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  • FIRST POST
    • Metalmama
    • By Metalmama 8th Aug 18, 9:43 PM
    • 11Posts
    • 2Thanks
    Metalmama
    Divorced and childcare payment question
    • #1
    • 8th Aug 18, 9:43 PM
    Divorced and childcare payment question 8th Aug 18 at 9:43 PM
    Hello All,

    I am a single Mum with a 19 year old and 10 year old.

    I've been divorced just over 5 years, my ex ran up a considerable amount of debt unbeknown to me.

    Due to his finances, he pays no child support but the court order stipulates he has to pay the mortgage until the 10 year old completes his full-time education.

    I have health conditions which makes it hard for me to gain employment. I am currently doing four part time jobs to keep the house running and bills paid. Ex is on £40k and has remarried, has been on multiple holidays this year, including going to Australia at Christmas, meaning I have the 10 year old for 3 Christmas' running. He pays NOTHING towards the kids. I kit my eldest out for uni, and buy them both all their essentials such as uniform, clothes etc.

    Recently he took our son out of school for a short break despite me requesting him not to do so. As a result, I paid for a childcare session which my son missed due to his Dad's plans.

    I have asked my ex for the monies and was told as it was my arrangement, he was not going to pay it. So if this is the case, I could pay for multiple sessions and he could take our son and I would still have to pay them. Right.......

    I don't think this is right at all. Does anyone know if this is true? Makes no sense if it is.

    He also changes his weekends over and I get no consultation, leaving me to cancel my plans to accomodate his requirements.

    Last edited by Metalmama; 08-08-2018 at 9:45 PM.
Page 2
    • pinkshoes
    • By pinkshoes 9th Aug 18, 9:38 PM
    • 16,009 Posts
    • 22,014 Thanks
    pinkshoes
    Sounds to me like you need to be more assertive with your ex.

    You REQUESTED your ex not to take him out of school but still let him??? (I'm assuming you are residential parent so had the option to say NO...)

    WRITE to your ex and agree when he will be having his son then stick to it.

    Do NOT let him change dates. If he genuinely can't do one weekend, then Agree that he stays with you, but do NOT go swapping dates.

    He pays mortgage instead of maintenance. That is fair. You can calculate how much he shiuld be paying, and if this is less than the mortgage then keep quiet!

    As for the childcare thing, annoying indeed, but you didn't LOSE money. You just didn't gain money.
    Should've = Should HAVE (not 'of')
    Would've = Would HAVE (not 'of')

    No, I am not perfect, but yes I do judge people on their use of basic English language. If you didn't know the above, then learn it! (If English is your second language, then you are forgiven!)
    • foolofbeans
    • By foolofbeans 9th Aug 18, 11:15 PM
    • 370 Posts
    • 451 Thanks
    foolofbeans
    Recently he took our son out of school for a short break despite me requesting him not to do so. As a result, I paid for a childcare session which my son missed due to his Dad's plans.
    Originally posted by Metalmama
    Just wait until you get penalty notice for the school absence - that will be another £60 you will have to cough up
    • Comms69
    • By Comms69 10th Aug 18, 1:56 AM
    • 4,899 Posts
    • 4,905 Thanks
    Comms69
    Sounds to me like you need to be more assertive with your ex.

    You REQUESTED your ex not to take him out of school but still let him??? (I'm assuming you are residential parent so had the option to say NO...) - both parents have the same say on this.

    WRITE to your ex and agree when he will be having his son then stick to it. - ask donít tell, unless another battle is wanted

    Do NOT let him change dates. If he genuinely can't do one weekend, then Agree that he stays with you, but do NOT go swapping dates.

    He pays mortgage instead of maintenance. That is fair. You can calculate how much he shiuld be paying, and if this is less than the mortgage then keep quiet! - but if itís more...

    As for the childcare thing, annoying indeed, but you didn't LOSE money. You just didn't gain money.
    Originally posted by pinkshoes
    Some of that post comes across as quite controlling and manipulative
    • Comms69
    • By Comms69 10th Aug 18, 1:58 AM
    • 4,899 Posts
    • 4,905 Thanks
    Comms69
    Given half of full time workers earn less than £550 a week (£28k a year) and half of part time workers earn less than £180 per week (£9500 a year), I would suggest that its unrealistic for some rather than most.
    Originally posted by unholyangel
    Iím not talking about the wage but rather running a 4 person household on £20k and enjoying holidays abroad...
    • Scorpio33
    • By Scorpio33 10th Aug 18, 10:11 AM
    • 525 Posts
    • 744 Thanks
    Scorpio33
    Iím not talking about the wage but rather running a 4 person household on £20k and enjoying holidays abroad...
    Originally posted by Comms69

    Or in the OP's perspective, running a 4 person household + the mortgage on another property.

    Of course most of it depends on the mortgage. In the south, one mortgage would be circa £800 a month, so you would be talking £1600 a month before any other bills.
    • Scorpio33
    • By Scorpio33 10th Aug 18, 10:17 AM
    • 525 Posts
    • 744 Thanks
    Scorpio33
    Hello All,

    I am a single Mum with a 19 year old and 10 year old.

    I've been divorced just over 5 years, my ex ran up a considerable amount of debt unbeknown to me.

    Due to his finances, he pays no child support but the court order stipulates he has to pay the mortgage until the 10 year old completes his full-time education.

    I have health conditions which makes it hard for me to gain employment. I am currently doing four part time jobs to keep the house running and bills paid. Ex is on £40k and has remarried, has been on multiple holidays this year, including going to Australia at Christmas, meaning I have the 10 year old for 3 Christmas' running. He pays NOTHING towards the kids. I kit my eldest out for uni, and buy them both all their essentials such as uniform, clothes etc.

    Recently he took our son out of school for a short break despite me requesting him not to do so. As a result, I paid for a childcare session which my son missed due to his Dad's plans.

    I have asked my ex for the monies and was told as it was my arrangement, he was not going to pay it. So if this is the case, I could pay for multiple sessions and he could take our son and I would still have to pay them. Right.......

    I don't think this is right at all. Does anyone know if this is true? Makes no sense if it is.

    He also changes his weekends over and I get no consultation, leaving me to cancel my plans to accomodate his requirements.

    Originally posted by Metalmama

    From what I can understand, your frustration is down to the thoughtlessness of your ex towards you.

    As you understand, it is better to keep things amicable and arrange it between you both.

    In the case of the days childcare, could you have cancelled the session before if you knew in advance? If this is the case, then you need to speak to your ex so this situation doesn't arise again in the future. The only thing I would say, is that it sounds like he did tell you in advance, but you disagreed with him taking your son out of school - which is why the costs was then incurred. The issue then is that you are frustrated that he ignores your wishes, and he will be frustrated at not being allowed to take his son away. Communication is the key and you need to agree ground rules - perhaps no time out of school is one of them?

    Similarly with the spreadsheet of dates - talk to him about it and make him understand the impact it has on you having so much uncertainty. You need to know definite plans in advance and I don't think that is unreasonable.
    • Metalmama
    • By Metalmama 14th Aug 18, 6:34 PM
    • 11 Posts
    • 2 Thanks
    Metalmama
    What is it you are most aggrieved about - the missed child care session, or that you have "a pathetic spreadsheet with dates on and they have been changed without asking." Would it help to have a proper parenting plan that covers all aspects of your child's upbringing, and agreement on how you will both parent your child?
    Originally posted by Rubik
    As it stands, I am doing all the parenting. Son is spending a week with his Dad for the first time this Summer and only as I have asked. So in 24 weeks of school holidays over two years, he has had one week with him in all that time.
    • Metalmama
    • By Metalmama 14th Aug 18, 6:37 PM
    • 11 Posts
    • 2 Thanks
    Metalmama
    How much did the missed session cost?
    Originally posted by Rubik
    It was £6.52 but I don't even earn £6,500 and we are on a permanent budget.
    • Metalmama
    • By Metalmama 14th Aug 18, 6:42 PM
    • 11 Posts
    • 2 Thanks
    Metalmama
    OP you've said he earns 40k but I'm assuming that is what he did earn when you divorced or is it reviewed every year? For all you know he could be on a lot more now.....

    I get you're feeling aggrieved but he is paying you, just in the form of the mortgage.

    The 19 year old is an adult, mine worked the summer before uni to kit themselves out as they knew I didn't have the spare cash. Why are you still buying him clothes ?

    Just out of curiosity, when the youngest leaves school I'm guessing you'll have to give the ex a percentage of the house, especially if he's been paying the mortgage all these years
    Originally posted by anna_1977
    I don't buy the 19 y o clothes and they have got a job in the uni holidays. It's the younger one that I am kittting out.
    Yes, when the 10 y o completes his education, ex will get a a percentage of the house.
    • Metalmama
    • By Metalmama 14th Aug 18, 6:50 PM
    • 11 Posts
    • 2 Thanks
    Metalmama
    Sounds to me like you need to be more assertive with your ex.

    You REQUESTED your ex not to take him out of school but still let him??? (I'm assuming you are residential parent so had the option to say NO...)

    WRITE to your ex and agree when he will be having his son then stick to it.

    Do NOT let him change dates. If he genuinely can't do one weekend, then Agree that he stays with you, but do NOT go swapping dates.

    He pays mortgage instead of maintenance. That is fair. You can calculate how much he shiuld be paying, and if this is less than the mortgage then keep quiet!

    As for the childcare thing, annoying indeed, but you didn't LOSE money. You just didn't gain money.
    Originally posted by pinkshoes
    I'm the resident parent and asked a solicitor but was told as it is joint parental responsibility, I had no jurisdiction to say no. There is nothing in writing in terms of that responsibilty and was told that was only the case if there was an issue, and time spent with each parent is usually mutally agreed.
    • Rubik
    • By Rubik 15th Aug 18, 9:39 AM
    • 202 Posts
    • 350 Thanks
    Rubik
    As it stands, I am doing all the parenting. Son is spending a week with his Dad for the first time this Summer and only as I have asked. So in 24 weeks of school holidays over two years, he has had one week with him in all that time.
    Originally posted by Metalmama
    It's exhausting doing the vast majority of the parenting, with little to no rest from the daily strains - been there too.

    I think sorting out a routine where your son spends regular time with Dad needs to be a priority, build on the week that your son has spent with Dad this summer and explain the positives to your ex. (son enjoyed spending time with you going fishing/walking/playing football etc), and that you believe that son would benefit from spending regular time with him. I've previously suggested using a parenting plan to set out all the arrangements for your child, and is far more comprehensive that a spreadsheet with dates.

    it's not right or fair to either your child or you that the previously "agreed" dates on the spreadsheet are changed on a whim - he really needs to be more considerate and take his parenting responsibilities seriously. (I guess you already recognise this!).

    I don't even earn £6,500 and we are on a permanent budget
    Have you run a benefits check to make sure you are receiving all the benefits you may be entitled to? Have a look here - https://www.entitledto.co.uk/
    • andydownes123
    • By andydownes123 15th Aug 18, 9:49 AM
    • 346 Posts
    • 454 Thanks
    andydownes123
    Yes that is correct.

    It is the mortgage he is paying only.
    Originally posted by Metalmama

    How much is your mortgage - considerably more than child care I reckon. I think you've got a good deal personally.
    • davidwood681
    • By davidwood681 15th Aug 18, 10:36 AM
    • 646 Posts
    • 1,913 Thanks
    davidwood681
    Hello All,

    I am a single Mum with a 19 year old and 10 year old.

    I've been divorced just over 5 years, my ex ran up a considerable amount of debt unbeknown to me.

    Due to his finances, he pays no child support but the court order stipulates he has to pay the mortgage until the 10 year old completes his full-time education.

    I have health conditions which makes it hard for me to gain employment. I am currently doing four part time jobs to keep the house running and bills paid. Ex is on £40k and has remarried, has been on multiple holidays this year, including going to Australia at Christmas, meaning I have the 10 year old for 3 Christmas' running. He pays NOTHING towards the kids. I kit my eldest out for uni, and buy them both all their essentials such as uniform, clothes etc.

    Recently he took our son out of school for a short break despite me requesting him not to do so. As a result, I paid for a childcare session which my son missed due to his Dad's plans.

    I have asked my ex for the monies and was told as it was my arrangement, he was not going to pay it. So if this is the case, I could pay for multiple sessions and he could take our son and I would still have to pay them. Right.......

    I don't think this is right at all. Does anyone know if this is true? Makes no sense if it is.

    He also changes his weekends over and I get no consultation, leaving me to cancel my plans to accomodate his requirements.

    Originally posted by Metalmama
    This sentence shows where the true resentment stems from.

    Take him to court. I bet you'll end up with less
    • Jojo the Tightfisted
    • By Jojo the Tightfisted 15th Aug 18, 11:20 AM
    • 24,973 Posts
    • 100,286 Thanks
    Jojo the Tightfisted
    Definitely irritating, but for under a tenner, I don't think it's worth getting wound up about.

    When it comes to last minute changes, a calm 'well, I'm not going to be there' and following it up with not actually being there tends to reduce it happening again - that's how I stopped the youngest being dropped back by 1pm Saturday because he'd got bored with her - and then a repeat stopped 4pm Sunday being turned into 10am for exactly the same reason. The most effective one, though, was not being in the country for the week (two nights, actually, but if I'd said that, she'd still have been dropped off 5 days early). Three occurrences in total, nowhere near as much messing about with dates and days afterwards.


    There's no point getting wound up about how much his wife earns. She can spend her money on what she wants, and if she's got enough money to pay for holidays as well as bills, that's her business.

    And considering the rows people have about wanting kids for Christmas, I'd take having the LO three times as a result, as at least you aren't getting all the everyday stuff but not the special days.


    It will, however, get easier in a couple of years when the youngest is old enough to be home alone after school until you get in from work - by working all this time, you'll be in a better position to get a single job with normal hours/to work around your health, if you aren't already looking for something more substantial.

    In short, try not to stress over the small things, do what you can to minimise his actions inconveniencing you and take lots of deep breaths. You can't make an ex be reliable or the parent you want them to be, but you don't have to do everything he wants all the time.
    I could dream to wide extremes, I could do or die: I could yawn and be withdrawn and watch the world go by.

    Yup you are officially Rock n Roll
    Originally posted by colinw
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