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    • plantsandflowers
    • By plantsandflowers 10th Jun 18, 7:02 PM
    • 22Posts
    • 7Thanks
    Elderly stepchild
    • #1
    • 10th Jun 18, 7:02 PM
    Elderly stepchild 10th Jun 18 at 7:02 PM
    I'll try and keep it brief. Mum 87. Step dad 80. Married 54 years. Sister 63 who has never left home has never really seen eye to eye with step dad. Told me about a year ago that step dad was hiding things around the house. She believed he was trying to drive his wife crazy so he could put her in a nursing home! She went on to say she believed he was seeing someone else. A woman who walked her dog past the house. For almost a year. she has not produced a shred of "evidence". No one has ever seen him with another woman. He doesn't even know who this other woman is. My sister has somehow persuaded my mum that he has at the least got the hots for this woman who walks past the house. For 8 weeks my dad has been living with me because he cannot get past the firewall which is my sister. He cannot live with me for ever but when he goes back " home" The house he jointly owns with my mum and has lived in for 40 years. My sister calls the police who ask him to leave to (defuse the situation). He has been for a dementia test and passed with flying colours. The Dr believed every word he said. (The test was requested by my sister and mum). My mum is almost blind and deaf and cannot use a phone without help! My dad want my sister out of his house but my mum says she can stay. So my dad now finds himself sleeping on a settee until something gives. We have hit a brick wall and really have no idea what to do next.
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    • plantsandflowers
    • By plantsandflowers 15th Jun 18, 9:02 PM
    • 22 Posts
    • 7 Thanks
    She refuses to go to the doctor. She sees no reason to. She just "knows" she is right yet she still doesn't produce any evidence for any accusations. She told my DSD the only reason he can deny it is because he knows she can't prove it. I mean,how can you argue with someone like that? The problem still remains. Dad can't go home. His wife hates him (for seeing another woman) and my sister doesn't believe she is doing anything wrong.
    • Morglin
    • By Morglin 16th Jun 18, 9:29 AM
    • 14,659 Posts
    • 26,975 Thanks
    I would take Dad to a solicitor to establish what rights he has, how the house is owned, and his advice about how to proceed.

    Meanwhile, keep the pressure up on social services - they have a duty of care towards your dad, as well as your mum.

    Good luck

    You can tell a lot about a woman by her hands..........for instance, if they are placed around your throat, she's probably slightly upset.
    • neneromanova
    • By neneromanova 18th Jun 18, 2:03 PM
    • 2,913 Posts
    • 6,893 Thanks
    Try ringing Age UK for some advice
    DD1 Born 31st March 2008
    DD2 Born 29th August 2010
    DS1 Born 28th October 2013
    Got Married 15th September 2012 Now Mrs Clark

    • Newly retired
    • By Newly retired 19th Jun 18, 9:38 AM
    • 2,406 Posts
    • 2,816 Thanks
    Newly retired
    Donít waste money on a solicitor until you know how the house is owned, joint tenants or tenants-in-common. This is key information to find out first.
    • plantsandflowers
    • By plantsandflowers 28th Jun 18, 9:31 PM
    • 22 Posts
    • 7 Thanks
    Back again. Been waiting for things to happen. Social services paid mum a visit. I went with them but was kicked out by mum because I called my sister a liar. S.S said no imminent danger. Coming to see dad next week but don't hold out much hope. Dad resigned himself to the fact that after 55 years his marriage is over. So what next. A divorce at 80 years old? He will need to reluctantly ask for the house to be sold. 50 50 split. I known there is no way mum will agree. Or rather sister and mum will agree. Why would they? They are in the house. Its a big mess. He still cannot access his money from the frozen account. Mum denies he left 4000 in the house. She told S.S he took it with him (he didn't) so god knows where that is or if she is lying. I suspect the latter. Is it time for solicitor's to get involved? How can he even pay them. Imagine what it's going to cost. The house is a joint tenancy. Any thoughts what he can do next?
    • Starchaser
    • By Starchaser 5th Jul 18, 5:42 PM
    • 8 Posts
    • 36 Thanks
    Hi plantsandflowers,

    I can't offer any practical advice but wanted to wish you and your family well, and hope that someone may be able to help at this point.

    Your sister sounds a bit like an old neighbour of mine. She never moved out of home until well after her parents died when she was around 40, stopped working shortly after (she was registered disabled but I feel she may have been able to do some work if she tried, she was able enough). When she eventually moved, she went into a local retirement home in her early 50s.

    Neighbour was never diagnosed with any mental illnesses (that I know of) but she had certain... quirks. She had several fallings-out with long-standing family friends, possibly family as well. Word is that she's been causing problems in her new area. Though she was always nice to me, to be fair.

    Not quite the same, but if your sister is like my old neighbour I can understand how difficult it might be to get through to her.
    • plantsandflowers
    • By plantsandflowers 5th Jul 18, 9:47 PM
    • 22 Posts
    • 7 Thanks
    Impossible to get through to her. My dad has decided to take his name off all utility bills but he's concerned that this might be a bad move legally. But why should he continue to pay all the bills when he can't even access his own money from the frozen bank account? The problem is,the red reminder letters will all be in his name while my mum and sister sit in the house using the gas water electric, phone. Internet etc. They even had the cheek to send via taxi a house insurance renewal letter. Crazy. The insurance payments come out of the frozen account. So even if he wanted to continue to pay it, he couldn't. The whole thing is bonkers.
  • archived user
    How is his pension being paid? Hope its not into the joint account.
    • plantsandflowers
    • By plantsandflowers 6th Jul 18, 11:07 AM
    • 22 Posts
    • 7 Thanks
    Pension is going into joint account. He needs to get it paid into his own (new) account. Unfortunately his policy documents are at the house. Getting them isn't going to be easy.
  • archived user
    Have you contacted age concern? They may be of help.
    • badmemory
    • By badmemory 6th Jul 18, 8:22 PM
    • 2,419 Posts
    • 3,721 Thanks
    Hopefully as the account is frozen it will not accept payments in. If the payment bounces back they may well write to him & if "they" think there is something in it for them he may get the letter passed on.
    • Top Girl
    • By Top Girl 7th Jul 18, 1:33 PM
    • 1,183 Posts
    • 8,229 Thanks
    Top Girl
    Your dad needs to phone 901 and arrange for a PC or PCSO to accompany him onto the property to collect his paperwork if nothing else. You should go too. Ideally with a video camera.

    Both of you need to be absolutely calm throughout this and all dealings with sister and mum. Box clever. If they are as you say, your calmness will make your sister misbehave in front of witnesses. Self control is paramount here. Go home and rant at each other afterwards if you need to. At this stage, you need to be bulletproof.
    • plantsandflowers
    • By plantsandflowers 9th Jul 18, 9:04 PM
    • 22 Posts
    • 7 Thanks
    He already did that. They turned up. He told them he needed to collect some paperwork. Mum objected. Police told HIM to leave and consult a solicitor. He tried to play them the recording of him being assaulted. They didn't want to know.
    • plantsandflowers
    • By plantsandflowers 19th Aug 18, 12:51 AM
    • 22 Posts
    • 7 Thanks
    I know this thread is a bit old now but I've been waiting for things to happen. Dads found himself a flat now. Moves in next week. He went back to his house last week for some paperwork he needed for I.D . Two days ago he received a solicitors letter. Saying as he was removed by the police previously (he wasn't "removed" he volunteered to go )and he has harassed and molested his wife. (He hasn't) Any further attempt to enter his own house will be met with an immediate non molestation and occupancy order being placed on him. She won't even let him take anything from the house. She won't Even talk about selling and she will still not unfreeze the bank account! She has no evidence of any molestation. How could she? But now he finds himself not even able to get his own clothing without the chance of a court order being placed upon him. It is all so unfair. The guy is broken.
    • Morglin
    • By Morglin 19th Aug 18, 7:32 AM
    • 14,659 Posts
    • 26,975 Thanks
    He really needs to see a solicitor.

    You can tell a lot about a woman by her hands..........for instance, if they are placed around your throat, she's probably slightly upset.
    • Kynthia
    • By Kynthia 19th Aug 18, 9:58 AM
    • 5,445 Posts
    • 7,623 Thanks
    He's legally entitled to his possessions. Talk to a solicitor about how to go to court for them. Divorce and obtaining his share of the martial assets could be the step after that.
    Don't listen to me, I'm no expert!
    • HampshireH
    • By HampshireH 19th Aug 18, 1:56 PM
    • 1,391 Posts
    • 1,707 Thanks
    Hopefully his pension etc is now being paid into a new account and he is no longer named on any household bills. If the internet for example was in just his name he can transfer that to his new flat.

    Solicitor ASAP is the way to go. Especially as your mum is that way inclined.

    He may also wish to amend his will to ensure his assets go where he wamts them to when the time comes and not directly to someone who is being so manipulative (as in the case of your sister who seems to be puppetering your mum)

    I know it early but a lot of older people wait and then its often too late.

    I wish you well with everything
    • plantsandflowers
    • By plantsandflowers 19th Aug 18, 4:27 PM
    • 22 Posts
    • 7 Thanks
    I know a solicitor is needed really, we were attempting to get as far as we could without resorting to legal means. He has written two letters asking to be allowed in his home without abuse etc. There is the irony, she is threatening him with a non molestation order! Believe me, if you heard the recordings he has make when he has gone back for a few clothes etc, you would understand the abuse he has suffered. The problem is, after he had paid his rent, council tax etc, he will have about £80 a week to live on, so how the heck can he afford to pay a solicitor? I don't know if mum and sister will be getting legal aid? Is it even worth fighting a molestation/occupation order? He has moved out now and only wants a very few things from the house. He doesn't want to see them or live there. I'm sure if it went before a judge (well almost) that he would have a good chance of having any allegations of abuse dismissed with the evidence he has got, ( about 3 hours of audio recordings every time he has gone back).

    What he really wants to do now is look to the future. Realistically, what would be his chances of forcing a sale of the house? My mum believes that at her age 87, no court in the land would force her to sell her house or move out of her own home. Meanwhile after 55 years of marriage and working all his life, my dad finds himself living in a one bedroom flat with not so much as a bed to sleep in. Would it be a better idea to sever the tenancy in common and go for a joint tenancy? This mess is getting out of control.
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