Your browser isn't supported
It looks like you're using an old web browser. To get the most out of the site and to ensure guides display correctly, we suggest upgrading your browser now. Download the latest:

Welcome to the MSE Forums

We're home to a fantastic community of MoneySavers but anyone can post. Please exercise caution & report spam, illegal, offensive or libellous posts/messages: click "report" or email forumteam@.

Search
  • FIRST POST
    • dominqueobs
    • By dominqueobs 8th May 18, 10:09 PM
    • 12Posts
    • 7Thanks
    dominqueobs
    Friend never listens, but always shares her problems...
    • #1
    • 8th May 18, 10:09 PM
    Friend never listens, but always shares her problems... 8th May 18 at 10:09 PM
    I'm not sure if this is the right place to post, sorry. This has been bugging me for a while now, I have a friend and I listen to all of their problems and offer advice where I can. We mostly just catch up online. Whenever I have an issue though the replies are usually e.g. "When's that?" ...reply... "one word/sentence answer/long delay/change of subject". It can just be stuff going on in my life like a job search (something I have listened to them talk about in depth ), but they never take an interest in stuff I'm clearly wanting to talk about. I don't know what to do, I didn't have them down as the "taker" type but it really irritates me how closed off they are when I just want some advice/someone to listen has anyone else experience this and how have you handled it? I don't want to pour my heart out to her but I've just spoke about a job and get one sentence back with no questions, then she posts two paragraphs about her life I don't know if I'm just reading too much into it.
    Last edited by dominqueobs; 08-05-2018 at 10:11 PM.
Page 2
    • NeilCr
    • By NeilCr 9th May 18, 1:21 PM
    • 1,708 Posts
    • 2,286 Thanks
    NeilCr
    So no reason to think we'd be other than fine in real life.
    Originally posted by Pollycat
    I said that half in jest but I am sure we'd be fine!

    • KiKi
    • By KiKi 9th May 18, 1:58 PM
    • 4,956 Posts
    • 8,043 Thanks
    KiKi
    Doesn't mean she's an awful friend, she might just be misunderstanding. You say that she posts paragraphs about her problems - and presumably you then respond.

    You, on the other hand, post 'one sentence' and she doesn't pick up that it's an issue. You're assuming it's because she doesn't care, but perhaps she doesn't realise you want to talk because you've literally just said one sentence and her interpretation of that it's that's it's just a short thing, not something you want to talk about because it's not paragraphs of wanting to talk.

    Have you actually tried saying "could I please talk to you about something, I really need your advice"? Have you tried calling her?

    Equally, I know I can sometimes be self-centred in conversations. It's not because I don't care, but I live alone, often work alone, and spend a lot of time alone, so when someone says "how are you" I can often offload and forget to ask back. It's not that I don't care, but I spend so much time at work absorbing other people's issues, that being able to share is a relief. I'm aware of it, though, so I try and temper it.

    All I'm saying is: don't jump to conclusions, and don't let it wind you up without being prepared to explore that with her first. Otherwise you're just going to get more and more annoyed, and any responses on here saying "OMG, she's so selfish" will just wind you up more. Talk to her.

    KiKi
    ' <-- See that? It's called an apostrophe. It does not mean "hey, look out, here comes an S".
    • toothfairybuttkicker
    • By toothfairybuttkicker 10th May 18, 11:54 AM
    • 163 Posts
    • 414 Thanks
    toothfairybuttkicker
    OK - I am that 'friend' ( not really but i'm the type)

    I hate talking by text/ online chat. It really makes me anxious when people continue to send message after message when in reality what needed to be said has been said (it feels more like they are fishing for info rather then being supportive) I like to vent (end of) but one of my closest friends is always giving advice and interferring helping to sort out my problems. She sees me as OP sees her friend as disinterested in her problems.

    I'm not disinterested just dont know what i can say. I cant give relationship advice as i've been with the same bloke since i was 17 (now 40). I cant really give money advice (i wouldnt be on here if i had the answers). Cant give job advice (worked in same job since 16). I exhausted my supplies of advice years ago. But I still love her to death and she does me. I feel our face to face time is better when we havent been having text conversations she thinks the other way. We agree to disagree. Would i be there for her if her world fell apart....Yes in a heartbeat.
    Only the Mortgage to go!!!
    • hazyjo
    • By hazyjo 10th May 18, 12:45 PM
    • 10,505 Posts
    • 13,669 Thanks
    hazyjo
    OK - I am that 'friend' ( not really but i'm the type)

    I hate talking by text/ online chat. It really makes me anxious when people continue to send message after message when in reality what needed to be said has been said (it feels more like they are fishing for info rather then being supportive) I like to vent (end of) but one of my closest friends is always giving advice and interferring helping to sort out my problems. She sees me as OP sees her friend as disinterested in her problems.
    Originally posted by toothfairybuttkicker
    Oh God, that's so true. My friend I mentioned earlier sent 10 - YES TEN! - whatsapp messages through the other night. One straight after the other. 29 lines of text. Nothing I'd not heard before (all about her BF). I replied with 8 and only 3 of them were really in reply to what she'd said. It was nearly midnight, I was heading up to bed and tbh really didn't want to discuss it all again.


    I also can't stand 'phone texting chat'. I am more than happy to write an email, but I can't get into them at work any more so have to reply on my phone which I consider hell. I can do it at night, but prefer to use that time for other things and don't really want to be sending long emails. Would much rather just fix a date, keep it very short, and have long chats when we do all get to meet up. There's usually six of us in the email chats (one group of friends) and the one I mentioned above always sends long emails and then gets peed off when nobody replies or if they send just a couple of lines back. But she doesn't seem to get that nobody wants to type out pages on their phones (most only use phones for emails now), or to then end up with loads of chatty emails as it all just gets lost.


    Times have changed I suppose. I'd rather her just pick up the phone (although not that late) than send loads of messages.
    2018 wins: Single Malt Whisky; theatre tickets; festival tickets; year of gin(!); shoes
    • dominqueobs
    • By dominqueobs 12th May 18, 10:30 AM
    • 12 Posts
    • 7 Thanks
    dominqueobs
    Doesn't mean she's an awful friend, she might just be misunderstanding. You say that she posts paragraphs about her problems - and presumably you then respond.

    You, on the other hand, post 'one sentence' and she doesn't pick up that it's an issue. You're assuming it's because she doesn't care, but perhaps she doesn't realise you want to talk because you've literally just said one sentence and her interpretation of that it's that's it's just a short thing, not something you want to talk about because it's not paragraphs of wanting to talk.

    Have you actually tried saying "could I please talk to you about something, I really need your advice"? Have you tried calling her?

    Equally, I know I can sometimes be self-centred in conversations. It's not because I don't care, but I live alone, often work alone, and spend a lot of time alone, so when someone says "how are you" I can often offload and forget to ask back. It's not that I don't care, but I spend so much time at work absorbing other people's issues, that being able to share is a relief. I'm aware of it, though, so I try and temper it.

    All I'm saying is: don't jump to conclusions, and don't let it wind you up without being prepared to explore that with her first. Otherwise you're just going to get more and more annoyed, and any responses on here saying "OMG, she's so selfish" will just wind you up more. Talk to her.

    KiKi
    Originally posted by KiKi
    No, I message about something and she is the one who replies with one sentence (if at all). She messages me about strangers asking her for advice because of her job but seems to avoid any conversations about my life like the plague I have tried wording things differently but it just annoys me how self-absorbed she comes across and I don't think I'm jumping to conclusions here, I've noticed it over many months but never had her down as that sort so just put up with it. I have tried saying "oh, could I talk to you about such and such" (not necessarily deep conversations) but she is still so blunt compared to when she wants to offload or I'll share some news and she puts thumbs up emoji. Perhaps 'advice' is the wrong term to use, sometimes you just want someone to listen and when you're talking and they take ages to respond with some half-assed response you know they're not.

    I'm just not going to bother now, if she wants to get in touch she can but if it's to talk about a new issue she has I'm not going to be listening anymore when everything I say is skirted over. Thanks for sharing your stories.
    Last edited by dominqueobs; 12-05-2018 at 10:37 AM.
    • Novice investor101
    • By Novice investor101 13th May 18, 4:04 PM
    • 131 Posts
    • 69 Thanks
    Novice investor101
    I had a friend like this - up until February this year, when i decided to cut her out of my life because it really was a one way street. I'd spent the best part of 18 months on messenger (she doesn't live where i do) listening to all her problems over and over again, offering advice and she always said i was a rock to her. Sometimes these exchanges went on for hours and she took no notice of whether i might be busy or not. She is very self centred and generally treats everyone like rubbish and sees it as acceptable. It is well known by all her friends that if you organise to meet her for anything there's a 99% chance she won't turn up and 100% that if she does, she'll be hours late. She never thinks how this affects other people.

    I too tried to discuss my problems and would get brushed aside with one word or one sentence answers. The final straw came when i challenged her on it, after a particular problem i had that i needed to talk to someone about, and she sent the nastiest reply back stating that she was busy and that it wasn't her problem and she wasn't interested in getting involved - it was my own fault for being stupid.
    I never bothered to contact her again. After she messaged me with one of her usual problems, i gave a one sentence answer and when she asked if anything was wrong and had she done anything to upset me (!) i just told her i was busy. I never explained why i cut her off - mainly cos i don't care, she can figure it out herself.

    It was clear to me that that was exactly how she felt - she wasn't interested in my life, only what she could get from me. She never offered anything to the friendship and i felt such a relief at not being hassled for hours on end and having entire days wasted when she never turned up.
    I'd been forgiving for too long and i'd had enough.
    I'm much happier no longer having any contact - i don't miss her as there's nothing to miss. She was a drainer and a taker.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 14th May 18, 7:49 AM
    • 20,003 Posts
    • 53,674 Thanks
    Pollycat
    I had a friend like this - up until February this year, when i decided to cut her out of my life because it really was a one way street. I'd spent the best part of 18 months on messenger (she doesn't live where i do) listening to all her problems over and over again, offering advice and she always said i was a rock to her. Sometimes these exchanges went on for hours and she took no notice of whether i might be busy or not. She is very self centred and generally treats everyone like rubbish and sees it as acceptable. It is well known by all her friends that if you organise to meet her for anything there's a 99% chance she won't turn up and 100% that if she does, she'll be hours late. She never thinks how this affects other people.

    I too tried to discuss my problems and would get brushed aside with one word or one sentence answers. The final straw came when i challenged her on it, after a particular problem i had that i needed to talk to someone about, and she sent the nastiest reply back stating that she was busy and that it wasn't her problem and she wasn't interested in getting involved - it was my own fault for being stupid.
    I never bothered to contact her again. After she messaged me with one of her usual problems, i gave a one sentence answer and when she asked if anything was wrong and had she done anything to upset me (!) i just told her i was busy. I never explained why i cut her off - mainly cos i don't care, she can figure it out herself.

    It was clear to me that that was exactly how she felt - she wasn't interested in my life, only what she could get from me. She never offered anything to the friendship and i felt such a relief at not being hassled for hours on end and having entire days wasted when she never turned up.
    I'd been forgiving for too long and i'd had enough.
    I'm much happier no longer having any contact - i don't miss her as there's nothing to miss. She was a drainer and a taker.
    Originally posted by Novice investor101
    I think sometimes you just have to cut users out of your life for your own peace of mind.
    • JayJay100
    • By JayJay100 14th May 18, 9:02 AM
    • 219 Posts
    • 443 Thanks
    JayJay100
    Sometimes we expect others to do the same for us, as we would do for them, and it just doesn't happen for a variety of reasons. People can lack empathy, or just be so focused on their own problems that there isn't any space for anything else. Sometimes they feel that they have nothing of value to add, or are worried to give advice, in case it's the wrong thing to say: it doesn't always mean that they don't care or value the friendship.

    I really noticed a change with some of my friends, when my own life has been/is going through an extended rough patch and I needed a bit of space from some and a bit of payback from others. People that I'd listened to for hours and I'd been there for no matter what, just wouldn't or couldn't reciprocate. Some got quite irate that I couldn't be there for them, in the way that I'd always been. It's just the way people can be.

    I think you have to step back and work out whether your friend is worth an unequal relationship in terms of support. Some of mine are useless at support, but give me the best laughs at other times. Yes, I felt very fed up when I needed them and they weren't there, but the laughs mean enough to me to keep the friendship going.
Welcome to our new Forum!

Our aim is to save you money quickly and easily. We hope you like it!

Forum Team Contact us

Live Stats

60Posts Today

1,481Users online

Martin's Twitter
  • It's the start of mini MSE's half term. In order to be the best daddy possible, Im stopping work and going off line? https://t.co/kwjvtd75YU

  • RT @shellsince1982: @MartinSLewis thanx to your email I have just saved myself £222 by taking a SIM only deal for £7.50 a month and keeping?

  • Today's Friday twitter poll: An important question, building on yesterday's important discussions: Which is the best bit of the pizza...

  • Follow Martin