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  • FIRST POST
    Butterfly Butterkins
    Sexless Marriage
    • #1
    • 16th Apr 18, 4:30 PM
    Sexless Marriage 16th Apr 18 at 4:30 PM
    Hi, long time lurker but now need advice/opinions. This isn’t something I can speak to close friends/family

    Married 19 years, last 7/8 years no sex. Is it ok for the ‘frustrated’ partner to visit sex worker?

    It came about when a condom fell out of bag. He said he’d used it for sex because he hadn’t had any form of intimacy from me for years. He goes for b***job/hand***** and has only had penetrative sex a few times.

    I guess the reason for lack of intimacy was because we were not able to have children and I started having menstrual probs and had a hysterectomy just over a year ago. He says i fulfill him 95% of the time, we have a good life, no money worries, have a lovely house etc

    I just wish he’d sat me down properly years ago to explain what was lacking in his life. If i’d not seen the condom, i would be none the wiser

    Your thoughts pls
Page 1
    • RD42
    • By RD42 16th Apr 18, 4:38 PM
    • 40 Posts
    • 25 Thanks
    RD42
    • #2
    • 16th Apr 18, 4:38 PM
    • #2
    • 16th Apr 18, 4:38 PM
    Hi, long time lurker but now need advice/opinions. This isn’t something I can speak to close friends/family

    Married 19 years, last 7/8 years no sex. Is it ok for the ‘frustrated’ partner to visit sex worker?

    It came about when a condom fell out of bag. He said he’d used it for sex because he hadn’t had any form of intimacy from me for years. He goes for b***job/hand***** and has only had penetrative sex a few times.

    I guess the reason for lack of intimacy was because we were not able to have children and I started having menstrual probs and had a hysterectomy just over a year ago. He says i fulfill him 95% of the time, we have a good life, no money worries, have a lovely house etc

    I just wish he’d sat me down properly years ago to explain what was lacking in his life. If i’d not seen the condom, i would be none the wiser

    Your thoughts pls
    Originally posted by Butterfly Butterkins
    Yes, it's fine.
    • pearl123
    • By pearl123 16th Apr 18, 4:47 PM
    • 1,431 Posts
    • 2,110 Thanks
    pearl123
    • #3
    • 16th Apr 18, 4:47 PM
    • #3
    • 16th Apr 18, 4:47 PM
    Why should it matter if strangers think it's ok or not?
    It's your opinion which counts! Your having a relationship with him.
    Are you happy about it?
    • lika_86
    • By lika_86 16th Apr 18, 5:04 PM
    • 1,268 Posts
    • 4,614 Thanks
    lika_86
    • #4
    • 16th Apr 18, 5:04 PM
    • #4
    • 16th Apr 18, 5:04 PM
    If it is discussed and agreed between two partners who are aware of what's going on, then yes.

    If done in secret without the other party knowing or having had a chance to object, then no, massive betrayal of trust.
    • Gavin83
    • By Gavin83 16th Apr 18, 5:09 PM
    • 5,253 Posts
    • 8,596 Thanks
    Gavin83
    • #5
    • 16th Apr 18, 5:09 PM
    • #5
    • 16th Apr 18, 5:09 PM
    I think both parties are to blame here. His mistake was not discussing his issues and going behind your back. Your mistake was withholding intimacy, which is actually considered a form of abuse now and believing that he should just get on with this.

    On the face of it your relationship seems a prime candidate for counselling as the communication has clearly broken down.
    • BrassicWoman
    • By BrassicWoman 16th Apr 18, 5:36 PM
    • 1,711 Posts
    • 7,022 Thanks
    BrassicWoman
    • #6
    • 16th Apr 18, 5:36 PM
    • #6
    • 16th Apr 18, 5:36 PM
    as long as he was being safe and it came out of his money, it wouldn't bother me
    Jan 18 grocery challenge £105.13/ £150
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 16th Apr 18, 6:25 PM
    • 20,548 Posts
    • 55,249 Thanks
    Pollycat
    • #7
    • 16th Apr 18, 6:25 PM
    • #7
    • 16th Apr 18, 6:25 PM
    Hi, long time lurker but now need advice/opinions. This isn’t something I can speak to close friends/family

    Married 19 years, last 7/8 years no sex. Is it ok for the ‘frustrated’ partner to visit sex worker?

    It came about when a condom fell out of bag. He said he’d used it for sex because he hadn’t had any form of intimacy from me for years. He goes for b***job/hand***** and has only had penetrative sex a few times.

    I guess the reason for lack of intimacy was because we were not able to have children and I started having menstrual probs and had a hysterectomy just over a year ago. He says i fulfill him 95% of the time, we have a good life, no money worries, have a lovely house etc

    I just wish he’d sat me down properly years ago to explain what was lacking in his life. If i’d not seen the condom, i would be none the wiser

    Your thoughts pls
    Originally posted by Butterfly Butterkins
    Is it OK with you?

    It doesn't matter what anybody else thinks.
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 16th Apr 18, 6:28 PM
    • 29,631 Posts
    • 75,766 Thanks
    Mojisola
    • #8
    • 16th Apr 18, 6:28 PM
    • #8
    • 16th Apr 18, 6:28 PM
    He said he’d used it for sex because he hadn’t had any form of intimacy from me for years. He goes for b***job/hand***** and has only had penetrative sex a few times.

    I guess the reason for lack of intimacy was because we were not able to have children and I started having menstrual probs and had a hysterectomy just over a year ago.

    He says i fulfill him 95% of the time, we have a good life, no money worries, have a lovely house etc
    Originally posted by Butterfly Butterkins
    It would be worth trying some counseling - would you consider doing for him what he's paying a stranger for?
    • cjdavies
    • By cjdavies 16th Apr 18, 6:50 PM
    • 3,463 Posts
    • 3,702 Thanks
    cjdavies
    • #9
    • 16th Apr 18, 6:50 PM
    • #9
    • 16th Apr 18, 6:50 PM
    He cheated on you and was caught.
    • Cheeky_Monkey
    • By Cheeky_Monkey 16th Apr 18, 6:59 PM
    • 1,752 Posts
    • 3,706 Thanks
    Cheeky_Monkey
    I guess the reason for lack of intimacy was because we were not able to have children and I started having menstrual probs and had a hysterectomy just over a year ago. He says i fulfill him 95% of the time, we have a good life, no money worries, have a lovely house etc

    I just wish he!!!8217;d sat me down properly years ago to explain what was lacking in his life. If i!!!8217;d not seen the condom, i would be none the wiser

    Your thoughts pls
    Originally posted by Butterfly Butterkins
    I would have thought it was pretty obvious what was lacking in his life. As you were the reason for it, I'm surprised that you needed telling.

    I expect he also wishes that you had sat him down years ago to explain why you were unable to have any form of intimacy with him!

    Personally, it think it's ok for him to be doing what he's doing and, frankly, most people wouldn't blame him.
    Last edited by Cheeky_Monkey; 16-04-2018 at 7:02 PM.
    I used to be indecisive - now I'm not so sure
  • archived user
    I think both parties are to blame here. His mistake was not discussing his issues and going behind your back. Your mistake was withholding intimacy, which is actually considered a form of abuse now and believing that he should just get on with this.
    Originally posted by Gavin83
    I agree. Your choice as to whether you remain celibate or not but your forcing the choice on your husband.

    Your choice as to whether you are willing to put up with it, like its his choice as to whether he is going to stay in a sexless marriage.

    Or of course, you both could carry on burying your heads in the sand.
    • nobile
    • By nobile 16th Apr 18, 7:08 PM
    • 506 Posts
    • 71 Thanks
    nobile
    Were you really none the wiser after 7-8 years of no intimacy?

    I don't blame the guy. I'd have been after explanations after a few weeks once recovered from the surgery!
    • waamo
    • By waamo 16th Apr 18, 8:16 PM
    • 3,919 Posts
    • 5,120 Thanks
    waamo
    Hi, long time lurker but now need advice/opinions. This isn’t something I can speak to close friends/family

    Married 19 years, last 7/8 years no sex. Is it ok for the ‘frustrated’ partner to visit sex worker?

    It came about when a condom fell out of bag. He said he’d used it for sex because he hadn’t had any form of intimacy from me for years. He goes for b***job/hand***** and has only had penetrative sex a few times.

    I guess the reason for lack of intimacy was because we were not able to have children and I started having menstrual probs and had a hysterectomy just over a year ago. He says i fulfill him 95% of the time, we have a good life, no money worries, have a lovely house etc

    I just wish he’d sat me down properly years ago to explain what was lacking in his life. If i’d not seen the condom, i would be none the wiser

    Your thoughts pls
    Originally posted by Butterfly Butterkins
    I never knew you had to provide your own condoms. That surprises me a little, I would have thought they would have been provided.
    This space for hire.
    • z1a
    • By z1a 16th Apr 18, 8:43 PM
    • 1,432 Posts
    • 1,377 Thanks
    z1a
    I never knew you had to provide your own condoms. That surprises me a little, I would have thought they would have been provided.
    Originally posted by waamo
    I believe they are provided then the pro. knows they haven't been tampered with.
    • waamo
    • By waamo 16th Apr 18, 8:52 PM
    • 3,919 Posts
    • 5,120 Thanks
    waamo
    I believe they are provided then the pro. knows they haven't been tampered with.
    Originally posted by z1a
    Why am I suspicious at him providing his own?
    This space for hire.
    • Doodles
    • By Doodles 16th Apr 18, 9:06 PM
    • 260 Posts
    • 309 Thanks
    Doodles
    I think this is now a perfect time to have a deep conversation with your husband, and assess your relationship and what you both want from it.

    No intimacy for 7/8 years is a very long time, and yet you use the word frustrated in quotes, almost as though you are surprised.

    Of course there are times in life such as illness, recovery time from operations or things like that which stops intimacy for a while and that's normal.

    But any couple in love would naturally want to be physical with each other, so what's your reason? Has he tried to discuss with you?
    • Miró
    • By Miró 16th Apr 18, 9:06 PM
    • 5,714 Posts
    • 24,675 Thanks
    Miró
    ...... withholding intimacy, which is actually considered a form of abuse now......
    Originally posted by Gavin83
    Abuse! Good grief...is this actually true???
    Earth cannot be flat...if it was cats would have knocked everything off by now
    • elsien
    • By elsien 16th Apr 18, 9:10 PM
    • 16,912 Posts
    • 42,692 Thanks
    elsien
    Abuse! Good grief...is this actually true???
    Originally posted by Mir!
    Not in and of itself, no.
    When used to control or manipulate, then possibly. Which doesn't appear to be what's happening here, from the limited information given.
    All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.

    Pedant alert - it's could have, not could of.
    • Alikay
    • By Alikay 16th Apr 18, 11:08 PM
    • 4,796 Posts
    • 12,923 Thanks
    Alikay
    How do you feel about it OP? If you and your DH can both accept it, and he's using protection I don't see that anyone else's views are important. Personally, I couldn't accept it - that side of our relationship is not something I'd be happy to delegate. I do think that after 7 or 8 years of abstinence, it'd be difficult to restart the intimacy without it seeming very awkward, though. You've only been married 19 years, so I guess you're both quite young for celibacy - it's very sad if one person still wants a sex life and the other doesn't, and hard to see a workable compromise.
    • Fireflyaway
    • By Fireflyaway 17th Apr 18, 7:05 AM
    • 1,883 Posts
    • 2,074 Thanks
    Fireflyaway
    I suspect this happens more often than we imagine. Sex is important for some people and if it were me, I'd prefer my husband to go to a sex worker than cheat. With a prostitute it's just business. Seems He loves you and its just the sex that he misses. He told you but would have been better if he told you rather than being discovered. I
    I'm shocked that a poster here said a lack of sex is abuse! Nonsense. You are not deliberately withholding to control him. What about the many elderly or disabled people who love their partners but can't have sex?
    I would be concerned about health. Yeah condoms are good but won't stop things like lice, warts, hpv that just need skin to skin contact.
    As the others have said it's what works for you guys that's important.
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