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  • FIRST POST
    • Mylife
    • By Mylife 3rd Jul 18, 8:19 PM
    • 48Posts
    • 89Thanks
    Mylife
    Messed up
    • #1
    • 3rd Jul 18, 8:19 PM
    Messed up 3rd Jul 18 at 8:19 PM
    I slept with a married man, yes I know it was wrong but what's done is done. I'm now 8wks pregnant and have decided to keep the baby. I did not want to involve the father, but he guessed it was his and eventually I admitted it. I can look /provide tor the baby alone. Financially I'm in a good place. he seems excited, wants accompany me to all my appointments, is suggesting names etc. I have tried to tell him that I do not wish to still be involved with him but he keeps calling, texting asking how I am.He is also offering money but I have said no. I'm thinking of moving and changing my no, but that would mean leaving my well paid job . Any suggestions on how I can deal with this.

    yes I know I was wrong
Page 14
    • onwards&upwards
    • By onwards&upwards 13th May 19, 7:31 AM
    • 329 Posts
    • 626 Thanks
    onwards&upwards
    I would certainly like that, so far no one has offered but they visit all the time. My mum stayed with us for a few weeks after birth. Deep down I think she is disappointed but she doesn't say. I have not told my family the truth about the father.
    Originally posted by Mylife

    Did his poor wife ever find out? I hope sheís left him.
    • Mylife
    • By Mylife 13th May 19, 6:36 PM
    • 48 Posts
    • 89 Thanks
    Mylife
    Thanks everyone, Deann I will speak to my family and ask I they could mind the baby once in a while to give me time to myself.
    Newbutold I don't know much about CMS but I think if I chose to go through them he would pay much less than he is prepared to pay ,probably to keep me quiet and not contact the wife
    Onwards I doubt the wife knows,his sister would have told me. I think his eldest knows something though but not about the baby.
    I will wait and see how things develop
    • UKTigerlily
    • By UKTigerlily 14th May 19, 7:18 AM
    • 4,473 Posts
    • 5,634 Thanks
    UKTigerlily
    Congratulations on your baby, i'm sure she's beautiful
    I really do feel that you need to be honest, all relationships should be built upon trust, even the one you have with your Daughter
    If she finds you lied, which she will, she will wonder what else you lied about and won't be able to trust you
    She is innocent, she has the absolute right to know her Dad, Aunties/Uncles/Cousins/Grandparents and siblings
    If I found out my parents hadn't told me about older half siblings, i'd disown them in a heartbeat
    It is up to him to tell his Wife, not you, but everyone should know.

    How will you bring your Daughter up and tell her to not lie, or punish her for lying, when you're telling the biggest one of all? How can you talk about trust, morals etc to her?
    You are an Adult, what if something happens to you? It should then be her Father raising her.

    What about when she finds out and realises she missed time with her Dad & siblings? She has the right to know him, and to have him in her life, as does he
    That baby didn't ask for this, or deserve this. Yes, it's hard, my own Dad cheated, BUT it will be way harder when she finds out, which she will, and you have to explain why you decided she couldn't know her family


    Also, she should come first. HER, NOT how anyone else feels, she should be your priority. If she grows up knowing about her Dad and siblings, she won't be hurt. If his other children are hurt, that is on HIM. Your baby is YOUR priority and shouldn't be kept a secret.


    Plus, he did this to his other kids Mother, so probably will sleep with other women and have kids with them too, especially as this he's got away with. Only a coward doesn't face up to mistakes; teach your Daughter that humans make mistakes and we must learn from them, but that she's very much loved and wanted
    • Dimps_123
    • By Dimps_123 14th May 19, 8:05 AM
    • 92 Posts
    • 274 Thanks
    Dimps_123
    Many congratulations!! I'd read your initial posts back in July last year and its lovely to hear your wonderful news.


    In my humble opinion, I find it incredible how so many people take it upon themselves to tell you what to do. Only you know what to do, how to handle situations, how to pick yourself up and get on with it. Only you know what really happened, why and what to do next. Of course in an ideal world we'd all bring our children up in the best possible family environment we can provide them - but funnily enough this world isn't ideal, things happen, mistakes are made, we are after all only human. Its how we pick ourselves up that counts.


    Enjoy everything being a mum throws at you, it goes so quickly and before you know it you'll be worrying about your daughter going off into the world and making her own mistakes. Take in everything, make lots of memories and enjoy all the little things. Believe me - you have some absolutely amazing times ahead of you. Without a doubt its the best job in the world.
    DIMPS
    Working towards being debt free June 2022
    • UKTigerlily
    • By UKTigerlily 14th May 19, 8:19 AM
    • 4,473 Posts
    • 5,634 Thanks
    UKTigerlily
    Many congratulations!! I'd read your initial posts back in July last year and its lovely to hear your wonderful news.


    In my humble opinion, I find it incredible how so many people take it upon themselves to tell you what to do. Only you know what to do, how to handle situations, how to pick yourself up and get on with it. Only you know what really happened, why and what to do next. Of course in an ideal world we'd all bring our children up in the best possible family environment we can provide them - but funnily enough this world isn't ideal, things happen, mistakes are made, we are after all only human. Its how we pick ourselves up that counts.


    Enjoy everything being a mum throws at you, it goes so quickly and before you know it you'll be worrying about your daughter going off into the world and making her own mistakes. Take in everything, make lots of memories and enjoy all the little things. Believe me - you have some absolutely amazing times ahead of you. Without a doubt its the best job in the world.
    Originally posted by Dimps_123

    That is being denied to the Father. It doesn't matter if mistakes are made, the Father is known, he is willing to be involved and is clearly not a danger to the child. I see NO excuse for not telling the child she has her Dad & siblings, it is about her now. And if people come to a forum, the idea is to get opinions on all sides
    • Dimps_123
    • By Dimps_123 14th May 19, 8:35 AM
    • 92 Posts
    • 274 Thanks
    Dimps_123
    I'm sure there are many sides to this story and no doubt we don't know them all. I was certainly not encouraging a situation where either parent is kept out of the lovely job of bringing up a child. I don't believe I suggested not telling the child about her father and siblings. I merely commented that the OP will make her own decision regardless of the immediate situation.


    I totally agree the idea is to get opinions on all sides and it is interesting to get a different view point.


    I'm not entirely sure I get from the information so far that the OP has denied the father/ child the relationship - she merely sounds resigned to being a single parent (that doesn't mean the father won't be involved), it sounds like the father's wife/ family don't know - why is that the OP's sole responsibility? Ideally both parents should sit down, discuss and come to a mutual decision on how to ensure that baby gets the best from both of them. However, like I originally said the world doesn't always work that way.


    Having said all that, I'm probably slightly biased anyway as I was in a slightly similar situation, my son's father wasn't involved in his upbringing (not my choice by the way) but you can lead a horse to water and all that.......
    DIMPS
    Working towards being debt free June 2022
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 14th May 19, 8:45 AM
    • 22,479 Posts
    • 60,760 Thanks
    Pollycat
    That is being denied to the Father. It doesn't matter if mistakes are made, the Father is known, he is willing to be involved and is clearly not a danger to the child. I see NO excuse for not telling the child she has her Dad & siblings, it is about her now. And if people come to a forum, the idea is to get opinions on all sides
    Originally posted by UKTigerlily
    But is the Father willing to be involved?
    From the latest update from the OP - maybe not:

    Thanks everyone, my family are supportive but he is not. Towards the end of the pregnancy I completely stopped communicating with him.He briefly appeared after birth then disappeared. We still haven't worked out the financial aspects. Deann you are right I have never felt this tired. I'm just thankful
    Originally posted by Mylife
    Maybe the OP had something to do with that by not communicating with him but we don't know the full story of why he's disappeared.
    He certainly doesn't sound like he's willing to be involved.
    • DigForVictory
    • By DigForVictory 14th May 19, 12:52 PM
    • 9,293 Posts
    • 31,059 Thanks
    DigForVictory
    OP, I have read the entire thread, salute your courage, wish you the very best of luck & urge you to make a Will.

    Include a letter of wishes with the facts as they stand currently in case you don't get around to telling everyone the whole truth. It's almost the worst way to find out, but it's there in case anyone can't (or won't) pass on your story.

    Print out the whole thread if you want, so the time-lapse & change as it happened can be seen, as can your determination to keep your baby daughter. At various times she will be furious with you - this thread might help her see that you weren't wholly ecstatic with you either.

    Wishing you both long happy lives & the very best of luck.
    • hb2
    • By hb2 14th May 19, 3:37 PM
    • 347 Posts
    • 1,047 Thanks
    hb2
    I've also just read this from the start. OP, I congratulate you on the birth of your beautiful daughter, encourage you to get as much help practical as possible and you you happiness for the future.
    • BrassicWoman
    • By BrassicWoman 14th May 19, 4:59 PM
    • 2,092 Posts
    • 8,127 Thanks
    BrassicWoman
    OP, given he said he wanted t be involved and now doesn't, I would also not trust that he will pay CM. Has he funded any of the baby "start up" costs - bed, pram etc?

    If not - get that claim in.
    May 19 grocery challenge £100.79/ £200
    • Mylife
    • By Mylife 14th May 19, 6:02 PM
    • 48 Posts
    • 89 Thanks
    Mylife
    Thank you everyone for the good wishes,I'm feel blessed to have a daughter.
    Uktigerlily you are right my daughter deserves more, at the moment I think we are both burying our heads in the sand. I would say both of us do not know how to proceed. At some stage we will have to sit and talk. Also as we work together (he is still a boss or senior) to me we will definitely end up interacting. As for meeting siblings etc thank God there is still time to work things through. Now is not the time.
    Dimps thank you,being a parent has made me see things in a different light. Unfortunately the situation is not ideal and if I am honest I do not know what to do. Sometimes I think I should tell everyone the truth but that would cause more problems ie if I told my family that he is married, my mum would probably hate him.At the moment they just think it didn't work out and I refuse to say more.
    I have resigned to be a single mother. At the moment we are not in contact as I felt he was pushing for more. When I said no ,he punished us by no contact. He has however provided financial support.
    Polly most of your early advice was spot on. I just don't know how we are going to sort out this. I thought of telling his wife (stressed) at one stage but like I have said before its spiteful and not my place. His sister knows and has been supportive.
    Digforvictory I agree one day I will have to explain. At the moment I have nothing to say .I just hope when the time comes I will be able to deal with it.
    H2b thank you for your kind words I hope everything works out. Its early days and I guess I need time. I plan to go back to work when she is 6-8 months but it may change. I was thinking of looking for a new job but I like my work place.
    Brassic at the moment he has given us a large sum ,I dont know if it will continue .I think that's a bribe so I don't tell the wife. I will have to speak to him some time so we can come to an arrangement.
    • BrassicWoman
    • By BrassicWoman 14th May 19, 9:18 PM
    • 2,092 Posts
    • 8,127 Thanks
    BrassicWoman
    Brassic at the moment he has given us a large sum ,I dont know if it will continue .I think that's a bribe so I don't tell the wife. I will have to speak to him some time so we can come to an arrangement.
    Originally posted by Mylife
    I'm so sorry. You are worth better. Everyone is.
    May 19 grocery challenge £100.79/ £200
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 15th May 19, 7:20 AM
    • 22,479 Posts
    • 60,760 Thanks
    Pollycat
    I'm so sorry. You are worth better. Everyone is.
    Originally posted by BrassicWoman
    Above anyone else, this innocent child is worth better.
    This baby girl deserves to have her Father support her financially - whether he wishes to have a relationship with her or not.
    • barbiedoll
    • By barbiedoll 15th May 19, 9:05 PM
    • 4,948 Posts
    • 13,647 Thanks
    barbiedoll
    You definitely should get child maintenance sorted out with some sort of formal arrangement. Itís all very well him dropping by with ďlarge sumsĒ at the moment, but you will need a reliable source of income, even if you do intend to go back to work.

    With him as your boss, you could be in a very precarious position at work, especially if he wants more from you than you are prepared to give. And what about taking leave if/when your daughter is unwell and canít be left at nursery or with a childminder? As a single parent, this responsibility will be left with you alone, you need to make sure that you will have enough money without having to ask him for cash, which he may or may not decide to give you. Supporting his child shouldnít be a choice, it is his responsibility, whether he is married to someone else or not. You alone didnít make a ďmistakeĒ, you both did (not that I think your daughter is a mistake, but you know what I mean) so he needs to stop faffing about and sort things out properly.

    Donít listen to people online who insist that you should tell his wife etc, you donít need the drama at the moment, Iím sure youíre exhausted enough. Do ask your mum/family to help you, your mum may well be a little disappointed now, but thatís just at the situation, I donít suppose for a minute that she is disappointed with her granddaughter at all.

    Good luck, I know it all seems a bit overwhelming at the moment, but it will get better. Just concentrate on yourself and your baby for now, itís a precious time and nothing else matters at present.
    "I may be many things but not being indiscreet isn't one of them"
    • Snowbird
    • By Snowbird 16th May 19, 6:24 PM
    • 66 Posts
    • 79 Thanks
    Snowbird
    I slept with a married man, yes I know it was wrong but what's done is done. I'm now 8wks pregnant and have decided to keep the baby. I did not want to involve the father, but he guessed it was his and eventually I admitted it. I can look /provide tor the baby alone. Financially I'm in a good place. he seems excited, wants accompany me to all my appointments, is suggesting names etc. I have tried to tell him that I do not wish to still be involved with him but he keeps calling, texting asking how I am.He is also offering money but I have said no. I'm thinking of moving and changing my no, but that would mean leaving my well paid job . Any suggestions on how I can deal with this.

    yes I know I was wrong
    Originally posted by Mylife
    You may not want him in your life, but how would you feel if, when your child was older and able to understand things, he/she asked about their dad and you said "well he wanted to be involved but I said no" Your child would quite rightly be peeved that, however good a job you did as a parent he/she was brought up with no father and it was your fault?
    • seven-day-weekend
    • By seven-day-weekend 16th May 19, 6:35 PM
    • 32,473 Posts
    • 64,318 Thanks
    seven-day-weekend
    Hello everyone,just want to update those kind people who gave me good advice. I now have a beautiful daughter and yes we are alone.
    Originally posted by Mylife
    Congratulations on the birth of your daughter xx
    Member #10 of £2 savers club
    Imagine someone holding forth on biology whose only knowledge of the subject is the Book of British Birds, and you have a rough idea of what it feels like to read Richard Dawkins on theology: Terry Eagleton
    • Mylife
    • By Mylife 16th May 19, 6:37 PM
    • 48 Posts
    • 89 Thanks
    Mylife
    barbiedoll thank you for your thoughtful comments. We have to communicate and discuss the situation re financial issues. At the moment we are not talking. He wants more ,he promised this and that if I agreed to continue with the relationship.

    Going back to work is giving me anxiety as I don't know how our work relationship will be affected. Whilst we do not work at the same site we do communicate regularly and have meetings that we both attend. Also he comes to my office at times.Also I'm dreading questions from colleagues about who is the father etc. I will have to make up a name and say he is not interested

    As for telling the wife I agree it's not my business. I have already caused enough damage and telling will only hurt the children. My daughter is still a baby so it won't affect her for a few years.

    My mum has been brilliant with her granddaughter. She has offered financial support even though we do not need it at the moment. Her disappointment is because she wanted more for me.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 16th May 19, 6:51 PM
    • 22,479 Posts
    • 60,760 Thanks
    Pollycat
    You may not want him in your life, but how would you feel if, when your child was older and able to understand things, he/she asked about their dad and you said "well he wanted to be involved but I said no" Your child would quite rightly be peeved that, however good a job you did as a parent he/she was brought up with no father and it was your fault?
    Originally posted by Snowbird
    Have you read the whole thread?
    You've quoted the OP's first post which was almost a year ago.
    Over the course of the thread, the OP's stance on a number of things changed - although there does seem to currently be a breakdown of communication which doesn't sound like the OP's fault.
    • Mylife
    • By Mylife 16th May 19, 6:54 PM
    • 48 Posts
    • 89 Thanks
    Mylife
    Sevenday thank you very much despite the situation not being ideal I'm so happy tired but happy. I wish I had a seven'day'!weekend

    Snowbird at the moment I don't know how to deal with it. He is not making it easy by pushing for more. When I said no he threw a tantrum to the point where I had to cut contact. At one time I said he can visit with his sister but he said no. He wants to visit on his own We are being punished. Things will have to change but I honestly don't know how.
    • Mylife
    • By Mylife 16th May 19, 6:58 PM
    • 48 Posts
    • 89 Thanks
    Mylife
    Pollycat thank you I remember much of your advice when I 1st posted. I was naive then thought I could do it my way but as most people commented the baby is as much his as its mine.i just wish I knew what to do.
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