Your browser isn't supported
It looks like you're using an old web browser. To get the most out of the site and to ensure guides display correctly, we suggest upgrading your browser now. Download the latest:

Welcome to the MSE Forums

We're home to a fantastic community of MoneySavers but anyone can post. Please exercise caution & report spam, illegal, offensive or libellous posts/messages: click "report" or email forumteam@.

Search
  • FIRST POST
    • Rex_Mundi
    • By Rex_Mundi 12th May 18, 8:41 PM
    • 5,353Posts
    • 4,463Thanks
    Rex_Mundi
    Stumped
    • #1
    • 12th May 18, 8:41 PM
    Stumped 12th May 18 at 8:41 PM
    I am 53 and just found out my dad wasn't my dad. I learnt this from someone I grew up with in the same street I grew up in. Apparently they all knew.

    My mum confirmed this although I never asked her more.

    I know it hurt my mum to talk even so far but I feel I have a right to know the truth. It hurts me to ask her anymore about it but I feel I have a right to know the truth.

    I am split so difficultly. I want to ask her the truth but the last thing I ever want is to hurt my mum.

    Am I wrong to bring it up with her? How do I do this without hurting my mum?
    Last edited by Rex_Mundi; 12-05-2018 at 8:51 PM. Reason: Typo
    How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
    ...
    ...
    ...
    ...
    Fish
Page 2
    • fozziebeartoo
    • By fozziebeartoo 13th May 18, 4:38 PM
    • 1,554 Posts
    • 12,607 Thanks
    fozziebeartoo
    My dads name is on my birth certificate. The guy I always thought was my dad. He died many years ago in 1974. He was the father to my next two brothers down. I know this now but it was a shock to find out he isn't my dad. He asked my mum never to let me know about my past. He did not want me to feel different from my brothers.
    Originally posted by Rex_Mundi
    He sounds like a great Dad.
    • Robisere
    • By Robisere 13th May 18, 6:15 PM
    • 2,240 Posts
    • 3,051 Thanks
    Robisere
    I have been stepdad to a ds and dd for over 30 years. They both tell me that is not true, because "There are no steps between us, you are our dad, the one who was our father was no dad at all." I cannot possibly express how much I love them both, or the 4 smashing grandchildren that I held from the day they were born. For their mother I have the greatest, most abiding love, because she saved my life: before her, I had suffered a family breakdown and the loss of two 'natural' children that I have not seen for many years. I went completely off the rails and was saved by a loving, caring, ready-made family.

    In all truth, sometimes blood relationships mean nothing, unless every family member has the same respect, love and simple care for each other.
    I think this job really needs
    a much bigger hammer.
    • swingaloo
    • By swingaloo 13th May 18, 6:23 PM
    • 1,819 Posts
    • 3,258 Thanks
    swingaloo
    however difficult it is I think you should speak to your mum about it and ask questions carefully before it becomes too late as I left it too late and now I'm so angry that I had to live a lie to keep mums secret and that they gave me no way to find my natural father. Maybe I wouldn't have done it but I'm angry the choice was taken away from me.



    I'm in a similar position. I was in my teens when I found a copy of mum and dads wedding certificate and I found out that I was 4 at the time they married.

    I was told off for asking questions and both off them refused to discuss it with me. A few years later another child of mums found her (she had given birth to this child a year after me and was not allowed by her parents to keep the 2nd child). This 2nd daughter was forced by mum and dad to stay in the background as my younger siblings did not know about my situation. They used to visit her secretly and took me to see her but she was kept as a family secret as she was a year younger than me and dad didn't want my siblings to know that he was not my biological dad.
    I had been adopted by dad after the wedding.

    I once asked mum who my biological father was and she snapped a name at me and said he lived in a nearby town and now had a family. but then clammed up and would never mention him again.


    As dad was quite a bit older than mum we always expected that he would probably pass away before mum and I thought that maybe mum would tell me more then.

    It was the other way round, mum died and then a coupe of years later I was told that the 2nd child had also died. I only met her twice and because I thought it was so wrong to pretend she did not exist I had planned to tell my siblings about her once mum and dad had passed on and introduce her to her half siblings. Sadly that could not happen.

    From my teens onwards I had to keep the secret and it was awful to do. It was like living a lie. I'm from a large family and as I'm one of the eldest of the cousins I believed that my aunts and uncles who were all on my dads side of the family would probably know but my cousins would believe I was my dads child just as my siblings believed.
    Dad told me that they would never have told me the truth if I hadn't found the wedding certificate.
    I was stunned a couple of years ago when one of my cousins showed me a family tree she was working on and it became clear looking at it that they knew the truth about my situation. She told me that it was not a secret and that as far as she knew it was common knowledge amongst my cousins.

    Dad said he did not want the others to know mum had had me before marriage and also that she had given birth to a second child. They all now know and each of them has said that they wouldn't have had negative views and they all wish they could have met the other daughter. None of them (there are 6) would have thought less of our parents and they think that mum and dad put themselves in a awful position through having to live a lie.

    So I have half siblings out there but no way of finding them. Its also not easy when any medical info is needed, my husband was adopted so my kids only have 1 grandparent out of 4 with a bloodline.

    I got a copy of my birth certificate but it is blank, because of my age I would have to have counselling before I could access the adoption papers and then there is no guarantee there would be a fathers name on it.


    Don't wait till its too late, you never know whats around the corner.
    • thorsoak
    • By thorsoak 13th May 18, 6:33 PM
    • 5,662 Posts
    • 25,914 Thanks
    thorsoak
    The man who raised you, who treated you no differently to the brothers whom he fathered, who did not want you to know so that you did not feel left out deserves to be called your father. It takes a real man to do this. Why do you need to know who was the sperm donor?

    Yes, you can ask your mother - you will probably bring up painful memories of a time when she either had to leave your birth father, or was abandoned by him - you do have a right to know - but the man who raised you still deserves your respect.
    • cjdavies
    • By cjdavies 13th May 18, 6:42 PM
    • 3,291 Posts
    • 3,507 Thanks
    cjdavies
    If she's in good health (i.e. you're not facing losing her within the next 12 months) then frankly I think you should drop it for the moment.
    Originally posted by VintageHistorian
    I disagree with this, a few months ago, around my area, a young footballer early 20's, had an heart attack on the pitch and died.
    • humptydumptybits
    • By humptydumptybits 14th May 18, 12:02 PM
    • 331 Posts
    • 696 Thanks
    humptydumptybits
    I'm currently waiting for a genetics appointment as I have found out I might have a condition that is in my father's family. My father died when I was a child and I have never had a relationship with his family. I feel quite bitter that no one ever contacted me about this condition and the dangers to myself and my children. Hopefully I will have an answer within the next 3 months, if I am positive then we wait for the tests on my children, they won't test my GC until they are adults. Secrets can be very harmful.
    • TBagpuss
    • By TBagpuss 15th May 18, 3:13 PM
    • 6,487 Posts
    • 8,414 Thanks
    TBagpuss
    I am 53 and just found out my dad wasn't my dad. I learnt this from someone I grew up with in the same street I grew up in. Apparently they all knew.

    My mum confirmed this although I never asked her more.

    I know it hurt my mum to talk even so far but I feel I have a right to know the truth. It hurts me to ask her anymore about it but I feel I have a right to know the truth.

    I am split so difficultly. I want to ask her the truth but the last thing I ever want is to hurt my mum.

    Am I wrong to bring it up with her? How do I do this without hurting my mum?
    Originally posted by Rex_Mundi
    No, you are not wrong to bring it up or to want to know more. It's similar to a situation where a person is adopted: they have a family, their parents are their 'real' parents, but it is normal, natural, and not remotely disloyal to your parents, to want to know about the birth family as well.

    I would suggest that you do approach it with your mum -you know her best, so think about whether it's likely to be best to put something in writing or to talk to her face to face (or a mixture)

    Either way, I'd suggest that you start with some of what you have said here - that your Dad is and will always be your dad, and that wanting to know who your biological father is doesn't change that. That you understand, and appreciate, that your Mum and Dad didn't tell you when you were younger for the best of reasons, that they were doing what they thought was in your best interests, and that you understand that and don't blame them at all.

    You can also say that you understand that the situation 50 years ago was very different to how things are now, in terms of families and attitudes.

    Hopefully, explicitly making those points will make it easier for your mum to accept that this is not about you rejecting or being angry with her or your Dad, but about better understanding your origins.

    I'd agree with the suggestion to avoid having the conversation on the visit for her birthday.

    Although it doesn't sound as though you were formally adopted by your Dad, you might find it helpful to look into services and support for adults adopted as children, as some of the same issues and questions arise in those situations. http://www.pac-uk.org/our-service/adopted-adults/ could be a useful place to start.

    best of luck with whatever you decide.
    • dresdendave
    • By dresdendave 15th May 18, 8:05 PM
    • 747 Posts
    • 924 Thanks
    dresdendave
    Who would you like to regard as your dad?

    The man who supported you, your mother and siblings when you were growing up?

    Or a bloke who got your mum up the duff and did a runner?
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 15th May 18, 9:11 PM
    • 29,236 Posts
    • 74,693 Thanks
    Mojisola
    Mum told me that my proper dad lied to her in the sixties and was already married. He left her pregnant alone. If I'm honest, I want to punch him for treating my mum and me like that. We deserved better.

    Thanks to mum and my dad (who I always thought was my dad). I was brought up well.
    Originally posted by Rex_Mundi
    Who would you like to regard as your dad?

    The man who supported you, your mother and siblings when you were growing up?

    Or a bloke who got your mum up the duff and did a runner?
    Originally posted by dresdendave
    That's already been answered - but knowing that you recognise the man who was your day-to-day Dad as your Dad doesn't stop you wanting to know who your genetic father was.
Welcome to our new Forum!

Our aim is to save you money quickly and easily. We hope you like it!

Forum Team Contact us

Live Stats

2,740Posts Today

6,311Users online

Martin's Twitter
  • It's the start of mini MSE's half term. In order to be the best daddy possible, Im stopping work and going off line? https://t.co/kwjvtd75YU

  • RT @shellsince1982: @MartinSLewis thanx to your email I have just saved myself £222 by taking a SIM only deal for £7.50 a month and keeping?

  • Today's Friday twitter poll: An important question, building on yesterday's important discussions: Which is the best bit of the pizza...

  • Follow Martin