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  • FIRST POST
    • Mylife
    • By Mylife 3rd Jul 18, 9:19 PM
    • 38Posts
    • 36Thanks
    Mylife
    Messed up
    • #1
    • 3rd Jul 18, 9:19 PM
    Messed up 3rd Jul 18 at 9:19 PM
    I slept with a married man, yes I know it was wrong but what's done is done. I'm now 8wks pregnant and have decided to keep the baby. I did not want to involve the father, but he guessed it was his and eventually I admitted it. I can look /provide tor the baby alone. Financially I'm in a good place. he seems excited, wants accompany me to all my appointments, is suggesting names etc. I have tried to tell him that I do not wish to still be involved with him but he keeps calling, texting asking how I am.He is also offering money but I have said no. I'm thinking of moving and changing my no, but that would mean leaving my well paid job . Any suggestions on how I can deal with this.

    yes I know I was wrong
Page 11
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 31st Jul 18, 2:12 PM
    • 20,991 Posts
    • 56,561 Thanks
    Pollycat
    Best of luck going forward, Mylife.
    • klew356
    • By klew356 1st Aug 18, 10:07 AM
    • 349 Posts
    • 1,955 Thanks
    klew356
    I think sooner or later your going to have to decide for yourself and your child, whether you want him 100% or 0%. bearing in mind do you want your child growing up without a contact/father figure/ good luck with whatever you decide.
    • hollydays
    • By hollydays 1st Aug 18, 10:24 AM
    • 16,520 Posts
    • 12,653 Thanks
    hollydays
    A baby. That's the wonderful bit.Sounds like you'll make an excellent mother.
    • Mylife
    • By Mylife 1st Aug 18, 4:05 PM
    • 38 Posts
    • 36 Thanks
    Mylife
    messed up
    Polly thank you for your good wishes
    Holly that's really kind, i just wish i had made a better choice but I cannot change it. I hope I will be a good parent.
    Klew: you are right (deep down I want 0% of him in our life) but of course I have to do the right thing. How much he will be involved is another question as he has another family so cannot be available all the time. Financially it will be easier for him than to be there physically. at most he can only see us during work times and the odd weekend.

    Finorbirchie, I have not really discussed with him about putting his name on the birth certificate,I would prefer the baby to have my last name, my reason of not putting him would be to protect him as well. If his wife was to find out it would create more problems. However I have to think of the baby as well.

    Chelsea I agree its the right thing, unfortunately. I will have to think about it and maybe discuss it with him. humans don't always chose the right thing
    • Comms69
    • By Comms69 1st Aug 18, 4:16 PM
    • 5,556 Posts
    • 5,653 Thanks
    Comms69
    Polly thank you for your good wishes
    Holly that's really kind, i just wish i had made a better choice but I cannot change it. I hope I will be a good parent.
    Klew: you are right (deep down I want 0% of him in our life) but of course I have to do the right thing. How much he will be involved is another question as he has another family so cannot be available all the time. Financially it will be easier for him than to be there physically. at most he can only see us during work times and the odd weekend.

    Finorbirchie, I have not really discussed with him about putting his name on the birth certificate,I would prefer the baby to have my last name, my reason of not putting him would be to protect him as well. If his wife was to find out it would create more problems. However I have to think of the baby as well.

    Chelsea I agree its the right thing, unfortunately. I will have to think about it and maybe discuss it with him. humans don't always chose the right thing
    Originally posted by Mylife

    it's irrelevant, you aren't married, you cant put his name on even if you wanted to.


    As for contact, leave it open for 6-12 months and see.


    A number of studies suggest men struggle to bond with babies and develop stronger bonds from around age 3 onwards; this is often down to the style of interaction and play that they can have with the child.
    • Lioness Twinkletoes
    • By Lioness Twinkletoes 1st Aug 18, 4:17 PM
    • 1,382 Posts
    • 4,866 Thanks
    Lioness Twinkletoes
    Overwhelming sadness right here. That poor baby and it's (unknown) siblings. They're the losers here. It's frightening how much power the OP has over her innocent child.
    • Smodlet
    • By Smodlet 1st Aug 18, 4:55 PM
    • 4,197 Posts
    • 7,508 Thanks
    Smodlet
    Overwhelming sadness right here. That poor baby and it's (unknown) siblings. They're the losers here. It's frightening how much power the OP has over her innocent child.
    Originally posted by Lioness Twinkletoes
    It is frightening how much power all mothers have over their innocent children.
    What is this life if, sweet wordsmith, we have no time to take the pith?
    Every stew starts with the first onion.
    I took it upon myself to investigate a trifle; it had custard, jelly, soggy sponge things...
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 1st Aug 18, 5:07 PM
    • 20,991 Posts
    • 56,561 Thanks
    Pollycat
    Overwhelming sadness right here. That poor baby and it's (unknown) siblings. They're the losers here. It's frightening how much power the OP has over her innocent child.
    Originally posted by Lioness Twinkletoes
    Do you mean because their Father's actions mean there is the potential to screw up the children's lives if they find out?

    Or because it's possible that the siblings will never know each other?
    • Mummy2cheekymonkeys
    • By Mummy2cheekymonkeys 1st Aug 18, 5:29 PM
    • 181 Posts
    • 1,285 Thanks
    Mummy2cheekymonkeys
    it's irrelevant, you aren't married, you cant put his name on even if you wanted to.


    As for contact, leave it open for 6-12 months and see.


    A number of studies suggest men struggle to bond with babies and develop stronger bonds from around age 3 onwards; this is often down to the style of interaction and play that they can have with the child.
    Originally posted by Comms69
    When my son was born 6 months ago and I made an appointment to register his birth I was told that if I wasn't married but wanted my partners name on the certificate then he would need to attend the appointment with me. If we were already married I just had to take the marriage certificate with me. So the father could be put on the birth certificate but he would need to attend the appointment.
    • chelseablue
    • By chelseablue 1st Aug 18, 5:31 PM
    • 2,638 Posts
    • 3,058 Thanks
    chelseablue
    When my son was born 6 months ago and I made an appointment to register his birth I was told that if I wasn't married but wanted my partners name on the certificate then he would need to attend the appointment with me. If we were already married I just had to take the marriage certificate with me. So the father could be put on the birth certificate but he would need to attend the appointment.
    Originally posted by Mummy2cheekymonkeys
    Same here. Our son was born before we got married so we both had to go to the registration appointment
    Mortgage starting balance £231,000
    Mortgage after Year 1 £225,000
    Mortgage after Year 2 £218,000
    • Savvy_Sue
    • By Savvy_Sue 1st Aug 18, 6:44 PM
    • 39,188 Posts
    • 36,105 Thanks
    Savvy_Sue
    it's irrelevant, you aren't married, you cant put his name on even if you wanted to.
    Originally posted by Comms69
    When my son was born 6 months ago and I made an appointment to register his birth I was told that if I wasn't married but wanted my partners name on the certificate then he would need to attend the appointment with me. If we were already married I just had to take the marriage certificate with me. So the father could be put on the birth certificate but he would need to attend the appointment.
    Originally posted by Mummy2cheekymonkeys
    Same here. Our son was born before we got married so we both had to go to the registration appointment
    Originally posted by chelseablue
    Indeed, don't any of you remember the excitement when it transpired that Ed Milliband wasn't on the birth certificate for either of his children, because he'd not gone to the registry office with their mum!

    BUT having the father's name on the birth certificate is actually not relevant to how the child is named or known. The OP can register her name as the child's surname.

    However I'm astonished the OP still seems to think the wife might not find out. Personally I'd rather not have that hanging over me: I'd encourage him to tell her.
    Still knitting!
    Completed: 1 adult cardigan, 3 baby jumpers, 3 shawls, 1 sweat band, 3 pairs baby bootees,
    1 Wise Man Knitivity figure + 1 sheep, 2 pairs socks, 2 hats, 2 balaclavas for seamen, 1 balaclava for myself, multiple poppies, 3 peony flowers, 4 butterflies ...
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    • Comms69
    • By Comms69 1st Aug 18, 7:05 PM
    • 5,556 Posts
    • 5,653 Thanks
    Comms69
    When my son was born 6 months ago and I made an appointment to register his birth I was told that if I wasn't married but wanted my partners name on the certificate then he would need to attend the appointment with me. If we were already married I just had to take the marriage certificate with me. So the father could be put on the birth certificate but he would need to attend the appointment.
    Originally posted by Mummy2cheekymonkeys
    Yes, but YOU ( or the OP ) donít put his name on it, HE does.
    • Lioness Twinkletoes
    • By Lioness Twinkletoes 1st Aug 18, 8:26 PM
    • 1,382 Posts
    • 4,866 Thanks
    Lioness Twinkletoes
    Do you mean because their Father's actions mean there is the potential to screw up the children's lives if they find out?

    Or because it's possible that the siblings will never know each other?
    Originally posted by Pollycat
    I mean because the OP seems determined to keep the child's father entirely out of its life. They've both behaved extremely badly but he does, at least, seem to want to get to know his child. She seems determined to stop him.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 1st Aug 18, 10:32 PM
    • 20,991 Posts
    • 56,561 Thanks
    Pollycat
    I mean because the OP seems determined to keep the child's father entirely out of its life. They've both behaved extremely badly but he does, at least, seem to want to get to know his child. She seems dermined to stop him.
    Originally posted by Lioness Twinkletoes
    Determined to stop him?
    Is she really?
    I wonder just how much of the thread you've actually read.
    I posted this in response to someone who said the same as you have:
    That might have been the OP's stance when she first started the thread but I think you'll find that she's taken on board lots of the comments about excluding the Father from their child's life and has changed her mind on that.
    Originally posted by Pollycat
    The post that I replied to has either been deleted by the OP or mods but you can read it in my post #185.
    In fact, it's here:

    Originally Posted by bare
    It's not about the affair or about you or the father; it's about your attitude to your unborn child. You don't seem to care about the implications of removing the father from the child's life, you only want to minimise the discomfort for yourself, short-term. I'm not talking about money here.

    It's my gut feeling that tells me that something's fishy in your story - maybe not all of it but most likely much of it.. I might be wrong but that's what I believe and I trust my instinct more than anything else.

    I wish all the children in this story best of luck, and strength to cope with all the !!!! you adults are putting them through.
    Last edited by Pollycat; 02-08-2018 at 7:15 AM.
    • Seanymph
    • By Seanymph 4th Aug 18, 9:40 AM
    • 2,700 Posts
    • 18,105 Thanks
    Seanymph
    If I was to encourage you to do one thing it would be to put his name as father on the birth certificate - for that everyone is right, he has to attend the registration appointment with you - but you can use any surname you want.

    Any other decision you take can be revisited later quite easily - you can ask for money if you need it, once your child is asking about a dad that he's never met you could arrange that.............. the birth certificate and that 'unknown' will continue to haunt your child, and his future family.
  • archived user
    It is frightening how much power all mothers have over their innocent children.
    Originally posted by Smodlet
    and that is why people must take charge of their own fertility.
    • anna_1977
    • By anna_1977 7th Aug 18, 10:51 AM
    • 782 Posts
    • 1,052 Thanks
    anna_1977
    Hi Mylife

    I'm pleased to read you've told the family, I'm sure your mother will get used to the idea - my parents are strong christians and I got pregnant at 17!! Needless to say they were not overjoyed initially but soon got used to it and enjoyed baby shopping etc with me.

    As for the father, you know what the right thing to do it. I, like others would urge you to put his name on the certificate, this will mean him coming with you but it really is the right thing to do for the child

    Good luck
    • Comms69
    • By Comms69 7th Aug 18, 10:54 AM
    • 5,556 Posts
    • 5,653 Thanks
    Comms69
    Hi Mylife

    I'm pleased to read you've told the family, I'm sure your mother will get used to the idea - my parents are strong christians and I got pregnant at 17!! Needless to say they were not overjoyed initially but soon got used to it and enjoyed baby shopping etc with me.

    As for the father, you know what the right thing to do it. I, like others would urge you to put his name on the certificate, this will mean him coming with you but it really is the right thing to do for the child

    Good luck
    Originally posted by anna_1977
    Iím going to say this again - SHE CANT put his name on it; only HE CAN
    • anna_1977
    • By anna_1977 7th Aug 18, 1:57 PM
    • 782 Posts
    • 1,052 Thanks
    anna_1977
    Iím going to say this again - SHE CANT put his name on it; only HE CAN
    Originally posted by Comms69
    Yes as i said in my post 'THIS WILL MEAN HIM COMING WITH YOU'
    as in he has to be the one to do it!!
    • Comms69
    • By Comms69 7th Aug 18, 2:00 PM
    • 5,556 Posts
    • 5,653 Thanks
    Comms69
    Yes as i said in my post 'THIS WILL MEAN HIM COMING WITH YOU'
    as in he has to be the one to do it!!
    Originally posted by anna_1977


    I appreciate that. I'm trying to get away from the phrase: "urge you to put his name on the certificate"


    This isn't a choice. In fact the father could add his name later if he so chose. Without her consent. (though it may require a court order to do so)


    The sooner control phrases are phased out, the sooner there will be equal rights and responsibilities between parents.
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