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    • vconfusedv4
    • By vconfusedv4 14th Sep 18, 2:14 PM
    • 6Posts
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    vconfusedv4
    Husband had an emotional affair and donít know what to do
    • #1
    • 14th Sep 18, 2:14 PM
    Husband had an emotional affair and donít know what to do 14th Sep 18 at 2:14 PM
    Hi, Iím new to this and donít really know where to start.
    6 months after my husband and I got married he confessed to downloading an app to talk to gay men about sexual things this was about two years before getting married. He assured me then that he wasnít gay he was just curious. We both have gay friends and he said he just want to know.
    This was around the time I was about to go through IVF I was contemplating not starting but I believed him so forgave him.

    IVF worked first time and our baby is now 3 months old and he has now said he didnít know who he was and thought he might be gay when downloading the app he even sent a photo of himself. He said he deleted the app after he sent the photo because it wasnít for him.

    We had already been together for 4 years when he did this so Iím so confused why he did this when I thought our relationship was great. He says heís not gay but I donít believe him I canít even look at him without thinking if he has done anything with a guy.

    He obviously wasnít happy with me and then decided to stay with me as I know he is highly embarrassed of what he has done. There is a part of me that thinks he is gay and is not telling me the truth because his family would be extremely upset and not know how to take it if he came out

    I am just wanting advise really or if someone has been in the same situation what they ended up doing.
    Iím so heartbroken and just donít know how to deal with this.

    Thanks for reading and hopefully I can get some advise off people to help me through this.
Page 1
    • spadoosh
    • By spadoosh 14th Sep 18, 2:20 PM
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    spadoosh
    • #2
    • 14th Sep 18, 2:20 PM
    • #2
    • 14th Sep 18, 2:20 PM
    Your timelines are a bit confusing.

    Am i right in thinking your husband told you about this some 12+ months ago? If so how did you deal with it at the time?
    Don't be angry!
    • vconfusedv4
    • By vconfusedv4 14th Sep 18, 2:28 PM
    • 6 Posts
    • 2 Thanks
    vconfusedv4
    • #3
    • 14th Sep 18, 2:28 PM
    • #3
    • 14th Sep 18, 2:28 PM
    Sorry, Yes he told me July last year that he downloaded the app he said he was just curious as we have gay friends so I believed him I told him he would have never gone behind my back and he promised he told me everything and would never lie again.

    Things went back to normal until last night when he broke down and said he thought he might have been gay and that’s why he downloaded the app and sent a photo.
    But I still don’t believe he’s telling me the whole story but he has promised yet again that he’s now told me everything.
    I just can’t trust him but I still love him and we have a 3 month old daughter.

    I just don’t know what to do, I’m terrified if I stay with him later on he will decide that he doesn’t want us and that he is in fact gay but then I’m terrified to leave.
    • -taff
    • By -taff 14th Sep 18, 2:33 PM
    • 7,757 Posts
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    -taff
    • #4
    • 14th Sep 18, 2:33 PM
    • #4
    • 14th Sep 18, 2:33 PM
    It doesn't sound good for him to be breaking down about this a year later...
    If he is or he isn't gay he's still messing you around with decisions that he's going to have to make sooner or later but messing you about in the meantime.
    He didn't have an emotional affair going by what you've written, he sexually flirted with some gay men.
    Decide wehther or not you can put up with this or if it's likely to come and bite you on the bum again....
    • Comms69
    • By Comms69 14th Sep 18, 2:38 PM
    • 4,413 Posts
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    Comms69
    • #5
    • 14th Sep 18, 2:38 PM
    • #5
    • 14th Sep 18, 2:38 PM
    Sorry, Yes he told me July last year that he downloaded the app he said he was just curious as we have gay friends so I believed him I told him he would have never gone behind my back and he promised he told me everything and would never lie again.

    Things went back to normal until last night when he broke down and said he thought he might have been gay and thatís why he downloaded the app and sent a photo.
    But I still donít believe heís telling me the whole story but he has promised yet again that heís now told me everything.
    I just canít trust him but I still love him and we have a 3 month old daughter.

    I just donít know what to do, Iím terrified if I stay with him later on he will decide that he doesnít want us and that he is in fact gay but then Iím terrified to leave.
    Originally posted by vconfusedv4


    This seems to be an issue of when rather than if. If you're terrified he'll leave, does it really matter if it's now or in 10 years time?


    The alternative is the same result.


    What about counselling?
    • vconfusedv4
    • By vconfusedv4 14th Sep 18, 3:34 PM
    • 6 Posts
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    vconfusedv4
    • #6
    • 14th Sep 18, 3:34 PM
    • #6
    • 14th Sep 18, 3:34 PM
    He asked if we could go but if he can lie to me and break promises he could quite easily in counciling so I don’t know if it would jut be a waste of money?
    I either need to leave or stay and potentially be miserable because I still love him but I jut don’t know what to do I’m devastated.
    • Comms69
    • By Comms69 14th Sep 18, 3:43 PM
    • 4,413 Posts
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    Comms69
    • #7
    • 14th Sep 18, 3:43 PM
    • #7
    • 14th Sep 18, 3:43 PM
    He asked if we could go but if he can lie to me and break promises he could quite easily in counciling so I donít know if it would jut be a waste of money?
    I either need to leave or stay and potentially be miserable because I still love him but I jut donít know what to do Iím devastated.
    Originally posted by vconfusedv4


    It seems he's lying because he's afraid of:


    a: hurting you
    b: if he is gay, coming out is hard
    c: there's your child to consider
    d: he's embarrassed
    e: you're judging him


    I suspect, and don't take this the wrong way, that emotionally you are dictating what he says. It's a perfectly normal reaction and you shouldn't be alarmed by that, but identify it. Counselling helps because the space is created to be honest.


    Recently I said: It's a shame as people, we are honest least, with those we loved most. And this is absolutely an example of that.


    I will just add, your reason - a waste of money - is really not a very good one. Money comes and goes throughout your life. Every drink, every expensive meal, every consumable is a waste of money. Is your marriage in that category?


    Counselling may not solve your marriage, and I suspect the real reason is that counselling might end it and that is what scares you. If it's destined to end, and some relationships are irreparable. Would it not be better to do so mutually, with respect and care for each other and your child.
    • vconfusedv4
    • By vconfusedv4 14th Sep 18, 4:00 PM
    • 6 Posts
    • 2 Thanks
    vconfusedv4
    • #8
    • 14th Sep 18, 4:00 PM
    • #8
    • 14th Sep 18, 4:00 PM
    Thanks, I will have a look into counciling, I just need to know the truth. Thanks for your help.
    • Sunny Intervals
    • By Sunny Intervals 14th Sep 18, 4:05 PM
    • 205 Posts
    • 651 Thanks
    Sunny Intervals
    • #9
    • 14th Sep 18, 4:05 PM
    • #9
    • 14th Sep 18, 4:05 PM
    He asked if we could go but if he can lie to me and break promises he could quite easily in counciling so I donít know if it would jut be a waste of money?
    I either need to leave or stay and potentially be miserable because I still love him but I jut donít know what to do Iím devastated.
    Originally posted by vconfusedv4

    What's the alternative, though? Continue to seethe and worry and not move forward?


    Sexuality can be a confusing and frightening thing. He might be gay, he might be bi, he might just have a bit of a kink, but it can be scary trying to work out what the heck's going on, so I'm not surprised he's being secretive and getting upset.


    I agree with Comms that counselling should be the next step--individually for him and as a couple.
    • spadoosh
    • By spadoosh 14th Sep 18, 4:13 PM
    • 5,501 Posts
    • 7,486 Thanks
    spadoosh
    It seems he's lying because he's afraid of:


    a: hurting you
    b: if he is gay, coming out is hard
    c: there's your child to consider
    d: he's embarrassed
    e: you're judging him


    I suspect, and don't take this the wrong way, that emotionally you are dictating what he says. It's a perfectly normal reaction and you shouldn't be alarmed by that, but identify it. Counselling helps because the space is created to be honest.


    Recently I said: It's a shame as people, we are honest least, with those we loved most. And this is absolutely an example of that.


    I will just add, your reason - a waste of money - is really not a very good one. Money comes and goes throughout your life. Every drink, every expensive meal, every consumable is a waste of money. Is your marriage in that category?


    Counselling may not solve your marriage, and I suspect the real reason is that counselling might end it and that is what scares you. If it's destined to end, and some relationships are irreparable. Would it not be better to do so mutually, with respect and care for each other and your child.
    Originally posted by Comms69
    What an amazing reply, a thanks didnt seem enough!
    Don't be angry!
    • vconfusedv4
    • By vconfusedv4 14th Sep 18, 4:22 PM
    • 6 Posts
    • 2 Thanks
    vconfusedv4
    Thanks, I know it must be hard a but I told him last night he needs to think about what he wants first and needs to get his head around everything he said he doesnít need to think about but hopefully counciling will help him.
    • vconfusedv4
    • By vconfusedv4 14th Sep 18, 4:24 PM
    • 6 Posts
    • 2 Thanks
    vconfusedv4
    It was a great reply thatís why I said thanks what else am I meant to do?
    I wrote this for advice and am getting great advice that I can think about and take on board.
    • MovingForwards
    • By MovingForwards 14th Sep 18, 7:16 PM
    • 309 Posts
    • 377 Thanks
    MovingForwards
    He might be gay, he might not.
    He might be bi, he might not.

    You cant keep him hetro if he isnt.

    What is common knowledge is it is a hell of a lot harder for guys to work out their sexuality than girls (girls are naturally more huggy/kissy growing up that boys).

    Either give your husband time to discover who he is ie let him look at pictures of guys/ watch gay porn but not act out to try the real thing. Maybe join forums so he can talk it through with other guys in his position. He needs to try and get his head round where his thoughts are.

    If you hold him back he will potentially carry on battling with downloading things, sharing images, looking at porn and possibly even taking a step further and meeting up with guys.

    He will be very unhappy, it will start to affect him mentally as he is clearly torn.

    You are obviously stressing and again I fully understand that too.

    There is so much more I could say but at the moment you are in a difficult place, I understand that.

    There are some gay counselling sites what he can reach out for help. There are sites which you can go for support and guidance.

    Couples counselling may get you talking a bit.

    What I urge you not to do is put pressure on him to be hetro as he is married and has a kid with you. He will resent you. You will grow to resent him as the 'happy perfect family' is what you signed up to by marrying him but potentially not going to get.

    Try and be open minded, hopefully the fact you have 'gay friends' is because you are open and accepting/see they are people regardless, allow your husband to talk about it with you if he wants to. Do not push the subject, do not force him to talk, do not force him to retract anything he said. Do not make him feel guilty or dirty because of what he is thinking.

    None of this is your 'fault', you have not done anything wrong, there is nothing to be ashamed of; the same applies to your husband.

    I know you are panicing, you are worrying your husband will walk out and leave you/your child. It could happen even if he wasnt having the turmoil he is.

    If your husband is gay you will deal with it, life will go on.

    If your husband is bi, you you will deal with it and either stay together and work out what you agree to or move on.

    If your husband is hetro, hopefully your marriage will be stronger than ever because you supported him and helped him.

    So, take a deep breath and see what happens.

    We cannot change who we are.
    • elsien
    • By elsien 14th Sep 18, 7:20 PM
    • 17,124 Posts
    • 43,156 Thanks
    elsien
    What triggered this breakdown last night when he "confessed" to you?

    Did he raise the subject himself out of the blue, or is it a topic you have been going back to since it happened because you've had on on your mind for the last 12 months?
    All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.

    Pedant alert - it's could have, not could of.
    • PasturesNew
    • By PasturesNew 14th Sep 18, 7:21 PM
    • 64,179 Posts
    • 376,688 Thanks
    PasturesNew
    A lot of men think they might be gay and are "curious" (odd thing, but that's fellas for you).

    If he doesn't step out of line again, it's passed....
    • Seanymph
    • By Seanymph 17th Sep 18, 9:24 AM
    • 2,684 Posts
    • 18,058 Thanks
    Seanymph
    Taking the gay part out of the equation - because whilst that obviously is something he is dealing with - how would you feel if your partner of four years had joined a hetero dating site, uploaded pictures, swapped sexual flirtations with women and may or may not have followed that through.

    Then told you he was just 'curious' about what people did.

    Then a year later said he wasn't 'curious', he wanted to connect with people.

    That in and of itself is enough to cause all of the insecurity and confusion you feel - and would cause me to seriously question my husbands commitment to my marriage.

    Add in then that he is 'curious' about something that he is, for whatever personal reason, drawn to but reluctant to admit - and you have a real problem, and I don't think any amount of counselling will help.

    The problem with the same sex site component to your story is that it clouds the issue, 'poor him' fighting his inherent sexuality, finding himself, denying his true self, exploring his real feelings........... and even you are allowing it to cloud what you, quite rightly, feel.

    You have just had a baby with this man - and clearly he chose to father the baby, and do that with you after many years of what you thought was a supportive relationship.

    To find now that he has deceived you and considered sexual relations elsewhere, whether he got as far as physical or not, is bound to give you a jolt.

    You can choose anything you want for you and your joint child, and he will be the dad whatever path he takes - but you also can choose not to spend your future with someone you can't trust, who has confusion and behaves in an uncommitted manner. His issues are not your issues, and whether your partner is straight, gay, or bi, you deserve the same respect and commitment anyone else does.
    • hazyjo
    • By hazyjo 17th Sep 18, 10:05 AM
    • 10,881 Posts
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    hazyjo
    Sounds like he's been testing the water with your reaction to him being gay, and your reaction wasn't what he hoped for. I bet there's secretly a part of him that wanted you to say 'I always suspected, and give you permission to go off and have a gay relationship while still being best buddies with me and a father to our child and I'll of course support you 100%'. Didn't happen, did it. So he's back to square one.


    If he decides he's bisexual, that doesn't give him permission to cheat. My friend's married to a bi man and it doesn't mean he likes men so will end up cheating with a man because she can't 'satisfy him that way'. He's 100% committed to her.


    I think you need to be very brave and say to him 'I can't keep pretending, I think you're gay and if that's the case, then you can't live a lie and I'll try to understand and make our family work, but as a separated couple.' If he jumps at it, he's gay. If not, maybe he's not sure.


    My sister's friend's husband left her for a man. They had kids. It's all fine now, they're all friends and not really a shock in today's society. Was very hard at the time for all concerned.
    2018 wins: Single Malt Whisky; theatre tickets; festival tickets; year of gin(!); shoes
    • hazyjo
    • By hazyjo 17th Sep 18, 12:12 PM
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    hazyjo
    PS not sure where your title comes from - not what I would call 'an emotional affair'. Unless he has been communicating with one man in particular who he claims not to have actually met?
    2018 wins: Single Malt Whisky; theatre tickets; festival tickets; year of gin(!); shoes
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