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  • FIRST POST
    • view
    • By view 22nd Apr 18, 6:18 AM
    • 2,173Posts
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    view
    What would you do?
    • #1
    • 22nd Apr 18, 6:18 AM
    What would you do? 22nd Apr 18 at 6:18 AM
    We emigrated away from the UK last year. Although I'm from this country, I had lived very happily in the UK for nearly 14 years.

    Reasons for moving - uncertainty in my OH's industry, pay cut, stagnant salary, no career progression and OH was looking for somewhere with more sunshine. OH was a bit fed up I guess and when they were offered a higher role, with a much healthier salary in sunnier climes, we went for it.

    I was up for it too, why not try it out! Put a lot into organising the visa and sorting out details. We spent £22,000 moving here - many others spend over double that so although £22,000 is a huge amount we kept an eye on costs.

    Here's the thing. Within two weeks I knew it was the wrong decision (for me). OH is doing wonderfully in their role. Colleagues are lovely, really enjoying the role, making some great positive changes and is really respected and liked by staff. The salary is double what he was earning in pounds and although it's not exactly cheap to live here I am able to take my time finding employment, looking after our wee one and settling into life. I know money is absolutely not the be all and end all it definitely helps to not worry about bills and have savings (for once!).

    On paper it looks great. My heart just tells me it's wrong. I can't put it into words. I know I belong back in the UK. We've been here for nearly ten months now although I'm not spending every day secretly crying and scolding myself for ever doing this anymore, I'm in 'acceptance' mode but nothing has changed. I've thrown myself into meeting people, doing new things, we experience new things as a family each weekend.

    Overall it's a lovely place to be - clean streets, lovely spacious parks, people are very friendly, helpful and very outdoorsy. We don't have a lot of savings but put some away trying to get a deposit for a home. As mentioned, OH loves the role and is really enjoying being here. I don't have much family, we are almost strangers and they are a long plane ride away anyway.

    Thanks for staying with me so far!

    Eventually this all came to a head and we had almighty rows about 'why did we bother to come here at all' (OH), 'we spent money that could have been for a house in the UK' (OH). I absolutely agree on all accounts. I can only say I did not know how I would feel living here until I did. I'm not from anywhere near the part we're living in and have never been to this city.

    OH has now agreed that we can make a decision in just under two years about what to do. OH is not wanting to ever go back to UK. They are very worried about what BREXIT will do and worried about getting another job in their industry. I do have the same fears.

    I ask for advice. Am I being utterly stupidly ridiculous?! Giving up a good salary, savings, OH loving it, good job, lovely country, nice lifestyle for potential struggle and no clear straightforward path back in UK.

    I am just not happy inside. I cannot see myself, us, spending the rest of our days here. I pine for the UK. It's not 'homesickness' it's just the full comprehension that the UK is my true home.

    I just wish I could say the salary, job, lifestyle outweighs the feeling of utter depression being here.

    Very very grateful for any advice.
    In the clean land of big blue skies, bright sunshine and very friendly people. Hoping to move back to the UK soon.....
Page 2
    • Jojo the Tightfisted
    • By Jojo the Tightfisted 22nd Apr 18, 1:13 PM
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    Jojo the Tightfisted
    The trouble is that your OH could be feeling exactly the same about where you are now as you felt about the UK.

    If money isn't an issue, could there be opportunities for volunteering? Setting up your own business? At present, you're somebody with no current experience in the country. Either of these could help you look better on applications, suggest to a potential employer that you aren't just here for a short time before leaving again, and, like it or not, if you've got one small child, a lot of employers in both there and the UK would likely think 'well, they're going to be wanting to have Baby #2 in the next year or so' - doing something contradicts that unspoken assumption.

    I wouldn't hang my hopes upon returning to the UK - it's looking to become a very hostile place. Is there not perhaps somewhere in the country you are in (or relatively nearby) that is more similar in climate? For example, if you are in Australia now, perhaps New Zealand might be more akin to the environment you like (I have friends who emigrated to the first but didn't like it, decided to try NZ and found that, to them, it had everything they liked about the UK/very little of what they disliked about Australia/and was better than both in other ways)? If you're in the US, there's (apparently, I've never been, but the geography, demographics and economics seem pretty obviously so) a world of difference between Florida, Iowa, New England and Hawaii.

    I've also got friends who emigrated last year to somewhere where one is feeling quite homesick, doesn't speak the particular variation of the language very well and finds it difficult - but is determined to make it her home. She's working remotely with her old employer so that she still has her own money and can fit it in round language lessons. She definitely wanted to make the change and, even though she is always certain it was what she wanted, even she finds it sad at times. It's normal to feel a bit adrift, I think, when you don't have something to do. And plenty of us feel like we've made a huge mistake when all we've done is move a couple of miles down the road or changed job, never mind when we've left everything and everyone we know and travelled thousands of miles away - but that can fade in time.


    There aren't any magical solutions to this. But keep talking - rather than arguing - look for things that will make you feel good, look for ways to be busy whilst looking for employment and accept that whilst it might be a mistake, it could be a blip in what might turn out to be the happiest times in your lives.
    I could dream to wide extremes, I could do or die: I could yawn and be withdrawn and watch the world go by.

    Yup you are officially Rock n Roll
    Originally posted by colinw
    • Poor_Single_lady
    • By Poor_Single_lady 22nd Apr 18, 3:46 PM
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    Poor_Single_lady
    why would a new area help though. What the OP is saying is that the UK is where she wants to be even though where she is now is great.

    The way it was for me was a lot like the previous poster writing about her mum in Australia.

    To maybe explain it- I think it's a bit like trying to replace your husband/wife overnight with a new husband and the new one is great and kind and polite but he just isn't right and it just doesn't fit. Even though absolutely nothing is wrong. And you definately don't feel any hate or ill feeling - you just want the one you had.
    It wouldn't make a difference to try a new husband because only the old one was right.
    2017- 5 credit cards plus loan
    Overdraft And 1 credit card paid off.

    2018 plans - reduce debt
    • Happier Me
    • By Happier Me 22nd Apr 18, 5:01 PM
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    Happier Me
    My previous comment wasn't meant to be hurtful but as you put it more food for thought. My point was that it will be a bigger transition for your husband if he's settled into his new home AND he has the added pressure of securing the main wage to support your family unit back in the UK. It seems like a big ask! If you do still want to relocate in the future then you are more likely to get his agreement if you can share that responsibility or even take the lead in making the move to the UK happen. In the meantime do your best to embrace your new life to see if you can make it your home!
    • CRANKY40
    • By CRANKY40 22nd Apr 18, 5:39 PM
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    CRANKY40
    Maybe you need a longer term plan. If your OH is making enough money for you to save then save hard with the ultimate goal being to move back to the UK with enough funds to not have to worry if he can't find a job,

    Try and look upon your input now as part of your job. You don't like it that much but it's something that you have to do to secure your future. Maybe you could look at saving enough to part pay for a UK home then rent it out so you are sure you have a UK base for the future. That way, when you next talk you can agree a more realistic timescale for things.
    • FBaby
    • By FBaby 22nd Apr 18, 5:53 PM
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    FBaby
    I was up for it too, why not try it out!
    It might be unfair to say this but if you'd been that happy in the UK, knowing about your country -surely, even if you've grown up in a different part, you would have known what the weather and lifestyle was where you are now- you wouldn't have been up for it and certainly not spent £22K to just try it out for under 12 months.

    Without undermining your feelings because they are what they are, if I were your OH, I would be utterly frustrated with your attitude. Because of the above and because you can't really give a real reason for wanting to go back.

    I'm wondering whether the problem is you being home with your little one and needing to be working to expand your horizon. Maybe you feel isolated in unfamiliar surroundings.

    It's not 'homesickness' it's just the full comprehension that the UK is my true home.
    If that was the case, then you would have known when you were there and wouldn't have agreed to move in the first place. I think what you are describing is exactly what homesickness is. It takes a long time to adjust to a new country. I've lived in three different ones, and both times I moved, it took more than a year to feel at home there. It was very odd when I felt so homesick for my home country when I first moved, yet when I moved the third time, it's the second country I felt homesick for, the one that felt that it was my true home. I'm pretty certain that if I moved again and felt homesick, it would be for the UK. So no, I don't believe there is a 'true' home but it takes a long time to make our new home feel like ours.

    I definitely think you need to give it longer and then go away on holiday and come back to maybe feel for the first time that you are coming home.
    • sheramber
    • By sheramber 22nd Apr 18, 6:10 PM
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    sheramber
    A friend was desperate to move to Australia so he and his wife and son and family sold up and emigrated when he retired.

    His wife didn't settle. She was very shy and didn't make friends in Australia. She was very unhappy and wanted to return to UK.

    After 3 years they returned to UK. Bought a new house, furnished it etc.

    1year later they admitted it had been a mistake. They sold up, again, and returned to Australia and are still there.
    • humptydumptybits
    • By humptydumptybits 9th May 18, 4:50 PM
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    humptydumptybits
    A friend was desperate to move to Australia so he and his wife and son and family sold up and emigrated when he retired.

    His wife didn't settle. She was very shy and didn't make friends in Australia. She was very unhappy and wanted to return to UK.

    After 3 years they returned to UK. Bought a new house, furnished it etc.

    1year later they admitted it had been a mistake. They sold up, again, and returned to Australia and are still there.
    Originally posted by sheramber
    I know someone who did the same except they came back from Australia a second time. Messed up their kids as parents always seemed unsettled/unhappy plus changing schools, losing friends. When the eldest grew up he tried to go back to Australia but due to health issues wasn't able to and he suffered chronic depression. He is quite a sad character in his 50s now.

    I think getting a job might help so if I was you I would keep plugging away at that. Hope it works out.
    • beckysheffield
    • By beckysheffield 16th Jun 18, 1:54 PM
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    beckysheffield
    Sounds like you are in Australia and itís a much better place to live long term. Give it a few years and you will come back to the U.K. and feeling like a stranger and how things are so much easier where you live.
    • seven-day-weekend
    • By seven-day-weekend 16th Jun 18, 2:04 PM
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    seven-day-weekend
    That's fine to disagree but having lived abroad I can say with complete certainty a place is not just a place.
    Originally posted by Poor_Single_lady
    So can I. We lived in rural Spain for eight years, and whilst I liked living there, it was never 'home' and I never envisaged myself living there permanently. Nothing to do with reason or logic, just a gut feeling.

    I feel for the OP. However, if her husband is adamant that he will 'never return to the UK', then there are only three options, as far as I can see.

    1. Stay in the country they live in now, as a couple.
    2. Move to another country, or another part of the country they are in now, as a couple.
    3. She return to the UK alone (which presumably will be the end of the marriage).

    If A or B is chosen, then she will somehow have to try to make it home. I don't know how you do this.
    Last edited by seven-day-weekend; 16-06-2018 at 2:51 PM.
    Member #10 of £2 savers club
    • Archergirl
    • By Archergirl 16th Jun 18, 3:02 PM
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    Archergirl
    I find it odd that we don't know where view actually is.....
    I know 2 lots of people who emigrated to Oz came back and went again, one couple twice, they call them boomerang Brits over there.....
    I have traveled extensively and I think the only other place I could live is Oz, every where else I do feel like a foreigner.
    • liuhutOz
    • By liuhutOz 20th Jun 18, 1:28 PM
    • 145 Posts
    • 541 Thanks
    liuhutOz
    I find it odd that we don't know where view actually is.....
    I know 2 lots of people who emigrated to Oz came back and went again, one couple twice, they call them boomerang Brits over there.....
    I have traveled extensively and I think the only other place I could live is Oz, every where else I do feel like a foreigner.
    Originally posted by Archergirl
    Its Ping Pong Poms that we are known as!
    I moved to Australia 9 years ago. I could have gone home every day the first year, and now I'm settled its very rare that I get homesick, although I did feel it when the wedding was on.
    Formally liuhut
    WIN £2008 in 2008 £1836.31 2009 wins - £91!!! 2010 6170.... wins 2011 aprox 2000
    • Candyapple
    • By Candyapple 20th Jun 18, 3:59 PM
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    Candyapple
    In the clean land of big blue skies, bright sunshine and very friendly people. Hoping to move back to the UK soon.....
    Originally posted by view
    The above is your signature.

    The below is your reality.

    OH has now agreed that we can make a decision in just under two years about what to do. OH is not wanting to ever go back to UK.
    Originally posted by view
    I think you should have a serious chat with your OH now, rather than wasting a further 2 years being unhappy.

    By the sounds of it, you are both stringing each other along - you by having made plans, albeit in your mind only for now, to already move back to the UK, and your OH by putting off the conversation until 2 years time in the hopes that you will have changed your tune by then/he has no plans whatsoever to go back.

    Countless people over the years have moved countries and back again for whatever reasons, regardless of the huge financial costs for them to do so. You only have 1 life, no point spending it in misery. If you really want to move back to the UK then you need to factor into that decision whether that would be the end of your marriage or not (if your husband doesn't want to move back).
    I'm a Board Guide on the Credit Cards, Loans, Credit Files & Ratings boards. I'm a volunteer to help the boards run smoothly, and I can move and merge threads there. Any views are mine and not the official line of moneysavingexpert.com
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