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  • FIRST POST
    • last mile
    • By last mile 5th Jun 18, 2:27 PM
    • 62Posts
    • 265Thanks
    last mile
    It's Complicated
    • #1
    • 5th Jun 18, 2:27 PM
    It's Complicated 5th Jun 18 at 2:27 PM
    Hi All,

    I think Iím standing on the cliff of my decision around my marriage.
    I donít want to sound self-centred but I am at the point now where I am almost deciding to just not go home after work.
    There hasnít been anything major since the hen night fiasco but I have a big birthday coming up soon and it has me thinking.
    Is this how I want to continue?
    Am I ready to walk away if it means saving myself.

    A bit of back story is that my husband has been diagnosed with depression and anxiety but it made the last few years really difficult.
    He also uses it as a cover for his demanding and controlling ways (which have been going on much longer).
    If we separate it will be more difficult on him in terms of money and job as his is closely linked to my family and I suspect he wonít want to continue working there.

    I am just struggling and it just looks like a huge complicated maze I cannot see a way through.

    Sorry I just needed to put this out there.
Page 11
    • spirit
    • By spirit 2nd Jul 18, 1:47 PM
    • 2,738 Posts
    • 6,255 Thanks
    spirit
    Oh I'm still out of the house.
    yes we talk, daily which i am trying to break the habit of.
    but i didn't see him from Monday till Saturday.
    it was one of my big birthdays this weekend and i was having a night out.
    he still attended but i shut down all attempts at affection and relationship moves.
    i was out to have fun and he wasn't going to stop me.
    its a weird situation which i wasn't prepared for and i know i have brought on myself but i am trying to resolve it to where he understands this isnt fixable.
    i have told him several times that i dont feel it is but hes still thinks otherwise.
    Originally posted by last mile


    It's like ripping a plaster off LM, it hurts at first but best done swiftly.


    I don't think it serves your purpose to prolong the agony by constantly talking to him.


    And belated Happy Birthday.
    Mortgage free as of 10/02/2015. Every brick and blade of grass belongs to meeeee.
    • Mummy2cheekymonkeys
    • By Mummy2cheekymonkeys 2nd Jul 18, 2:04 PM
    • 181 Posts
    • 1,285 Thanks
    Mummy2cheekymonkeys
    Wow what an awkward situation. How lucky for him that his anxiety and other mental health problems didnt play up for once and he was able to go out (trying not to sound too sarcastic). Did he spend the whole night telling you he wanted to go home and then keep texting to ask what time you were going home? Or was he on surprisingly good behaviour?
    • last mile
    • By last mile 2nd Jul 18, 2:16 PM
    • 62 Posts
    • 265 Thanks
    last mile
    he was on "surprising good behavior" lol
    i was having none of it, he was treated as part of the group and we went of separate ways where he got a train back home and i left in a taxi with a few friends.

    i know its like ripping a plaster but i already pulled one plaster and then gave myself another boo boo. I'm not ready to pull that plaster yet.

    though if his constant insistance i speak with him atleast 3 times a day keeps up i will be soon.
    Last edited by last mile; 02-07-2018 at 2:25 PM. Reason: spelling
    • Mummy2cheekymonkeys
    • By Mummy2cheekymonkeys 2nd Jul 18, 2:39 PM
    • 181 Posts
    • 1,285 Thanks
    Mummy2cheekymonkeys
    he was on "surprising good behavior" lol
    Originally posted by last mile
    How strange. It's almost as if he can pick and choose when the problems flair up. It's almost as if he is faking them
    • Primrose
    • By Primrose 2nd Jul 18, 3:36 PM
    • 8,404 Posts
    • 29,530 Thanks
    Primrose
    You've been gone a week now. I think it,s time to start drastically reducing your contacts with him and if you really do feel you need to remain in some form of contact I,d strongly suggest you don,t fall into the habit of phoning, say every Friday night at 8 pm or whatever.

    I think yiu need to avoid any suggestion that that your relationship is getting back into a regular routine. He will see that as the first sign that you're slowing working towards a reconciliation . If you feel you MUST contact him appear to do it on a completely irregular basis at times which are convenient to you or he'll have you programmed and responding to his needs againbefore you realise whats happening.
    Last edited by Primrose; 02-07-2018 at 3:39 PM.
    • BrassicWoman
    • By BrassicWoman 3rd Jul 18, 7:13 AM
    • 1,877 Posts
    • 7,511 Thanks
    BrassicWoman
    You are doing well.


    Can you arrange to be doing something after work one night this week, and then set yourself a small goal of not picking up the phone or answering texts just for that day you are busy?


    After one day, it gets easier. Remind yourself
    - paid to work, not text and
    - rude to be taking calls when you are with friends


    And remember most people would see that as "normal"
    Jan 18 grocery challenge £105.13/ £150
    • Smodlet
    • By Smodlet 3rd Jul 18, 9:05 AM
    • 4,197 Posts
    • 7,506 Thanks
    Smodlet
    Well done, last mile and Happy Birthday... You're a big girl, now and old enough to make your own decisions and stick to them.

    Had I been in that situation at your birthday party, I would have had him thrown out. That might just have been a message that got through but I know you are not me. I am still proud of you, for whatever that's worth.

    All together now, one, two, three:

    Happy Birthday, last mile,
    Happy Birthday, last mile,
    Happy Birthday, dear miley,
    Happy Birthday, last mile.

    What is this life if, sweet wordsmith, we have no time to take the pith?
    Every stew starts with the first onion.
    I took it upon myself to investigate a trifle; it had custard, jelly, soggy sponge things...
    • Primrose
    • By Primrose 3rd Jul 18, 10:02 AM
    • 8,404 Posts
    • 29,530 Thanks
    Primrose
    it must have been an uncomfortable birthday celebration with him there, but hopefully in future, your next birthday party will be very different! Look forward to doing that one completely on your own terms. Hopefully by then you will be living a new life and will have moved on.
    • Stoodles
    • By Stoodles 6th Jul 18, 7:37 AM
    • 721 Posts
    • 9,014 Thanks
    Stoodles

    i know its like ripping a plaster but i already pulled one plaster and then gave myself another boo boo. I'm not ready to pull that plaster yet.

    though if his constant insistance i speak with him atleast 3 times a day keeps up i will be soon.
    Originally posted by last mile

    What do you gain by speaking with him 3 times a day?
    • Mummy2cheekymonkeys
    • By Mummy2cheekymonkeys 6th Jul 18, 9:30 AM
    • 181 Posts
    • 1,285 Thanks
    Mummy2cheekymonkeys
    As stoodles has said. You gain nothing from speaking to him everyday. It is purely about him wanting to feel he still has control over you. I can't imagine anything worse then having to speak to him constantly and have him turn up to your birthday party. It's clear he doesn't see the relationship is over. It's like you have just gone on a little mini break to your friends. He will never leave you alone. Maybe it's time to be brutal.
    • calleyw
    • By calleyw 6th Jul 18, 11:29 AM
    • 8,905 Posts
    • 16,199 Thanks
    calleyw
    It was suggested that she get another sim.


    Which I would have done and then give the other number to everyone else.


    That way no dealing with constant calls and texts.


    Sadly until the op makes the decision her self to cut contact. He is still in control. And he is if its the truth.


    I hope she finds it within herself to do that. As long as you are in contact he will wear you down.


    Yours


    Calley x
    Hope for everything and expect nothing!!!

    Good enough is almost always good enough -Prof Barry Schwartz

    If it scares you, it might be a good thing to try -Seth Godin
    • Mummy2cheekymonkeys
    • By Mummy2cheekymonkeys 7th Jul 18, 6:53 AM
    • 181 Posts
    • 1,285 Thanks
    Mummy2cheekymonkeys
    How is everything going? Are you still enjoying your new found freedom? Has he backed off yet?
    • last mile
    • By last mile 9th Jul 18, 12:31 AM
    • 62 Posts
    • 265 Thanks
    last mile
    It!!!8217;s weird to think that this thread is over a month old now and how much has changed. I!!!8217;m still at my parents and told is the 1st day since the weekend I left where I have had 0 contact.
    Not because he has finally listen but because he!!!8217;s annoyed at me.
    We had a mutual friends leaving night on Saturday, he asked about attending together and I said no that I was alright going to be out on the town with my girlfriends during the day but we would be doing dinner around 5:30 before heading over.
    I know I shouldn!!!8217;t have invited him but I just wanted to see if he!!!8217;d changed ( he hadn!!!8217;t).
    Got angry with me because my very straight forward direction to the restaurant confused him.
    Never bothered to greet or speak to my friends at all, was annoyed if wasnt just the 2 of us as he wanted to !!!8220;reconnect!!!8221; as a couple. And then ruined the whole night by being moody about it all, calling my friends poisonous and accusing them of turning me against him.
    So the decision is made, it!!!8217;s properly over and I am now making arrangements as such.
    • Primrose
    • By Primrose 9th Jul 18, 8:34 AM
    • 8,404 Posts
    • 29,530 Thanks
    Primrose
    Good!
    He has pushed to the point where you have finally seen the light. No matter how much other people tried to persuade you to make this move, it could really only happen when he pushed you to the absolute limit and you truly realised nothing would ever change.

    I think you are finally at this point now without any self doubt which is where you need to be to be able to move confidently forward knowing 100% that you are doing the right thing. Now you have a much better chance of making your new independent life successful
    • Smodlet
    • By Smodlet 9th Jul 18, 7:25 PM
    • 4,197 Posts
    • 7,506 Thanks
    Smodlet
    So far, so surprised. Well done, last mile. You have control; you just needed to realise it. For whatever it is worth, we are still here. The power is yours.
    What is this life if, sweet wordsmith, we have no time to take the pith?
    Every stew starts with the first onion.
    I took it upon myself to investigate a trifle; it had custard, jelly, soggy sponge things...
    • Smodlet
    • By Smodlet 15th Jul 18, 1:22 PM
    • 4,197 Posts
    • 7,506 Thanks
    Smodlet
    So, another week of freedom???
    What is this life if, sweet wordsmith, we have no time to take the pith?
    Every stew starts with the first onion.
    I took it upon myself to investigate a trifle; it had custard, jelly, soggy sponge things...
    • Archergirl
    • By Archergirl 15th Jul 18, 7:50 PM
    • 1,236 Posts
    • 719 Thanks
    Archergirl
    Well done but don't let your guard down, there will be tricky shenanigans from his end so don't be surprised, but you have done very well so far and are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel xx
    • last mile
    • By last mile 16th Jul 18, 4:42 PM
    • 62 Posts
    • 265 Thanks
    last mile
    Yes a whole other week of freedom,
    Apart from 5 texts messages, one to say we had a bill from council that we!!!8217;d missed payment on and when I told him I had paid it he got angry because !!!8220;we!!!8217;d discussed not paying it!!!8221;
    One to let me know i had a parcel waiting at the post office and then one to let me know hed collected it for me
    And one to ask for money because he!!!8217;s broke.

    I have given short answers to all and not responded where it was urgent or where i didnt want to.
    • Archergirl
    • By Archergirl 16th Jul 18, 5:06 PM
    • 1,236 Posts
    • 719 Thanks
    Archergirl
    Good work......hope you didn't give him any money, why did he think he could ask you for some?
    • Smodlet
    • By Smodlet 16th Jul 18, 9:33 PM
    • 4,197 Posts
    • 7,506 Thanks
    Smodlet
    I think you are seeing his true colours now, last mile.
    What is this life if, sweet wordsmith, we have no time to take the pith?
    Every stew starts with the first onion.
    I took it upon myself to investigate a trifle; it had custard, jelly, soggy sponge things...
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