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  • FIRST POST
    • MXW
    • By MXW 14th Apr 18, 9:25 AM
    • 512Posts
    • 229Thanks
    MXW
    Break up and feeling worthless
    • #1
    • 14th Apr 18, 9:25 AM
    Break up and feeling worthless 14th Apr 18 at 9:25 AM
    I've been in a relationship with my ex for over 2 years on and off (we are both middle aged). When I met him he had been single for a long time (as had I), and he was very nervous about dating and all that goes with it, which I found quite endearing.

    We got on really well, despite being very different. He worked away a lot, and his life consisted of work, seeing his kids at the weekend, and his local pub for a few drinks. When he met me, he said I gave him a new lease of life and made him feel like a teenager.

    Things couldn't have been better, then on my birthday, he just upped on left my house with no explanation and went home. I rang him the next day, but couldn't get anything out of him...he went from Caring about me, to not being sure.... amongst a lot of other things. I asked him to make a decision about our relationship, he said he needed time, I said I wasn't going to be messed about, and did he want to end it...he said yes......and then blocked me!

    A few months later he contacted me again, said how much he missed me, he had been a fool, and that he was new to the relationship game and had been scared. We got back together, and again things were great. We booked a holiday (on his suggestion) for the weekend.....then he ended the relationship again, by text saying he wasn't feeling the love he thought he should be feeling.....then blocked me!

    Shortly after that he contacted me again, we got back together, he suggested a weekend away....then he ended the relationship again....and blocked me!

    Again, he contacted me, said he had though about me constantly, couldn't get me off of his mind, so he must have feelings for me. We got back together again, and for the last year have been really happy. He didn't put a foot wrong, and told me I had given him so much confidence and he wasn't that person anymore. He was very loving and caring, I couldn't have asked for me.

    We went away last weekend, had a fabulous time. Came home on the Sunday, he rang me Sunday night, everything was fine. It was my birthday Monday he text me to say he was missing me...then rang later, and I thought he was a bit strange.

    To cut a long story short (there's a lot to it), he's ended the relationship by text again! I rang him, and he switched his phone off. He then text me and ended the relationship, citing the same reasons. I replied....you can imagine what I said... he's now blocked me from his phone and all social media.

    There's no going back for me now, I was a fool to have taken him back before. This may sound stupid, but he's not a bad person.... just can't handle confrontation!

    He has plenty of friends...but his lifestyle now will be going to work, having a few pints with his mates at the local, and that will be it!

    The point of me writing this, is because he's made me feel so worthless. Despite me taking him back... I am a very strong person, but this has knocked my duck off.

    After all this time, how can a mature man not have the guts to tell me to my face that it's over. This has come completely out of the blue. Only at the weekend was he holding my hand over a table at a restaurant telling me how much he thinks about it.

    This is not about him meeting anyone else.... he'll just go back into his normal routine.... ironically he only told me recently that he couldn't imagine me not being in his life.
Page 2
    • MXW
    • By MXW 14th Apr 18, 1:26 PM
    • 512 Posts
    • 229 Thanks
    MXW
    I have been there and got the T-shirt. Mine went on for nearly 4 years.

    I came out of it very broken. And even though its been nearly 2 years and I have a wonderful new partner who is amazing. I still have little to no confidence in myself.

    I can tell you when I meet my current partner. He could not wait to see me again. texted and phoned and made and still does make me feel very special.

    Block his number from your phone and move on. It will not be easy. but make new friends, find new hobbies. This man does not deserve your time or effort. Spend time on yourself. Make yourself happy.

    Its hard when you have feelings for that person. But please break free and start to live again.

    Take care and all the best

    Yours

    Calley x

    ps if you want to chat or need moral support. Please PM me more than happy to chat to you
    Originally posted by calleyw
    Thank you for that.... I might take you up on that chat. X
    • passatrider
    • By passatrider 14th Apr 18, 9:16 PM
    • 794 Posts
    • 745 Thanks
    passatrider
    I have experience of this but from the side of the partner who keeps dumping you. I have an Avoidant Personality Disorder which causes me to push people away like this when people get too close.
    Iíve been on off with a guy for the last three years - we are both male. We get close, lasts for about a month or so but then I push him away. No contact, but not blocking. Things calm down then we start talking again and try to stay friends but it soon drifts into a physical relationship which of course I just canít handle. We break up again.
    Iím not proud of what I do and my friend/partner is very understanding. However, Iíve had to tell him that despite me having on going counselling which has lasted for over two years. I canít offer anything other than friendship now. Heís gutted as am I but itís just not fair on either of us in the long run.
    Unless you can accept this guy for who he is which to be honest is very tough on you. Then my advice would be to go no contact for your own sanity and move on. Heís not going to change Iím afraid.
    • MXW
    • By MXW 14th Apr 18, 9:30 PM
    • 512 Posts
    • 229 Thanks
    MXW
    I have experience of this but from the side of the partner who keeps dumping you. I have an Avoidant Personality Disorder which causes me to push people away like this when people get too close.
    Iíve been on off with a guy for the last three years - we are both male. We get close, lasts for about a month or so but then I push him away. No contact, but not blocking. Things calm down then we start talking again and try to stay friends but it soon drifts into a physical relationship which of course I just canít handle. We break up again.
    Iím not proud of what I do and my friend/partner is very understanding. However, Iíve had to tell him that despite me having on going counselling which has lasted for over two years. I canít offer anything other than friendship now. Heís gutted as am I but itís just not fair on either of us in the long run.
    Unless you can accept this guy for who he is which to be honest is very tough on you. Then my advice would be to go no contact for your own sanity and move on. Heís not going to change Iím afraid.
    Originally posted by passatrider
    Thank you for your post and telling me about yourself. I know for a fact that he will be completely miserable now and ashamed of what he has done.....but unfortunately this doesn't stop him from doing in

    A year is the longest we have gone without this happening, and I really thought we had turned a corner, but I think us going away together triggered it. The times this has happened before I'd either when we had booked a weekend away, or were planning a weekend away.
    • calleyw
    • By calleyw 15th Apr 18, 12:25 AM
    • 8,929 Posts
    • 16,294 Thanks
    calleyw
    Thank you for that.... I might take you up on that chat. X
    Originally posted by MXW
    Thats cool. As I said any time.

    As passatrider has said you have two choice you can accept it or not. If you are not happy to then don't.

    Its not fair on you. Its obvious you want a proper full blown relationship. He can't give you that and may never be able to.

    Its going to hurt like hell because of all the what if's. It made me very unwell mentally. And as I said nearly 2 years on I am still dealing with the fall out.

    So accept that its never going to be what you consider a normal healthy relationship. Or find someone who can give you what you want.

    Good luck what ever you choose.

    Yours

    Calley x
    Hope for everything and expect nothing!!!

    Good enough is almost always good enough -Prof Barry Schwartz

    If it scares you, it might be a good thing to try -Seth Godin
    • chiefnoodle
    • By chiefnoodle 15th Apr 18, 12:31 AM
    • 110 Posts
    • 29 Thanks
    chiefnoodle
    Given how you describe it I would

    a) feel sympathy towards this fellow rather than worthlessness about yourself

    b) either start a new relationship with someone else when you're ready, or if he contacts you again and you aren't too fed up by now, only agree to start again if you go to a psychologist who has knowledge of attachment issues (google it) because thats what it sounds like to my untrained ear

    Good luck!
    I haven't made a signature as I don't possess a sense of humour.
    • FBaby
    • By FBaby 15th Apr 18, 6:40 AM
    • 17,052 Posts
    • 41,988 Thanks
    FBaby
    I'm so sorry you've been so badly let down once again. Don't feel worthless, it takes an amazingly strong person to have the courage to fight for someone who has shown to be so unreliable.

    My feeling is that this man has been battling as to whether he loves you or not from the beginning. Part of him did love you but probably thought there was something missing. He went from telling himself that he had to give it a chance, that what was missing would either come or it wouldn't matter to him any longer, until something triggers his anxieties that he can't commit to you with whatever it is that he thought was missing and the belief that it will always be an issue between you.

    He is probably is a good man, but is also very indecisive and for you, this is what is missing from him to make him your perfect partner. It is very frustrating that it might be the only thing that is an issue, but it is a very big one when you consider the impact it has had on your relationship and you.

    You both gave it a go and it didn't work. It's heartbreaking, but at least you know you gave it 100% and if that was still not enough, it really wasn't meant to be.
    • hollydays
    • By hollydays 15th Apr 18, 11:21 AM
    • 16,580 Posts
    • 12,714 Thanks
    hollydays
    I know in your other posts you say he has been married with two children, but I do wonder if he has intimacy problems.
    • DUTR
    • By DUTR 15th Apr 18, 11:31 AM
    • 11,506 Posts
    • 6,563 Thanks
    DUTR
    I know in your other posts you say he has been married with two children, but I do wonder if he has intimacy problems.
    Originally posted by hollydays
    Perhaps he doesn't want all the 'managed' part of a relationship , not like they are all like that.
    OP says they have weekends away and stuff, so maybe just wants the benefits (not physical) side of a relationship.
    • dancing_star
    • By dancing_star 15th Apr 18, 11:37 AM
    • 201 Posts
    • 367 Thanks
    dancing_star
    Intimacy issues, narcissistic personality, attachment problems, yadda yadda.

    He just sounds like a prat.

    Not all prattish behaviour has to be excused away by some syndrome.

    You're well rid imo. Who can be bothered putting up with crap like that just for the sake of being able to say you are in a relationship?
    • MXW
    • By MXW 15th Apr 18, 11:47 AM
    • 512 Posts
    • 229 Thanks
    MXW
    Intimacy issues, narcissistic personality, attachment problems, yadda yadda.

    He just sounds like a prat.

    Not all prattish behaviour has to be excused away by some syndrome.

    You're well rid imo. Who can be bothered putting up with crap like that just for the sake of being able to say you are in a relationship?
    Originally posted by dancing_star
    I think that's a very simplistic view... although I agree he is a prat.

    I was in a relationship with him because I cared a great deal about him. I was happily single prior to him.... I certainly don't need the relationship tag.
    • PeacefulWaters
    • By PeacefulWaters 15th Apr 18, 12:19 PM
    • 8,318 Posts
    • 10,672 Thanks
    PeacefulWaters
    I think that's a very simplistic view... although I agree he is a prat.

    I was in a relationship with him because I cared a great deal about him. I was happily single prior to him.... I certainly don't need the relationship tag.
    Originally posted by MXW
    Make it complex if you like.

    It took me 20 years to get to the point of simplifying life and leaving.

    Happiness followed.
    • MXW
    • By MXW 15th Apr 18, 12:23 PM
    • 512 Posts
    • 229 Thanks
    MXW
    Make it complex if you like.

    It took me 20 years to get to the point of simplifying life and leaving.

    Happiness followed.
    Originally posted by PeacefulWaters
    I will most definitely not be going back to it, I told him that if it happened again that would be the end of us.

    I've lost all respect for him now, not so much him ending the relationship, but how he did it. He had a total lack of respect for me and how I would feel.
    • DUTR
    • By DUTR 15th Apr 18, 1:07 PM
    • 11,506 Posts
    • 6,563 Thanks
    DUTR
    I will most definitely not be going back to it, I told him that if it happened again that would be the end of us.

    I've lost all respect for him now, not so much him ending the relationship, but how he did it. He had a total lack of respect for me and how I would feel.
    Originally posted by MXW
    To be fair OP, my 2nd but one LTR GF was as you describe your ex.
    Give it time to reflect on the reality of the relationship and you may find peace.
    • Sncjw
    • By Sncjw 15th Apr 18, 1:30 PM
    • 1,969 Posts
    • 1,155 Thanks
    Sncjw
    If he try!!!8217;s to get back with you again say no. Say you have had enough. Forget about him you have spent energy on him to build a relationship but looks like hasn!!!8217;t.

    If he wants to go back to having pints in the pub so be it that!!!8217;s his choice. You don!!!8217;t have to worry about him you had enough.
    • MXW
    • By MXW 15th Apr 18, 1:55 PM
    • 512 Posts
    • 229 Thanks
    MXW
    If he try!!!8217;s to get back with you again say no. Say you have had enough. Forget about him you have spent energy on him to build a relationship but looks like hasn!!!8217;t.

    If he wants to go back to having pints in the pub so be it that!!!8217;s his choice. You don!!!8217;t have to worry about him you had enough.
    Originally posted by Sncjw
    That's more or less what I put in my message to him (amongst other things)....and probably why he blocked me.

    The truth hurts...and it's the first time I've actually said it to him in all it's glory...instead of making excuses for him and trying to understand why he does it.

    I promise you.... there is no going back!
    • dancing_star
    • By dancing_star 15th Apr 18, 2:04 PM
    • 201 Posts
    • 367 Thanks
    dancing_star
    I was happily single prior to him.... I certainly don't need the relationship tag.
    Originally posted by MXW
    Good, you'll be fine then.

    I wouldn't waste another second of the rest of my life worrying about that prat and analysing what is going on with him. In the end, who cares? Chalk it up to experience, refuse to fall for it again. Look onwards and upwards and the worthless feelings won't last long.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 15th Apr 18, 2:09 PM
    • 21,190 Posts
    • 57,192 Thanks
    Pollycat
    If he try!!!8217;s to get back with you again say no. Say you have had enough.
    Forget about him you have spent energy on him to build a relationship but looks like hasn!!!8217;t.

    If he wants to go back to having pints in the pub so be it that!!!8217;s his choice. You don!!!8217;t have to worry about him you had enough.
    Originally posted by Sncjw
    If he tries to get back in touch with you, say nothing at all. Do nothing at all.
    He doesn't deserve your time.
    He doesn't deserve a reason.
    He doesn't deserve you.
    • FBaby
    • By FBaby 15th Apr 18, 3:11 PM
    • 17,052 Posts
    • 41,988 Thanks
    FBaby
    In a way, it's easier now to move on when you definitely know that you've done everything to make it work, and indeed, you've reached the point where the respect has gone. No matter how much the heart aches and you miss him, the mind is clear that he wasn't right for you.
    • Pdbaggett
    • By Pdbaggett 15th Apr 18, 6:59 PM
    • 109 Posts
    • 82 Thanks
    Pdbaggett
    He sounds like a nob.

    Block him on everything and leave it at that.

    Sometimes people spent to long looking for answers as to people's behaviours when the only question that needs answering is "is he/she good for me", he's not so leave it at that.
    • Claddagh_Noir
    • By Claddagh_Noir 15th Apr 18, 8:53 PM
    • 24 Posts
    • 35 Thanks
    Claddagh_Noir
    You are well rid of him, he sounds passive aggressive and immature. If anyone did that with me, I would play them at their own game and either block their number so if they try to call me, it would go to voicemail or have a dead tone or change the number altoghether.

    Maybe he is a creature of comfort, has intimacy issues and not used to being in a relationship. Move on, leave him to keep playing silly b*****s*
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