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    • Rex_Mundi
    • By Rex_Mundi 12th May 18, 8:41 PM
    • 5,360Posts
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    Rex_Mundi
    Stumped
    • #1
    • 12th May 18, 8:41 PM
    Stumped 12th May 18 at 8:41 PM
    I am 53 and just found out my dad wasn't my dad. I learnt this from someone I grew up with in the same street I grew up in. Apparently they all knew.

    My mum confirmed this although I never asked her more.

    I know it hurt my mum to talk even so far but I feel I have a right to know the truth. It hurts me to ask her anymore about it but I feel I have a right to know the truth.

    I am split so difficultly. I want to ask her the truth but the last thing I ever want is to hurt my mum.

    Am I wrong to bring it up with her? How do I do this without hurting my mum?
    Last edited by Rex_Mundi; 12-05-2018 at 8:51 PM. Reason: Typo
    How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
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    Fish
Page 2
    • fozziebeartoo
    • By fozziebeartoo 13th May 18, 4:38 PM
    • 1,556 Posts
    • 12,617 Thanks
    fozziebeartoo
    My dads name is on my birth certificate. The guy I always thought was my dad. He died many years ago in 1974. He was the father to my next two brothers down. I know this now but it was a shock to find out he isn't my dad. He asked my mum never to let me know about my past. He did not want me to feel different from my brothers.
    Originally posted by Rex_Mundi
    He sounds like a great Dad.
    • Robisere
    • By Robisere 13th May 18, 6:15 PM
    • 2,386 Posts
    • 3,230 Thanks
    Robisere
    I have been stepdad to a ds and dd for over 30 years. They both tell me that is not true, because "There are no steps between us, you are our dad, the one who was our father was no dad at all." I cannot possibly express how much I love them both, or the 4 smashing grandchildren that I held from the day they were born. For their mother I have the greatest, most abiding love, because she saved my life: before her, I had suffered a family breakdown and the loss of two 'natural' children that I have not seen for many years. I went completely off the rails and was saved by a loving, caring, ready-made family.

    In all truth, sometimes blood relationships mean nothing, unless every family member has the same respect, love and simple care for each other.
    I think this job really needs
    a much bigger hammer.
    • swingaloo
    • By swingaloo 13th May 18, 6:23 PM
    • 1,862 Posts
    • 3,330 Thanks
    swingaloo
    however difficult it is I think you should speak to your mum about it and ask questions carefully before it becomes too late as I left it too late and now I'm so angry that I had to live a lie to keep mums secret and that they gave me no way to find my natural father. Maybe I wouldn't have done it but I'm angry the choice was taken away from me.



    I'm in a similar position. I was in my teens when I found a copy of mum and dads wedding certificate and I found out that I was 4 at the time they married.

    I was told off for asking questions and both off them refused to discuss it with me. A few years later another child of mums found her (she had given birth to this child a year after me and was not allowed by her parents to keep the 2nd child). This 2nd daughter was forced by mum and dad to stay in the background as my younger siblings did not know about my situation. They used to visit her secretly and took me to see her but she was kept as a family secret as she was a year younger than me and dad didn't want my siblings to know that he was not my biological dad.
    I had been adopted by dad after the wedding.

    I once asked mum who my biological father was and she snapped a name at me and said he lived in a nearby town and now had a family. but then clammed up and would never mention him again.


    As dad was quite a bit older than mum we always expected that he would probably pass away before mum and I thought that maybe mum would tell me more then.

    It was the other way round, mum died and then a coupe of years later I was told that the 2nd child had also died. I only met her twice and because I thought it was so wrong to pretend she did not exist I had planned to tell my siblings about her once mum and dad had passed on and introduce her to her half siblings. Sadly that could not happen.

    From my teens onwards I had to keep the secret and it was awful to do. It was like living a lie. I'm from a large family and as I'm one of the eldest of the cousins I believed that my aunts and uncles who were all on my dads side of the family would probably know but my cousins would believe I was my dads child just as my siblings believed.
    Dad told me that they would never have told me the truth if I hadn't found the wedding certificate.
    I was stunned a couple of years ago when one of my cousins showed me a family tree she was working on and it became clear looking at it that they knew the truth about my situation. She told me that it was not a secret and that as far as she knew it was common knowledge amongst my cousins.

    Dad said he did not want the others to know mum had had me before marriage and also that she had given birth to a second child. They all now know and each of them has said that they wouldn't have had negative views and they all wish they could have met the other daughter. None of them (there are 6) would have thought less of our parents and they think that mum and dad put themselves in a awful position through having to live a lie.

    So I have half siblings out there but no way of finding them. Its also not easy when any medical info is needed, my husband was adopted so my kids only have 1 grandparent out of 4 with a bloodline.

    I got a copy of my birth certificate but it is blank, because of my age I would have to have counselling before I could access the adoption papers and then there is no guarantee there would be a fathers name on it.


    Don't wait till its too late, you never know whats around the corner.
    • thorsoak
    • By thorsoak 13th May 18, 6:33 PM
    • 5,714 Posts
    • 26,283 Thanks
    thorsoak
    The man who raised you, who treated you no differently to the brothers whom he fathered, who did not want you to know so that you did not feel left out deserves to be called your father. It takes a real man to do this. Why do you need to know who was the sperm donor?

    Yes, you can ask your mother - you will probably bring up painful memories of a time when she either had to leave your birth father, or was abandoned by him - you do have a right to know - but the man who raised you still deserves your respect.
    • cjdavies
    • By cjdavies 13th May 18, 6:42 PM
    • 3,537 Posts
    • 3,806 Thanks
    cjdavies
    If she's in good health (i.e. you're not facing losing her within the next 12 months) then frankly I think you should drop it for the moment.
    Originally posted by VintageHistorian
    I disagree with this, a few months ago, around my area, a young footballer early 20's, had an heart attack on the pitch and died.
    • humptydumptybits
    • By humptydumptybits 14th May 18, 12:02 PM
    • 1,156 Posts
    • 2,413 Thanks
    humptydumptybits
    I'm currently waiting for a genetics appointment as I have found out I might have a condition that is in my father's family. My father died when I was a child and I have never had a relationship with his family. I feel quite bitter that no one ever contacted me about this condition and the dangers to myself and my children. Hopefully I will have an answer within the next 3 months, if I am positive then we wait for the tests on my children, they won't test my GC until they are adults. Secrets can be very harmful.
    • TBagpuss
    • By TBagpuss 15th May 18, 3:13 PM
    • 6,791 Posts
    • 8,889 Thanks
    TBagpuss
    I am 53 and just found out my dad wasn't my dad. I learnt this from someone I grew up with in the same street I grew up in. Apparently they all knew.

    My mum confirmed this although I never asked her more.

    I know it hurt my mum to talk even so far but I feel I have a right to know the truth. It hurts me to ask her anymore about it but I feel I have a right to know the truth.

    I am split so difficultly. I want to ask her the truth but the last thing I ever want is to hurt my mum.

    Am I wrong to bring it up with her? How do I do this without hurting my mum?
    Originally posted by Rex_Mundi
    No, you are not wrong to bring it up or to want to know more. It's similar to a situation where a person is adopted: they have a family, their parents are their 'real' parents, but it is normal, natural, and not remotely disloyal to your parents, to want to know about the birth family as well.

    I would suggest that you do approach it with your mum -you know her best, so think about whether it's likely to be best to put something in writing or to talk to her face to face (or a mixture)

    Either way, I'd suggest that you start with some of what you have said here - that your Dad is and will always be your dad, and that wanting to know who your biological father is doesn't change that. That you understand, and appreciate, that your Mum and Dad didn't tell you when you were younger for the best of reasons, that they were doing what they thought was in your best interests, and that you understand that and don't blame them at all.

    You can also say that you understand that the situation 50 years ago was very different to how things are now, in terms of families and attitudes.

    Hopefully, explicitly making those points will make it easier for your mum to accept that this is not about you rejecting or being angry with her or your Dad, but about better understanding your origins.

    I'd agree with the suggestion to avoid having the conversation on the visit for her birthday.

    Although it doesn't sound as though you were formally adopted by your Dad, you might find it helpful to look into services and support for adults adopted as children, as some of the same issues and questions arise in those situations. http://www.pac-uk.org/our-service/adopted-adults/ could be a useful place to start.

    best of luck with whatever you decide.
    • dresdendave
    • By dresdendave 15th May 18, 8:05 PM
    • 776 Posts
    • 956 Thanks
    dresdendave
    Who would you like to regard as your dad?

    The man who supported you, your mother and siblings when you were growing up?

    Or a bloke who got your mum up the duff and did a runner?
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 15th May 18, 9:11 PM
    • 29,790 Posts
    • 76,350 Thanks
    Mojisola
    Mum told me that my proper dad lied to her in the sixties and was already married. He left her pregnant alone. If I'm honest, I want to punch him for treating my mum and me like that. We deserved better.

    Thanks to mum and my dad (who I always thought was my dad). I was brought up well.
    Originally posted by Rex_Mundi
    Who would you like to regard as your dad?

    The man who supported you, your mother and siblings when you were growing up?

    Or a bloke who got your mum up the duff and did a runner?
    Originally posted by dresdendave
    That's already been answered - but knowing that you recognise the man who was your day-to-day Dad as your Dad doesn't stop you wanting to know who your genetic father was.
    • Rex_Mundi
    • By Rex_Mundi 14th Sep 18, 8:46 PM
    • 5,360 Posts
    • 4,486 Thanks
    Rex_Mundi
    UPDATE

    Seeing as people took the time to help me decide. I thought I would take the time to update you all.

    Mum and me have finally had a chat. She has told me the complete truth now. I feel a sense of peace now that I know the truth.

    She told me he didn't leave her. He wanted to keep seeing her but she was unhappy he lied about being married. She met the man I knew as my dad around the same time. My birth father did see me after I was born, but mum made what she thought was the best decision for her and me at the time and chose my dad. I fully back her up because like I said before. I was brought up very well.

    I would think it is pretty certain that I would have siblings I've never met. My birth father was from an irish family. I half remember the family from where I grew up. They had a big building company. I might have even met my dad years ago once I started going in the pubs. A lot of the pubs where I grew up were proper irish pubs.

    A few of my friends have asked if I am going to try to trace any siblings. I don't think I will. I feel if they don't know about this, it could possibly cause pain or upset to them. My birth father isn't around to speak for himself. According to mum he died about 20 years ago.

    On the good side of this. If I pursued this and got my fathers name changed on my birth certificate. I would be eligible for an Irish/European passport after brexit. Being pro european, this appeals to me lol.

    Thank you to everyone for your replies
    How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
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    • happyandcontented
    • By happyandcontented 14th Sep 18, 9:43 PM
    • 1,404 Posts
    • 2,672 Thanks
    happyandcontented
    UPDATE

    Seeing as people took the time to help me decide. I thought I would take the time to update you all.

    Mum and me have finally had a chat. She has told me the complete truth now. I feel a sense of peace now that I know the truth.

    She told me he didn't leave her. He wanted to keep seeing her but she was unhappy he lied about being married. She met the man I knew as my dad around the same time. My birth father did see me after I was born, but mum made what she thought was the best decision for her and me at the time and chose my dad. I fully back her up because like I said before. I was brought up very well.

    I would think it is pretty certain that I would have siblings I've never met. My birth father was from an irish family. I half remember the family from where I grew up. They had a big building company. I might have even met my dad years ago once I started going in the pubs. A lot of the pubs where I grew up were proper irish pubs.

    A few of my friends have asked if I am going to try to trace any siblings. I don't think I will. I feel if they don't know about this, it could possibly cause pain or upset to them. My birth father isn't around to speak for himself. According to mum he died about 20 years ago.

    On the good side of this. If I pursued this and got my fathers name changed on my birth certificate. I would be eligible for an Irish/European passport after brexit. Being pro european, this appeals to me lol.

    Thank you to everyone for your replies
    Originally posted by Rex_Mundi
    I imagine that would hurt your mum very much.

    Much more than tracing your siblings would hurt them. People have very different outlooks now and I suspect that your siblings would accept that their father had a past.
    • Rex_Mundi
    • By Rex_Mundi 14th Sep 18, 9:53 PM
    • 5,360 Posts
    • 4,486 Thanks
    Rex_Mundi
    I imagine that would hurt your mum very much.

    Much more than tracing your siblings would hurt them. People have very different outlooks now and I suspect that your siblings would accept that their father had a past.
    Originally posted by happyandcontented
    I say it more in jest than reality.

    To pursue it would require mums cooperation and that may cause her more pain. The last thing I would want is to cause her more upset than this situation already has.
    How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
    ...
    ...
    ...
    ...
    Fish
    • Robisere
    • By Robisere 14th Sep 18, 10:20 PM
    • 2,386 Posts
    • 3,230 Thanks
    Robisere
    It appears that you are gradually accepting your situation, but what does become clear is that you are basically a good guy, with absolute love and respect for your mum and the memory of the dad who brought you up. We are more than our genes, we are also the result of the parents we knew and loved, and the family we grew to love, whether blood or not.



    Hold on to what you have and had. It was, and is, the real thing. Good luck.
    I think this job really needs
    a much bigger hammer.
    • Redlady.....
    • By Redlady..... 15th Sep 18, 9:11 PM
    • 76 Posts
    • 556 Thanks
    Redlady.....
    I have been stepdad to a ds and dd for over 30 years. They both tell me that is not true, because "There are no steps between us, you are our dad, the one who was our father was no dad at all." I cannot possibly express how much I love them both, or the 4 smashing grandchildren that I held from the day they were born. For their mother I have the greatest, most abiding love, because she saved my life: before her, I had suffered a family breakdown and the loss of two 'natural' children that I have not seen for many years. I went completely off the rails and was saved by a loving, caring, ready-made family.

    In all truth, sometimes blood relationships mean nothing, unless every family member has the same respect, love and simple care for each other.
    Originally posted by Robisere
    What a beautiful post
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