
    • By marisco 15th Apr 19, 1:20 PM
    • 3,980 Posts
    • 17,973 Thanks
    marisco
    I wouldn't consider getting married to someone unless I had known them for a good couple of years. A few months in is just a honeymoon period especially if you don't yet live together. Why the rush to tie the knot? Just enjoy living in the moment and see what evolves is my advice.
    The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own, no apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on or blame. The gift is yours - it is an amazing journey - and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins.
    • LoisGriffin
    • By LoisGriffin 15th Apr 19, 5:24 PM
    • 11 Posts
    • 5 Thanks
    LoisGriffin
    I canít wait a good couple of years I will go mad!

    If we lived our lives just listening to our heads and not our hearts then nobody would ever get married. Just live together. It makes more sense but it wouldnít be enough for me. I need us to be a family unit.

    I think we will be ok. Itís not a Big Bang thing from nowhere like it sounds. We knew who each other were for a while and have quite a few mutual friends. But hadnít got to know each other properly until we did.

    I donít feel like we are in honeymoon period, I feel like we are getting used to aligning ourselves with each other and amending our lives to put each other at the centre-point.
    I adored being single and having my own life just for me so if anything itís more of an adjustment and occasionally a struggle than a honeymoon. But it just feels right.

    Thank you all so much for your replies. They have helped.
    • Erinath
    • By Erinath 17th Apr 19, 11:49 AM
    • 313 Posts
    • 777 Thanks
    Erinath
    At 23 I met the person I thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Within 5 months we were engaged, 6 months after that we married. Looking back, I wish I had taken it slower & got to know him more before we married. I should have realised him really pressuring me to marry him so soon after getting together was unusual. Looking back, we were both really messed up & depressed, therefore looking for something positive we could build together to get ourselves out of that.

    Having said all of that, it has worked out between us & next year will be our 20th anniversary. I feel I am lucky that it worked out though, as we both made a rash decision about something incredibly important. We even advise our kids that it was not a wise decision we made & that it took a great deal of work at times to keep things going. Don't get me wrong, I'm still glad I married him, I actually love him far more now than I did then (and that's really saying something). With age & maturity, I just realise I really should have waited longer before getting married.
    • Claddagh_Noir
    • By Claddagh_Noir 17th Apr 19, 2:42 PM
    • 46 Posts
    • 54 Thanks
    Claddagh_Noir

    I've never really understood how a couple can be together a decade and then get divorced after 6 months. You'd think they'd know each other by that point.
    Originally posted by Gavin83

    I have seen and noticed so many cases of couples being together for donkeys years, they then make things official by getting married and then within a year or two, split up with or without children. Maybe it is the pressure of being married because it is an official status, marriage can change some people.

    Maybe one party wants to get the joint bank account and the other doesn't or one wants to sell the house and buy one together as a married couple and the other party doesn't. Maybe one of them nagged and hen-pecked the other to get married to make things 'right' and then the cracks began to show afterwards because it was not a mutual agreement. One party will probably say 'right, you cannot hang out with your single mates anymore, we are going to go out with other married couples' or 'I thought things were going to be different because we are married now, I thought you would want to stay at home and have more nights in with me!'

    The couple have done things like this prior to marriage, so why change now? Chances are, the scenarios I mentioned would more than likely happen if these changes were not discussed before the entering into the marriage.

    Having said that, you can be with someone for less than 5 years get hitched and it lasts forever. Or you can be with someone for 20 odd years, get hitched and it will still last.

    OP... if you believe you are going to be together forever, why rush? Savour every moment. Don't rush everything to the point there are no more relationship milestones to look forward to.

    At the moment YOU ARE in the honeymoon phase. You have only been together a matter of months/weeks. Of course everything is going to be peachy creamy now. See if you are saying this after you have had your first argument or if there is an issue in the relationship that is like an elephant in the room/bone of contention, see how you both address it and communicate about it and then you can really state whether you are both each others soulmates.

    It seems that you have not had much of a connection with previous people you have dated and this is the only guy thus far that you have found a spark with and you are getting carried away and swept away with the romantacism of it all. Nothing wrong with that, but do not lose your head over it.

    You do not truly know somoene until you spend a considerable amount of time with them and more importantly, cohabitate with them.
    Last edited by Claddagh_Noir; 17-04-2019 at 2:44 PM.
    • LoisGriffin
    • By LoisGriffin 18th Apr 19, 5:44 AM
    • 11 Posts
    • 5 Thanks
    LoisGriffin
    I donít really feel carried away. I just feel like this-is-it for me.
    Iím not really a fan of cohabitating for a long time. It feels like seeing how it goes or like you are waiting for something - when I would rather just commit. Iím probably a bit old fashioned but I view living together as second best.

    Obviously relationships are hard and it wonít be easy but I donít feel like I am being rushed or rushing myself.

    The world is teaching us we have to live together before you know anybody - but what if you can know somebody well enough to know that it will work because you will make it work.

    We donít live close to each other so can only see each other via 30 minute train journey which is too far. See each other most weekends and talk nearly every day but I would love for us to be able to spend more time together and be a family.

    I also think sometimes people struggling in the world can find each other and be a comfort to each other and think that is a good thing. Itís not all hearts and flower and romance - itís more talking and listening and supporting each other.
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