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    • BabzD
    • By BabzD 11th Jan 19, 5:15 PM
    • 3Posts
    • 1Thanks
    • #1
    • 11th Jan 19, 5:15 PM
    Desperate 11th Jan 19 at 5:15 PM
    I donít know if I am posting this on the right place or not but I am desperate and need help 😥
    We havenít seen our son and grandchildren now for over 3 years and it has broken my heart. I took them on a trip when they were left with me for their parents to go away to a wedding, that didnít sit well with our daughter in law and madness ensued 😥
    Our daughter visits regular (she is allowed) and now she says that our son has txt his brother (our youngest) saying that the children are missing him and will he come and see them. He according to our daughter is torn as he doesnít want to upset us.
    Our eldest son (the one we havenít seen for 3 years) sometimes replies to his Dads txts and has told him that he can phone him on his days off (our son works shifts) I feel that the only way that I can prevent all this hurt is to leave home as the only reason that our children and my husband are not allowed to see our son and grandchildren is because if me.
    It hurts as I want us to be a family again but I know that this wonít happen while I am around. If I was out of the equation then everything would be ok
    I have been looking for somewhere to move to but as I earn less than £200 a month a d ha e no savings I have no idea where to go or who to turn to.
    If I leave the council will tell me that I have made myself homeless and they wonít help. I am heartbroken and besides myself. I am so stressed and frustrated and hurt
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    • Primrose
    • By Primrose 13th Jan 19, 10:03 PM
    • 8,552 Posts
    • 30,097 Thanks
    It does sadly sound in this if it's the irresistible force meeting the immovable object and if this situation is ever to be resolved, somebody has to make the first move.

    You have nothing to lose by being the person to take this step as you've apparently already lost your son and grandchildren for the last three years.

    Do you and your husband ever talk about this issue? Would it be possible for the pair of you to make a joint move to try and resolve things?
    • chesky
    • By chesky 14th Jan 19, 12:06 AM
    • 1,118 Posts
    • 1,893 Thanks
    I wonder if the OP is the problem, whether her husband and other children could go visit the grandchildren without her - seems a bit less drastic than her leaving home. They might also be able to start the reconciliation process. If the daughter in law won't even allow this, then her leaving probably won't make any difference anyway.
    • andydownes123
    • By andydownes123 14th Jan 19, 9:37 AM
    • 514 Posts
    • 648 Thanks
    It sounds like it's deeper than the surface issue. I think DIL has used this as an excuse to punish you for something else. Sounds to me as if the trip was the straw that broke the camel's back - was there something brewing before this?

    I've heard of stories like this before. Starts with "please don't take them to McDonalds" and MIL takes them anyway because she doesn't like to be told and likes to spoil them. Ends with the parents having no idea where their kids actually are. Taking them to a wedding and then on a train without actually talking to their parents is asking for at the very least a conversation about notification.
    Last edited by andydownes123; 14-01-2019 at 9:39 AM.
    • pickledonionspaceraider
    • By pickledonionspaceraider 14th Jan 19, 10:55 PM
    • 1,418 Posts
    • 3,700 Thanks
    There is not always more to it, as some are suggesting.

    Some family members just love a bit of drama and fall out over anything trivial and certainly reasons I never understand

    I was brought up in a household where grandparents, aunties , uncles, regularly were disowned for years or decades...for no real reason...Just imaginary stuff like 'She thinks shes better than us' or some other imagined slight

    Not all family estrangements make sense, rhyme or reason - other than some control thing I guess

    If I told you my own mother stopped speaking to me out of the blue, years ago, with no argument leading up to that - the last convo we had was perfectly normal, you would probably never believe that either.

    Nowt as queer as folk and some families are seriously messed up
    Last edited by pickledonionspaceraider; 14-01-2019 at 10:58 PM.
    • olgadapolga
    • By olgadapolga 15th Jan 19, 8:30 AM
    • 897 Posts
    • 1,079 Thanks

    If I told you my own mother stopped speaking to me out of the blue, years ago, with no argument leading up to that - the last convo we had was perfectly normal, you would probably never believe that either.

    Nowt as queer as folk and some families are seriously messed up
    Originally posted by pickledonionspaceraider
    I'd believe you because the same thing happened to my husband. His mother stopped talking to him after his dad died, having first made it perfectly clear that he was not welcome at the funeral. Actually, thinking about it, she was very cruel to him in the weeks leading up to his dad's death as well (not letting my husband visit his dad, despite his terminal illness, that sort of thing). Nasty piece of work, she is (or was, no idea if she's still alive) - just glad that she has no influence on my children.

    Going back to the OP, I can understand why her DIL may have been annoyed about the train trip, especially if it had not been discussed beforehand. Of course, it may have been something else, or a series of minor events. Who knows? Only the DIL.

    My MIL also used to do things that annoyed me about my children. She only ever looked after my daughter once, when she was small. It was a horrible, wet, windy night and she decided to take my almost year-old daughter for a walk up the road to see the neighbour's Christmas lights. Without putting a coat on her. When she should have been in bed. The MIL didn't say anything and I only found out as there was a pile of wet clothes lying around and my daughter was not in bed, despite it being nearly midnight when we got back. I was not at all happy and told her so, with DH's support.

    It certainly did not improve our relationship as she then decided to ignore me totally whenever she came to visit us. So I told DH that he would have to take the children to their house for visits as I didn't want her in my home, if she was going to ignore me. Her husband, who was a very sweet person, used to pop in once a week without her, so that he could see everyone. He knew what his wife was like and he understood why I chose to stay away from her. She is/was pure poison.
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