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  • FIRST POST
    • Beautiful-Moose
    • By Beautiful-Moose 13th Sep 18, 11:26 AM
    • 180Posts
    • 262Thanks
    Beautiful-Moose
    Mama's Boy
    • #1
    • 13th Sep 18, 11:26 AM
    Mama's Boy 13th Sep 18 at 11:26 AM
    Sorry for the rant/essay but I need to get this out of my system.

    I have known throughout our relationship that my partner is a bit of a Mama's Boy. However recently I am finding the whole thing very intrusive at times.

    He rings his parents every day, but he will have the same conversation with both of them in the same call. He has to speak to them both individually. When we are away on holiday the phone calls still happen. Not a day goes by without any form of contact. They know everything we ever do/think about doing. He also goes down once a week for dinner with them regardless of whatever is going on in our lives.

    If his mum rings while we are out doing something or watching a tv programme he will stop whatever it is we are doing to take the call. If I ask him to do something around the house it is always "yea in a minute".

    They organised a family trip away. I couldn't come for the whole duration due to work so I traveled down alone. When I originally made plans with him he said he would come and meet me. On the day I text him when I got there and he wasn't there. When I rang to see where he was he was with his mum and told me to meet them where they were. I told him I had no idea where I was going as I have never been there before and could he not just come to meet me like we had planned. He said he couldn't because it was his mums birthday and were doing stuff so didn't really want to leave her (his dad was with her so she wouldn't have been left totally alone btw) I hung up on him and sat and cried debating if I should just go home. I have honestly never come so close to leaving him. When I did eventually find them he tried to hug me and I just gave him this look and said I would not fight with him now we were around his family but that he knew he was very f-ing lucky. We got on with the rest of the trip but ee have never really spoken about this incident since.

    We can never go away on a holiday or even spend the day together on his birthday as his mum has to see him.

    They never come to our house despite living 30mins away because we are "too far away". She didn't even speak to him for the first two days when we did move out. When she eventually came to see the place and then slagged it off to our faces. She ruined what should have been one of the best/exciting times of our relationship and I will never forgive her for that.

    We are both 31 and meant to be planning a wedding. His parents never even talk about it and when they have they just say "oh you are practically married as it is so no need to do anything big, just go to a registry office and have it". It is like they aren't bothered by it, which is fine in some ways as I don't want them involved.

    Last year we had a bit of a rough few weeks which lead to me saying he needed to grow up and he has in many ways but not when it comes to this. I love him and when it just me and him we are great but before we spend loads of money getting married I do not want to enter a marriage being 2nd fiddle to his parents.

    If you have made it this far, thank you for reading but I have no idea how to even start the conversation with him.....................
    Last edited by Beautiful-Moose; 18-09-2018 at 4:24 PM. Reason: personal info being taken out to better hide myself
Page 4
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 14th Sep 18, 1:28 PM
    • 29,788 Posts
    • 76,329 Thanks
    Mojisola
    I just want them to treat their son like an independent adult who is in a serious relationship and has his own life going on.

    I don't think that is too much to ask when he is 31!
    Originally posted by Beautiful-Moose
    Neither do I but I think you're wasting your time, expecting him to change.

    He's made it clear that you are number 3 in his life - his Mum and his Dad come before you.

    Unless you are willing to be in that place for ever this relationship isn't going to survive.
    • Runningfast
    • By Runningfast 14th Sep 18, 1:34 PM
    • 148 Posts
    • 88 Thanks
    Runningfast
    It does sound like an eventful relationship but obviously it's hard to say yes or no from a strangers perspective as we have no context. As an example

    Taking the family holiday. 6 adults one child in the same caravan and it was the father's birthday! That's a very hard one without context.

    Without context i.e. how was the trip sold to you? It is hard to say whether your expectations were always going to be disappointed.

    I went on holiday with my partner and her family. The trip was basically being herded around by her family as some of them live there etc. Context of the holiday was that it was a family group holiday not a couples holiday so we spent the week pretty much in a group.

    I hated it. They have booked again for next summer. I won't be going as it isn't my type of holiday, been once that was enough!!
    • Runningfast
    • By Runningfast 14th Sep 18, 1:41 PM
    • 148 Posts
    • 88 Thanks
    Runningfast
    Mojisols,

    How can you categorically state that without context and only one side of the story?

    I would love to hear the bfs story on this one. I had a gf once who would claim doing anything away from her was too much. She could make a story sound like she was hard done by and everything was someone' else's fault (not saying the OP is doing that just giving context to my post ).
    • DUKE
    • By DUKE 14th Sep 18, 1:43 PM
    • 7,128 Posts
    • 315,108 Thanks
    DUKE
    I thought this was quite sweet to begin with, you know someone caring for their parents & having a great relationship with them. Are the parents very old?

    It's up to you what you do, marry him & things could change, or maybe Mom & Dad come as part of a package deal, in that case you'll be married to them all
    Thanks everyone!
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 14th Sep 18, 1:44 PM
    • 29,788 Posts
    • 76,329 Thanks
    Mojisola
    How can you categorically state that without context and only one side of the story?

    I would love to hear the bfs story on this one. I had a gf once who would claim doing anything away from her was too much. She could make a story sound like she was hard done by and everything was someone' else's fault (not saying the OP is doing that just giving context to my post ).
    Originally posted by Runningfast
    Because one person in the relationship isn't happy with the behaviour of the other and the other one isn't going to change.

    There's two choices - either Beautiful-Moose accepts his close relationship with his parents or leaves the relationship.
    • Runningfast
    • By Runningfast 14th Sep 18, 1:49 PM
    • 148 Posts
    • 88 Thanks
    Runningfast
    Mojisols.

    I agree one is unhappy but without context and two sides of the story we don't know who is the cause.

    We have the Op story but all we know she might be like my ex spinning the story a little bit more than is the actual reality or she might be fully justified.

    I'm just saying I don't think it is right to make definitive statements.
    • Runningfast
    • By Runningfast 14th Sep 18, 1:50 PM
    • 148 Posts
    • 88 Thanks
    Runningfast
    That should say 'For all we know'
    • Comms69
    • By Comms69 14th Sep 18, 1:59 PM
    • 4,424 Posts
    • 4,255 Thanks
    Comms69
    Mojisols.

    I agree one is unhappy but without context and two sides of the story we don't know who is the cause. - It doesn't matter, this isn't InjuryLwayer4U. She can be unhappy and it be her fault and still leave the relationship. Assigning blame isn't going to fix anything

    We have the Op story but all we know she might be like my ex spinning the story a little bit more than is the actual reality or she might be fully justified. - justified to end a voluntary relationship? As opposed to what?!

    I'm just saying I don't think it is right to make definitive statements.
    Originally posted by Runningfast

    Madness. One party is unhappy. Their choice is to stay or go. I really don't see where blame matters
    • Runningfast
    • By Runningfast 14th Sep 18, 2:09 PM
    • 148 Posts
    • 88 Thanks
    Runningfast
    Comms69

    Not saying that what I'm daying is strangers on the internet are condemning someone based on half a story.

    If she is unhappy she can leave or not leave. She makes that choice. People like the poster I responded to claiming as fact that she is 3rd in the relationship is stupidity. We don't know enough of the relationship to comment like that .
    • Pixie5740
    • By Pixie5740 14th Sep 18, 2:48 PM
    • 12,919 Posts
    • 18,573 Thanks
    Pixie5740
    Some of the things the finacee does don't sound that bad, such as going to his parents' house once a week for dinner, but I suspect there is a cumulative effect so even little things are irritating the OP.

    Personally I think speaking to your parents, or anyone for that matter, every single day especially when you've also been Whatsapping them for the day is a bit much. Clearly some people enjoy being in that much communication with others so whatever floats your boat. With all that messaging and calls what do they have to left discuss every day? What would really rip my knitting though is having to stop whatever we were doing as a couple for the daily phone call - that seems a bit rude. Is he also sat there when out with the OP, or watching television, etc messaging his parents?

    The Isle of Wight thing, yes I'm sure the OP could make her own way but the fiancee said he would pick her up and then didn't even bother to tell her that he would no longer be doing that, she only found out because she phoned him. Again that would cheese me off.

    Maybe he likes spending his birthday with his mum and her finger buffet. It wouldn't be my cup of tea but each to their own.

    MIL slagging off their home isn't cool and if my MIL, or any guest in my home did that, they wouldn't be invited a second time. There also appears to be contempt for the sister's husband so it's not just the OP.

    OP, I think you need to pick your battles. Sit down and have a discussion with your OH, maybe even suggest some relationship counselling so you are able to communicate in a calm way about what bothers you so much and be prepared to listen to what he has to say. Maybe you can work through this and both learn to compromise when it comes to his family. If not then you need to decide if this is how you want to live the rest of your life.

    You may also want to remind him of what's in the traditional wedding vows.

    Do you promise to love her, comfort her, honor and keep her for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health, and forsaking all others, be faithful only to her, for as long as you both shall live?
    That includes his mother!
    Last edited by Pixie5740; 14-09-2018 at 3:13 PM.
    • Loz01
    • By Loz01 14th Sep 18, 2:49 PM
    • 1,640 Posts
    • 3,682 Thanks
    Loz01
    But is it? I somewhat feel this would be one of those threads where the answers would be a lot different if the genders were reversed.
    Originally posted by Gavin83
    Well exactly, thats why I put it! I think if the OP was a bloke and the partner was female, maybe people would be saying 'oh thats ok! mums and daughters are like best friends!' type of replies. But obv it SHOULDNT make a difference (in my opinion) you dont have to be a bloke or a woman to be close to your parent(s) - however this OP's boyfriend needs to grow up a bit and show her some more respect.
    When your lifestyle requires several deaths a week but you think the people eating plants have a superiority complex...
    • Comms69
    • By Comms69 14th Sep 18, 2:52 PM
    • 4,424 Posts
    • 4,255 Thanks
    Comms69
    Comms69

    Not saying that what I'm daying is strangers on the internet are condemning someone based on half a story.

    If she is unhappy she can leave or not leave. She makes that choice. People like the poster I responded to claiming as fact that she is 3rd in the relationship is stupidity. We don't know enough of the relationship to comment like that .
    Originally posted by Runningfast


    Ok but she clearly feels like she's 3rd in the relationship and that is very much subjective and facts are largely irrelevant to the decision.
    • Pa Ja
    • By Pa Ja 14th Sep 18, 3:42 PM
    • 116 Posts
    • 69 Thanks
    Pa Ja
    Some of the comments have gone OTT.
    Overtime I'm sure the apron strings will sever if only just a little bit.
    But I'm in the boat of you either like it or lump it. If you're going to make him chose over you or his parents then I wouldn't want you as partner.
    I appreciate that's not what you've said but that's how it comes across. It's a pity you feel you need to compete for his attention rather than embracing the situation & enjoy being part of a close knit family.
    When I hear the Mama's boy slur from this standpoint I can't help but think it comes from a negative place.
    I hope you can work through this. You should challenge certain scenarios but as others have said, pick your battles.
    If you're fortunate to have a son of your own one day then I hope you experience that special bond that others have.
    • Beautiful-Moose
    • By Beautiful-Moose 14th Sep 18, 4:18 PM
    • 180 Posts
    • 262 Thanks
    Beautiful-Moose
    But I'm in the boat of you either like it or lump it. If you're going to make him chose over you or his parents then I wouldn't want you as partner.
    Not at any point have I said I would make him chose!
    Last edited by Beautiful-Moose; 18-09-2018 at 4:08 PM.
    • Comms69
    • By Comms69 14th Sep 18, 4:24 PM
    • 4,424 Posts
    • 4,255 Thanks
    Comms69
    Not at any point have I said I would make him chose! In fact I have said I like the fact he is a family man. I have however said I would like some respect from him and his family and a bit of distance between them and us so he is actually allowed to grow up and be a man. Not a man-child as is the case I feel right now.
    Originally posted by Beautiful-Moose


    Whilst it's desirable, your partner cannot make anyone respect you.
    • Red-Squirrel
    • By Red-Squirrel 14th Sep 18, 5:26 PM
    • 3,272 Posts
    • 8,801 Thanks
    Red-Squirrel
    Some of the things the finacee does don't sound that bad, such as going to his parents' house once a week for dinner, but I suspect there is a cumulative effect so even little things are irritating the OP.
    Originally posted by Pixie5740
    I'm sure you're right.

    Going for dinner once a week sounds perfectly reasonable, but if there is no flexibility and the boyfriend won't ever consider cancelling or swapping no matter what else comes up, then it becomes a problem. Its basically one day a week lost forever!
    • -taff
    • By -taff 14th Sep 18, 5:28 PM
    • 7,783 Posts
    • 6,199 Thanks
    -taff
    Not a man-child as is the case I feel right now.
    Originally posted by Beautiful-Moose

    I don't think that actually happens any more, especially now with special snowflakes everywhere....
    • Red-Squirrel
    • By Red-Squirrel 14th Sep 18, 5:29 PM
    • 3,272 Posts
    • 8,801 Thanks
    Red-Squirrel
    Whilst it's desirable, your partner cannot make anyone respect you.
    Originally posted by Comms69
    No but he can insist that they behave and speak respectfully, and impose some consequences for them if they don't.
    • Runningfast
    • By Runningfast 14th Sep 18, 6:01 PM
    • 148 Posts
    • 88 Thanks
    Runningfast
    Can I ask you talk about wanting a bit of distance between them and you. Can you describe what you mean by that? because I'll be honest the acts of him going there once a week doesn't sound bad nor him talking to them every day if taken in isolation.

    I don't talk to my parents every day and I don't think it weird that you partner does. Everyone has a different connection to their friends and family.

    Is the going for tea a fixed day each week or is it flexible? If he didn't go would you two be doing something as a couple or just sitting in? Does it stop you doing something regularly?

    How is he with his friends, your post is all about family. Does he have friends? Do you have any concerns about those relationships?
    • Sunny Intervals
    • By Sunny Intervals 14th Sep 18, 7:18 PM
    • 215 Posts
    • 668 Thanks
    Sunny Intervals
    Can I ask you talk about wanting a bit of distance between them and you. Can you describe what you mean by that? because I'll be honest the acts of him going there once a week doesn't sound bad nor him talking to them every day if taken in isolation.

    I don't talk to my parents every day and I don't think it weird that you partner does. Everyone has a different connection to their friends and family.

    Is the going for tea a fixed day each week or is it flexible? If he didn't go would you two be doing something as a couple or just sitting in? Does it stop you doing something regularly?

    How is he with his friends, your post is all about family. Does he have friends? Do you have any concerns about those relationships?
    Originally posted by Runningfast
    Why would you take those specific things in isolation when the OP has clearly said they're part of a wider trend?

    Talking to both parents every day is already unusual. Talking to them every day (even when away on holiday) on top of frequent messaging throughout the day is even more unusual and is starting to sound like some sort of severe coping issue. A healthy 31 year shouldn't need to be in constant contact with their parents.

    I can also see why Moose would feel like this is invasive, with his need to tell his parents everything that they do.

    Going to see them every week isn't that unusual. Refusing to miss a week even when your partner is ill and asks you to stay with them is demonstrating a lack of care for your partner, as does what sounds like frequently letting his partner down in favour of his parents (e.g. stopping in the middle of a day out to talk to mum on phone, not turning up to pick her up at the port).

    One thing in isolation might not sound bad, but lots of little things have a tendency to build up until they drive you nuts.
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