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    • MSE Sarah
    • By MSE Sarah 8th May 18, 5:24 PM
    • 129Posts
    • 66Thanks
    MSE Sarah
    Money Moral Dilemma: Should I give a bigger wedding gift because I can't make the big day?
    • #1
    • 8th May 18, 5:24 PM
    Money Moral Dilemma: Should I give a bigger wedding gift because I can't make the big day? 8th May 18 at 5:24 PM
    This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

    A good friend's getting married and I can't go. I feel I should buy a bigger gift than planned because I'm saving on the usual outfit, travel and hotel costs - but some think I should give LESS as another guest's going in my place. What should I do?

    Unfortunately the MSE team can't always answer money moral dilemma questions as contributions are often emailed in or suggested in person. They are intended to be enjoyed as a point of debate and discussed at face value.

    If you havenít already, join the forum to reply!

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Page 1
    • PasturesNew
    • By PasturesNew 8th May 18, 5:27 PM
    • 63,201 Posts
    • 370,161 Thanks
    PasturesNew
    • #2
    • 8th May 18, 5:27 PM
    • #2
    • 8th May 18, 5:27 PM
    There's no reason to spend more.
    As somebody else said, spend less as you're not benefitting from the hospitality.

    As it's a "good friend", just spend what you planned to spend on them and be done with it.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 8th May 18, 5:42 PM
    • 20,339 Posts
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    Pollycat
    • #3
    • 8th May 18, 5:42 PM
    • #3
    • 8th May 18, 5:42 PM
    Of course there's no reason to spend more.
    Accepting a wedding invitation isn't obligatory.
    • thorsoak
    • By thorsoak 8th May 18, 7:46 PM
    • 5,675 Posts
    • 25,971 Thanks
    thorsoak
    • #4
    • 8th May 18, 7:46 PM
    • #4
    • 8th May 18, 7:46 PM
    Why not just give what you would love to give to your friends and what they would like to receive? Why should cost of gift/what you will be saving by not going be such an important part of it?
    • Gavin83
    • By Gavin83 8th May 18, 8:22 PM
    • 5,209 Posts
    • 8,495 Thanks
    Gavin83
    • #5
    • 8th May 18, 8:22 PM
    • #5
    • 8th May 18, 8:22 PM
    In this situation I wouldn't give a gift at all. If you aren't going to the wedding why would you give them a gift?
    • clairec79
    • By clairec79 8th May 18, 9:01 PM
    • 2,369 Posts
    • 6,278 Thanks
    clairec79
    • #6
    • 8th May 18, 9:01 PM
    • #6
    • 8th May 18, 9:01 PM
    If you want to give a gift, give one. If you don't, don't.

    If I wanted to give one it would be of whatever I wanted to give (most likely same size monetarily as usual - although if I thought there was something apt for them that was more or less than my standard then I may give that)
    • happyinflorida
    • By happyinflorida 8th May 18, 10:45 PM
    • 706 Posts
    • 590 Thanks
    happyinflorida
    • #7
    • 8th May 18, 10:45 PM
    • #7
    • 8th May 18, 10:45 PM
    I've not heard of giving a gift if you're not going - where have you got the idea from that you should?

    It's up to you obviously, if you want to give a gift, then do so. Give a present that you want to give - what's the cost got to do with it?
    • Red-Squirrel
    • By Red-Squirrel 8th May 18, 10:45 PM
    • 2,887 Posts
    • 7,724 Thanks
    Red-Squirrel
    • #8
    • 8th May 18, 10:45 PM
    • #8
    • 8th May 18, 10:45 PM
    How is this a MORAL dilemma?
    • elizabethhull
    • By elizabethhull 8th May 18, 11:11 PM
    • 231 Posts
    • 1,388 Thanks
    elizabethhull
    • #9
    • 8th May 18, 11:11 PM
    • #9
    • 8th May 18, 11:11 PM
    I've not heard of giving a gift if you're not going - where have you got the idea from that you should?

    It's up to you obviously, if you want to give a gift, then do so. Give a present that you want to give - what's the cost got to do with it?
    Originally posted by happyinflorida
    Actually it was always the etiquette that if you were invited, you gave a present, whether you attended or not. It's lovely to be considered for an invitation, and I would always send a present if I couldn't go. I'm a little surprised that some people don't think this way any more.
    But the cost is a different matter. I'd give a present of whatever value I would have given if attending, but make it a postable present, so probably money in some form - cheque or vouchers where any wedding list is being maintained.
    • REJP
    • By REJP 8th May 18, 11:14 PM
    • 46 Posts
    • 50 Thanks
    REJP
    No. Give what you can afford and no more. This is a money saving site and I cannot believe a regular user would ask such a question.
    • Katie_cake
    • By Katie_cake 8th May 18, 11:32 PM
    • 1 Posts
    • 3 Thanks
    Katie_cake
    How about giving the gift of celebrating with the happy couple at a later date. Perhaps take them out for a meal or a similar social occasion to fit your budget or even less. This way you will still get to join in the merriment of the occasion and solve the issue of a gift.
    A lot of couples these days already have their pits and pans, this could be something they!!!8217;d appreciate and you!!!8217;ll all remember. Good luck
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 9th May 18, 7:13 AM
    • 20,339 Posts
    • 54,649 Thanks
    Pollycat
    Actually it was always the etiquette that if you were invited, you gave a present, whether you attended or not. It's lovely to be considered for an invitation, and I would always send a present if I couldn't go. I'm a little surprised that some people don't think this way any more.
    But the cost is a different matter. I'd give a present of whatever value I would have given if attending, but make it a postable present, so probably money in some form - cheque or vouchers where any wedding list is being maintained.
    Originally posted by elizabethhull
    Bit in bold - really?

    I think it more depends on your relationship with the couple.
    • pollypenny
    • By pollypenny 9th May 18, 7:52 AM
    • 24,203 Posts
    • 63,184 Thanks
    pollypenny
    In this situation I wouldn't give a gift at all. If you aren't going to the wedding why would you give them a gift?
    Originally posted by Gavin83


    Because it is the wedding of a good friend and you want to give a present.


    I enjoy choosing and giving presents to my family and friends.

    In this case, just give what you would have done, anyway.
    Member #14 of SKI-ers club

    Words, words, they're all we have to go by!.

    (Pity they are mangled by this autocorrect!)
    • lilmisstrouble
    • By lilmisstrouble 9th May 18, 8:50 AM
    • 17 Posts
    • 25 Thanks
    lilmisstrouble
    Just decide how much you want to spend without regard to whether you!!!8217;re going or not. They wouldn!!!8217;t be very good friends if they judge you by what you spend
    Last edited by lilmisstrouble; 09-05-2018 at 8:52 AM. Reason: Typos
    • Kynthia
    • By Kynthia 9th May 18, 10:12 AM
    • 5,186 Posts
    • 7,240 Thanks
    Kynthia
    In this situation I wouldn't give a gift at all. If you aren't going to the wedding why would you give them a gift?
    Originally posted by Gavin83
    It's a good friend, they're getting married and you're happy for them. I buy my good friends a birthday gift whether I attend a birthday celebration or not and it's the same for their wedding.
    Don't listen to me, I'm no expert!
    • John Gray
    • By John Gray 9th May 18, 10:22 AM
    • 5,216 Posts
    • 2,999 Thanks
    John Gray
    You should give less than if you were attending, because you have not been able to take advantage of the luxurious wedding reception food, disco, and so on.

    A strong cost/benefit analysis is required!
    • Barryfan
    • By Barryfan 9th May 18, 10:53 AM
    • 61 Posts
    • 62 Thanks
    Barryfan
    Just Give
    Oh, for goodness sake! Just buy them a present you think they'd appreciate, and don't think about the cost. You said they were good friends who were getting married - why put a price on your gift.
    • Gavin83
    • By Gavin83 9th May 18, 11:16 AM
    • 5,209 Posts
    • 8,495 Thanks
    Gavin83
    It's a good friend, they're getting married and you're happy for them. I buy my good friends a birthday gift whether I attend a birthday celebration or not and it's the same for their wedding.
    Originally posted by Kynthia
    I missed the bit about a 'good friend' although saying that if they were that good a friend I'd make the effort and go to the wedding anyway. I've been invited to weddings of people I don't even consider friends in the past, I certainly wouldn't be buying them a present just because of a supposed etiquette.

    Me and my friends don't buy each other birthday presents.

    I've never been in this situation, as I said if it was a good friend I'd make the effort but I guess maybe if put in the situation I would get them a present.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 9th May 18, 11:43 AM
    • 20,339 Posts
    • 54,649 Thanks
    Pollycat
    I missed the bit about a 'good friend' although saying that if they were that good a friend I'd make the effort and go to the wedding anyway. I've been invited to weddings of people I don't even consider friends in the past, I certainly wouldn't be buying them a present just because of a supposed etiquette.

    Me and my friends don't buy each other birthday presents.

    I've never been in this situation, as I said if it was a good friend I'd make the effort but I guess maybe if put in the situation I would get them a present.
    Originally posted by Gavin83
    The author of the dilemma says he/she can't go.
    Maybe the wedding was organised at short notice and they are on holiday.
    Or have a prior engagement.

    If I had a holiday booked there's no way I'd go to a wedding instead - regardless of how good a friend it was.
    • brewerdave
    • By brewerdave 9th May 18, 12:11 PM
    • 4,923 Posts
    • 2,042 Thanks
    brewerdave
    Seems to me that its all about the cash these days. Certainly the last 2 weddings we were invited to, the invite asked for cash towards their honeymoon - we have even been criticised for not giving money to a related couple who didn't even invite us, just sent an apology for no invite "as the facilities were too small"!!
    The original dilemma? No attendance - no present!
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