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    • andrewthomas2008
    • By andrewthomas2008 24th Apr 18, 2:18 AM
    • 163Posts
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    andrewthomas2008
    Question about harassment
    • #1
    • 24th Apr 18, 2:18 AM
    Question about harassment 24th Apr 18 at 2:18 AM
    Hi all,

    My girlfriend has reported her ex boyfriend to the Police for unwanted contact, the ex boyfriend has agreed not to contact her again but he has stated in the past that he will tell her brother that she drinks and has casual sex, as she is a Muslim she does not want her relative to know the truth.

    If her ex boyfriend mentions anything to her brother in regards to what she does in her private life, can her ex boyfriend be prosecuted for mentioning that she drinks and has casual sex.

    Will it be deemed as an malicious act to cause distress?

    Any answers on whether she could get her ex arrested and will win in a court case if it goes that far.

    Any help, will be much appreciated.

    Thank you
Page 5
    • elsien
    • By elsien 9th May 18, 3:22 PM
    • 17,122 Posts
    • 43,148 Thanks
    elsien
    My girlfriend contacted women's aid and they said if he shows any images of their relationship or any images that may cause her distress, lile her drinking or without a hijab it may fall under abuse laws, 'threatening and abusive behaviour'.
    Originally posted by andrewthomas2008
    If you read back over the thread, this point has already been covered on several occasions.
    The operative word is "may." Depending, as already said ad infinitum, on context, circumstances and pattern of behaviour.

    I'm out now and won't be commenting further - you can only go in circles for so long before you lose the will to live.
    All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.

    Pedant alert - it's could have, not could of.
    • Gavin83
    • By Gavin83 9th May 18, 3:41 PM
    • 5,307 Posts
    • 8,697 Thanks
    Gavin83
    I'm out too, to mirror elsien I feel this topic is going around in circles.

    Look, he can tell people about their relationship, most of the time without breaking any laws, especially if it's kept truthful. You seem unwilling to accept this. I'm also unsure what you actually want to hear, it's almost like you want him to go to prison for the rest of his life so he can't discuss it. It was her choice to engage in these behaviours and continue to do so. She has two choices:

    1) Own her life, being an adult and all and not be ashamed of what she chooses to do. Basically don't keep it a secret from her family.

    2) Hope he doesn't say anything but accept that if he does he probably won't get in trouble over it.

    And I second what I said before, this relationship isn't going anywhere. I'd get out now unless you're considering it an extremely casual thing, in which case it probably isn't worth the hassle anyway. She'll never fully commit to you, you are nothing more than a phase.
    • andrewthomas2008
    • By andrewthomas2008 9th May 18, 3:45 PM
    • 163 Posts
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    andrewthomas2008
    No she didn't. And no they didn't

    This is not abuse, and should never be associated with the very serious issue of abuse.

    Her drinking didn't distress her. Her choice not to wear a hijab was not abuse. just because she doesn't want her parents knowing does not make these photos abusive.

    There are 2 options here.

    1. Its all made up.
    2. both of you need to get a grip (you and your girlfriend) Wasting police time and womens aids time talking about harassment and abuse when basically it boils down to your girlfriend lying to her family and not wanting people to know and expecting the world to fall at her feet and go along with it. Its pathetic.

    Its no more 'emotional or psychological' abuse than your girlfriend is abusing her family by lying to them. She knows what she is doing would distress them, but she chooses her sex life and getting drunk over them and does it anyway. So if youre going to get her boyfriend done for abuse then you may as well have her done as well...
    Originally posted by marliepanda
    That's the email response.

    This sounds like a really difficult situation. We understand that although the images arenít intimate, it would be very distressing for you if he were to share them with your family. Abuse of any kind is wrong and you certainly donít deserve to be made to feel threatened.

    From what you have said in your email, your ex stopped contacting you after the police warned him but you still feel concerned about his past threat. While this would not be considered Ďnon-consensual sharing of intimate imagesí, abuse often breaks other laws such as threatening and abusive behaviour so it would be worth reporting if this happened. Police Scotland can also provide information, so if you would like to ask out about this you could phone on 101.

    She had reported him for abusive behaviour before, over a year ago but didn't provide full evidence and he police gave it a No further action.

    Wouldn't all that count.
    • Candyapple
    • By Candyapple 9th May 18, 3:51 PM
    • 2,943 Posts
    • 2,288 Thanks
    Candyapple
    If she can 'only marry a Muslim', then what is your plan for the future exactly? Are you hoping that one day she'll tell her family about you and then you two will be able to get married and live happily ever after?

    What is your end game? What is hers?

    You might want to watch these:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rEM5SEbqDuw
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gC_0rp8rXms
    I'm a Board Guide on the Credit Cards, Loans, Credit Files & Ratings boards. I'm a volunteer to help the boards run smoothly, and I can move and merge threads there. Any views are mine and not the official line of moneysavingexpert.com
    • k3lvc
    • By k3lvc 9th May 18, 3:53 PM
    • 2,363 Posts
    • 3,916 Thanks
    k3lvc
    That's the email response.

    This sounds like a really difficult situation. We understand that although the images arenít intimate, it would be very distressing for you if he were to share them with your family. Abuse of any kind is wrong and you certainly donít deserve to be made to feel threatened.

    From what you have said in your email, your ex stopped contacting you after the police warned him but you still feel concerned about his past threat. While this would not be considered Ďnon-consensual sharing of intimate imagesí, abuse often breaks other laws such as threatening and abusive behaviour so it would be worth reporting if this happened. Police Scotland can also provide information, so if you would like to ask out about this you could phone on 101.

    She had reported him for abusive behaviour before, over a year ago but didn't provide full evidence and he police gave it a No further action.

    Wouldn't all that count.
    Originally posted by andrewthomas2008

    It's not difficult - it's not abuse in the conventional sense and is a simple case of your GF having split priorities and having to 'own up' to parents. Blaming someone else is a cop-out of epic proportions and suggests that if she's not ready/willing to tell them herself then there's little commitment to future relationship with you. I'd be watching my back in case you're the next one to be blamed
    • andrewthomas2008
    • By andrewthomas2008 9th May 18, 4:14 PM
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    andrewthomas2008
    It's not difficult - it's not abuse in the conventional sense and is a simple case of your GF having split priorities and having to 'own up' to parents. Blaming someone else is a cop-out of epic proportions and suggests that if she's not ready/willing to tell them herself then there's little commitment to future relationship with you. I'd be watching my back in case you're the next one to be blamed
    Originally posted by k3lvc
    I understand where you guys are coming from and I need to support her, as she's distressed about what may happen.

    But we don't make the laws and Women's aid have stated that if he reveals anything it can be deemed as threatening and abusive behaviour.
    • marliepanda
    • By marliepanda 9th May 18, 4:35 PM
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    marliepanda
    I understand where you guys are coming from and I need to support her, as she's distressed about what may happen.

    But we don't make the laws and Women's aid have stated that if he reveals anything it can be deemed as threatening and abusive behaviour.
    Originally posted by andrewthomas2008
    No you are reading into what they said:

    This sounds like a really difficult situation. We understand that although the images arenít intimate, it would be very distressing for you if he were to share them with your family. Abuse of any kind is wrong and you certainly donít deserve to be made to feel threatened. This categorically does NOT state that this would be abuse. This simply states abuse is wrong. It does not say sharing of these images is abuse

    From what you have said in your email, your ex stopped contacting you after the police warned him but you still feel concerned about his past threat. While this would not be considered Ďnon-consensual sharing of intimate imagesí, abuse often breaks other laws such as threatening and abusive behaviour so it would be worth reporting if this happened. Police Scotland can also provide information, so if you would like to ask out about this you could phone on 101. Again, this is not them saying it is abuse. They are saying that if he was threatening and abusing you, then revealing these photos could be used alongside that, but he isnt!!!!
    The email from Women's Aid does not state at all that sharing images like this is abuse. Not even close.

    Stop wasting everybodys time and tell her to either abide by her parents wishes or stop expecting other people to clear up her own mess.
    • andrewthomas2008
    • By andrewthomas2008 9th May 18, 4:41 PM
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    andrewthomas2008
    No you are reading into what they said:



    The email from Women's Aid does not state at all that sharing images like this is abuse. Not even close.

    Stop wasting everybodys time and tell her to either abide by her parents wishes or stop expecting other people to clear up her own mess.
    Originally posted by marliepanda
    But he has threatened to in the past. Not recently, but she said he hasn't threatened to tell her brother in the past. So my interpretation is that since he has made these threats in the past, then it can be used against him, whether it's now or in the future. Correct me if I'm wrong.

    There are messages stating this too, although these messages were sent whilst they were sent before they stopped talking.
    Last edited by andrewthomas2008; 09-05-2018 at 4:44 PM.
    • HampshireH
    • By HampshireH 9th May 18, 6:31 PM
    • 906 Posts
    • 1,003 Thanks
    HampshireH
    I have read these 5 pages and this is what I read:

    In the past your g/f engaged in behaviour which went against the religious values of her family and ultimately her culture.

    Currently your fg/f is engaging in behaviour which goes agains the religious values of her family and ultimately her culture.

    Yet she hasn't learnt her lesson and is blaming everybody but her (or you are on her behalf - this I am not sure of). This means that in the future she will blame everybody but herself - this will almost certainly include you.

    There are women out there who are desperate for the time and support of Women's aid because they are experiencing, financial, emotional, physical and sexual abuse. They don't ask for it and they don't act in a way to give anybody a reason to abuse them in such ways.

    Their response will very much depend on what your g/f has told them.

    You have said yourself. This person has backed off. There is no current threat. Not sure why you are so nervous?

    The police are so stretched that I cannot imagine they will be remotely interested.... if something changes then that is the time she (not you) should report whomever abuses her. In the meantime she needs to get on with her life.

    Sharing a few pictures of behaviour she chose (as an adult) to engage in in public (i.e. with others present) is not an offence.
    • moneyistooshorttomention
    • By moneyistooshorttomention 10th May 18, 8:30 AM
    • 16,568 Posts
    • 45,752 Thanks
    moneyistooshorttomention
    If she can 'only marry a Muslim', then what is your plan for the future exactly? Are you hoping that one day she'll tell her family about you and then you two will be able to get married and live happily ever after?

    What is your end game? What is hers?

    You might want to watch these:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rEM5SEbqDuw
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gC_0rp8rXms
    Originally posted by Candyapple
    I think this is the concern - whether her parents are genuine parents (ie love their "child") - or otherwise ...and she may not know how to find out which of those two categories they come in.

    I can understand that there are people "living dual lives" in Britain. Some of us are too honest for our own good and stand up for normal British life regardless - but it's in a much "milder" context than that and we can only be penalised by being denied jobs we should rightfully have if working age. If retired - we are freer to say what we think and be an advocate for others experiencing unfair treatment - but we get critical comments aimed at us by some for doing so.

    In a much "milder" context of people leading dual lives - one can have someone that says they are a friend to oneself, BUT know not to trust them fully, as they put "fitting in" to immediate society around as higher priority than actually being a proper/normal friend (ie having your back and being a loyal friend). So I can guess it will be more difficult still to know whether one can trust one's parents/and other nearby relatives to be "proper parents" or whether they'd place higher priority on "fitting in with their immediate circle".

    So those of us in that position can understand why someone might decide to "lead a dual life" (as we see some people doing so - in a much milder/more penalty-free context) or refuse to "lead a dual life" and do get criticised sometimes - but at least criticism is the worst that can happen to us (and "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me").

    So - I do get why girlfriend is trying to lead a dual life - as she may well be due for worse penalties than just being criticised.

    Personally, in her position, it's up to her to have a good evaluation of whether her family would just criticise her (which they obviously certainly would) or get up to that sort of behaviour regardless of how life is here and what our laws are.

    I'm assuming they would stick to just criticising her and disinheriting her - but she may fear they come into "that" category (ie violent lawbreakers).
    Last edited by moneyistooshorttomention; 10-05-2018 at 8:41 AM.
    ****************
    • andrewthomas2008
    • By andrewthomas2008 11th May 18, 4:55 PM
    • 163 Posts
    • 25 Thanks
    andrewthomas2008
    I have read these 5 pages and this is what I read:

    In the past your g/f engaged in behaviour which went against the religious values of her family and ultimately her culture.

    Currently your fg/f is engaging in behaviour which goes agains the religious values of her family and ultimately her culture.

    Yet she hasn't learnt her lesson and is blaming everybody but her (or you are on her behalf - this I am not sure of). This means that in the future she will blame everybody but herself - this will almost certainly include you.

    There are women out there who are desperate for the time and support of Women's aid because they are experiencing, financial, emotional, physical and sexual abuse. They don't ask for it and they don't act in a way to give anybody a reason to abuse them in such ways.

    Their response will very much depend on what your g/f has told them.

    You have said yourself. This person has backed off. There is no current threat. Not sure why you are so nervous?

    The police are so stretched that I cannot imagine they will be remotely interested.... if something changes then that is the time she (not you) should report whomever abuses her. In the meantime she needs to get on with her life.

    Sharing a few pictures of behaviour she chose (as an adult) to engage in in public (i.e. with others present) is not an offence.
    Originally posted by HampshireH
    She accused him of assault before but she lied about what actually happened but they made up after that, as she recanted her statement.
    • thorsoak
    • By thorsoak 11th May 18, 5:05 PM
    • 5,719 Posts
    • 26,234 Thanks
    thorsoak
    She accused him of assault before but she lied about what actually happened but they made up after that, as she recanted her statement.
    Originally posted by andrewthomas2008
    Hmmm.....In view of the above my advice to you is to put rather a large mileage between you and this particular individual. Just in case this behaviour is repeated.
    • marliepanda
    • By marliepanda 11th May 18, 6:18 PM
    • 6,582 Posts
    • 14,085 Thanks
    marliepanda
    Again either this is totally made up or your girlfriend is an abhorrent human being and deserves everything she gets. She needs to stop wasting the time of the police and womens aid. They have people in genuine need to help, not silly little girls who want to shag around, drink whatever and lie without consequences...
    • andrewthomas2008
    • By andrewthomas2008 6th Aug 18, 1:11 PM
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    andrewthomas2008
    Sorry to continue this thread
    It's actually happened, the ex boyfriend told her brother about some of her activities and sent some pictures of her, out in bars and on holiday. He just didn't tell the brother about their relationship, but he's told him about other men she has been seeing. She's in a state now, because her brother is angry and he's saying she's embarrassed herself and the family.

    She's not sure about what to do from here, as she doesn't want him to mention anything else. She plans to go to the Police to get him arrested.

    But I'm not sure what she can do from here.
    • Comms69
    • By Comms69 6th Aug 18, 1:26 PM
    • 4,390 Posts
    • 4,207 Thanks
    Comms69
    It's actually happened, the ex boyfriend told her brother about some of her activities and sent some pictures of her, out in bars and on holiday. He just didn't tell the brother about their relationship, but he's told him about other men she has been seeing. She's in a state now, because her brother is angry and he's saying she's embarrassed herself and the family.

    She's not sure about what to do from here, as she doesn't want him to mention anything else. She plans to go to the Police to get him arrested.

    But I'm not sure what she can do from here.
    Originally posted by andrewthomas2008
    She cant. She doesn't own the photos. The photos are not of an intimate nature.


    No-one can dictate to him what he says and does. Im not sure who you or she thinks you are, but you absolutely have no right to restrict his freedom of speech.
    • Rubik
    • By Rubik 6th Aug 18, 1:30 PM
    • 160 Posts
    • 292 Thanks
    Rubik
    While I appreciate there are cultural issues here, your g/f does need to take ownership of her own activities - no one forced her to go out drinking, or have sexual partners. Unless she seriously expected to live her social life in a bubble, at some point in the future, her family were going to find out that she was behaving as exactly as any other young person would do - living a life, having fun and meeting people.

    What would getting him arrested achieve? Absolutely nothing.
    • marliepanda
    • By marliepanda 6th Aug 18, 1:36 PM
    • 6,582 Posts
    • 14,085 Thanks
    marliepanda
    Weird how these posts coincide with school holidays.

    To anyone else silly enough to think you can get someone arrested for sharing holiday snaps, you cant.

    Youve been told a hundred times here she cannot get him arrested.

    either you are

    a) not listening
    b) ignorant (to put it politely)
    c) thinking if you ask the same question 20 times you will get a different answer
    d) trolling.
    • Comms69
    • By Comms69 6th Aug 18, 1:40 PM
    • 4,390 Posts
    • 4,207 Thanks
    Comms69
    Just to add: https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.php?t=5503655
    thread where OP apparently had pictures his ex wasn't happy with.


    the photos were taken on this https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.php?t=5496367 holiday just a few days prior.


    The OP has a daughter now: https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.php?t=5639485
    (who's just finished her SATS)

    and a son https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.php?t=5343646


    Here's a full list for anyone interested https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/search.php?searchid=177929887
    Last edited by Comms69; 06-08-2018 at 1:46 PM.
    • andrewthomas2008
    • By andrewthomas2008 6th Aug 18, 1:41 PM
    • 163 Posts
    • 25 Thanks
    andrewthomas2008
    Weird how these posts coincide with school holidays.

    To anyone else silly enough to think you can get someone arrested for sharing holiday snaps, you cant.

    Youve been told a hundred times here she cannot get him arrested.

    either you are

    a) not listening
    b) ignorant (to put it politely)
    c) thinking if you ask the same question 20 times you will get a different answer
    d) trolling.
    Originally posted by marliepanda
    Sorry but I'm not trolling but he told her he'd do it in the past, just wondering if that was an offence, linked to harassment
    • Comms69
    • By Comms69 6th Aug 18, 1:41 PM
    • 4,390 Posts
    • 4,207 Thanks
    Comms69
    Weird how these posts coincide with school holidays.

    To anyone else silly enough to think you can get someone arrested for sharing holiday snaps, you cant.

    Youve been told a hundred times here she cannot get him arrested.

    either you are

    a) not listening
    b) ignorant (to put it politely)
    c) thinking if you ask the same question 20 times you will get a different answer
    d) trolling.
    Originally posted by marliepanda
    Check out the thread I linked where the OP was the one threatened with arrest.
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