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  • FIRST POST
    • edmond
    • By edmond 5th Oct 18, 2:05 PM
    • 284Posts
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    edmond
    Does my ex need to know where I live when I have my daughter?
    • #1
    • 5th Oct 18, 2:05 PM
    Does my ex need to know where I live when I have my daughter? 5th Oct 18 at 2:05 PM
    Following on from my post referring to a court order. My ex will not allow me to see my daughter based on the fact I will not tell her my new address.
    I have been at this address for 8 months and my daughter has stayed with me every other weekend until about 4 weeks ago. Now all of a sudden it is an issue.
    She has been using the fact I wonít give her the address as a reason for her not to let me see my daughter.
    The main reason I donít give her the address is because I do not trust her.
    I pick up and drop off, she has my contact number.
    As her biological father do I need to give my ex the address.
Page 3
    • cjdavies
    • By cjdavies 6th Oct 18, 4:27 PM
    • 3,585 Posts
    • 3,909 Thanks
    cjdavies
    Denying a parent the basic comfort of knowing their child's whereabouts is a horrible form of control.

    You need really GOOD reasons and yours are not exactly convincing.

    To be honest, you sound more like the one playing control games from the story so far.

    Whether you legally have to disclose shouldn't come into it really.
    Originally posted by warby68
    Denying a child to see their Father and using child as a weapon is much worse.
    • pickledonionspaceraider
    • By pickledonionspaceraider 6th Oct 18, 4:34 PM
    • 1,264 Posts
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    pickledonionspaceraider
    Denying a child to see their Father and using child as a weapon is much worse.
    Originally posted by cjdavies
    If all he need to do is provide his address - considering no real factual evidence that this ex is a psycho?

    He is using his address is a weapon. and then feigning victim
    • elsien
    • By elsien 6th Oct 18, 4:53 PM
    • 17,411 Posts
    • 43,913 Thanks
    elsien
    No he isn't.
    He's saying that while the child is in his care, he is the responsible parent and it's up to him where they are and where they go. He doesn't need permission or consent from the other parent for that.
    It's all a big tit for tat, which is silly. But if it's due to concern about the other parent wanting more say over what happens when the child is with him, I can see why he'd want to draw a line at some point. Although I think he's picked the wrong way of doing it.
    Last edited by elsien; 06-10-2018 at 4:57 PM.
    All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.

    Pedant alert - it's could have, not could of.
    • badmemory
    • By badmemory 7th Oct 18, 1:54 AM
    • 2,134 Posts
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    badmemory
    Her changing her mind about his access, when she had no address for him, did not just come out of the blue, & was not an act of vindictiveness. It happened because the child was injured on his watch & he didn't do her the courtesy of telling her about it.


    This is not a controlling act, this is the act of a mother who is worried about her child.
    • duchy
    • By duchy 7th Oct 18, 2:49 AM
    • 18,044 Posts
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    duchy
    But he isn't a responsible parent. The child got hurt whilst in his care and he didn't tell the other parent about it. If the child had taken ill , the doctors wouldn't have had a full account of the child's health as the mother didn't know . If a school or nursery did this , parents would rightly be up in arms about it. Absolutely irresponsible behaviour .

    No he isn't.
    He's saying that while the child is in his care, he is the responsible parent and it's up to him where they are and where they go. He doesn't need permission or consent from the other parent for that.
    It's all a big tit for tat, which is silly. But if it's due to concern about the other parent wanting more say over what happens when the child is with him, I can see why he'd want to draw a line at some point. Although I think he's picked the wrong way of doing it.
    Originally posted by elsien
    I Would Rather Climb A Mountain Than Crawl Into A Hole

    MSE Florida wedding .....no problem
    • cjdavies
    • By cjdavies 7th Oct 18, 8:28 AM
    • 3,585 Posts
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    cjdavies
    But he isn't a responsible parent. The child got hurt whilst in his care.
    Originally posted by duchy
    That means that no parent is responsible as children get hurt all the time?
    • badmemory
    • By badmemory 7th Oct 18, 9:43 AM
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    badmemory
    It isn't that the child got hurt, of course children get hurt all the time, it's in their job description, it is that he didn't tell her.
    • cjdavies
    • By cjdavies 7th Oct 18, 9:47 AM
    • 3,585 Posts
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    cjdavies
    It isn't that the child got hurt, of course children get hurt all the time, it's in their job description, it is that he didn't tell her.
    Originally posted by badmemory
    Like when she didn't say she introduced a new bloke to the child's life?
    • scd3scd4
    • By scd3scd4 7th Oct 18, 9:56 AM
    • 949 Posts
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    scd3scd4
    Tell her or go to court. What else is there?


    That said the child probably will in the near future anyway. Unless you are going to tell her not to tell mummy where you live.


    Out of interest. She moves, wont tell you where and you have to pick them up and drop off outside Asda, that ok?
    • ChrisK.....
    • By ChrisK..... 7th Oct 18, 10:09 AM
    • 294 Posts
    • 117 Thanks
    ChrisK.....
    Its reasonable for a parent to know WHERE their child is at any time
    Although its also reasonable for a child to see both parents irrespective of their own differences

    ...
    As her biological father do I need to give my ex the address.
    Originally posted by edmond
    • edmond
    • By edmond 7th Oct 18, 11:14 AM
    • 284 Posts
    • 22 Thanks
    edmond
    It isn't that the child got hurt, of course children get hurt all the time, it's in their job description, it is that he didn't tell her.
    Originally posted by badmemory
    And as stated I admit this was a mistake on my behalf. Doesnít make me irresponsible parent.

    Similar to when I collect my daughter and there are grazes on her knee from where she has fallen over. I donít expect to be to be told of an accident. These things are her age happen.
    • edmond
    • By edmond 7th Oct 18, 11:15 AM
    • 284 Posts
    • 22 Thanks
    edmond
    Tell her or go to court. What else is there?


    That said the child probably will in the near future anyway. Unless you are going to tell her not to tell mummy where you live.


    Out of interest. She moves, wont tell you where and you have to pick them up and drop off outside Asda, that ok?
    Originally posted by scd3scd4
    I would prefer to meet at a mutual destination but this has never been an option. For all three of my children I collect from there house and drop off. Itís time I get to spend with them.
    • calleyw
    • By calleyw 9th Oct 18, 12:04 PM
    • 8,881 Posts
    • 16,127 Thanks
    calleyw
    It isn't that the child got hurt, of course children get hurt all the time, it's in their job description, it is that he didn't tell her.
    Originally posted by badmemory

    So the parent with care should ring up the ex every time the child falls over and hurts themselves to let them know? I am sure every parent with care does that all the time. Very doubtful.



    My ex husband was lucky to get anything information out of his ex about his children. Who he paid for and wanted to see more often but because of me (no I came years after they split) would not allow it.


    And lets be honest if the OP had told his ex, she would held that against him saying that he can't see his daughter as he can't look after her properly and is a bad dad. But its ok if the daughter in her mothers care get a bloody nose. She would never have thought to tell the OP about it. So he was in a no win situation.


    Shame that people can't see to act like adults when they split and have child and stop all the silly games.


    Yours


    Calley X
    Hope for everything and expect nothing!!!

    Good enough is almost always good enough -Prof Barry Schwartz

    If it scares you, it might be a good thing to try -Seth Godin
    • badmemory
    • By badmemory 9th Oct 18, 5:58 PM
    • 2,134 Posts
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    badmemory
    I would have expected him to say at handover (not make a phone call) something along the lines of, our child had a bit of a tumble but I checked her out & she's fine. BUT I would also expect the mother to say when handing her child over something along the lines of she fell yesterday & has a nasty bruise on her arm. This is a 2 way street. They should both communicate. After all if they were still living together wouldn't they tell each other if the child got hurt on their watch? That shouldn't change, the child isn't responsible for its parents living apart. It is unfair to the child to play games with the way it lives its life.
    • calleyw
    • By calleyw 11th Oct 18, 1:22 PM
    • 8,881 Posts
    • 16,127 Thanks
    calleyw
    I would have expected him to say at handover (not make a phone call) something along the lines of, our child had a bit of a tumble but I checked her out & she's fine. BUT I would also expect the mother to say when handing her child over something along the lines of she fell yesterday & has a nasty bruise on her arm. This is a 2 way street. They should both communicate. After all if they were still living together wouldn't they tell each other if the child got hurt on their watch? That shouldn't change, the child isn't responsible for its parents living apart. It is unfair to the child to play games with the way it lives its life.
    Originally posted by badmemory

    And what if you only have access once a month? The PWC is going to remember every fall and tumble and give you a long list of what has happened.


    Back in the real world. It does not happen. And unless it was really serious then I would not expect to know, as children hurt themselves all the time.



    PWC will hold children to ransom over the littlest thing and its normally the dad that are the absent parent so they are the ones that get the kicking over every little thing. No matter what they do.



    If you don't have a good relationship with the other parent. Most of time you want to drop off and get out of there, so you don't get grief. hence why it can easily slip your mind if the child got hurt the day before, so forget to mention it. And if he had text or messaged her at the time. She might have demanded he bring the child straight back ruining the time together.



    One time my ex husband went to take his son for a hair cut and he had nits. He was so embarrassed as he did not know and the barber told him. His ex never told him nor the child. That is something he should have been told so not spread it around.



    Its time the family courts started to see that mothers are not always the best to have custody. Even more so when they start to play games about access. A lot of time that stems from jealousy that the father of their child has moved on with his life.


    Most want to spend time with their children but are not allowed to because of petty jealousy by the ex. If there is violence or abuse then I get that. But other wise nope. For a lot of men they may not love there ex and left but they never stop loving or wanted to leave there children.


    Yours


    Calley X
    Hope for everything and expect nothing!!!

    Good enough is almost always good enough -Prof Barry Schwartz

    If it scares you, it might be a good thing to try -Seth Godin
    • badmemory
    • By badmemory 11th Oct 18, 3:21 PM
    • 2,134 Posts
    • 3,013 Thanks
    badmemory


    Its time the family courts started to see that mothers are not always the best to have custody.
    Originally posted by calleyw

    I couldn't agree more. I fully expected my ex to go for custody & I would have agreed as he was more his son than mine, right from day one. When he eventually admitted to his affair, he told me he needed a woman in his life because his son would need a mother. The new woman said no way, I can't have any & I don't want someone elses. So he hasn't seen his son since - almost 30 years.


    His paternal grandfather used to see him - I did a 400+ mile round trip in a day to ensure he could. I didn't stay to allow them some one on one time. That stopped when he moved house to be near his son & my ex asked me to stop contacting the grandfather as he no longer wanted to see him. That is my one regret that I took the ex's word for it. I suspect that his grandfather died believing that his grandson didn't want to see him.


    Now for the really interesting titbit. Some time after he died (it was still there at the time he died) the family tree he had online with wives 1 & 2 & a grandson, suddenly became just the one wife.


    It isn't always the ex who is jealous & unpleasant.
    • AnotherJoe
    • By AnotherJoe 13th Oct 18, 10:26 AM
    • 11,063 Posts
    • 12,745 Thanks
    AnotherJoe
    Only one person has raised this,but it makes everything else so much waffle, practically speaking this is an impossibility, because the daughter will know the address soon enough.

    Suppose you had a massive (and v expensive) court battle, and won*, result = agreed, you dont have to tell mum the address.
    Next time daughter goes back to mum (shes aged five or six by now) she tells her anyway.
    Utterly pointless.


    * unlikely because a judge will surely point out the impracticality of this as well.
    Please dont criticise my spelling. It's excellent. Its my typing that's bad.
    • Grezz24
    • By Grezz24 15th Oct 18, 1:36 PM
    • 179 Posts
    • 210 Thanks
    Grezz24
    If i was ever in a situation where i couldnt see my Son due to a breakup, i would do whatever it took to see him, including giving my new prospective address which i dont see as an unreasonable ask.

    Reverse the situation, if your ex moved wouldnt you want to know where she lived?

    As a father you should overcome these small slights to see your child, you wont get any of this wasted time back and you're the one missing out on seeing your child grow up.

    whats the worst that can happen, your ex turns up and starts acting erratic - call the police
    you get threatening post - call the police
    • Red-Squirrel
    • By Red-Squirrel 15th Oct 18, 8:58 PM
    • 3,467 Posts
    • 9,306 Thanks
    Red-Squirrel
    Are you planning to try and keep you address secret from your daughter too?

    Not very safe, kids should be able to tell someone their parent's address and phone number in case of an emergency, shouldn't they?
    Originally posted by Red-Squirrel
    child learns how to read and tells their Mum the street name that they see pass in the car and the door number on the house. My own daughter was an early reader at 4-5 years old, so unless you live at a complicated address name or can design a route where child never sees the road signs, this will happen. Older step siblings may also tell child the address, there's also the chance if you don't live too far away that child will remember a route and be able to describe which house is yours.

    What were your plans for keeping your address secret for years?
    Originally posted by Spendless

    but IMO any attempt at keeping the address secret is going to be short lived and barely worth the dramatics
    Originally posted by pickledonionspaceraider

    If you want to see your child and refuse your address, then the only way is to hope by going through the courts they agree you can keep it secret (still won't stop the child growing up and being able to tell Mum though)
    Originally posted by Spendless
    That said the child probably will in the near future anyway. Unless you are going to tell her not to tell mummy where you live.
    Originally posted by scd3scd4
    ]Only one person[/B] has raised this,but it makes everything else so much waffle, practically speaking this is an impossibility, because the daughter will know the address soon enough.
    by AnotherJoe;74910774[B
    I count at least five...
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