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  • FIRST POST
    • the_JHD
    • By the_JHD 12th Jan 19, 10:29 AM
    • 22Posts
    • 4Thanks
    the_JHD
    Ex-Wife Debt Issues
    • #1
    • 12th Jan 19, 10:29 AM
    Ex-Wife Debt Issues 12th Jan 19 at 10:29 AM
    My ex-wife has problems with debt. Always taking credit out and not paying after a month or so. It's got to the stage now where she is stealing to cope with debt.

    Bit of a back story, we split and divorced this year after she cheated for the fourth time(I know, I know). I have custody of the kids and kept the house, she moved in with her partner. Now she doesn't pay anything towards the children, buys clothes now and then, and she still claims the child benefit. Over the course of our marriage I would find she had took money out of the joint account and not paid the bills, leaving me to cover the shortfall. She would pay a percentage of her wages in but would take back out more than that each month so basically paid nothing for over three years. 18 months ago I found she had fraudulently taken two credit cards out in my name which I managed to stop. This is along various other things she did which I won't go in to.

    Which leads us to now, before this Christmas she stole the money I had paid into a Christmas savings for the kids presents, £350, and lied about it until one week before Christmas when she came clean. Out of kindness I allowed her to come over Christmas Day as not to upset the kids. It was during this she took my credit card out of my wallet without my knowledge and withdrew £150 from the cash point. She even offered me £40 of this stolen money to repay some of the Christmas money she stole!

    She has suffered from depression and attempted suicide before so I know she doesn't cope well and lies to hide things. What is clear she has serious problems and stealing off the kids and me is really low. I want to involve the police now as it's causing me so much stress yet I don't want the children upset, is there any help I can direct her in, someone she can talk to? I have to wash my hands of her as she's already dragged me down so much and I have enough debt of my own to sort out, along with being a full time parent.

    Thanks
Page 1
    • David2Prit
    • By David2Prit 12th Jan 19, 11:34 AM
    • 55 Posts
    • 28 Thanks
    David2Prit
    • #2
    • 12th Jan 19, 11:34 AM
    • #2
    • 12th Jan 19, 11:34 AM
    If you want an honest opinion I would get in contact with the police.
    It maybe the shock that she really needs to help sort herself out in the long run.

    Obviously it is much more difficult as you have children together, but I think in the longer run, it maybe better to go with your initial gut instinct.
    You can direct her towards the help, but ultimately it is up to her to accept that help, which by sounds of it, she isn't willing to do at the present moment.
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 12th Jan 19, 12:26 PM
    • 30,230 Posts
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    Mojisola
    • #3
    • 12th Jan 19, 12:26 PM
    • #3
    • 12th Jan 19, 12:26 PM
    she still claims the child benefit.

    Which leads us to now, before this Christmas she stole the money I had paid into a Christmas savings for the kids presents
    Originally posted by the_JHD
    Why does she have access to your accounts? You don't still have any accounts in joint names, do you?

    If she is claiming the CB and not passing the money on to you or otherwise spending the money on the children, her claim is fraudulent. Insist on changing it.

    Otherwise, I second David2Prit's advice. She's not going to change if things go on as they are.
    • theoretica
    • By theoretica 12th Jan 19, 12:57 PM
    • 5,512 Posts
    • 6,829 Thanks
    theoretica
    • #4
    • 12th Jan 19, 12:57 PM
    • #4
    • 12th Jan 19, 12:57 PM
    To get money from a cashpoint she must have known the pin. Similarly she must have had access to the Christmas savings account. Change absolutely all your pins and passwords and make sure she never has access to any electronic devices that may have saved details or logins.
    But a banker, engaged at enormous expense,
    Had the whole of their cash in his care.
    Lewis Carroll
    • sourcrates
    • By sourcrates 12th Jan 19, 1:01 PM
    • 16,171 Posts
    • 15,292 Thanks
    sourcrates
    • #5
    • 12th Jan 19, 1:01 PM
    • #5
    • 12th Jan 19, 1:01 PM
    I think changing your pin numbers to prevent this happening would of been a good move, and i would certainly do it now, but then who could of predicted something like this.


    Its just a horrible situation all round, and i wish you the best of luck with it all.
    I'm a Board Guide on the Debt-Free Wannabe, Credit File And Ratings, and
    Bankruptcy And Living With It, boards. "I volunteer to help get your forum questions answered and keep the forum running smoothly". I have extensive experience of debt, and itís solutions, as well as the collection industry in general.

    Board guides are not moderators and don't read every post. If you spot an abusive or illegal post then please report it to forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com. Any views are mine and not the official line of MoneySavingExpert.com.

    For free debt advice, contact either : Stepchange, National Debtline, or, CAB.
    • Kim kim
    • By Kim kim 12th Jan 19, 1:06 PM
    • 2,437 Posts
    • 3,652 Thanks
    Kim kim
    • #6
    • 12th Jan 19, 1:06 PM
    • #6
    • 12th Jan 19, 1:06 PM
    Is she on drugs OP? Have you considered this?

    Change your PINs, get the CB paid to you.

    Do the CSA still chase parents?

    Don’t let her have the opportunity to do this again.
    • John G Jones
    • By John G Jones 12th Jan 19, 4:12 PM
    • 93 Posts
    • 153 Thanks
    John G Jones
    • #7
    • 12th Jan 19, 4:12 PM
    • #7
    • 12th Jan 19, 4:12 PM
    As above, change your pins, change your passwords, cancel any missing cards, don’t leave money or valuables in the house, and probably involve the police.
    • determined new ms
    • By determined new ms 12th Jan 19, 7:11 PM
    • 7,135 Posts
    • 42,208 Thanks
    determined new ms
    • #8
    • 12th Jan 19, 7:11 PM
    • #8
    • 12th Jan 19, 7:11 PM
    Is she on drugs OP? Have you considered this?
    Originally posted by Kim kim
    I thought either some types of mental health problems where impulsive behaviours can be symptoms, drugs or gambling.

    Whatever the reason really firm boundaries are needed. Regardless of the relationship with your children I would not have her in my house if I were in your shoes. I would also involve the Police for the theft. The fact is you are going to have this relationship for many years to come so need to manage this. Do not put any trust in her around your things and your money.

    You can stop this, but you have to have very firm boundaries. I had a teenage then adult child that used to steal off of me all the time. The last time they came into my house and stole from me I told them the next time it happened it would be the very last time they stepped over the threshold to my house. I was deadly serious and they knew it, after many years of this being standard I had had it. Never happened again since that day.

    I'm sorry you are going through this. It really sucks
    DF as at 30/12/16
    Wombling 2017 £3016.55/Roadkill £8.73
    Wombling 2018 £145.73/RK £0.04
    • the_JHD
    • By the_JHD 13th Jan 19, 9:01 AM
    • 22 Posts
    • 4 Thanks
    the_JHD
    • #9
    • 13th Jan 19, 9:01 AM
    • #9
    • 13th Jan 19, 9:01 AM
    Thanks for you replies. I've changed all my pin numbers and got a new card, I just never expected her to take it directly from my wallet but looking back it shouldn't have been a shock. She has denied taking the money when confronted so I think the police is the only option now sadly.

    The Christmas Savings, the money was sent on a gift card to the house, she signed for the letter and took it. It was a few months ago when I was happy for her to stay in the house with the kids. She is banned from entering now, full stop.

    She has had, and still has I believe, depression. We've had to go through a lot before she cheated again and we split, counselling, mental health even social services involved as she attempted suicide so all this probably stems from that. That's why the kids live with me as anything over a day with her gets too much
    • enthusiasticsaver
    • By enthusiasticsaver 13th Jan 19, 4:41 PM
    • 7,659 Posts
    • 17,061 Thanks
    enthusiasticsaver
    I agree that she needs a shock to stop this sort of behaviour so report it to the police and do as you have done, change passwords, pins etc and don't allow her in the house.
    Early retired in December 2017

    I'm a Board Guide on the Debt-Free Wannabe, Mortgages and Endowments, Banking and Budgeting boards. I volunteer to help get your forum questions answered and keep the forum running smoothly. Any views are mine and not the official line of moneysavingexpert.com. Pease remember, board guides don't read every post. If you spot an illegal or inappropriate post then please report it to forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com
    • Kitten868
    • By Kitten868 13th Jan 19, 9:47 PM
    • 1,086 Posts
    • 2,659 Thanks
    Kitten868
    So she stole £500 from you over Christmas.

    If you do nothing this will escalate fast. I would contact the police, action fraud and check your credit report. Do not give her any more opportunity or access. And claim the child benefit: that is her robbing her children of their money. Give consequences to her actions. Show her she cannot do this or it will continue and get worse.
    Loan 1 £5400/£8000
    Loan 2 £3400/£5800
    Total £8800/£13800 36% PAID

    And CC £1475/1900
    • gemini12
    • By gemini12 14th Jan 19, 11:58 AM
    • 360 Posts
    • 2,293 Thanks
    gemini12
    I would also change your house locks as from what you have said she still has access to it when you are not there. Of course if the children are (I dont know their ages ) and you arent this will not help but you could get a safe tokeep your financial stuff in.
    Make £10 a day challenge May. 81.40/310
    Total for 2013 £858.85/1060
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