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  • FIRST POST
    • Comms69
    • By Comms69 22nd Aug 18, 3:36 PM
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    Comms69
    Breaking the cycle
    • #1
    • 22nd Aug 18, 3:36 PM
    Breaking the cycle 22nd Aug 18 at 3:36 PM
    Think this is more of a rant than anything else but feedback and advice is always welcome!


    This weekend my partner split up with me. Now this wasn't some blazing row or anything like that. In fact to some degree it was on the cards for a while.


    Basically we never dealt with problems. So for the last 7-8 years any time we've fallen out those issues have just been swept away.


    This means now if we fall out (stereotypical as it sounds) it's like she's got a spread sheet of our problems!


    The thing is, I don't want to keep repeating the same mistakes; which the obvious answer would be "stay away from her then!", but it's not that simple.


    For one we have children together.


    And, although it might be foolish, I would like to have a proper family. BUT I'm not willing to repeat the cycle over and over again.


    The 'typical' situation would be with-in a week or two of us falling out, she would get back in touch and pretend nothing was wrong. Now I've enabled this for a long time by using the 'let sleeping dogs lie' motto.


    Aside from the details of our problems, which granted might be relevant but for the sake of simplicity are mostly 'traditional' problems in relationships - money, monotony, familial pressures and lack of social lives (joint or independent).


    There are some other elements; she can be quite controlling - I don't think it's meant that way, I think it's fear more than anything that causes it. But nonetheless it's there, and it's gotten worse as the relationship has gone on.


    I kind of know what I need to do - basically don't do what she expects me to. And I know you cant force someone to address their own negative traits and can only develop yourself as you'd like.
    But it's a very difficult position to be in nonetheless: part of me wants to try to fix things; and part of me has kind of had enough and needs a break!


    The big consideration is the kids ofcourse. But I don't expect there to be too many problems in terms of contact and what not.


    Anyway it's a rant, make of it what you will.
Page 4
    • SSDD23
    • By SSDD23 9th Nov 18, 11:04 AM
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    SSDD23
    Regardless of the other threads, the OP has asked for advice

    Following along with this thread Comms, OH has an ex that acts like your partner/ex partner with the kids, so I empathise with your situation
    Money made in November: £35.16/£100.00 // October NSDs: 3/15 SPC #029
    Total Debt: £4,852.52 Total Repaid: £1963.88 Total Savings: £0.00 (Physical Savings) £73.32 (XMAS19 Savings)
    • Red-Squirrel
    • By Red-Squirrel 9th Nov 18, 11:06 AM
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    Red-Squirrel
    Regardless of the other threads, the OP has asked for advice
    Originally posted by SSDD23
    Unfortunately, his responses in other threads demonstrate a really poor attitude towards women in general, which I think is something to consider here. What are the chances his attitude to his ex is any better?
    • Rubik
    • By Rubik 9th Nov 18, 11:16 AM
    • 254 Posts
    • 474 Thanks
    Rubik
    Unfortunately, his responses in other threads demonstrate a really poor attitude towards women in general, which I think is something to consider here. What are the chances his attitude to his ex is any better?
    Originally posted by Red-Squirrel
    I think the only factor to consider here is that someone is asking for support and advice.

    Comms, I appreciate that you are going through a very difficult time including being apart from your children and being prevented from seeing them. Ignore those who are using your thread to score points. There's been some good advice on this thread. Hang in there.
    • BrassicWoman
    • By BrassicWoman 9th Nov 18, 11:40 AM
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    BrassicWoman
    Would you say that to a woman who has suffered domestic abuse? It's not the OP's behaviour that the issue here.
    Originally posted by Rubik
    I wouldn't be trying to get the other person to change, no. And I'd also have recognised that inciting rather than avoiding conflict was of no use.

    My change in behaviour would be getting out, and getting the kids safe with me through the courts; then limiting contact.

    But hoping someone else will change? Nope.
    Jan 18 grocery challenge £105.13/ £150
    • Comms69
    • By Comms69 9th Nov 18, 12:09 PM
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    Comms69
    Unfortunately, his responses in other threads demonstrate a really poor attitude towards women in general, which I think is something to consider here. What are the chances his attitude to his ex is any better?
    Originally posted by Red-Squirrel


    Just as a point. I genuinely don't consider gender when providing advice / comment.


    In otherwords I would say the same thing to a man as a woman.


    If you feel my comments are in anyway sexist; call me out on it.


    I really do welcome that. We may not agree on whatever the issue is, or whatever the solution is. However I have no hatred of anyone based upon gender, or age, or whatever. Just actions (individual actions; not group identity)
    • Comms69
    • By Comms69 9th Nov 18, 12:12 PM
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    Comms69
    I wouldn't be trying to get the other person to change, no. And I'd also have recognised that inciting rather than avoiding conflict was of no use.

    My change in behaviour would be getting out, and getting the kids safe with me through the courts; then limiting contact.

    But hoping someone else will change? Nope.
    Originally posted by BrassicWoman


    The issue is that the systems in place prevents many people from doing just that.


    If I've suggested I expect her to change; I don't. But to stop; yes.
    • SuperPikachu
    • By SuperPikachu 9th Nov 18, 1:12 PM
    • 183 Posts
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    SuperPikachu
    Comms69 would.

    Have you never spotted his responses to threads by women in distress?
    Originally posted by Red-Squirrel
    I always thought Comms was a women for some reason
    "Wild Pikachu appeared!"
    • Red-Squirrel
    • By Red-Squirrel 9th Nov 18, 2:12 PM
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    Red-Squirrel


    If you feel my comments are in anyway sexist; call me out on it.
    Originally posted by Comms69
    I do, regularly, as you are well aware.

    Youíve got people on this thread saying your ex makes them ashamed to be female. I think itís legitimate to bring up your history of anti-woman comments.
    • Comms69
    • By Comms69 9th Nov 18, 2:34 PM
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    Comms69
    I do, regularly, as you are well aware.

    Youíve got people on this thread saying your ex makes them ashamed to be female. I think itís legitimate to bring up your history of anti-woman comments.
    Originally posted by Red-Squirrel


    There's a difference between a comment where I disagree with a woman, and being anti-woman.


    I am not, in anyway, anti woman. Why would I be; I have a mum, a sister, unfortunately no grandmothers left, cousins, nieces.


    I would genuinely welcome you to genuinely highlight where you see this kind of comment.
    • Rubik
    • By Rubik 9th Nov 18, 3:25 PM
    • 254 Posts
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    Rubik
    Every misogynist has a mother.
    Originally posted by Red-Squirrel
    I thought this forum was to offer support and constructive comments?
    • SuperPikachu
    • By SuperPikachu 9th Nov 18, 3:28 PM
    • 183 Posts
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    SuperPikachu
    I thought this forum was to offer support and constructive comments?
    Originally posted by Rubik
    I agree. I think Comms, the only way you are going to sort this out is if you buy a pet pig and move to Wales.
    "Wild Pikachu appeared!"
    • calleyw
    • By calleyw 9th Nov 18, 3:48 PM
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    calleyw
    Youíve got people on this thread saying your ex makes them ashamed to be female. I think itís legitimate to bring up your history of anti-woman comments.
    Originally posted by Red-Squirrel

    That was me that said that. And I stand by. Woman who use their own children as pawns, or lie to the police about abuse, harassment or sexual assault do make me ashamed to be female.



    When you have children with someone and separate your own feelings should not come in to. Unless there was abuse and then I totally understand no access or contact at all. If not then the children and their relationship with the other parent normally the dad is important.



    Men get a rough deal when it comes to contact and the courts. The mothers get to play all sorts of games and get away with it. The op tried to contact her to sort out about the access. So she calls the police. Unless there has been threats or abuse then totally out of order. And if the OP had decided that he needed to change his access days. I am sure the OP's ex would kicked off merry hell. But I guess thats ok because she is the mother.



    I was a step mother. And seen first hand the damage that was done by a lying, jealous ex. I only found out in the last few years. That she told the children when she was with holding access, dad does not want to see you. My ex husband would have moved heaven and earth to see his children. And I supported him and never stood in the way of him seeing his children.


    And of course it seems the OP has suffered 8 years of verbal, financial, emotional and physical abuse. But guess thats ok because he is a man!!!!!! And in the words of many should man up!!!!



    The PWC is normally the mother. And that is not always for the best. Time the courts started to see this. And stop the silly games that the mothers play. It should have been and always should have been a level playing field.



    I always thought comms69 though blunt and a little harsh sometimes, talked sense. And with the abuse that he has suffered maybe that is why he replies the way he does. No matter what the sex of the people involved it's not alright to abuse someone.



    If I was the op, I would pay my maintenance and nothing else. Keep the lines of communication open. And always be there for your children even if you can't see them. Make sure that they know you are there and love and care for them. Never bad mouth their mother in front of them. And try and enjoy your life.


    Yours


    Calley x
    Hope for everything and expect nothing!!!

    Good enough is almost always good enough -Prof Barry Schwartz

    If it scares you, it might be a good thing to try -Seth Godin
    • Comms69
    • By Comms69 9th Nov 18, 5:46 PM
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    Comms69
    That was me that said that. And I stand by. Woman who use their own children as pawns, or lie to the police about abuse, harassment or sexual assault do make me ashamed to be female.
    unfortunately it seems that she is intent on doing just that. Iíve booked an appointment with a solicitor who will hopefully give me the facts of expected contact should it go to court; that will be my basis of arguement at mediation


    When you have children with someone and separate your own feelings should not come in to. Unless there was abuse and then I totally understand no access or contact at all. If not then the children and their relationship with the other parent normally the dad is important.
    im a very caring father; I want the best for my kids and for them to achieve their full potential


    Men get a rough deal when it comes to contact and the courts. The mothers get to play all sorts of games and get away with it. The op tried to contact her to sort out about the access. So she calls the police. Unless there has been threats or abuse then totally out of order. And if the OP had decided that he needed to change his access days. I am sure the OP's ex would kicked off merry hell. But I guess thats ok because she is the mother.
    id happily share my emails; but for personal reasons I wonít. I can however categorically say there was no threat at all.


    I was a step mother. And seen first hand the damage that was done by a lying, jealous ex. I only found out in the last few years. That she told the children when she was with holding access, dad does not want to see you. My ex husband would have moved heaven and earth to see his children. And I supported him and never stood in the way of him seeing his children.
    thats myworst fear. That my kids think I donít love them. Itís disgusting

    And of course it seems the OP has suffered 8 years of verbal, financial, emotional and physical abuse. But guess thats ok because he is a man!!!!!! And in the words of many should man up!!!!
    ive has 22 addresses in 8 years. Thatís ridiculous by any standard of measurement. My own fault for not realising; but at the time, when Iím at my lowest; the chance for a family life always brought be back


    The PWC is normally the mother. And that is not always for the best. Time the courts started to see this. And stop the silly games that the mothers play. It should have been and always should have been a level playing field.
    i can only hope of a shared custody agreement. The funny thing is ( not funny but ) sheís always criticised me for wanting to take her kids away from her


    I always thought comms69 though blunt and a little harsh sometimes, talked sense. And with the abuse that he has suffered maybe that is why he replies the way he does. No matter what the sex of the people involved it's not alright to abuse someone.
    i try to be straight to the point. Itís not that Iím unsympathetic; or I wouldnít post; just think that often people need to hear something they donít like.


    If I was the op, I would pay my maintenance and nothing else. Keep the lines of communication open. And always be there for your children even if you can't see them. Make sure that they know you are there and love and care for them. Never bad mouth their mother in front of them. And try and enjoy your life.
    never have, never will. Sheís still their Mum; she does a good job of providing for them. But there is no more financial support; except the maintenance ofcourse

    Yours


    Calley x
    Originally posted by calleyw
    Thanks Calley I appreciate it.

    I know Iím far (FAR) from perfect. Iíve tried very hard to make this all work; but after 8 years I just canít do it anymore. The biggest issue is that I need to change my mindset ( which I think brassic was saying ) about constantly being wrong or incompetent.

    Iím sure itís not true; otherwise other areas of my life would show this. But Iím highly regarded at work; colleagues and friends are happy in my company; and Iíve never ever had issues with previous partners ( and thatís including one who cheated on me with another friend - a situation I think most people would explode at )
    • calleyw
    • By calleyw 9th Nov 18, 11:06 PM
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    calleyw
    Thanks Calley I appreciate it.

    I know Iím far (FAR) from perfect. Iíve tried very hard to make this all work; but after 8 years I just canít do it anymore. The biggest issue is that I need to change my mindset ( which I think brassic was saying ) about constantly being wrong or incompetent.

    Iím sure itís not true; otherwise other areas of my life would show this. But Iím highly regarded at work; colleagues and friends are happy in my company; and Iíve never ever had issues with previous partners ( and thatís including one who cheated on me with another friend - a situation I think most people would explode at )
    Originally posted by Comms69

    Comms69,


    I am so sorry to see that you are going through this. No one is perfect by any means.


    As I said it saddens me that men get the rough end of the wedge in family matters. And their ex's like to play games.


    When my ex husband lost his job all his ex could moan about was her maintenance money. Which was about £180 a month. When he was on the phone to her. She over heard me say does she not think it effects us as well. As we had lost a whole income. She said tell that b1tch to shut up. My ex with out a word put the phone down on her. Her response was to go mad and keep phoning us. Which we ignored.



    Another thing I know you are not suicidal but the Smaritans 116 123 are there 24 hours a day. Just to have someone to talk to about anything. Some times talking to someone who is not connected to the issue can help.


    I do wish you best wishes and hope that you can move forward.


    Yours


    Calley x
    Hope for everything and expect nothing!!!

    Good enough is almost always good enough -Prof Barry Schwartz

    If it scares you, it might be a good thing to try -Seth Godin
    • Comms69
    • By Comms69 10th Nov 18, 8:40 PM
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    Comms69
    My biggest gripe; which I raised with my local MP; is that there isn’t a defined minimum for NRPs.

    The CMS, and to be clear I have no issues with paying maintenance, is a mostly efficient service which will act fairly quickly.

    But there is no agency which intervened in terms of contact.

    For perspective; the cost of a CMS claim is £20. But for a contact order it’s £215 (+ you have to atleast try mediation which is from experience £150)

    At almost 20x the cost this seems very disproportionate ( and I agree that the two should not be linked, but it’s the best comparison I can think of)
    • Red-Squirrel
    • By Red-Squirrel 11th Nov 18, 9:06 AM
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    • 9,636 Thanks
    Red-Squirrel
    My biggest gripe; which I raised with my local MP; is that there isnít a defined minimum for NRPs.

    The CMS, and to be clear I have no issues with paying maintenance, is a mostly efficient service which will act fairly quickly.

    But there is no agency which intervened in terms of contact.

    For perspective; the cost of a CMS claim is £20. But for a contact order itís £215 (+ you have to atleast try mediation which is from experience £150)

    At almost 20x the cost this seems very disproportionate ( and I agree that the two should not be linked, but itís the best comparison I can think of)
    Originally posted by Comms69

    It costs more because itís more involved surely? CMS is just about the movement of money, important but not life or death.

    Contact is about the safety and well-being of children. You canít have an agency that just decrees it from a distance for £20 with no consideration of individual circumstances.
    • Comms69
    • By Comms69 11th Nov 18, 4:56 PM
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    Comms69
    It costs more because itís more involved surely? CMS is just about the movement of money, important but not life or death.

    Contact is about the safety and well-being of children. You canít have an agency that just decrees it from a distance for £20 with no consideration of individual circumstances.
    Originally posted by Red-Squirrel
    I agree; itís not a particularly effective comparison.

    But my point was that the cost isnít prohibitive for most people. Additionally thereís an incentive for NRPs to pay voluntarily, as collection by CMS attracts a premium.

    With child contact there is a substantially higher cost; and thereís no incentive for earlier agreements.

    In most cases; or in a substantial number of cases; neither is needed. But itís clearly still an issue which is disproportionate.
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