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  • FIRST POST
    • jalderton
    • By jalderton 11th Aug 18, 2:52 PM
    • 1Posts
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    jalderton
    Help with nightmarish upstairs neighbour.
    • #1
    • 11th Aug 18, 2:52 PM
    Help with nightmarish upstairs neighbour. 11th Aug 18 at 2:52 PM
    Hi all,

    Hoping this is the right thread to post this in. Iíve been living in my current property for about a year or so and Iím really getting to the end of my tether with my upstairs neighbour. Iím a 25 year old single female living by herself and the man upstairs appears to be early 30s and Iím fairly sure he lives alone. Iím almost certain he has some level of autism so obviously I need this handled but delicately.

    Iíve been living in what is basically silence for the past year because every time I make a noise heís there, complaining. I had friends round during the day, we were sat laughing, chatting etc and he starts banging on the ceiling at 2 in the afternoon. I play music on a Bluetooth speaker, about mid level volume and he complains - again early afternoon. Itís gotten to the point where Iíve had to get rid of my dog because he complains about him so much. Heís managed to get his hands on my landlords number so he never ever confronts me about these things directly - I gave my phone number and email address to my neighbours when I first moved in in case there were any issues because my dog could get quite anxious, and still he goes behind my back instead of ever speaking to me face to face other than the couple of times heís bumped into me on the street as he very rarely seems to leave his home. Iím very irritated about the fact he never bothers to speak to me, I try to make myself as approachable as possible.

    Anyway. The issue I take with this is that I am most definitely not the noisiest person in his vicinity - the neighbours to the left of me (directly next door to him as they are both upstairs flats) have three dogs who bark and play constantly, yet when Iíve spoken to them Iíve found that absolutely nothing has ever been said to them. Similarly the downstairs neighbour next to me frequently has musical soundtracks on which I can hear from my home as they play it with the back door open, and they often have loud company around, but again nothing has ever been said to them. Both of them are happy to testify to this and to hearing no excessive noise from my home if I was to submit a harassment complaint.

    Iím not the kind to deny if Iím in the wrong however I am genuinely not a loud neighbour. My dog would cry for about 5 minutes if I left the flat but he would quieten up pretty quick - I check this with neighbours who I see. Upstairs neighbour also has the cheek to hoover at 9 at night, and last night he was up walking around heavily in his flat until nearly midnight.

    Iím just really reaching the end of my patience here, the feeling of constantly being monitored by him is driving me insane. Iím anxious all the time about making any noise, I donít even dare to dry my hair for work in the mornings anymore. Itís almost like heís entirely fixated on me and Iím the sole focus of his rage. If anyone can offer me any advice I would really appreciate it. I have no family in the area so Iím all alone in this situation.
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    • mrginge
    • By mrginge 11th Aug 18, 3:33 PM
    • 4,672 Posts
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    mrginge
    • #2
    • 11th Aug 18, 3:33 PM
    • #2
    • 11th Aug 18, 3:33 PM
    What does your LL say?
    If the neighbour isn!!!8217;t speaking to you directly then why bother worrying about it?
    • elsien
    • By elsien 11th Aug 18, 3:42 PM
    • 17,397 Posts
    • 43,860 Thanks
    elsien
    • #3
    • 11th Aug 18, 3:42 PM
    • #3
    • 11th Aug 18, 3:42 PM
    You got rid of your dog because of unjustified complaints? Why???

    I'd suggest stop pandering to him for starters if you really think he's being unrealistic in his expectations. Because every time he complains and you change something, it confirms to him that you're in the wrong.
    Your LL really shouldn't be sending you messages every time he complains, that's the first thing I'd be addressing because it's really not helpful.
    If he's not spoken to you directly, why have you not gone to talk to him instead?
    Last edited by elsien; 11-08-2018 at 3:45 PM.
    All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.

    Pedant alert - it's could have, not could of.
    • need an answer
    • By need an answer 11th Aug 18, 3:48 PM
    • 957 Posts
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    need an answer
    • #4
    • 11th Aug 18, 3:48 PM
    • #4
    • 11th Aug 18, 3:48 PM
    Has your LL contacted you about anything that the neighbour is relaying back?
    If not then simply get on with your life.Have your friends over put your music on at a reasonable pitch and forget about the guy upstairs.

    The chances are even if the guy is calling your LL then the fact that you are hearing no more about it possibly means that the LL is not interested enough to even have a conversation with you about it,whether that's because its not his business to tell you to turn your music down etc or hes just heard it all before from the guy upstairs who just makes it his business to interfere....make your own mind up.


    But whatever,I'd just go about doing what you do!
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    • Red-Squirrel
    • By Red-Squirrel 11th Aug 18, 3:50 PM
    • 3,458 Posts
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    Red-Squirrel
    • #5
    • 11th Aug 18, 3:50 PM
    • #5
    • 11th Aug 18, 3:50 PM
    You got rid of your dog?

    That's terrible, poor animal

    Not going to offer any advice, you deserve to suffer for doing that frankly.
    Last edited by Red-Squirrel; 11-08-2018 at 3:56 PM.
    • need an answer
    • By need an answer 11th Aug 18, 3:53 PM
    • 957 Posts
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    need an answer
    • #6
    • 11th Aug 18, 3:53 PM
    • #6
    • 11th Aug 18, 3:53 PM
    If you were allowed pets in the property then why did you let your dog go?..its not easy getting pet consents in a rental moreso an apartment,so if your dog was permitted then there is no reason why it shouldn't be there.

    Is there any way you could get it back?

    You shouldn't let this guy dictate your life this much.
    Last edited by need an answer; 11-08-2018 at 3:57 PM.
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    • deannatrois
    • By deannatrois 11th Aug 18, 3:55 PM
    • 5,663 Posts
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    deannatrois
    • #7
    • 11th Aug 18, 3:55 PM
    • #7
    • 11th Aug 18, 3:55 PM
    You have three choices, move, ignore or pander and worry.

    My younger son is autistic and very sensitive to noise but I have to just find ways around it. Occasionally you can't.

    I am sorry but if the dog noise was as you say, I don't really see why you removed him. I'd rather have moved.
    • need an answer
    • By need an answer 11th Aug 18, 4:00 PM
    • 957 Posts
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    need an answer
    • #8
    • 11th Aug 18, 4:00 PM
    • #8
    • 11th Aug 18, 4:00 PM
    You have three choices, move, ignore or pander and worry.

    My younger son is autistic and very sensitive to noise but I have to just find ways around it. Occasionally you can't.

    I am sorry but if the dog noise was as you say, I don't really see why you removed him. I'd rather have moved.
    Originally posted by deannatrois
    That's a really sensitive post thank you Deanna,all too often we probably forget that autism can be challenging and you've just put the reality of it back into the thread.

    Lets hope the OP finds her solution to dealing with it.
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    • PasturesNew
    • By PasturesNew 11th Aug 18, 4:02 PM
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    PasturesNew
    • #9
    • 11th Aug 18, 4:02 PM
    • #9
    • 11th Aug 18, 4:02 PM
    Noise travels differently - I can hear every word the woman 9 doors along says when she's on the phone in her house with the patio door open because she's got a loud voice; I can't hear a word next door say when they're just beside my open window in their garden ... nor can I hear anybody else from that direction.

    I can't hear my neighbour's gardener with his heavy duty mower and strimmer, if I've my windows shut - but I can hear the car door closed of the woman in the house beyond that, even though it's not been slammed.

    Sound travels through the air and through building materials - and it tends to travel in one direction more than others quite often.

    With autism, sounds "physically hurt you" if they're in specific frequencies... so the same level of noise from different sources gives different results. It's not always just decibels, but noise pitch/frequency. High and low noises are worst for me.

    I even phoned up the police one night because a man 400 yards away was thinking about breaking into a building site ... because I heard his footsteps change as he was walking along two roads away .... and I was right, he was trying to work out how to break in when they arrived.
    • Norman Castle
    • By Norman Castle 11th Aug 18, 4:12 PM
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    Norman Castle
    As above, what he can hear from your flat may be much louder than from other flats. Is it an old conversion with a wooden floor? I'm on the top floor and can hear a surprising and annoying amount of noise from two flats below mine. I have little patience or tolerance for it due to years of genuinely noisy neighbours, your property and neighbour may be the same.
    Don't harass a hippie. You'll get bad karma.

    Never trust a newbie with a rtb tale.
    • Sunny Intervals
    • By Sunny Intervals 11th Aug 18, 4:28 PM
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    • 1,395 Thanks
    Sunny Intervals
    I'm not autistic, but I am sensitive to certain noises due to another condition. It's pants, but I can't expect the rest of the world to live in silence, so I've developed coping mechanisms which help to varying degrees.

    Right now, one neighbour's listening to music, another's using some sort of power tool, but it's 4:30pm on a Saturday, so I accept that this is normal noise and I stick my headphones in and listen to noises that reduce my desire to scream and remove a layer of skin.

    It sounds like the neighbour perhaps needs to work on how he deals with noise, as it's not fair to expect you to be silent in your own home.
    Last edited by Sunny Intervals; 11-08-2018 at 4:38 PM. Reason: clarity.
    • happyandcontented
    • By happyandcontented 11th Aug 18, 4:31 PM
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    happyandcontented
    You got rid of your dog?

    That's terrible, poor animal

    Not going to offer any advice, you deserve to suffer for doing that frankly.
    Originally posted by Red-Squirrel
    You seem to have inferred she has dumped him.....for all you know the dog could have gone back to her parents or to a friend, where she still sees him. I don't think the OP deserved your last sentence at least until you know the full circumstances.
    • happyandcontented
    • By happyandcontented 11th Aug 18, 4:43 PM
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    happyandcontented
    As in 'doesn't have him now' not necessarily as in euthanased him or dumped him.
    • Red-Squirrel
    • By Red-Squirrel 11th Aug 18, 4:43 PM
    • 3,458 Posts
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    Red-Squirrel
    You seem to have inferred she has dumped him.....for all you know the dog could have gone back to her parents or to a friend, where she still sees him. I don't think the OP deserved your last sentence at least until you know the full circumstances.
    Originally posted by happyandcontented
    You don't use the expression 'get rid' if your dog is just going to stay with family until you can move.

    Of course, I'm sure if they come back it will be with a lovely fluffy story of how the dog now lives on a farm and is better off.
    • happyandcontented
    • By happyandcontented 11th Aug 18, 4:46 PM
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    happyandcontented
    You don't use the expression 'get rid' if your dog is just going to stay with family until you can move.

    Of course, I'm sure if they come back it will be with a lovely fluffy story of how the dog now lives on a farm and is better off.
    Originally posted by Red-Squirrel
    I think I can well imagine saying to someone I was telling this tale to something along the lines of 'and I have even had to get rid of my pet to try to appease this neighbour'. There is a lot of angst and passion in the OP's post so using that term in that context wouldn't be surprising.

    Of course, you could be right, but at this point, you can't know either way.
    • need an answer
    • By need an answer 11th Aug 18, 4:48 PM
    • 957 Posts
    • 1,167 Thanks
    need an answer
    You don't use the expression 'get rid' if your dog is just going to stay with family until you can move.

    Of course, I'm sure if they come back it will be with a lovely fluffy story of how the dog now lives on a farm and is better off.
    Originally posted by Red-Squirrel

    but whats the difference in saying I had to get rid of my dog or I had to rehome it,or indeed I gave it to fluffy people on a farm?


    The fact is she got rid of it and clearly its a point that now troubles the OP(enough to have included reference to the incident in her post)


    It's never easy letting any animal who is a pet go whatever words are used to describe the exit.

    However this thread isn't purely about the dog so that's the only comment I'll make so others can return to the original question
    Last edited by need an answer; 11-08-2018 at 4:51 PM.
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    • Red-Squirrel
    • By Red-Squirrel 11th Aug 18, 4:54 PM
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    Red-Squirrel

    It's never easy letting any animal who is a pet go whatever words are used to describe the exit.
    Originally posted by need an answer

    Actually, for a lot of people its far too easy. Hence the massive problem we have with unwanted dogs in this country and the thousands that have to be destroyed each year.

    A responsible dog owner who loves their dog does not 'get rid' because of an annoying neighbour.
    • moneyistooshorttomention
    • By moneyistooshorttomention 11th Aug 18, 4:54 PM
    • 16,852 Posts
    • 46,517 Thanks
    moneyistooshorttomention
    You got rid of your dog because of unjustified complaints? Why???

    I'd suggest stop pandering to him for starters if you really think he's being unrealistic in his expectations. Because every time he complains and you change something, it confirms to him that you're in the wrong.
    Your LL really shouldn't be sending you messages every time he complains, that's the first thing I'd be addressing because it's really not helpful.
    If he's not spoken to you directly, why have you not gone to talk to him instead?
    Originally posted by elsien
    I'd have certainly not got rid of a perfectly well-behaved pet because of him.

    What struck me so far - is that you appear to be the only single woman amongst his neighbouring flats. I must admit that, if that were the case, ie me the only single woman and me the only one he complained about - then there would have a been few short/sharp words with him (one of them being "discrimination") and that I did not expect to be picked on for my sex and marital status situation and making it very plain it had better not happen again.

    Have you thought of asking if one of the local "volunteer bobbies" can go round and see him (making sure they are told that fact before they do so) and pointing out his conduct is proving unacceptable etc?
    ****************
    • Red-Squirrel
    • By Red-Squirrel 11th Aug 18, 4:55 PM
    • 3,458 Posts
    • 9,264 Thanks
    Red-Squirrel
    I'd have certainly not got rid of a perfectly well-behaved pet because of him.

    What struck me so far - is that you appear to be the only single woman amongst his neighbouring flats. I must admit that, if that were the case, ie me the only single woman and me the only one he complained about - then there would have a been few short/sharp words with him (one of them being "discrimination") and that I did not expect to be picked on for my sex and marital status situation and making it very plain it had better not happen again.

    Have you thought of asking if one of the local "volunteer bobbies" can go round and see him (making sure they are told that fact before they do so) and pointing out his conduct is proving unacceptable etc?
    Originally posted by moneyistooshorttomention

    Did you miss that the neighbour is autistic?
    • happyandcontented
    • By happyandcontented 11th Aug 18, 5:04 PM
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    happyandcontented
    Back to the OP.

    What makes you think he is autistic? Does he work?

    I think that if you are satisfied he is complaining about nothing then you have either speak to him directly, speak to your LL about his behaviour or ask a friend to call over and do it for you. It doesn't need to be done in a confrontational manner but clearly, this is affecting your life to a serious degree and needs to be resolved.
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