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  • FIRST POST
    • swingaloo
    • By swingaloo 10th Oct 18, 7:54 PM
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    swingaloo
    Would you like a surprise party?
    • #1
    • 10th Oct 18, 7:54 PM
    Would you like a surprise party? 10th Oct 18 at 7:54 PM
    Ive just found out that 2 of my sisters have planned a party for me.

    I don't want to sound ungrateful but a surprise party is my idea of a nightmare and my family and a lot of my friends know that.

    I was at another sisters and we were discussing arrangements for Christmas. Looking to see what day Xmas day falls on as I haven't given it much thought yet, I lifted the page the page on her kitchen calendar and saw the words '****s party' on the Saturday night which is the day before my birthday. Hoping it was one of her friends and not me that the party was for I just looked at my sister and could tell straight away that it was a party for me.

    She coloured up and said that although she knew that it was not my thing my other 2 sisters had decided that 'I would love it really'.
    I asked her to talk the other 2 out of doing it without letting them know that I have found out. She said she couldn't do that and that she had argued against it in the first place but that things are too far along to be able to cancel it all.

    Apparently the room is booked and paid for, the catering has been arranged, as have balloons and a DJ. A cake has been ordered. Invitations have gone out and she said there are over 100 coming.

    I don't even know 100 people that I would invite to a party myself and when I probed a bit deeper it appears that they have invited 2 of my old school friends, people I used to work with, my old neighbours and even managed to 'find' a child I used to babysit for who is now grown up. Some of them they will have got from my Facebook list of friends but some of them are not people I am in constant touch with, not even on my Christmas card list.

    One of the sisters is a great 'party animal' and loves doing this sort of thing (she will probably use it as an excuse to invite her own friends as well) but they know that I will really hate it and its that which has upset me.

    Ive never liked being the centre of attention, I don't even like having my photograph taken and the thought of having to make a thank you speech would turn my legs to jelly.


    I could understand it if they didn't know how I feel but we have had other parties for family and Ive always said it would be my idea of hell. Im also feeling quite niggly about it as I feel that one sister in particular is putting her 'love of arranging do's' before my feelings. I think the other sister has probably just gone along with it. My husband knew nothing about but I have told him now. He says he would have told them not to do it if he had been consulted (which probably explains why he wasn't) but that I probably don't have much choice other than to grin and bear it.

    Im getting more and more annoyed as I write this as I feel the party is more about her feeling pleased with herself than my feelings. She will be telling everyone how much there was to do etc and taking praise.

    I would much rather be going out for a nice meal with hubby. We haven't arranged anything yet as we were not making a big deal about the birthday. God knows how they are planning on getting me to the venue.

    I feel so mad that I may just have flu that weekend but then I would feel so guilty. I just feel Im being pressured into something that I don't want and the people who have planned it know that.


    Sorry for the rant.
Page 4
    • NeilCr
    • By NeilCr 12th Oct 18, 12:08 PM
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    NeilCr
    It's simply that some people - you call them self-centred - are just not as into social interaction with other people as you are.
    It really doesn't make them self-centred. Just a different personality to you.
    I've spent a lot of time pleasing other people.
    I now do things to please myself (and OH).
    You don't have to like it or agree with it.
    You might refer to me as self-centred. In true self-centred style, I really couldn't give a toss.

    Funnily enough, quite a lot of other posters have expressed the same opinion as me on this thread subject.
    Originally posted by Pollycat
    And, I think there is a difference between not being into social interaction and being self centred.

    I do things to please myself and my partner first (as I am sure most do). As one gets older that becomes more the norm.

    On occasions, though, we both see a situation where by acting differently that we would want to we are helping out someone else - so we do it.

    for the don't give a toss. Like it!
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 12th Oct 18, 12:12 PM
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    Pollycat
    And, I think there is a difference between not being into social interaction and being self centred.

    I do things to please myself and my partner first (as I am sure most do). As one gets older that becomes more the norm.

    On occasions, though, we both see a situation where by acting differently that we would want to we are helping out someone else - so we do it.

    for the don't give a toss. Like it!
    Originally posted by NeilCr
    And I'd probably do the same.
    But for me, that definitely wouldn't extend to attending a surprise party organised by siblings who knew beyond doubt that I would hate it.
    • UKTigerlily
    • By UKTigerlily 12th Oct 18, 2:31 PM
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    UKTigerlily
    I think I am the only one, but I would love a surprise party.

    A get together and fun evening, where I didn't have to do anything? OOOO yes

    I think your sisters did it with love, OP. You never know, you may enjoy it

    Im genuinely surprised there are a lot of people who would be offended in some way by this

    Not to mention the amount of time, effort and money, something like this costs - and none of it at your expense OP. I dont see how any of this reflects badly on your sisters whatsoever if i'm honest. It is really hard work organising a suprise party - we did one one year for our mum, who enjoyed it massively, she was the last person dancing
    Originally posted by pickledonionspaceraider



    So, if you have a really bad fear of spiders, and everyone knows, and someone arranges one of those pet parties where you have to handle everything, including tarantulas, you'd be thrilled & raring to go? Ohh kay



    Not everyone likes the same thing, for some, abseiling would be heaven and for others hell, for some, myself included, a suprise party'd be hell


    If you KNOW someone you care about would hate something, you don't put them through it, no excuses. It's the thought that counts, and here there was NO thought
    • pickledonionspaceraider
    • By pickledonionspaceraider 12th Oct 18, 3:47 PM
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    pickledonionspaceraider
    So, if you have a really bad fear of spiders, and everyone knows, and someone arranges one of those pet parties where you have to handle everything, including tarantulas, you'd be thrilled & raring to go? Ohh kay



    Not everyone likes the same thing, for some, abseiling would be heaven and for others hell, for some, myself included, a suprise party'd be hell


    If you KNOW someone you care about would hate something, you don't put them through it, no excuses. It's the thought that counts, and here there was NO thought
    Originally posted by UKTigerlily

    You have responded as if you are responding to a different post?


    Throwing similes out that aren't similar...and ....There's no comparison to not liking parties and having a phobia


    I like parties and you don't
    Not really worth getting your knickers in a twist over....


    Not really sure why you state the obvious either ''Not everyone likes the same thing'' not a SINGLE person has said that everyone does like the same thing...but slow hand clap
    Last edited by pickledonionspaceraider; 12-10-2018 at 3:54 PM.
    • GaleSF63
    • By GaleSF63 12th Oct 18, 7:09 PM
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    GaleSF63
    I think I am the only one, but I would love a surprise party.

    A get together and fun evening, where I didn't have to do anything? OOOO yes

    I think your sisters did it with love, OP. You never know, you may enjoy it

    Im genuinely surprised there are a lot of people who would be offended in some way by this

    Not to mention the amount of time, effort and money, something like this costs - and none of it at your expense OP. I dont see how any of this reflects badly on your sisters whatsoever if i'm honest. It is really hard work organising a suprise party - we did one one year for our mum, who enjoyed it massively, she was the last person dancing
    Originally posted by pickledonionspaceraider
    Yes lots of people love surprise parties but this is about someone who doesn't and the sisters arranging it are well aware of this.

    Some people seem to be totally unable to understand, or even just accept, that there is any point of view but their own.
    • pickledonionspaceraider
    • By pickledonionspaceraider 12th Oct 18, 7:39 PM
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    pickledonionspaceraider
    I can only apologise profusely for saying I would enjoy a party and that it would be fun.

    I was responding to the title of the thread. Obviously that makes me a horrendous person

    What a disgusting human being I am for not rolling with the popular opinion

    Flame away. Obviously I am a wrong un.

    Sorry all.
    • NeilCr
    • By NeilCr 13th Oct 18, 4:42 AM
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    NeilCr
    But for me, that definitely wouldn't extend to attending a surprise party organised by siblings who knew beyond doubt that I would hate it.
    Originally posted by Pollycat
    Nor would I - just for those siblings. But, in this instance, I would attend because of the situation Sister3 is in and for the others who had been invited.

    And, after all, this is now not a surprise party. I wouldn't be able to turn round and walk out of an actual surprise party - unlike my friend mentioned earlier who would.
    Last edited by NeilCr; 13-10-2018 at 4:53 AM.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 13th Oct 18, 5:12 AM
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    Pollycat
    Nor would I - just for those siblings. But, in this instance, I would attend because of the situation Sister3 is in and for the others who had been invited.

    And, after all, this is now not a surprise party. I wouldn't be able to turn round and walk out of an actual surprise party - unlike my friend mentioned earlier who would.
    Originally posted by NeilCr
    Well, you see, if I'd been sister 3, I wouldn't not have gone along with this silly, unwanted surprise party idea in the first place.
    I would have refused to pay any money towards it and would have said that I would tell the other sister of these stupid plans.
    So, I'm struggling to find much sympathy for sister 3 as she could really have nipped this in the bud.

    The OP is going to have to pretend it's still a surprise party though.

    I know someone who organised a surprise party for someone and they refused point blank to go into the function room (it was in a pub).
    Very awkward all round - which is probably why I'm so 'vehemently' against it.
    • NeilCr
    • By NeilCr 13th Oct 18, 7:19 AM
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    NeilCr

    The OP is going to have to pretend it's still a surprise party though.

    I know someone who organised a surprise party for someone and they refused point blank to go into the function room (it was in a pub).
    Very awkward all round - which is probably why I'm so 'vehemently' against it.
    Originally posted by Pollycat
    She does have advance notice, though, and could find a way out if she wanted to

    Yes. My mate would be that person refusing to go into the room. He was 50 this year and his partner knew very well not to organise anything.

    Totally agree that it is very awkward. While I, genuinely, feel for the OP in this situation it is one of the more "interesting" dilemmas we have had on this board. I'd go, in a way, because of the all round awkwardness but I can see some of the reasons people wouldn't.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 13th Oct 18, 7:41 AM
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    Pollycat
    She does have advance notice, though, and could find a way out if she wanted to

    Yes. My mate would be that person refusing to go into the room. He was 50 this year and his partner knew very well not to organise anything.

    Totally agree that it is very awkward. While I, genuinely, feel for the OP in this situation it is one of the more "interesting" dilemmas we have had on this board. I'd go, in a way, because of the all round awkwardness but I can see some of the reasons people wouldn't.
    Originally posted by NeilCr
    I'd guess that the OP partly has decided to go because of the amount of money all 3 sisters have chucked at this fiasco.
    I think the OP may have said the sisters could have paid for her and her OH to go away for the weekend with what they've spent.
    What an absolutely silly waste of money.

    Lovely, thoughtful idea for some people.
    Sadly, so, so wrong for the OP.
    • jackieblack
    • By jackieblack 13th Oct 18, 7:46 AM
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    jackieblack
    She does have advance notice, though, and could find a way out if she wanted to

    Yes. My mate would be that person refusing to go into the room. He was 50 this year and his partner knew very well not to organise anything.

    Totally agree that it is very awkward. While I, genuinely, feel for the OP in this situation it is one of the more "interesting" dilemmas we have had on this board. I'd go, in a way, because of the all round awkwardness but I can see some of the reasons people wouldn't.
    Originally posted by NeilCr
    I agree with all of this, except for the last sentence. I wouldn't go.
    I have experience of well meaning family and friends imposing their ideas of what they would like onto me, despite knowing my feelings on the subject. But no, they think they know better and because it is what they would like they can't believe anyone else wouldn't.
    Last edited by jackieblack; 13-10-2018 at 7:49 AM.
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    • annandale
    • By annandale 13th Oct 18, 11:39 AM
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    annandale
    I would go. And I am not a party person either. 100 people are making the effort to travel to this and I bet some people will have longer travels than you are making.

    You don't have to make a thank you speech. Don't go and you will always be known as the person who didn't turn up to a party people made effort to organise for you, you will come off looking far worse in people's eyes than the people who organised this for you.

    You might not deserve a backlash, but Id think you would probably get one. I would be cheesed off if I traveled a long way to go to a party for someone and they didn't bother turning up.
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 13th Oct 18, 11:40 AM
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    Mojisola
    I would go. And I am not a party person either. 100 people are making the effort to travel to this and I bet some people will have longer travels than you are making.

    You don't have to make a thank you speech. Don't go and you will always be known as the person who didn't turn up to a party people made effort to organise for you, you will come off looking far worse in people's eyes than the people who organised this for you.

    You might not deserve a backlash, but Id think you would probably get one. I would be cheesed off if I traveled a long way to go to a party for someone and they didn't bother turning up.
    Originally posted by annandale
    There is plenty of time to cancel the whole thing - no-one has to travel to it.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 13th Oct 18, 12:00 PM
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    Pollycat
    There is plenty of time to cancel the whole thing - no-one has to travel to it.
    Originally posted by Mojisola
    Absolutely.
    It's not a done deal.
    But sadly, the 2 sisters seem to have backed the OP into corner so she's thinking about having to go (as opposed to going).
    Why are some people so arrogant that they think they know you better than you know yourself?
    • jackieblack
    • By jackieblack 13th Oct 18, 12:02 PM
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    jackieblack
    You might not deserve a backlash, but Id think you would probably get one. I would be cheesed off if I traveled a long way to go to a party for someone and they didn't bother turning up.
    Originally posted by annandale
    If I had been invited to a surprise party for someone I knew hated surprise parties, I wouldn't be travelling a long way to go without checking first that it wasn't all going to be a total car crash of an affair that my friend would hate!

    If I didn't know them well enough to know their feelings on surprise parties, then we obviously aren't really friends, just acquaintances, so I wouldn't go anyway, let alone travel a long way to do so.
    But then any party, surprise or not, is my idea of hell!
    Last edited by jackieblack; 13-10-2018 at 12:08 PM.
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    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 13th Oct 18, 12:05 PM
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    Mojisola
    100 people are making the effort to travel to this and I bet some people will have longer travels than you are making.

    I would be cheesed off if I traveled a long way to go to a party for someone and they didn't bother turning up.
    Originally posted by annandale
    The two sisters who organised the do obviously don't care about this - they can't know for sure that swingaloo is actually going to be around on the day - it wouldn't be that unusual for the couple to be going away as birthday celebration or that her husband hadn't booked a dinner at a smart restaurant or had tickets for a show.
    • NeilCr
    • By NeilCr 13th Oct 18, 12:14 PM
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    NeilCr
    If I had been invited to a surprise party for someone I knew hated surprise parties, I wouldn't be travelling a long way to go without checking first that it wasn't all going to be a total car crash of an affair that my friend would hate!

    If I didn't know them well enough to know their feelings on surprise parties, I wouldn't go in the first place, let alone travel a long way to do so.
    Originally posted by jackieblack
    Don't disagree. Although checking on the chances of a surprise party going ahead may be a challenge.

    But the OP did say that there were over 100 people coming and they included some she hasn't seen for quite a while. These folks may not know her feelings on parties and be looking forward to seeing an old friend. I've just met up with two ladies who I used to work with many years ago who I haven't seen for ages. It was delightful but I have no idea on their thoughts on surprise parties (should one of their partners ask me to one).

    And, yes, folks who think they know better than you are a royal pain in the butt. I have a friend or two like that. Tend to keep them at arm's length!
    Last edited by NeilCr; 13-10-2018 at 12:26 PM.
    • MysteryMe
    • By MysteryMe 14th Oct 18, 5:26 PM
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    MysteryMe
    Thank you for the replies. An assorted set of responses but I need that. It is a 'round number' birthday but Ive had those before and they have passed without any fuss.


    I thought about it non stop, Im not being precious (thanks to the poster who said 'I should get over myself') and really the more I think about it I feel that the party is more for them, one in particular, than for me.


    My sister is very assertive and the type of person who if you said you didn't like a particular colour or song she would say 'Oh you must do, what is wrong with you'. Very much wants to impose her choices on others and seems blind to anyone saying anything negative about her choices.


    I cant see any other way forward but to go along with it. If I went away then I would feel so guilty especially because of sister 3 as I know she has contributed to the cost and she is not exactly well off. Again, she would have been put on the spot about contributing and it will be enough for her managing Christmas. The party is the last weekend in November.

    Im not going to give it away that I know because of her but I am going to drop into the conversation over the weekend that I think hubby has booked us a weekend away. Of course they will probably ring hubby to check and he said he will play along with me and say he is planning to book somewhere so they will have to tell him what they have planned.


    Its a bit petty to do that but at the moment Im feeling so annoyed that they have done this. Sister 3 said to me today that for what it has cost them all they could have sent me for a weekend away and that she had suggested they do that instead but that idea had been poo-poo'd by the others.

    I don't want a family row so I don't really have a choice but to go along with it.

    I will buy them both something I don't think they will like for Christmas, lol.
    Originally posted by swingaloo
    I think you've taken a pragmatic approach to this. I can't stand parties either but as someone else said, it's often the things I've not looked forward to that I've enjoyed the most. I don't think the best way to put a fire out is to pour petrol on it, there are some things I would make a stand over, a party is not one of them. Go along with it and have a quiet laugh to yourself Christmas Day thinking about the sisters opening their presents.
    • POPPYOSCAR
    • By POPPYOSCAR 14th Oct 18, 5:59 PM
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    POPPYOSCAR
    I would rather pull my teeth out than go to a surprise party organised for me.

    I cannot believe the arrogance of them to organise this without at the very least consulting with your husband.

    By attending it is my view their controlling behaviour is being enabled and they will learn nothing from this.
    • NeilCr
    • By NeilCr 14th Oct 18, 7:07 PM
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    NeilCr
    I would rather pull my teeth out than go to a surprise party organised for me.

    I cannot believe the arrogance of them to organise this without at the very least consulting with your husband.

    By attending it is my view their controlling behaviour is being enabled and they will learn nothing from this.
    Originally posted by POPPYOSCAR
    Well you can do something about the controlling behaviour

    In this case, taking account of all those OP knows are attending, I'd put on my game face, turn up and make sure (as best as I could) everyone had a good time

    A short while after I'd sit Sisters 1 and 2 down. Tell them that I appreciate that they organised it despite knowing I hated surprise parties and that, even though I didn't want to be there I'd "gone along with it" to ensure the evening worked. And, if they ever did that again, I'd turn round and walk right out of the surprise party (and I would)
    Last edited by NeilCr; 14-10-2018 at 7:16 PM.
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