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  • FIRST POST
    • Beautiful-Moose
    • By Beautiful-Moose 13th Sep 18, 11:26 AM
    • 180Posts
    • 262Thanks
    Beautiful-Moose
    Mama's Boy
    • #1
    • 13th Sep 18, 11:26 AM
    Mama's Boy 13th Sep 18 at 11:26 AM
    Sorry for the rant/essay but I need to get this out of my system.

    I have known throughout our relationship that my partner is a bit of a Mama's Boy. However recently I am finding the whole thing very intrusive at times.

    He rings his parents every day, but he will have the same conversation with both of them in the same call. He has to speak to them both individually. When we are away on holiday the phone calls still happen. Not a day goes by without any form of contact. They know everything we ever do/think about doing. He also goes down once a week for dinner with them regardless of whatever is going on in our lives.

    If his mum rings while we are out doing something or watching a tv programme he will stop whatever it is we are doing to take the call. If I ask him to do something around the house it is always "yea in a minute".

    They organised a family trip away. I couldn't come for the whole duration due to work so I traveled down alone. When I originally made plans with him he said he would come and meet me. On the day I text him when I got there and he wasn't there. When I rang to see where he was he was with his mum and told me to meet them where they were. I told him I had no idea where I was going as I have never been there before and could he not just come to meet me like we had planned. He said he couldn't because it was his mums birthday and were doing stuff so didn't really want to leave her (his dad was with her so she wouldn't have been left totally alone btw) I hung up on him and sat and cried debating if I should just go home. I have honestly never come so close to leaving him. When I did eventually find them he tried to hug me and I just gave him this look and said I would not fight with him now we were around his family but that he knew he was very f-ing lucky. We got on with the rest of the trip but ee have never really spoken about this incident since.

    We can never go away on a holiday or even spend the day together on his birthday as his mum has to see him.

    They never come to our house despite living 30mins away because we are "too far away". She didn't even speak to him for the first two days when we did move out. When she eventually came to see the place and then slagged it off to our faces. She ruined what should have been one of the best/exciting times of our relationship and I will never forgive her for that.

    We are both 31 and meant to be planning a wedding. His parents never even talk about it and when they have they just say "oh you are practically married as it is so no need to do anything big, just go to a registry office and have it". It is like they aren't bothered by it, which is fine in some ways as I don't want them involved.

    Last year we had a bit of a rough few weeks which lead to me saying he needed to grow up and he has in many ways but not when it comes to this. I love him and when it just me and him we are great but before we spend loads of money getting married I do not want to enter a marriage being 2nd fiddle to his parents.

    If you have made it this far, thank you for reading but I have no idea how to even start the conversation with him.....................
    Last edited by Beautiful-Moose; Yesterday at 4:24 PM. Reason: personal info being taken out to better hide myself
Page 5
    • thorsoak
    • By thorsoak 14th Sep 18, 7:22 PM
    • 5,712 Posts
    • 26,265 Thanks
    thorsoak
    I've been away - so although I have been able to read, I have not been able to comment - and so I make this comment several days after the OP started this post - and it is this. I read this self-same story, almost word for word - on an American forum - although read Long Island for Isle of Wight.

    Apologies if someone else has copied the OP post - the dates were similar.
    • Runningfast
    • By Runningfast 14th Sep 18, 9:52 PM
    • 148 Posts
    • 88 Thanks
    Runningfast
    Sunny Intervals:

    Easy,we don't have the full context.

    I just keep thinking back to my ex because some of it sounds familiar though not the parents lol. It is why I'm sitting on a slightly different fence at the moment. It is all about context to me!!
    • Tabbytabitha
    • By Tabbytabitha 15th Sep 18, 12:18 AM
    • 4,062 Posts
    • 6,492 Thanks
    Tabbytabitha
    Is this the same man with whom you have insufficient action in the bedroom?
    • Gavin83
    • By Gavin83 15th Sep 18, 4:45 PM
    • 5,314 Posts
    • 8,704 Thanks
    Gavin83
    Is this the same man with whom you have insufficient action in the bedroom?
    Originally posted by Tabbytabitha
    I would assume so.

    OP, it seems you've posted a few times about your OH's problems, which to be frank aren't really problems on the whole, although they clearly are for you. I feel that asking him to change fundamentally who he is to suit you is wrong. Instead of trying to sculpt him into your perfect partner maybe you either need to accept he has his 'faults' and opinions, and there's nothing wrong with this or he just isn't the person for you, and leave him.

    In his shoes I'd be reconsidering my relationship with you and he might well reach this point in the future if he feels you've pressured him into being someone he's not. Probably better to call it a day now than when you're married with several children and one of you realises you really aren't suited.

    I'll ask you again, what compromises have you made in this relationship?
    • annandale
    • By annandale 15th Sep 18, 6:32 PM
    • 1,122 Posts
    • 2,461 Thanks
    annandale
    You’ve said you will never forgive his mum for the way she behaved when you moved into your home yet you want her to respect you?

    If you can’t deal with him as he is (as I don’t think he will change), move on.

    It’s going to be really tough to get someone who is close to their parents to the point where they speak daily to stop doing that.

    If you aren’t happy. Leave. Find someone who isn’t close to his parents to this extent and who makes you happier.

    Because you’ll be bashing your head off a brick wall trying to resolve this I fear.
    • hollydays
    • By hollydays 15th Sep 18, 10:55 PM
    • 16,364 Posts
    • 12,430 Thanks
    hollydays
    I haven't read the whole thread, but I saw some similarities with a partner I once had.

    The parents taught the kids that ' family' and respect for family is all that matters. Unfortunately that meant they could disrespect other people-fine as long as they didn't disrespect their family.

    When you scratch below the surface there are all sorts of weird family neuroses that seems to centre around anxiety and control.

    They will become clearer and clearer . I'd get out now, or insist on pre marriage counselling.
    On second thoughts, just get out.
    Last edited by hollydays; 15-09-2018 at 11:16 PM.
    • annandale
    • By annandale 15th Sep 18, 11:15 PM
    • 1,122 Posts
    • 2,461 Thanks
    annandale
    You have posted on other threads that you are in debt.

    His parents suggesting you have a registry office wedding sounds very sensible in the circumstances.

    How can you have that amount of debt and save for a wedding at the same time
    • annandale
    • By annandale 16th Sep 18, 12:12 AM
    • 1,122 Posts
    • 2,461 Thanks
    annandale
    My mum used to see her mum most days As my gran was on her own after my grandpa died. My gran lived ten mins walk away. It’s normal for some families to have daily contact.

    My mum had an aggressive cancer a couple of years ago. I am very lucky to still have her. If I want to have a 30 min phone conversation with her daily what harm is that doing anyone?

    You sound like you really don’t like his family.

    I actually think it’s decent that he cares. Some people don’t care about their parents and will phone or see them once a year.

    If you aren’t compatible then split and find someone best suited to you and let him do the same.
    • cjdavies
    • By cjdavies 16th Sep 18, 12:24 AM
    • 3,526 Posts
    • 3,793 Thanks
    cjdavies
    The more I read the more I think:

    1. Repeating myself, but expecting him to drop everything because you are ill.

    2. Need something to do at home.

    Are you not capable of looking after/handling yourself? Many people live alone and manage the above just fine. You sound just as bad.
    • annandale
    • By annandale 16th Sep 18, 10:08 AM
    • 1,122 Posts
    • 2,461 Thanks
    annandale
    Mamas boy. Mummy’s boy. You think it’s weird that his sisters child has a room at their house. You really don’t sound like you like the entire family at all.

    Or him.
    • Loz01
    • By Loz01 16th Sep 18, 11:21 AM
    • 1,638 Posts
    • 3,681 Thanks
    Loz01
    On another occasion I had flu/chest infection but we had organised a pub lunch with his family. He left me ill indoors to go see them for dinner and even had the cheek to suggest I still come along even though I couldn't get out of bed. He felt like he couldn't let them down and threw a strop at me for not coming (it was wetherspoons btw not some exclusive place where we had waited months for a booking) He came home and proceeded to tell me that our nephew was sad I didn't come. I ended up in A&E that night I was that bad.
    Originally posted by Beautiful-Moose
    What the f. Why are you with someone like that? Sounds like an immature idiot behaving like that, throwing a strop at 31??? Sounds like he needs to go away and grow up.
    When your lifestyle requires several deaths a week but you think the people eating plants have a superiority complex...
    • annandale
    • By annandale 16th Sep 18, 11:22 AM
    • 1,122 Posts
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    annandale
    You’ve got nothing good to say about him. Why would you want to marry him. You have slated him all the way through the thread. You don’t like his family either. It sounds like a recipe for disaster.

    Do you think he will be the person you want him to be by your wedding day?
    • annandale
    • By annandale 16th Sep 18, 11:26 AM
    • 1,122 Posts
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    annandale
    See all this he left me ill indoors stuff. People who live alone have to deal with being ill alone.

    I’ve known people crawl out to work very unwell or be at risk of losing jobs (supply teachers).

    Why are you resentful that he met up with his family while you had a chest infection? Do you resent every time he meets up with him and you aren’t there?

    You don’t like being around them. But you don’t like him being with them instead of you.
    • happyandcontented
    • By happyandcontented 16th Sep 18, 11:32 AM
    • 1,398 Posts
    • 2,641 Thanks
    happyandcontented
    If you think about it logically you should now be in the 'honeymoon stage' of your relationship. He should still be showing you how important you are to him. You clearly don't feel that he is. It is unlikely to get better, he will just get more set in his ways and routines with his family. You have to think whether you can cope with this for the next 40 years!

    Some of the things you have detailed obviously have to two sides to them, but whether as readers we think you are either being unreasonably needy, nitpicking or not giving us all sides is not the point. It is your perception of how he meets your needs that is important.

    I think a 'clearing the air, this is a serious stage in our relationship' conversation needs to be had and you need to put your cards on the table. From his reactions, you can decide how to move forward.
    • Red-Squirrel
    • By Red-Squirrel 16th Sep 18, 11:46 AM
    • 3,266 Posts
    • 8,789 Thanks
    Red-Squirrel
    See all this he left me ill indoors stuff. People who live alone have to deal with being ill alone.
    Originally posted by annandale
    She doesn't live alone though.

    One of the benefits of being in a couple is supposed to be that you get help and support from them when you're ill. They aren't supposed to swan out the door when you ask them to pass the paracetamol and say 'you'd have to get it yourself if you'd never met me'!
    • GlasweJen
    • By GlasweJen 16th Sep 18, 12:09 PM
    • 6,649 Posts
    • 12,029 Thanks
    GlasweJen
    I'm married to a mothers boy. It was well hidden prior to the marriage because my in laws lived in the highlands and OH and I lived in the Central belt. It all blew up when we moved up here for husbands career and I felt like I basically stopped existing.

    My husband phones home daily, not on holiday though. He's also got a list of topics that are not to be discussed (that sounds really controlling but it's things most normal men wouldn't tell their mother and only went in once I found out he'd went into the nitty gritty detail of my transvaginal ultrasound when we were getting eggs harvested, like my mother in law doesn't need to know about my tilted cervix thanks).

    He doesn't get to repeat the conversation for his dad, they have speaker phone. If one or the other isn't home then tough.

    On holiday he phones them from the airport to say he's landed safe, then from the hotel to say he's arrived there in one piece then he texts or FaceTimes every other day. We do buy them a gift on holiday and take lots of photos so he can recount it in detail when he gets home (that chat lasts hours).

    My in laws used to just "pop round". Now it's every other Sunday or by invitation. We visit them on a Friday for dinner but we can cancel if something else is on.

    My husband went from modern, domestic man to expecting me to do everything in the house plus my job when we moved up here. He now has rooms that are his and if he wants to pass comments on "my" rooms he can do those tasks too. He's learning how to be an independent person again.

    He has batted out with things like "oh I'd better ask Mum which colour paint she prefers in the hall" but I put a lid on that by FaceTiming my parents and sister and starting a Facebook poll on our hall paint colour. He's now realised that we need to decide the colour and mummy doesn't get the casting vote.

    Overall I'm counting down the days until I can move back to the city and away from his family (we live on an island and they're just round the way) but I'm learning to not accept my husband reverting to toddlerhood in front of my eyes.
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    • annandale
    • By annandale 16th Sep 18, 12:26 PM
    • 1,122 Posts
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    annandale
    That just sounds odd full stop. He was independent until he moved near his parents and you’ve to do everything because he refuses to now? He can do it but he’s choosing not to?

    He was modern domestic man and now you’ve to do it all simply because you live near his parents?

    Sounds like he’s taking the mickey.
    • GlasweJen
    • By GlasweJen 16th Sep 18, 12:37 PM
    • 6,649 Posts
    • 12,029 Thanks
    GlasweJen
    That just sounds odd full stop. He was independent until he moved near his parents and you’ve to do everything because he refuses to now? He can do it but he’s choosing not to?

    He was modern domestic man and now you’ve to do it all simply because you live near his parents?

    Sounds like he’s taking the mickey.
    Originally posted by annandale
    He is. Well his mum kept appearing at random and making remarks "oh Jennifer's still not ironed that pile of laundry", "I see Jennifer hasn't stripped the beds this week", "oh Jennifer this livingroom is getting awful dusty" (we got the hall replastered - it was plaster dust) and the constant drip drip drip made him think that all this was my job. That and the fact that if you asked his Mum he's about to be sainted - he's a doctor you see. Oh the sun shines out her sons back side.

    My model is an only child and is absolutely ruined. The reason he was in Glasgow and away from mummy dearest was because he was sent there for school (Gordonstoun was co-ed, couldn't be having that).

    He's getting back to his independent ways, he remembers how the hoover works and that his wheelchair bound wife doesn't iron her own clothes never mind his shirts. I moved here, moved jobs and need to take a boat and a bus/train to get to my work and back meaning I'm out for a longer day than he is so he can hoover when his mother is coming over. She also now gets remarks like "I didn't realise your sons legs fell off" if she starts her "oh Jennifer hasnt...." nonsense.
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    • cjdavies
    • By cjdavies 16th Sep 18, 12:47 PM
    • 3,526 Posts
    • 3,793 Thanks
    cjdavies
    See all this he left me ill indoors stuff. People who live alone have to deal with being ill alone.

    Iíve known people crawl out to work very unwell or be at risk of losing jobs (supply teachers).

    Why are you resentful that he met up with his family while you had a chest infection? Do you resent every time he meets up with him and you arenít there?

    You donít like being around them. But you donít like him being with them instead of you.
    Originally posted by annandale
    Yet happy enough to take money off her parents instead of being an adult and be independent.

    Yes we are in debt. We are sorting it together. We have a small fund saved and my parents want to help us out too. I was more implying than his parents don't seem bothered about the fact we are to get married.
    Originally posted by Beautiful-Moose
    • cjdavies
    • By cjdavies 16th Sep 18, 12:54 PM
    • 3,526 Posts
    • 3,793 Thanks
    cjdavies
    He has batted out with things like "oh I'd better ask Mum which colour paint she prefers in the hall" but I put a lid on that by FaceTiming my parents and sister and starting a Facebook poll on our hall paint colour. He's now realised that we need to decide the colour and mummy doesn't get the casting vote.
    Originally posted by GlasweJen


    My Mum made a comment once about the mess about in my house, I just said *pointing "you don't like it there is the front door."
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