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  • FIRST POST
    • Charleyalmostking
    • By Charleyalmostking 7th May 18, 11:42 AM
    • 84Posts
    • 33Thanks
    Charleyalmostking
    Massive family problem & It's tearing me up. Needing guidance
    • #1
    • 7th May 18, 11:42 AM
    Massive family problem & It's tearing me up. Needing guidance 7th May 18 at 11:42 AM
    story in short
    I have a ton of family issues including the past when my dad was violent towards me and posted a blog post about how I am becoming distant to family , my auntie found it and now I'm not part of 'HER' family. She wrote me so many nasty messages when all i've done is tell her the truth.

    And now , I'm in bits at how awful she spoke to me and how an earth I'm going to carry on my life ?
    __________________________________________________ _____________________
    LONG Story;
    I wrote on my blog a few weeks ago with this being part of it "I don't have a strong relationship with my family any more, I talk to my mum and sister but not anyone else too much. We've all grown apart and I have my own different values to them as well as there's been multiple instances that I should never of had to go through from a family member. It's another reason why I want to change my life, so I can ensure my future children do not go through this and so they have a happier life that what I felt I had."

    My auntie found it and left me a message saying "Hi *Flix* , I read your blog. You are surrounded by family who love you - why write such lies? Iím both saddened and disgusted !!!128546; You separate yourself from your loving family by your choice, not ours...."

    But she doesn't know half the stuff I deal with , I want to reply but know it's going to cause even more trouble. My dad is her brother by the way and her other brother is the one who planted the knife in my bag . My nan is her mum .

    Here's the messages we exchanged;
    ME: I don't want to fight but if I'm honest a lot of stuff happened last year or so that you don't know about that's been bad enough that I don't want that and it's not me wanting to be separate but honestly I can't be close. It hurt me that much .

    Her: Maybe I know more than you think. That is one year, youíve had a whole lifetime of love and you still do. Even so, keep it to your self, there is no interest in the rest of world knowing. Do you think Iíve had it easy? Have I told the world? Be an adult and donít hang your dirty laundry for all to see - true or not. Iíll only say this once.

    Me:
    I guarantee you don't. Me putting it online was my own way of venting since i couldn't talk to any of my family ... as it always ends up being my fault and that my own thoughts or feelings were invalid .

    Her: Lies again. You can talk to me, nan, *ada* , *Saphire* , *Bob* etc. Vent to us, not publicly. When you do that you are muddying our name and we have nothing to deserve that, only love and include you. Grow up, be an adult, deal with it in the circle of love that you have. I am incredibly annoyed with your actions and request that you desist from any further venting of my family!

    Me: And that's just proven my point.

    her:
    That you can slag off my family and no one say anything! This stops now! What do you think nana d grandad will feel if they knew what awful stuff you were saying so publicly - vile and disgusting!

    Me:
    You say about them finding out this but I'm sure they won't be happy to know that my dad punched me a few weeks before I was due to move out along with other instances where he felt like he had to use violence against his own daughter during arguments , as well as accusing me time after time of doing drugs, and smoking when I was clean and never have done any of that , telling me it was my fault for being bullied. When I had depression I was told to just "get over it as I had nothing to be depressed about" ... the fact that i could have been in serious trouble if the lady in tesco or my manager at work caught me eith that stupid steak knife in my bag , and beung told i was invalid and yet I'm in the wrong ?

    Her: Clearly *dan* talking. Grow up, I have lost a bit of respect for you *flix* , be your own person not what he wants you to be. We were there a long time before him and will be a long time after heís gone. Be careful were your loyalties lie, you could end up very lonely...

    Me:
    *dan* been the only one there for me . this ain't got nothing to do with him. How is my dad hitting me to do with him? Id rather have 1 person to be loyal to then this . All I've done is tell the truth .

    her:
    Whatever, just stop slagging off a good family who donít deserve it public. Good luck with him, youíll need it...,

    ___________________
    Context:

    My nan said she'd pick me up to go to a farewell party as my auntie (THE ONE WHO SENT ME THOSE MESSAGES) is moving to France and last friday was her last night . So I get in her car and all she's done is complain about how long she's been driving for, the fact that she chose to ignore her sat nav and then moaned that it'll take an extra 15 mins to get to the place ... saying she hates this journey and such... I'm trying to make convo and she's ignoring me but talking to my grandad. Making me feel guilty for moving an hour away.

    I don't get on with my mum much it's always so awkward when I'm on the phone... it sounds like she wants to go all the time so when i say bye or wrap it up she gets funny... or when i say something she's never interested ...like walking on eggshells.everytime I talk to my mum she makes funny faces at me as if she's not interested or disgusted with me... keeps saying yeah really like vaguely. ... keeps rolling her eyes when i mention wedding ... not that I go on but they gave my younger cousins my disney snow globes and I said "oohh may have to borrow them for my wedding " and that was it...

    I've not spoken to my dad properly since Christmas ... as sad as it is I'm reversered fron him as before I moved out he punched/hit me and in my younger years he'd say it was my fault for being bullied and one time he threw my office chair at me (missed but atill) and kicked me. Obviously mum didn't believe me each time I tried to go to her ; and I never took it further cos I felt guilty and wrong cos he was my dad. My sister is the favourite as she has Autism and they make a big deal of it and of awareness (such as posting about it on facebook) but when I got diagnosed with depression and had weeks off on numerous occasions because of it, I'm supposed to 'cheer up as I have nothing to be depressed about" .

    I never talk to my uncle (bob*) as he caused !!!! last year by putting a steak knife in the front of my bag and didn't tell me until i found out when I went to get my purse out. Bearing in mind I work with 2-3yr olds and obviously used that bag for work and everyone in my family said I was being stupid and my feelings were invalid when i said I could have lost my job or worse if found.

    My cousin (Saphire - her daughter) whose in France I never speak to she again caused trouble when we were little, getting my dad to be on her side then his own daughters . She also wrote nasty !!!! when this knife thing happend and her boyfriend threatened to break my Fiance's legs. And now she's definitely not invited to the wedding but my nan said she wont come if my cousins not invited

    I yearn to be close but I can't. It's been nice with just me and my f.h and I want to cut ties as much as I can , only going to family events when necessary but them I've been accused of disowning them and that I'm selfish and I don't love my family.

    The last time I tried to detach myself , we got in a horrible shouting argument over the phone and I was made to feel 100 times worse and made to feel like it was ALL my fault.
    1kProject £3.70/£1,000Wedding: £625.00 / £2,500
Page 2
    • Charleyalmostking
    • By Charleyalmostking 8th May 18, 6:54 AM
    • 84 Posts
    • 33 Thanks
    Charleyalmostking
    I never used names I never said what happened ... I honestly literally wrote we're distant.

    I can't make amends , I can't talk it through. I try and talk to others at family events and apart from the initial "hey how are you" I'm forgotten about or that's just it.

    No hope in rebuilding
    1kProject £3.70/£1,000Wedding: £625.00 / £2,500
    • BrassicWoman
    • By BrassicWoman 8th May 18, 7:28 AM
    • 1,565 Posts
    • 6,587 Thanks
    BrassicWoman
    I never used names I never said what happened ... I honestly literally wrote we're distant.

    I can't make amends , I can't talk it through. I try and talk to others at family events and apart from the initial "hey how are you" I'm forgotten about or that's just it.

    No hope in rebuilding
    Originally posted by Charleyalmostking
    Then all you can do is move on.
    Jan 18 grocery challenge £105.13/ £150
    • z1a
    • By z1a 8th May 18, 6:01 PM
    • 1,258 Posts
    • 1,195 Thanks
    z1a
    What a horrid thing to say, OP is clearly upset and struggling, to tell them that is just not on
    Originally posted by sheepy21
    Why? The OP is the common denominator in the story.
    • sheepy21
    • By sheepy21 8th May 18, 9:11 PM
    • 45 Posts
    • 52 Thanks
    sheepy21
    Why? The OP is the common denominator in the story.
    Originally posted by z1a
    Some people have shitty families it doesn't mean it's their fault! You need to think about what you say, being so blas! when responding to someone who is saying they don't know how to go on living, it's replies like yours that can tip someone over the edge. People have been known to kill themselves as a result of what complete strangers have said on the internet, imagine if you were responsible for that, think before you type
    • Nicki
    • By Nicki 8th May 18, 10:12 PM
    • 7,739 Posts
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    Nicki
    Why did you create two identical threads but different titles in the same day in the same board?

    You do come across as rather hard work I'm afraid.
    • miriamac
    • By miriamac 8th May 18, 10:38 PM
    • 288 Posts
    • 713 Thanks
    miriamac
    Why did you create two identical threads but different titles in the same day in the same board?

    You do come across as rather hard work I'm afraid.
    Originally posted by Nicki
    One of the threads was originally in the Arms, I think.
    • Charleyalmostking
    • By Charleyalmostking 9th May 18, 6:14 PM
    • 84 Posts
    • 33 Thanks
    Charleyalmostking
    Yeah I was told or advised to post in this section instead , I didn't know where to put it.

    I wouldn't of made 2 otherwise

    how am I 'hard work?
    1kProject £3.70/£1,000Wedding: £625.00 / £2,500
    • cjdavies
    • By cjdavies 9th May 18, 8:53 PM
    • 3,300 Posts
    • 3,515 Thanks
    cjdavies
    how am I 'hard work?
    Originally posted by Charleyalmostking
    Ignore them, they are trolls.
    • JWM
    • By JWM 9th May 18, 8:58 PM
    • 293 Posts
    • 468 Thanks
    JWM
    Ignore them, they are trolls.
    Originally posted by cjdavies
    Disagreeing with someone does not make you a 'troll'.

    It may be a harsh comment but the OP doesn't appear to have grasped the fact that it is HER choice to interact with her family. If she stopped talking to them or posting about them (as many people have said) then I do feel she would be much happier.

    We do appear to be going over the same ground somewhat.
    • fishybusiness
    • By fishybusiness 9th May 18, 9:17 PM
    • 1,184 Posts
    • 736 Thanks
    fishybusiness
    I can't make amends , I can't talk it through. I try and talk to others at family events and apart from the initial "hey how are you" I'm forgotten about or that's just it.
    Hopefully you have removed the social media posts now - it is a step in to moving on.

    I had a pretty crap unbringing, similar story to one or two others. My dad was an angry bully, control freak and a drinker - oh and he was as selfish as they come. My mum, well she is lovely but I'm sure was always teetering between sanity and insanity with her ideas.

    Anyway, took me until my thirties to begin to sort it all out, and it was painful, the realisations of how I had been treated, especially compared to my siblings. Moving on, I can say life does get better, somehow mourning the losses, rather than rejecting out of anger helps emotions settle.

    You'll no doubt find confronting those that have caused you pain won't work, likely they will resist and tell you all about you, and it is all your fault - it isn't worth it.

    I wonder if you can find a way in to therapy, and learn to take care of yourself, it really is possible to do.

    I hope it works out for you.
    • motorguy
    • By motorguy 10th May 18, 8:37 PM
    • 16,616 Posts
    • 9,801 Thanks
    motorguy
    I never used names I never said what happened ... I honestly literally wrote we're distant.

    I can't make amends , I can't talk it through. I try and talk to others at family events and apart from the initial "hey how are you" I'm forgotten about or that's just it.

    No hope in rebuilding
    Originally posted by Charleyalmostking
    My family have been like that. Ultimately i made the decision to cut them out of my life. I havent spoke to my brother in 11 years and my sister in a year.

    I wouldnt tolerate their behaviour from friends therefore i dont see why i should from family.

    BUT - there was no need at all to "go public" on a blog with their actual names. You could have put in different names if it was about getting your feelings out there. I think using names has done more harm than good.

    As people grow older it does just become about a "how are you?" at family events and thats about it. If they dont want to reach out and make better a relationship then you cant force them. Even if YOU reach out, that doesnt mean they will suddenly all become friendly again. I've tried it with my family and theres usually a bit of "yes lets try harder" but then no-one bothers.

    Also, finally, you are seeing everything from YOUR perspective. Everyone else has THEIR perspective, that doesnt make yours the correct one and theirs wrong.

    I would either remove the blog or family names from it as a start.

    If there is no interest from your family in any reconciliation then you need to accept that and move on - you can lead a horse to water...
    "We have normality. I repeat, we have normality. Anything you still can't cope with is therefore your own problem."
    • motorguy
    • By motorguy 10th May 18, 8:39 PM
    • 16,616 Posts
    • 9,801 Thanks
    motorguy
    Hopefully you have removed the social media posts now - it is a step in to moving on.

    I had a pretty crap unbringing, similar story to one or two others. My dad was an angry bully, control freak and a drinker - oh and he was as selfish as they come. My mum, well she is lovely but I'm sure was always teetering between sanity and insanity with her ideas.

    Anyway, took me until my thirties to begin to sort it all out, and it was painful, the realisations of how I had been treated, especially compared to my siblings. Moving on, I can say life does get better, somehow mourning the losses, rather than rejecting out of anger helps emotions settle.

    You'll no doubt find confronting those that have caused you pain won't work, likely they will resist and tell you all about you, and it is all your fault - it isn't worth it.

    I wonder if you can find a way in to therapy, and learn to take care of yourself, it really is possible to do.

    I hope it works out for you.
    Originally posted by fishybusiness
    This exactly - i in ways mourn the loss of the relationships with my brother and sister, but their relationship with me was destructive and they could see in no way the damage they were causing me and my family - not helped by the fact they sided with each other.

    Far easier for me to cut them out of my life and move on. I mourn the loss of the relationships but am a happier person because of it.
    "We have normality. I repeat, we have normality. Anything you still can't cope with is therefore your own problem."
    • nobile
    • By nobile 10th May 18, 9:05 PM
    • 503 Posts
    • 71 Thanks
    nobile
    The internet is a dangerous thing if you don't know how to use it or understand the ramifications of using it to put everything out there in the public domain.

    I was going to say, 'lesson learnt, move on' - but people seldom learn.

    Good luck
    • Charleyalmostking
    • By Charleyalmostking 11th May 18, 9:16 PM
    • 84 Posts
    • 33 Thanks
    Charleyalmostking
    My family have been like that. Ultimately i made the decision to cut them out of my life. I havent spoke to my brother in 11 years and my sister in a year.

    I wouldnt tolerate their behaviour from friends therefore i dont see why i should from family.

    BUT - there was no need at all to "go public" on a blog with their actual names. You could have put in different names if it was about getting your feelings out there. I think using names has done more harm than good.

    As people grow older it does just become about a "how are you?" at family events and thats about it. If they dont want to reach out and make better a relationship then you cant force them. Even if YOU reach out, that doesnt mean they will suddenly all become friendly again. I've tried it with my family and theres usually a bit of "yes lets try harder" but then no-one bothers.

    Also, finally, you are seeing everything from YOUR perspective. Everyone else has THEIR perspective, that doesnt make yours the correct one and theirs wrong.

    I would either remove the blog or family names from it as a start.

    If there is no interest from your family in any reconciliation then you need to accept that and move on - you can lead a horse to water...
    Originally posted by motorguy

    I DIDN'T use any names or point to anyone in specific , I literally just said ;

    "I don't have a strong relationship with my family any more, I talk to my mum and sister but not anyone else too much. We've all grown apart and I have my own different values to them as well as there's been multiple instances that I should never of had to go through from a family member. It's another reason why I want to change my life, so I can ensure my future children do not go through this and so they have a happier life that what I felt I had."

    That was just the blog post. The names here was changed for this reason , the names are made up in this thread.

    I'm keeping myself to myself unless they absolutely need my interaction.
    I'm litterally only talking to my parents and thats it and not all the time either.
    1kProject £3.70/£1,000Wedding: £625.00 / £2,500
    • motorguy
    • By motorguy 12th May 18, 5:01 PM
    • 16,616 Posts
    • 9,801 Thanks
    motorguy
    I DIDN'T use any names or point to anyone in specific , I literally just said ;

    "I don't have a strong relationship with my family any more, I talk to my mum and sister but not anyone else too much. We've all grown apart and I have my own different values to them as well as there's been multiple instances that I should never of had to go through from a family member. It's another reason why I want to change my life, so I can ensure my future children do not go through this and so they have a happier life that what I felt I had."

    That was just the blog post. The names here was changed for this reason , the names are made up in this thread.

    I'm keeping myself to myself unless they absolutely need my interaction.
    I'm litterally only talking to my parents and thats it and not all the time either.
    Originally posted by Charleyalmostking
    So how do the said family members know about it, and know its about them?

    They clearly believe it can be linked to them. Did you use your own full name for example?
    "We have normality. I repeat, we have normality. Anything you still can't cope with is therefore your own problem."
    • Charleyalmostking
    • By Charleyalmostking 12th May 18, 7:37 PM
    • 84 Posts
    • 33 Thanks
    Charleyalmostking
    So how do the said family members know about it, and know its about them?

    They clearly believe it can be linked to them. Did you use your own full name for example?
    Originally posted by motorguy
    No idea, it could have been about my mums side for all she knew.

    She knows my family have been pushing me away , they never gave a fling monkeys when i got engaged. never showed any interest when i showed my ring at a family meal.
    But my family probably has spoken and told lies about me behind their backs - they do this often, i've heard them to make it out to be my fault ... Due to this i did disconnect myself for a while.

    I was dealing with depression , dealing with the fact that my family hated my (now fiance) boyfriend even when he helped me through a lot and even when I openly said about all the good things he's done for me, my dad who punched me, my family didn't visit me in our new house for a good 7 months because 'they didn't feel welcome' even though i did invite them over 3+ times and all i got was "maybe" . No texts or calls. I was also trying to settle into a an area which i didn't know, starting anew job as well as trying to unpack and run a home for the first time away from parents plus dealing with a very ill family member.

    Yet , they didn't understand this

    It was on my blog and i did link to my instagram, which she wasn't on and she didn't follow me,
    so the only way i could think of was she had a recommendation of friends on instagram and clicked the link through there.

    I haven't been going to family events for a long time because of my work hours and because of my depression so that's probably why she thought. But I've been honest and said I couldn't because of work... I wasn't making excuses up.
    1kProject £3.70/£1,000Wedding: £625.00 / £2,500
    • JWM
    • By JWM 13th May 18, 3:36 PM
    • 293 Posts
    • 468 Thanks
    JWM
    No idea, it could have been about my mums side for all she knew.

    She knows my family have been pushing me away , they never gave a fling monkeys when i got engaged. never showed any interest when i showed my ring at a family meal.
    But my family probably has spoken and told lies about me behind their backs - they do this often, i've heard them to make it out to be my fault ... Due to this i did disconnect myself for a while.

    I was dealing with depression , dealing with the fact that my family hated my (now fiance) boyfriend even when he helped me through a lot and even when I openly said about all the good things he's done for me, my dad who punched me, my family didn't visit me in our new house for a good 7 months because 'they didn't feel welcome' even though i did invite them over 3+ times and all i got was "maybe" . No texts or calls. I was also trying to settle into a an area which i didn't know, starting anew job as well as trying to unpack and run a home for the first time away from parents plus dealing with a very ill family member.

    Yet , they didn't understand this

    It was on my blog and i did link to my instagram, which she wasn't on and she didn't follow me,
    so the only way i could think of was she had a recommendation of friends on instagram and clicked the link through there.

    I haven't been going to family events for a long time because of my work hours and because of my depression so that's probably why she thought. But I've been honest and said I couldn't because of work... I wasn't making excuses up.
    Originally posted by Charleyalmostking

    You keep making going over the same ground. He said she said. It just doesn't matter.

    You seem to want to be told that you are right. Just walk away and don't look back.

    As someone said on another of your numerous threads - you do seem a bit obsessive.
    Last edited by JWM; 14-05-2018 at 5:15 PM.
    • Charleyalmostking
    • By Charleyalmostking 13th May 18, 3:45 PM
    • 84 Posts
    • 33 Thanks
    Charleyalmostking
    It's alright the situation is past me now. I'm just going to live my life how i want . I got too much to do and think of .
    1kProject £3.70/£1,000Wedding: £625.00 / £2,500
    • AliasOmega
    • By AliasOmega 13th May 18, 10:49 PM
    • 1 Posts
    • 0 Thanks
    AliasOmega
    Hi,

    You cant fix the past, but you can fix the future.

    Try not to let the past affect the future...

    AO
    • Jojo the Tightfisted
    • By Jojo the Tightfisted 13th May 18, 11:12 PM
    • 24,245 Posts
    • 95,789 Thanks
    Jojo the Tightfisted
    Changing your online names and rebuilding your internet privacy/identity from scratch might be a plan. Your user name suggests your first name and boyfriend's surname - and as soon as somebody searches for that, you get your blog name, which then gives your Twitter handle and a photo with your hometown listed or Instagram. As you've posted multiple times on different platforms, it's easy for somebody to be 100% certain it's you from the information you've given - the chances are that they'll find you on here as well.

    Once you've made certain your privacy is improved, you can get on with your life whilst letting off steam online - and if it's all been deleted, they won't be able to come back to you with further complaints.


    By the way, if I'd been punched by somebody, I'd be more likely to call the police than engage in conversation. Cut your ties and you won't be in that situation again.
    Last edited by Jojo the Tightfisted; 13-05-2018 at 11:26 PM.
    I could dream to wide extremes, I could do or die: I could yawn and be withdrawn and watch the world go by.

    Yup you are officially Rock n Roll
    Originally posted by colinw
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