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  • FIRST POST
    • JamesFuller
    • By JamesFuller 9th Aug 18, 12:36 PM
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    JamesFuller
    My friend realised he loves his ex after she broke-up with him. What should he do?
    • #1
    • 9th Aug 18, 12:36 PM
    My friend realised he loves his ex after she broke-up with him. What should he do? 9th Aug 18 at 12:36 PM
    Hello all,

    I have a friend who has realised he loves his ex-girlfriend after she broke up with him.

    One of the stated reasons she gave is she thought he didn't like her as much as she did. During the break-up talk she gave he did say he liked her and wish he expressed it, but she said it is too late.

    It is 3 months since the break up and he is still finding it hard and thinks about her every day. What should he do?

    He feels like he doesn't have closure, but also maybe he wants a second chance.

    She hasn't contacted him since the break-up.
Page 1
    • ska lover
    • By ska lover 9th Aug 18, 12:50 PM
    • 2,917 Posts
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    ska lover
    • #2
    • 9th Aug 18, 12:50 PM
    • #2
    • 9th Aug 18, 12:50 PM
    ahh I wonder why he has trouble showing his emotions? or why it would have taken the split to happen for him to realise

    Well we all make mistakes in matters of the heart

    To be honest though I am wondering how much more closure he wants? She sounds like she has been upfront at the time about her reasons, and the fact there has been no contact for three months, does spell closure to me ...it isn't like she is stringing him along

    Having said that, there is nothing to stop him contacting her in a non direct way - letter or email...and see if there is any response - if not, he needs to let it go
    The opposite of what you know...is also true
    • Alikay
    • By Alikay 9th Aug 18, 1:09 PM
    • 4,842 Posts
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    Alikay
    • #3
    • 9th Aug 18, 1:09 PM
    • #3
    • 9th Aug 18, 1:09 PM
    He needs to talk to her. The actual message is more important than the method of delivery, but the sooner the better so she doesn't move on and meet someone else or use one of those "get over your ex" techniques women's magazines are always on about
    • seashore22
    • By seashore22 9th Aug 18, 1:18 PM
    • 1,174 Posts
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    seashore22
    • #4
    • 9th Aug 18, 1:18 PM
    • #4
    • 9th Aug 18, 1:18 PM
    How old are they? You use the words "love" and "like" interchangeably in your post. Which is it? "I like you" sounds like something a schoolchild says to someone they fancy and suggests an element of immaturity. Is this because they are young or simply not ready for a proper grown up relationship?
    • JamesFuller
    • By JamesFuller 9th Aug 18, 1:20 PM
    • 85 Posts
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    JamesFuller
    • #5
    • 9th Aug 18, 1:20 PM
    • #5
    • 9th Aug 18, 1:20 PM
    Yes he has. He knows he should show his feelings more. Women can't guess, and she wanted a verbal communication that he liked her.

    The thing is she tends to show all the personal messages to her female friends and she will end up showing any further contact he has with her to her friends also. Whether this is through email, text messages, call, or even in person.

    He mainly wants another chance to talk to her, and if she says no he will walk away for good.
    • seashore22
    • By seashore22 9th Aug 18, 1:20 PM
    • 1,174 Posts
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    seashore22
    • #6
    • 9th Aug 18, 1:20 PM
    • #6
    • 9th Aug 18, 1:20 PM
    Looking at some of you other posts I'm wondering if the "friend" is actually you op.
    • JamesFuller
    • By JamesFuller 9th Aug 18, 1:23 PM
    • 85 Posts
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    JamesFuller
    • #7
    • 9th Aug 18, 1:23 PM
    • #7
    • 9th Aug 18, 1:23 PM
    How old are they? You use the words "love" and "like" interchangeably in your post. Which is it? "I like you" sounds like something a schoolchild says to someone they fancy and suggests an element of immaturity. Is this because they are young or simply not ready for a proper grown up relationship?
    Originally posted by seashore22
    They are both 32 and met online.
    • seashore22
    • By seashore22 9th Aug 18, 1:25 PM
    • 1,174 Posts
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    seashore22
    • #8
    • 9th Aug 18, 1:25 PM
    • #8
    • 9th Aug 18, 1:25 PM
    How long have they been together?

    So which is it, like or love?
    • -taff
    • By -taff 9th Aug 18, 1:50 PM
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    -taff
    • #9
    • 9th Aug 18, 1:50 PM
    • #9
    • 9th Aug 18, 1:50 PM
    When it's over, it's over. She hasn't ontacted him so all he'll be doing is saying sorry I didn't talk to you enough.
    Women do things like that [telling friends about ex's and what they've done] so there's nothing new there.
    Tell him to forget her and talk more to the next one.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 9th Aug 18, 2:19 PM
    • 21,204 Posts
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    Pollycat
    How old are they? You use the words "love" and "like" interchangeably in your post. Which is it? "I like you" sounds like something a schoolchild says to someone they fancy and suggests an element of immaturity. Is this because they are young or simply not ready for a proper grown up relationship?
    Originally posted by seashore22
    My first thought too.
    They sound like young teenagers.

    If this is 3 months ago and he still doesn't know what to do, his ex-girlfriend has had a lucky escape.
    • JamesFuller
    • By JamesFuller 9th Aug 18, 2:55 PM
    • 85 Posts
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    JamesFuller
    My first thought too.
    They sound like young teenagers.

    If this is 3 months ago and he still doesn't know what to do, his ex-girlfriend has had a lucky escape.
    Originally posted by Pollycat
    I don't think it's as bad as that, I've had lots of chats with him and I think he realises he was a bit emotionally stunted.

    He showed her lots of affection in ways such as telling her how pretty she is, holding hands, bringing food for her, medications when they travel (she had allergies), but maybe not enough as the relationship was reaching 1.5 years together.

    He realises he has to show affection more to make her or a woman feel good. He has a great job, seems financially OK as a normal guy, lives a healthy lifestyle.

    He feels like an idiot for some of these mistakes he made but they weren't big mistakes as per what causes other couples to break-up, but goes to show break-ups can happen for lots of reasons.

    He understands totally why she broke up with him, but thinks they could have worked it through by having a serious conversation. Instead she broke-up so he is feeling guilty and left with a lot of "what could have been" in his head.
    Last edited by JamesFuller; 09-08-2018 at 2:59 PM. Reason: Spelling mistake
    • Alikay
    • By Alikay 9th Aug 18, 5:30 PM
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    Alikay
    It's not a friend; it's you, isn't it OP?
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 9th Aug 18, 5:51 PM
    • 21,204 Posts
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    Pollycat
    I don't think it's as bad as that, I've had lots of chats with him and I think he realises he was a bit emotionally stunted.

    He showed her lots of affection in ways such as telling her how pretty she is, holding hands, bringing food for her, medications when they travel (she had allergies), but maybe not enough as the relationship was reaching 1.5 years together.

    He realises he has to show affection more to make her or a woman feel good. He has a great job, seems financially OK as a normal guy, lives a healthy lifestyle.

    He feels like an idiot for some of these mistakes he made but they weren't big mistakes as per what causes other couples to break-up, but goes to show break-ups can happen for lots of reasons.

    He understands totally why she broke up with him, but thinks they could have worked it through by having a serious conversation. Instead she broke-up so he is feeling guilty and left with a lot of "what could have been" in his head.
    Originally posted by JamesFuller
    Ah.
    Now you're drip-feeding extra information.
    My comments were based on your first post.
    Your friend and his ex really did sound like school kids.
    I was gob-smacked when you said he was 32 and the relationship had been going on for 18 months.

    Now, from the added information, it seems he did lots of thoughtful things but she wanted more.

    Tell him to put his big boy pants on and get back in touch with her if that's what he wants.
    Or put it behind him, treat it as a learning curve and get back out there.
    Of course, you can always look in the mirror whilst telling him this.
    • harrys nan
    • By harrys nan 9th Aug 18, 5:58 PM
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    harrys nan
    It's not a friend; it's you, isn't it OP?
    Originally posted by Alikay
    Does it really matter?
    Someone has come on here asking for advice and if it is himself that he is talking about, so what? Not everyone feels ok admitting they have a problem with stuff, so if he gets the advice he needs/wants that's all that matters
    Treat other's how you like to be treated.

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    • badmemory
    • By badmemory 9th Aug 18, 6:06 PM
    • 2,305 Posts
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    badmemory
    If they finished 3 months ago then unless they had been dating for 3 years or more SHE has moved on. She had moved on in her mind before they even had the conversation, that just cast it in stone.


    Maybe if he leaves it a couple of years he may stand a chance but right now very unlikely.
    • JamesFuller
    • By JamesFuller 10th Aug 18, 9:32 AM
    • 85 Posts
    • 56 Thanks
    JamesFuller
    Do you think pride can get in the way in these situations?

    She might like him but isn't contacting and he likes her but is not contacting because he thinks she may have moved on or it really is a break-up or is waiting for her to make the move.

    He really wants to contact her still after 3 months to tell her he likes her but is holding back because he thinks she might use the message to show off the message to her friends and still say no.

    One thing he mentioned was how much she used to tell him about her friends private lives. He isn't the judging type, had some opinions but always thought there are two sides to a story so didn't judge her friends for some spicy things going on in their lives.

    I guess he thinks about it from a pride point of view where his contact will get used as a way of judging him by her and her friends.
    • hazyjo
    • By hazyjo 10th Aug 18, 9:52 AM
    • 11,147 Posts
    • 14,785 Thanks
    hazyjo

    I have a friend who has realised he loves his ex-girlfriend after she broke up with him.
    Originally posted by JamesFuller
    It took a year and a half, and a break-up to realise? Had he not even told he loves her during that time? If he has been saying it, why if he's only just realised he loves her?


    Seems very slow moving to me, especially given their ages.


    Had she never said anything during their time together? Very rare for someone to sit on and not mention it and just dump them giving that as a reason. Either they were trying to be kind and finding an excuse rather than the truth, or they're sick of telling them and nothing ever changing.


    I doubt very much your friend can change his personality and how he expresses himself, so would IMO be more suited to someone else as it's likely to go back to exactly how it was before they broke up.
    2018 wins: Single Malt Whisky; theatre tickets; festival tickets; year of gin(!); shoes; Thai cooking stuff; Jo Brand talk; Slime Factory; Flawless tickets; Comedy night tickets; Triominos
    • ognum
    • By ognum 10th Aug 18, 9:57 AM
    • 4,621 Posts
    • 7,404 Thanks
    ognum
    Op one thing I feel you or your friend don!!!8217;t understand is the dating situation when you are a woman in your thirties.

    When you are in your teens and twenties you can remain in relationships with people who are not quite right for you as you know time is on your side.

    For many women when they are in their 30s they will give it a few months to a year for a mature relationship to develop and after that they need to move on.

    Women in many instances have a perminant relationship and children as a thought in thier mind and at 32 they are aware that time is not on their side. The body clock moves faster and faster.

    I would guess and of course it is only a guess that your friends ex has decided he is not the one and has moved on. Why or how she made the judgement is not for us to say.

    I am of course aware before anyone jumps on my head that this is not true of all women.
    • getmore4less
    • By getmore4less 10th Aug 18, 1:28 PM
    • 33,653 Posts
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    getmore4less
    They had been together 18 months did they never go out with other couples or groups, most of the time there is at least one person or a couple that knows both sides well enough to know if there is any chance of reconciliation.

    to paraphrase.
    is it a case of he is a bit of a D**k but were good together
    a case of he is a bit of D**k you are well shot.


    If the former can they broker even if it is messages bloke<->male mate<->girfriend<->Ex.


    Oh and women don't just talk to other women about this sort of stuff, they will talk to blokes but most of the time blokes show no interest so they don't bother.
    • davidwood681
    • By davidwood681 10th Aug 18, 3:46 PM
    • 697 Posts
    • 2,102 Thanks
    davidwood681
    Hello all,

    I have a friend who has realised he loves his ex-girlfriend after she broke up with him.

    One of the stated reasons she gave is she thought he didn't like her as much as she did. During the break-up talk she gave he did say he liked her and wish he expressed it, but she said it is too late.

    It is 3 months since the break up and he is still finding it hard and thinks about her every day. What should he do?

    He feels like he doesn't have closure, but also maybe he wants a second chance.

    She hasn't contacted him since the break-up.
    Originally posted by JamesFuller
    But has he contacted her?

    I bet he's called her, text her and basically come across as needy.

    His best bet is to get on with his life and forget about her. If anything in the future happens between them it has to start for her making contact.
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