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  • FIRST POST
    • Mylife
    • By Mylife 3rd Jul 18, 9:19 PM
    • 37Posts
    • 31Thanks
    Mylife
    Messed up
    • #1
    • 3rd Jul 18, 9:19 PM
    Messed up 3rd Jul 18 at 9:19 PM
    I slept with a married man, yes I know it was wrong but what's done is done. I'm now 8wks pregnant and have decided to keep the baby. I did not want to involve the father, but he guessed it was his and eventually I admitted it. I can look /provide tor the baby alone. Financially I'm in a good place. he seems excited, wants accompany me to all my appointments, is suggesting names etc. I have tried to tell him that I do not wish to still be involved with him but he keeps calling, texting asking how I am.He is also offering money but I have said no. I'm thinking of moving and changing my no, but that would mean leaving my well paid job . Any suggestions on how I can deal with this.

    yes I know I was wrong
Page 12
    • anna_1977
    • By anna_1977 7th Aug 18, 2:18 PM
    • 780 Posts
    • 1,048 Thanks
    anna_1977
    I appreciate that. I'm trying to get away from the phrase: "urge you to put his name on the certificate"


    This isn't a choice. In fact the father could add his name later if he so chose. Without her consent. (though it may require a court order to do so)


    The sooner control phrases are phased out, the sooner there will be equal rights and responsibilities between parents.
    Originally posted by Comms69
    The phrasing wasn't great I appreciate.

    Roll on equal rights, the inequality between the full time and part time parents is shocking!
    • Mylife
    • By Mylife 20th Aug 18, 4:43 PM
    • 37 Posts
    • 31 Thanks
    Mylife
    Hello guys, I have been away on holiday and could not log in. I am grateful for all the advice.
    smodlet I do not hold any power over the baby but am trying to be practical, I realise at the end of the day it will be me and the baby alone. He has his family and can never be in our lives properly.
    Comms69 you are right , he has to put his name but I'm hoping he agrees with me putting my name instead. Its not ideal but I am trying to protect him , I do not want his children finding out.
    Twinkletoes , after the good advice I got, I have accepted that it is important that he play a part in the baby's life. If you read my posts, initially my decisions were based on panic, fear and embarrassment.
    Savvy Sue I cannot tell the wife, I know the truth is best but unfortunately sometimes its kinder to say nothing. I cannot ask him to tell her as he might think I want him to leave her. Also we have to think of the kids.
    Polly thank you for your sound advice ,I am glad I asked strangers for advice, its not easy to talk to family given the circumstance.
    Anna1976 i truly appreciate your kind words.



    my family have been great although I think my mum is hiding her disappointment. My sister has offered to come with me for the first scan. Unfortunately because I sort of hinted that it was a one night stand, they (family) think I am completely alone hence wanting to accompany me to appointments. I cannot tell them that he wants to come as well, that will just create more questions.
    • gettingtheresometime
    • By gettingtheresometime 20th Aug 18, 6:02 PM
    • 4,086 Posts
    • 10,349 Thanks
    gettingtheresometime
    The trouble with telling half truths is that at some point further half truths or even complete lies have to be told, just to keep the pretence going - been on both sides of the fence of that particular story & it's not nice, especially when it's people who you love and love you.
    Lloyds OD / Natwest OD / PO CC / Wescott / Argos Card cleared thanks to the 1 debt v 100 day challenge


    Next on the list - JD Williams
    • DrivingMissDaisy
    • By DrivingMissDaisy 20th Aug 18, 8:24 PM
    • 52 Posts
    • 35 Thanks
    DrivingMissDaisy
    How long before a thread "My baby daddy wants to be in my life but I have a new man in my life"
    • Savvy_Sue
    • By Savvy_Sue 20th Aug 18, 10:31 PM
    • 39,058 Posts
    • 35,947 Thanks
    Savvy_Sue
    How long before a thread "My baby daddy wants to be in my life but I have a new man in my life"
    Originally posted by DrivingMissDaisy
    I think the next one will be "his wife found out and threw him out."

    OP: I'm not suggesting you should tell his wife. I'm suggesting HE should do so. You can make it clear that you don't want him moving in with you before he does so.

    You think you are protecting the innocent, but you and he are engaging in half-truths and as gettingthere has already said, these things have a habit of coming out.

    He's deceiving his wife and family. You're deceiving your family. You're deceiving yourself if you think this is going to last. Presumably you'll attempt to deceive your child as well.

    It'll end in tears.
    Still knitting!
    Completed: 1 adult cardigan, 3 baby jumpers, 3 shawls, 1 sweat band, 3 pairs baby bootees,
    1 Wise Man Knitivity figure + 1 sheep, 2 pairs socks, 2 hats 2 balaclavas for seamen, 1 balaclava for myself ...
    Current projects: Poppies, mohair cardigan pattern arrived and going strong!
    • Margaret52129
    • By Margaret52129 22nd Aug 18, 11:18 AM
    • 260 Posts
    • 354 Thanks
    Margaret52129
    I have sat here for the past hour reading these posts.

    One thing that I can say with certainty, is that no-one can predict the future of how this, or any, event will ever turn out.

    My sister had a child with a married man who was a neighbour with 2 children, she pretended it wasn't happening! The father and family moved away without (?) knowing. 2 years later she had another child with someone else, un-named.

    Two years later she met a guy, they fell in love, married and had 2 children together. He adopted her two children and brought them all up as his own and all his large family accepted them as his. They had 43 years of happy marriage until he sadly died 2 years ago.

    I say all this because you never know how things will work out. Just do your best, be honest to yourself, and if you do not want certain things to be known, ie, the father being a married man, then don't tell anyone.

    What's happened has happened and cannot be undone, it isn't the first time anything like this has happened, and it certainly won't be the last.

    I always say there's a reason why things happen, good or bad, you might not know why it does at the time, but at some point in the future you realise why it did!

    Babies are precious and can cope with any life they are dealt with because they know of nothing else - it is others around them that can destroy them.

    I applaud you Mylife in your openness and wish you the best of luck in the future.
    • harrys nan
    • By harrys nan 22nd Aug 18, 1:33 PM
    • 1,503 Posts
    • 2,996 Thanks
    harrys nan
    Well. I have to say I have changed my mind about you, I did say I thought you were selfish in not wanting to involve the baby's dad, this was down to the fact I didn't know my dad as my parents divorced when I was very little. After reading all of your posts, I can kinda see where you're coming from. Although I never knew my dad, I always grew up knowing about him but time was very different when I was a kid.
    I still hope he has some involvement in the baby but I guess you must do what right for you, just please do not shut the door totally on him having any contact. Good luck with everything
    Treat other's how you like to be treated.

    Harry born 23/09/2008
    New baby grandson, Louie born 28/06/2012,
    Proud nanny to two beautiful boys
    • Smodlet
    • By Smodlet 22nd Aug 18, 4:43 PM
    • 4,180 Posts
    • 7,485 Thanks
    Smodlet
    smodlet I do not hold any power over the baby but am trying to be practical, I realise at the end of the day it will be me and the baby alone. He has his family and can never be in our lives properly.
    Originally posted by Mylife

    You "do not hold any power over the baby"? Are you real? You hold complete and absolute power over it and you are the only one who does. At the moment you hold literally the power of life and death over it as you could still opt to abort it. When are you going to wake up and take responsibility for your actions? This is not only your life you are messing around with. Do you ever think of your unborn child? God help it.
    What is this life if, sweet wordsmith, we have no time to take the pith?
    Every stew starts with the first onion.
    I took it upon myself to investigate a trifle; it had custard, jelly, soggy sponge things...
    • Savvy_Sue
    • By Savvy_Sue 22nd Aug 18, 11:15 PM
    • 39,058 Posts
    • 35,947 Thanks
    Savvy_Sue
    I have sat here for the past hour reading these posts.

    One thing that I can say with certainty, is that no-one can predict the future of how this, or any, event will ever turn out.

    My sister had a child with a married man who was a neighbour with 2 children, she pretended it wasn't happening! The father and family moved away without (?) knowing. 2 years later she had another child with someone else, un-named.

    Two years later she met a guy, they fell in love, married and had 2 children together. He adopted her two children and brought them all up as his own and all his large family accepted them as his. They had 43 years of happy marriage until he sadly died 2 years ago.
    Originally posted by Margaret52129
    I think not telling anyone who the father is CAN work out OK if the father is off the scene, completely, utterly, not around - or completely unacknowledged. Why I think the OP's situation is heading for disaster is that the father IS around, and WANTS to be involved. Which again, CAN work out OK if there's honesty and transparency.

    But what I see ending in tears is the situation where he's around - maybe not very much, but he sees the child periodically, wants to support mum etc. But his wife doesn't know. His children don't know. The OP's family don't know.

    How long before someone works it out?

    While this child is a baby, maybe it can work. But babies grow up. If the father is still 'involved' there's going to be a child who knows who his father is, but cannot acknowledge him or be acknowledged in public. If there's a chance meeting between the OP with child and the father with his family - need I say more?
    Still knitting!
    Completed: 1 adult cardigan, 3 baby jumpers, 3 shawls, 1 sweat band, 3 pairs baby bootees,
    1 Wise Man Knitivity figure + 1 sheep, 2 pairs socks, 2 hats 2 balaclavas for seamen, 1 balaclava for myself ...
    Current projects: Poppies, mohair cardigan pattern arrived and going strong!
    • fibonarchie
    • By fibonarchie 23rd Aug 18, 11:45 AM
    • 904 Posts
    • 1,553 Thanks
    fibonarchie
    I think the next one will be "his wife found out and threw him out."
    Originally posted by Savvy_Sue
    Or worse, his wife found out and smacked her one!

    https://metro.co.uk/2018/08/23/furious-wife-punched-cheating-husbands-mistress-outside-school-gates-after-discovering-affair-7873851/

    Better book a ring-side seat for that one

    It'll end in tears.
    Yup..
    Signature Removed by Forum Team ..thanks to somebody reporting a witty and decades-old Kenny Everett quote as 'offensive'!!
    • gettingtheresometime
    • By gettingtheresometime 23rd Aug 18, 11:49 AM
    • 4,086 Posts
    • 10,349 Thanks
    gettingtheresometime

    While this child is a baby, maybe it can work. But babies grow up. If the father is still 'involved' there's going to be a child who knows who his father is, but cannot acknowledge him or be acknowledged in public. If there's a chance meeting between the OP with child and the father with his family - need I say more?
    Originally posted by Savvy_Sue


    If there was contact between the child & the father I'm guessing the true relationship would never be acknowledged and the father would simply be passed off as a friend of Mum's.
    Lloyds OD / Natwest OD / PO CC / Wescott / Argos Card cleared thanks to the 1 debt v 100 day challenge


    Next on the list - JD Williams
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 23rd Aug 18, 12:17 PM
    • 20,874 Posts
    • 56,212 Thanks
    Pollycat
    Pity she didn't choose to punch her cheating husband instead/as well.


    After all, he was the one who stood beside her at their wedding.


    He's the one she should have been furious with.
    • gettingtheresometime
    • By gettingtheresometime 23rd Aug 18, 12:29 PM
    • 4,086 Posts
    • 10,349 Thanks
    gettingtheresometime
    Pity she didn't choose to punch her cheating husband instead/as well.


    After all, he was the one who stood beside her at their wedding.


    He's the one she should have been furious with.
    Originally posted by Pollycat

    If I'd been her then it would be his bank balance that would be suffering rather than me risking a charge of assault.
    Lloyds OD / Natwest OD / PO CC / Wescott / Argos Card cleared thanks to the 1 debt v 100 day challenge


    Next on the list - JD Williams
    • Savvy_Sue
    • By Savvy_Sue 23rd Aug 18, 4:19 PM
    • 39,058 Posts
    • 35,947 Thanks
    Savvy_Sue
    If there was contact between the child & the father I'm guessing the true relationship would never be acknowledged and the father would simply be passed off as a friend of Mum's.
    Originally posted by gettingtheresometime
    Oh yes, of course. A rather special friend, who gives rather special presents. Probably like an uncle, only better. And a special friend with a remarkable likeness to the baby. Yes, I can really see that working.

    And at the other end, what's the father saying to his family, his children? Of course, nothing, it's all kept secret, covered up with lies, the perfect foundation for a happy family.
    Still knitting!
    Completed: 1 adult cardigan, 3 baby jumpers, 3 shawls, 1 sweat band, 3 pairs baby bootees,
    1 Wise Man Knitivity figure + 1 sheep, 2 pairs socks, 2 hats 2 balaclavas for seamen, 1 balaclava for myself ...
    Current projects: Poppies, mohair cardigan pattern arrived and going strong!
    • Mylife
    • By Mylife 24th Aug 18, 8:57 PM
    • 37 Posts
    • 31 Thanks
    Mylife
    Gettingthere, it's true when you tell half truths you have to keep the pretence, I felt cornered hence not telling the truth to family. At the moment my family think I'm a victim of an unscrupulous man (strongly hinted at one night stand)but if I were to say I knew he was married, that would open a can of worms.

    drivingmiss, I will have to deal with it at some stage, I hope even if I have another partner we can keep things civil.

    Savysue, I know it would be the right thing for him to tell her, but what good would that achieve? people will be hurt especially the kids, I would rather we both keep quiet. In future the truth might come out but I will deal with it then.Also if he told her and she kicked him out, then what? I also do not want him. It's all a mess

    Margaret521, thank you for your kind thoughtful words, despite what I have done I hope in future I will meet someone and start a family.

    Harrysnan, thank you for your words, I do hope I'm doing the right thing. I know it's not going to be easy . As for him being in the baby's life , this is the right thing I just hope we come to an amicable agreement .

    Smodlet, I don't understand what you mean, you say responsibility?what do you propose I do? I have accepted that I will mostly be a single parent, how else can I take responsibility?

    Polly, if the wife found out and punched us , we deserve it. As gettingthere says "it would be his bank balance...." I think that would be his 2nd fear after losing his kids.
    • klew356
    • By klew356 29th Aug 18, 3:52 PM
    • 327 Posts
    • 1,877 Thanks
    klew356
    Any update? I still stand by he should help financially, it doesn’t matter if you can manage without him it could be a nest egg for the future, especially if he is wanting some sort of involvement?
    Hope the scan went well?
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 30th Aug 18, 6:14 AM
    • 20,874 Posts
    • 56,212 Thanks
    Pollycat
    Any update? I still stand by he should help financially, it doesn’t matter if you can manage without him it could be a nest egg for the future, especially if he is wanting some sort of involvement?
    Hope the scan went well?
    Originally posted by klew356
    I thought the OP had decided a while ago to accept the offer of financial help...
    • klew356
    • By klew356 30th Aug 18, 8:12 AM
    • 327 Posts
    • 1,877 Thanks
    klew356
    I thought the OP had decided a while ago to accept the offer of financial help...
    Originally posted by Pollycat
    oh maybe she has and i have missed it, how he hides it from the wife im not sure?
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 30th Aug 18, 3:43 PM
    • 20,874 Posts
    • 56,212 Thanks
    Pollycat
    oh maybe she has and i have missed it, how he hides it from the wife im not sure?
    Originally posted by klew356
    I believe it was early on in the thread.
    I think it was a knee-jerk reaction by the OP but she realised after various posts that not to accept financial help from the father of the child would be unfair on the child.

    Maybe he and his wife have separate finances. I believe he has a well paid job.
    • Mylife
    • By Mylife 30th Aug 18, 5:19 PM
    • 37 Posts
    • 31 Thanks
    Mylife
    Klew356 the scan went well, I had to take him and for that afternoon I felt like we were a family honestly I enjoyed seeing him again, of course he had to go home at the end of the day.I did test the waters by asking him what if people at work saw us what would we say, he said he didn't care.Whilst we don't work together , we have in the past worked in the same office and are in the same field with mutual colleagues. My sister is heartbroken I didn't go with her but I made excuses and have promised to take her to the next one. I'm thinking of booking a private scan so I can take my family with me.
    As for financial help, I remain conflicted although I will follow the advice given on the forum. I am not sure how to go about it, do I ask for a lump sum or a monthly allowance?anyone with advice pls help. How much is acceptable without seeming greedy?
    As for finances, its is the only thing he can offer without causing problems, I doubt the wife knows exactly how much he earns. I maybe wrong though .On the day of the scan we spoke of car seats, buggies etc and he suggested we change my car to a newer one with him providing the money. This makes me think he still thinks we are an item .

    I haven't got the courage to ask about the wife ie what she might do if she found out.
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