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  • FIRST POST
    Butterfly Butterkins
    Sexless Marriage
    • #1
    • 16th Apr 18, 4:30 PM
    Sexless Marriage 16th Apr 18 at 4:30 PM
    Hi, long time lurker but now need advice/opinions. This isn’t something I can speak to close friends/family

    Married 19 years, last 7/8 years no sex. Is it ok for the ‘frustrated’ partner to visit sex worker?

    It came about when a condom fell out of bag. He said he’d used it for sex because he hadn’t had any form of intimacy from me for years. He goes for b***job/hand***** and has only had penetrative sex a few times.

    I guess the reason for lack of intimacy was because we were not able to have children and I started having menstrual probs and had a hysterectomy just over a year ago. He says i fulfill him 95% of the time, we have a good life, no money worries, have a lovely house etc

    I just wish he’d sat me down properly years ago to explain what was lacking in his life. If i’d not seen the condom, i would be none the wiser

    Your thoughts pls
Page 2
    • GlasweJen
    • By GlasweJen 17th Apr 18, 7:12 AM
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    GlasweJen
    Withholding all forms all sexual contact as hinted at in the OP is counted as a form of coersive abuse these days. Obviously it's not abusive if it's a mutual decision but if someone is holding all the cards and refusing all sexual contact and their partner can't seek out contact elsewhere it is abusive. Even disabled people can have sex, it's not an excuse to not even attempt at having any semblance of a sex life for 8 years and not even ask your partner what he's feeling or how he's coping with it.
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    • Gloomendoom
    • By Gloomendoom 17th Apr 18, 7:28 AM
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    Gloomendoom
    it's very sad if one person still wants a sex life and the other doesn't, and hard to see a workable compromise.
    Originally posted by Alikay
    Strikes me that there doesn't seem to be any physical reason why the OP can't satisfy the majority of her husband's sexual needs in the same way as the services he is buying from the sex workers.
    Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.” - Mark Twain
    • hollydays
    • By hollydays 17th Apr 18, 8:56 AM
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    hollydays
    OP I think it is fair to say you do not think sex is something that is particularly important in a marriage?
    • NBLondon
    • By NBLondon 17th Apr 18, 9:30 AM
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    NBLondon
    The OP said
    He says i fulfill him 95% of the time
    Originally posted by Butterfly Butterkins
    so
    Strikes me that there doesn't seem to be any physical reason why the OP can't satisfy the majority of her husband's sexual needs in the same way as the services he is buying from the sex workers.
    Originally posted by Gloomendoom
    is possibly correct.

    I think there are multiple definitions of "intimacy" going on here... No intimacy would suggest no kissing, cuddling or anything. Now, it's not the OP's fault that her health problems may make sexual activity awkward/uncomfortable/painful - and mess up her libido and self-confidence as well and it may well be difficult to discuss with a partner and find new/alternative ways for both of them to enjoy each other. So it's not actively withholding intimacy.

    As was said right at the top - if the OP is OK with it as a form of physical release - that's their business. If he'd felt able to discuss earlier, maybe they could have worked out a solution that didn't involve paying (this is MSE you know!) or agreed to accept that as a solution with no emotional ties i.e. better than an affair. Although - he might also have found it difficult to bring up the subject if all else is good in the relationship and thought he had a solution of "What BB doesn't know about, won't hurt her".

    The question is: is he getting something else from the experience? Maybe even the thrill of transgression?

    Hope you work it out...
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    • Gavin83
    • By Gavin83 17th Apr 18, 9:52 AM
    • 5,320 Posts
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    Gavin83
    I'm shocked that a poster here said a lack of sex is abuse! Nonsense.
    Originally posted by Fireflyaway
    For the record I didn't agree with this either but when we had a topic on the new abuse laws a lack of sex was listed as a definition.
    • hollydays
    • By hollydays 17th Apr 18, 9:57 AM
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    hollydays
    For the record I didn't agree with this either but when we had a topic on the new abuse laws a lack of sex was listed as a definition.
    Originally posted by Gavin83
    Several other posters have corrected you on this.
    • onomatopoeia99
    • By onomatopoeia99 17th Apr 18, 10:02 AM
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    onomatopoeia99
    I just wish he’d sat me down properly years ago to explain what was lacking in his life.
    Originally posted by Butterfly Butterkins
    I'm astonished you did not understand the effect on your partner of witholding physical intimacy in committed relationship without needing to be told by him. Visiting a SW wouldn't be my choice, I'm someone for whom emotional and physical intimacy go hand in hand so I would not purchase the services of a lady of negotiable affection, but I would equally feel terribly emotionally rejected and harmed by a partner who continually refused physical intimacy.

    Have you never spoken in any depth about your continuing refusal to have sex? Ever considered the effect on your husband? Or spoken to your GP about your seeming total lack of desire?

    Or, looking at this another way, is it possible you are asexual? You haven't written about your sex life before 8 years ago other than in the context of procreation. When you were sexually active, was it out of desire for your partner or as a necessary step in reproduction?
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    • Anoneemoose
    • By Anoneemoose 17th Apr 18, 11:25 AM
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    Anoneemoose
    I may be barking up the wrong tree here, but surely it’s just as much as the husband’s fault for not mentioning how he feels and not communicating properly BEFORE using the services of someone else.

    And from what I can see, OP hasn’t indicated they are deliberately or consciously withholding it. It sounds like the situation has occurred due to a combination of different sets of unfortunate circumstances.

    I agree that 7/8 years is a long time but most relationships go through ups and downs with everything, not just the physical stuff. My friend told me last year she hadn’t had sex with her husband for 5 years. He’s not bothered and she wouldn’t go elsewhere. It happens. I appreciate that OP’s husband can’t be ok with it all, but that’s no excuse for not communicating that to his wife.

    OP, I don’t have any specific advice, but, as others say, if you’re ok with it then it shouldn’t matter what anyone else thinks.
    • Gavin83
    • By Gavin83 17th Apr 18, 1:19 PM
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    Gavin83
    Several other posters have corrected you on this.
    Originally posted by hollydays
    And others have agreed with me. Besides for it to be a correction they have to be right, which isn't necessarily the case. Withholding sex can be a form of abuse, that's a fact, the only debate here is if that's applicable in this case. We really don't have enough information to go on currently but it is clear her partner does still want a sexual relationship.

    I struggle to believe they haven't discussed this at all during the 8 years so until she comes back with more info we'll just be in the dark.
    • shapala
    • By shapala 17th Apr 18, 2:14 PM
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    shapala
    OP I think it is fair to say you do not think sex is something that is particularly important in a marriage?
    Originally posted by hollydays
    I would hint that our very own PM is in the same boat as the op. Maybe the op is the PM.
    • Gloomendoom
    • By Gloomendoom 17th Apr 18, 2:18 PM
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    Gloomendoom
    I would hint that our very own PM is in the same boat as the op. Maybe the op is the PM.
    Originally posted by shapala
    Theresa May? Do you have a source for that?
    Last edited by Gloomendoom; 17-04-2018 at 2:21 PM. Reason: Spelling
    Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.” - Mark Twain
    • suejb2
    • By suejb2 17th Apr 18, 2:46 PM
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    suejb2
    Thoughts
    My thoughts.

    No way will a sex worker accept a client bringing their own condoms!

    The menstrual problems and hysterectomy are irrelevant regarding the mechanics of giving a bl#w j#b and h#nd j#b. Not sure why I added the ## in there, the words don't look so hard, pun intended!

    It doesn't sound like either of you have 'sat down' to discuss each other's point.

    Like others have said, what strangers on a forum think is irrelevant. You'll always get a varied response, for and against. What suits me may not suit A. N. Other. What matters are yours and his feelings.
    Life is like a bath, the longer you are in it the more wrinkly you become.
    • NeilCr
    • By NeilCr 17th Apr 18, 3:27 PM
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    NeilCr
    And others have agreed with me. Besides for it to be a correction they have to be right, which isn't necessarily the case. Withholding sex can be a form of abuse, that's a fact, the only debate here is if that's applicable in this case. We really don't have enough information to go on currently but it is clear her partner does still want a sexual relationship.

    I struggle to believe they haven't discussed this at all during the 8 years so until she comes back with more info we'll just be in the dark.
    Originally posted by Gavin83
    By the sound of it "banned from bed" looks like withholding sex may have been part of the control in this current case

    https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2018/04/16/controlling-girlfriend-first-woman-convicted-new-domestic-abuse/

    Not in any way saying that this is the same as the OP's situation.

    I can't say I am particularly surprised that the matter of lack of sex hasn't been discussed by OP and her husband. I think that this happens more than we believe in relationships. It sort of drifts along and, after a while, no-one actually wants to raise the subject.
    • takethemon
    • By takethemon 18th Apr 18, 2:34 AM
    • 111 Posts
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    takethemon
    After 7/8 years I am not surprised that he feels the need to go elsewhere.
    • pearl123
    • By pearl123 18th Apr 18, 4:34 PM
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    pearl123
    After 7/8 years I am not surprised that he feels the need to go elsewhere.
    Originally posted by takethemon
    Some people when they age no longer feel like sex. Particularly, women who hit the menopause. Likewise, men can of course have some issues too!
    • hollydays
    • By hollydays 19th Apr 18, 9:05 PM
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    hollydays
    And others have agreed with me. Besides for it to be a correction they have to be right, which isn't necessarily the case. Withholding sex can be a form of abuse, that's a fact, the only debate here is if that's applicable in this case. We really don't have enough information to go on currently but it is clear her partner does still want a sexual relationship.

    I struggle to believe they haven't discussed this at all during the 8 years so until she comes back with more info we'll just be in the dark.
    Originally posted by Gavin83
    Que? You are taking nonsense
    • Gloomendoom
    • By Gloomendoom 19th Apr 18, 9:47 PM
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    Gloomendoom
    Que? You are taking nonsense
    Originally posted by hollydays
    It made sense to me.
    Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.” - Mark Twain
    • hollydays
    • By hollydays 20th Apr 18, 9:41 AM
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    hollydays
    Just to reiterate for those who always like to take the ( predictable and boring) stance that dv does not exist/ is exaggerated ( usually people who have been accused of do themselves).

    Withholding affection / sex on its own own is not a proof of domestic violence / coercive control.

    As a pattern of behaviour with other behaviours it can be.
    Hope this puts you straight.
    However if you would like to provide a link from a respected source that says withholding affection on its own is coercive control, I would be delighted and amazed
    Last edited by hollydays; 20-04-2018 at 9:46 AM.
    • Mela322
    • By Mela322 20th Apr 18, 2:27 PM
    • 111 Posts
    • 102 Thanks
    Mela322
    You talk about no sex for 7-8 years and caught your husband cheating but where do you want the marriage on a whole to go? You don't say how you feel about sex now or that you want to try and fix the issues that are on your side. I get the impression that you are ok with him having sex elsewhere as it gets you off the hook.

    What is a marriage without intimacy if there isn't a genuine reason that you can't be intimate? I would die inside if my husband went elsewhere. Even if you're not up for sex, why not make him feel special with kissing and cuddling and then, um, yeah, going to town on him?
    • pelirocco
    • By pelirocco 20th Apr 18, 4:04 PM
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    pelirocco
    Its only OK if you are Ok with it OP
    But to be honest it sounds like a line that someone comes out with when they have been caught out but dont want to admit they are in the wrong . If lack of intimacy is a problem for him , then he is responsible for discussing this with you and hopefully sorting it out . If you still dont want that, then he has to make the decision whether to stay or go , there is no excuse for cheating on you behind your back .....It isnt your fault
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