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  • FIRST POST
    • Rex_Mundi
    • By Rex_Mundi 12th May 18, 8:41 PM
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    Rex_Mundi
    Stumped
    • #1
    • 12th May 18, 8:41 PM
    Stumped 12th May 18 at 8:41 PM
    I am 53 and just found out my dad wasn't my dad. I learnt this from someone I grew up with in the same street I grew up in. Apparently they all knew.

    My mum confirmed this although I never asked her more.

    I know it hurt my mum to talk even so far but I feel I have a right to know the truth. It hurts me to ask her anymore about it but I feel I have a right to know the truth.

    I am split so difficultly. I want to ask her the truth but the last thing I ever want is to hurt my mum.

    Am I wrong to bring it up with her? How do I do this without hurting my mum?
    Last edited by Rex_Mundi; 12-05-2018 at 8:51 PM. Reason: Typo
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    • comeandgo
    • By comeandgo 12th May 18, 8:48 PM
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    comeandgo
    • #2
    • 12th May 18, 8:48 PM
    • #2
    • 12th May 18, 8:48 PM
    I think you do have a right to know who your dad is and your mum must have known this day would come. Could you write her a letter, and she may be able to write back explaining things, the written word is sometimes easier than having conversations.
    • Grumpelstiltskin
    • By Grumpelstiltskin 12th May 18, 8:53 PM
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    Grumpelstiltskin
    • #3
    • 12th May 18, 8:53 PM
    • #3
    • 12th May 18, 8:53 PM
    Who is named as your father on your birth certificate?

    If your mother was married at the time her husband would be named as your father unless she told the registrar different.
    • Rex_Mundi
    • By Rex_Mundi 12th May 18, 9:01 PM
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    Rex_Mundi
    • #4
    • 12th May 18, 9:01 PM
    • #4
    • 12th May 18, 9:01 PM
    I think you do have a right to know who your dad is and your mum must have known this day would come. Could you write her a letter, and she may be able to write back explaining things, the written word is sometimes easier than having conversations.
    Originally posted by comeandgo
    I feel I write better than I speak. I'm thinking in this instance that I need to speak face to face. That worriea me!
    How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
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    • Rex_Mundi
    • By Rex_Mundi 12th May 18, 9:14 PM
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    Rex_Mundi
    • #5
    • 12th May 18, 9:14 PM
    • #5
    • 12th May 18, 9:14 PM
    My dads name is on my birth certificate. The guy I always thought was my dad. He died many years ago in 1974. He was the father to my next two brothers down. I know this now but it was a shock to find out he isn't my dad. He asked my mum never to let me know about my past. He did not want me to feel different from my brothers.
    How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
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    • AubreyMac
    • By AubreyMac 12th May 18, 10:05 PM
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    • #6
    • 12th May 18, 10:05 PM
    • #6
    • 12th May 18, 10:05 PM
    Do your brothers now know? what is their reaction?
    • PeacefulWaters
    • By PeacefulWaters 12th May 18, 10:38 PM
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    PeacefulWaters
    • #7
    • 12th May 18, 10:38 PM
    • #7
    • 12th May 18, 10:38 PM
    Face to face conversation.

    Respectful of her position.

    Request honesty.

    Don't judge.

    Seek to avoid anger.

    Seek to reaffirm love for your mum.

    Not necessarily easy. But probably the best way.
    • BrassicWoman
    • By BrassicWoman 12th May 18, 11:18 PM
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    BrassicWoman
    • #8
    • 12th May 18, 11:18 PM
    • #8
    • 12th May 18, 11:18 PM
    There are a lot of reasons why your mum may not have told you; some ok, some really not so ok, and dredging up things she wishes hadn't happened.

    I think it would be wise to reflect on this and say nothing for a few weeks; decide if you really want to know if it is one of the not so good reasons, or if it will be more comfortable to live with all possibilities open.

    Blood means very little to me. My family is based on people's relationships with me. I have relatives I will never speak to again and friends I consider closer than blood.

    Be sure what you are giving up in your pursuit of knowledge. I'm not saying don't do it; I'm saying don't act in haste and repent in leisure. Let your emotions calm down a little before you act.
    Last edited by BrassicWoman; 12-05-2018 at 11:37 PM.
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    • just trying
    • By just trying 13th May 18, 12:11 AM
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    just trying
    • #9
    • 13th May 18, 12:11 AM
    • #9
    • 13th May 18, 12:11 AM
    Agree with brassicwoman, there could be a very valid reason you've just found this out and the people who brought you up didn't want you to know. Your dad's the one who brought you up. You've had a dad, maybe not biologically but he's been there. The saying bloods thicker than water means nothing.
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    • Rex_Mundi
    • By Rex_Mundi 13th May 18, 1:24 AM
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    Rex_Mundi
    Thank you all of you.

    I have known about this for a couple of months and sat pondering on it. This is an issue now becauae I am planning to meet mum soon. I made her a vase for her birthday and want to meet her to give it to her next week. One years work on this one. She deserves no less.

    My brothers know. It makes no difference to them as me. They will always be my brothers. It scares me I might have other brothers and sisters I don't know about. They may be my siblings but I don't know them.

    Mum told me that my proper dad lied to her in the sixties and was already married. He left her pregnant alone. If I'm honest, I want to punch him for treating my mum and me like that. We deserved better.

    Thanks to mum and my dad (who I always thought was my dad). I was brought up well.
    How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
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    • Flugelhorn
    • By Flugelhorn 13th May 18, 9:26 AM
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    Flugelhorn
    there are probably a very large number of people in your situation from that sort of time - many however don;t and may never know.
    There may have family jokes about who does and doesn't look like their siblings / parents etc but that is usually where it ends.

    There are lots of people on the genealogy / DNA forums who do the tests and discover that their full siblings are suddenly only half sibs or there are other unknown half sibs appearing from elsewhere. can be very tough but some people find comfort in knowing the others in their "new" families.
    Some bravely find the bio-fathers .. often who didn't a)remember the mother b) hardly remember the event - some are delighted to find they have a child and welcome them, others are horrified and refuse to meet.
    Important thing is that you consider your family to be who you want it to be
    • BrassicWoman
    • By BrassicWoman 13th May 18, 10:10 AM
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    BrassicWoman
    don't ask her on her birthday!!! then she will always remember her birthday as the time she had to tell you!
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    • VintageHistorian
    • By VintageHistorian 13th May 18, 11:06 AM
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    VintageHistorian
    If she's in good health (i.e. you're not facing losing her within the next 12 months) then frankly I think you should drop it for the moment.

    She'll have faced a huge amount of discrimination and judgement for being pregnant out of wedlock. Talking about it is going to drag out the feeling of shame that was foisted on her by people at the time. She could well have been ostracised by her local community and by members of her family, spoken to as if she was a piece of dirt that happened to walk through the door. Do not underestimate how plain nasty people will have been to her at the time, not to mention the pressure to give you up to social services under the promise of a "good home" (ignoring the numbers of children that stayed in care their entire childhoods and ended up being abused by the very people who had promised to look after them). Your Dad must have seemed like an absolute Godsend at the time, a man who promised to stand by her and meant it! Willing to take you as part of the deal!

    Eventually you could ask her to write down the name of your birth father, with a promise that it will only be revealed after she has passed. This may be the best compromise you can get, and it may not be wise to push any further than this.

    The world has changed considerably in the past few decades, it's difficult to imagine the kind of things that will have been said, shouted, or spat at your mother as she walked around with you inside her. Please keep that in mind, and don't judge her too harshly if she feels unable to talk about it face to face.
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    • Tabbytabitha
    • By Tabbytabitha 13th May 18, 11:30 AM
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    Tabbytabitha
    My dads name is on my birth certificate. The guy I always thought was my dad. He died many years ago in 1974. He was the father to my next two brothers down. I know this now but it was a shock to find out he isn't my dad. He asked my mum never to let me know about my past. He did not want me to feel different from my brothers.
    Originally posted by Rex_Mundi
    The man who brought you up and loved you is your dad - anything else is just blood.
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 13th May 18, 11:34 AM
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    Mojisola
    The man who brought you up and loved you is your dad - anything else is just blood.
    Originally posted by Tabbytabitha
    But that doesn’t mean a person shouldn’t be interested in finding out about their genetic family connections.
    • Tabbytabitha
    • By Tabbytabitha 13th May 18, 12:53 PM
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    Tabbytabitha
    But that doesn!!!8217;t mean a person shouldn!!!8217;t be interested in finding out about their genetic family connections.
    Originally posted by Mojisola
    Interest is one thing, denying your real family is rather different. (Not to suggest that the OP is doing this but others seem to be encouraging him to think like that with all the comments about his "real" dad.)
    Last edited by Tabbytabitha; 13-05-2018 at 12:56 PM.
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 13th May 18, 1:17 PM
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    Mojisola
    Interest is one thing, denying your real family is rather different. (Not to suggest that the OP is doing this but others seem to be encouraging him to think like that with all the comments about his "real" dad.)
    Originally posted by Tabbytabitha
    Where? ..........
    • JayJay100
    • By JayJay100 13th May 18, 1:18 PM
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    JayJay100
    My situation is similar, but different. I was brought up by an amazing stepmum, knowing she was my stepmum and assuming that my natural mum was dead. Not so: she died last year, and I only found out about her due to being a beneficiary in her will. I have two half sisters and a half brother that I knew nothing about.

    I'm lucky because my stepmum has been able to fill in some of the blanks; I suspect that she's withholding a lot of information. My dad is refusing to discuss the situation full stop. He's a quiet man, who had a difficult life in many ways, and he's stubborn. If I try to talk to him, I can see the flash of pain or perhaps anger in his face and he walks away. I have never been angry with before, but I am now, even though I do my best to keep it hidden. The relationship I have with my half sisters is best described as difficult; one will have nothing to do with me at all, and the other leads me a merry dance. Sometimes she's wonderful, and sometimes she's a complete horror: I frequently feel as though I'm walking on eggshells. None of us have contact with the half brother.

    The problem is that I have questions; a real craving for knowledge that is not going away. It's ridiculous things such as having to complete a medical questionnaire which included questions about any history of cancer; I have answered that question with 'unknown' a dozen times without a problem, but suddenly it gets to me. I have times where I feel resentful and angry because I could have spent time with my natural mum, and got to know her properly. I struggle to understand why this is important to me, because I didn't miss out in any way: my stepmum was and is superb, but I do feel as though something has been stolen from me. I'm bitter about the situation I have with my sisters and my brother, even though I know that I probably have a rose-tinted image of how I think it would have been if we'd had contact when we were children.

    I suggest that you list as many questions as you can, and see if there is anyone else who could perhaps answer them for you; an auntie, an uncle or a close family friend perhaps. If not, I think you will have to tackle your mum, but it's important to be as understanding as you can, and to try not to apportion blame, even if you want to: I wanted to, even though I knew it was irrational. One thing I did realise was that as soon as I got an answer to one question, it would trigger another six to try and find out the detail.

    Good luck. I hope you find out what you need to know for peace of mind.
    • Tabbytabitha
    • By Tabbytabitha 13th May 18, 2:18 PM
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    Tabbytabitha
    Where? ..........
    Originally posted by Mojisola
    Post #2 - I thought there were more.
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 13th May 18, 3:03 PM
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    Mojisola
    I think you do have a right to know who your dad is and your mum must have known this day would come.
    Originally posted by comeandgo
    Post #2 - I thought there were more.
    Originally posted by Tabbytabitha
    I don't read that as the genetic father being the 'real Dad'.

    One of my grandfathers was a step-parent and it's taken me ages to find out who our genetic grandfather was but he's not 'real' in the same way as the man who was there and part of our lives.

    I'm still pleased to have found him and have been able to trace his family further back - they may not have been part of our lives but we do carry some of their genes.
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