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    • last mile
    • By last mile 10th Apr 18, 3:44 PM
    • 23Posts
    • 41Thanks
    last mile
    Am I over reacting?
    • #1
    • 10th Apr 18, 3:44 PM
    Am I over reacting? 10th Apr 18 at 3:44 PM
    Hi All,

    Iím back again and I suppose Iím just looking to be heard.
    Iíve been lurking while I tried to work through the issues we had.
    I donít think it has worked as I still feeling like I never know whats coming next.

    But the issue that has driven me back today is a long standing issue.
    I have a hen do to attend this weekend, it will be very small and more civilised.
    Weíre going cupcake decorating then dinner and drinks then home.

    Now my husband attended the stag last week, normally I would have expected him to try and wiggle out of it but I suppose he wanted to go so it was never mentioned in negativity.
    I dropped him at the station mid-afternoon and truth be told given his previous actions expected him home by 8:30-9.
    He didnít get home until 11:45 and we pretty cheery in fact.

    Since then he keeps going on about where ill be and what ill be doing and how he wants me home early like 8.
    Along with his mentioning that in fact he doesnít think I should go at all.
    It annoys me that he can go off and do as he pleases but I am dictated to about my actions etc.

    Just wanted to vent but I am seriously feeling that if he ruins this day out, the first I have had in forever, Iíll have to say something.
Page 3
    • last mile
    • By last mile 17th Apr 18, 11:41 AM
    • 23 Posts
    • 41 Thanks
    last mile
    Hi All, So the day went "well".
    I planned my morning so that i had as little time as possible to discuss the whole thing.
    instead of having him drop me at the station i made arrangements to be picked up by another attendee, this meant that there wasn't any of the normal issues about me leaving as i got dressed and "had to run".
    I got a few messages throughout the day but these were in fact fine as he was doing DIY in the house and wanted my opinion of drilling major holes etc.
    His only ask was that i text him when I got to the first location and when i was heading home.
    I did this as a norm because its an every day occurrence to let him know i have arrived safely at my destination.

    Over all the day and night were good, I had a good time and had little disturbance from him.
    This was after I had made it clear that i was going and i was going to have a good time on Friday night.
    • last mile
    • By last mile 17th Apr 18, 11:57 AM
    • 23 Posts
    • 41 Thanks
    last mile
    Please may I ask what would happen if you went out, ignored his calls, had a great time and rolled in at the time he did?

    Your posts are quite concerning, I want to tell you to run a mile because your other half sounds far too controlling. Someone else mentioned it but I would be very wary of someone using their insecurities as a way of controlling you.
    Originally posted by sassyblue
    @sassyblue if i didnt tell him a "reasonable" time that i would be home by and then stick to it with a small margin i.e. say 9pm and home before 10 max then id start getting constant text and phone calls.
    if i ignore them he'll start threatening to come get me and then if i continue to "push" it he'd move the threatening to harm himself before he has gone as far as minor self harm to prove it.
    Last edited by last mile; 17-04-2018 at 11:57 AM. Reason: adding name
    • last mile
    • By last mile 17th Apr 18, 12:06 PM
    • 23 Posts
    • 41 Thanks
    last mile
    there are so many things i want to reply to but the multi quote isnt working. so ill just try here

    It did Mummy2cheekymonkeys. it was a great day!
    @Sncjw i can pop to the shops but if i dont tell him before hand he starts questioning me about where I've been etc. claims to have not been told if i have had to stop somewhere, like going to my dress fitting for my bridesmaid dress.
    @unholyangel thats so nice of you to stop back either way.

    i have been thinking about ending it but i think as ppl have pointed out i am no longer sure this is what its normally meant to be like.
    its something that's been on my mind for a while. i have met (just in general) some men and couples where i dont see this type of action and it has made me question if i am happy to continue down this road. some days i am just waiting for a sign but i am not sure they exist.
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 17th Apr 18, 12:08 PM
    • 29,236 Posts
    • 74,693 Thanks
    Mojisola
    if i ignore them he'll start threatening to come get me and then if i continue to "push" it he'd move the threatening to harm himself before he has gone as far as minor self harm to prove it.
    Originally posted by last mile
    And you're happy to live with someone who behaves like this?
    • last mile
    • By last mile 17th Apr 18, 12:20 PM
    • 23 Posts
    • 41 Thanks
    last mile
    And you're happy to live with someone who behaves like this?
    Originally posted by Mojisola
    Not overly but then i dont want to be the person responsible for driving him to do something extreme.
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 17th Apr 18, 12:27 PM
    • 29,236 Posts
    • 74,693 Thanks
    Mojisola
    Not overly but then i dont want to be the person responsible for driving him to do something extreme.
    Originally posted by last mile
    And, with that thinking, he has you trapped.

    If he does something extreme, it's because he has chosen to do so - no-one else will be responsible.
    • hazyjo
    • By hazyjo 17th Apr 18, 12:46 PM
    • 10,504 Posts
    • 13,668 Thanks
    hazyjo
    Not overly but then i dont want to be the person responsible for driving him to do something extreme.
    Originally posted by last mile
    And, with that thinking, he has you trapped.

    If he does something extreme, it's because he has chosen to do so - no-one else will be responsible.
    Originally posted by Mojisola
    Exactly. YOU'RE not responsible for his actions - he is. He needs psychiatric help.


    My friend split with her BF and he ended up taking an overdose not long after. I don't know if he threatened it beforehand. Would she have stayed if he did threaten it? NO. Did she get back with him after he did it? NO. Was she upset? Yes, of course.


    It is NOT your responsibility. He is trying to control you (and succeeding). What advise would you give a friend whose husband or partner was threatening to kill himself if she left him? Would you seriously be telling her to stay as it would be her fault if she left?!
    2018 wins: Single Malt Whisky; theatre tickets; festival tickets; year of gin(!); shoes
    • DigForVictory
    • By DigForVictory 17th Apr 18, 1:07 PM
    • 7,689 Posts
    • 22,189 Thanks
    DigForVictory
    The hen do went well. For a change, he behaved like a civilized human being.

    +1 to the suggestion of a mobile-free holiday for a mere 72 hours.

    He's already started on the "if you don't do as I want I'll..." - midear, this is not normal. Not healthy. Not a good place to be before a marriage.
    If you need a sign to say STOP, please take this thread as a very strong suggestion.

    I could almost wish he had been a nit on the night, so your hens got a peek at what he's putting you through & you could have had several opinions face to face and in person. To say nothing of their support if you were to decide that actually, given his health, you think it should be postponed. Indefinitely.

    He may have been a honey once (some time ago, at a guess), but his true colours are shining through & you can do so much better than latrine brown.

    All the very best.
    • Savvy_Sue
    • By Savvy_Sue 17th Apr 18, 1:36 PM
    • 38,480 Posts
    • 35,149 Thanks
    Savvy_Sue
    Sadly I have a feeling the OP is already married, he ruined HER hen night, and this was someone else's she was going to.

    Another vote for YOU'RE not responsible, he is.
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    • Mummy2cheekymonkeys
    • By Mummy2cheekymonkeys 17th Apr 18, 1:39 PM
    • 30 Posts
    • 89 Thanks
    Mummy2cheekymonkeys
    I suppose the main question you need to ask yourself is- do you love him enough to stay and this be your life forever. It doesn't sound like he is going to change his ways so either you put up with it for the rest of your life or you have to leave.
    Do you see yourself wanting children in the future?
    Would you want to start a family with him? I would imagine he would be even worse with children in the mix.
    I don't know you personally but from what you have told us so far I can honestly say I was worried about you and when you took so long to get back with how it went I was pretty concerned. Have you spoken to close family and friends about the situation?
    • last mile
    • By last mile 17th Apr 18, 2:10 PM
    • 23 Posts
    • 41 Thanks
    last mile
    Sadly I have a feeling the OP is already married, he ruined HER hen night, and this was someone else's she was going to.

    Another vote for YOU'RE not responsible, he is.
    Originally posted by Savvy_Sue
    your right i married him a little over 1.5 yrs ago after what was a good spell of a couple of months running upto the hen and wedding.
    I actually stood on the night before thinking about not going through with it but i'd spent so much on it i didnt want to lose it all.

    i question my commitment to this long term often, people know how he is but i have spent so long making excuses they no longer mention it.

    i wanted kids from a young age but no i will not bring them into this situation. so they are off the cards for now. though if one more person asks when we're planning them ill pop them one.

    i suppose its all down to me and when i feel i have had enough. sometimes it goes well for a while and you forget the bad bits only to realize its only going well because your no longer living life.
    • Mummy2cheekymonkeys
    • By Mummy2cheekymonkeys 17th Apr 18, 2:31 PM
    • 30 Posts
    • 89 Thanks
    Mummy2cheekymonkeys
    That is so sad to hear. My partner and I struggled for years to get pregnant. I knew there would be problems due to years of health problems on my part. I'm 30. I think a lot of people take there fertility for granted and assume that when the time comes that they decide they want children it will just happen for them but they would rather enjoy their holidays and free time for now lol. It's even sadder that you would actually like to have children but know it is not right at the moment with you partner. I would hate for you to look back in say 10 years and find that you have missed your opportunity because of his actions.
    • hazyjo
    • By hazyjo 17th Apr 18, 3:43 PM
    • 10,504 Posts
    • 13,668 Thanks
    hazyjo
    If he threatens to kill himself, tell someone he knows and get them to go round there. One bloke said it to me once many moons ago - I rang his sister and told her. They are usually SO embarrassed and humiliated when someone else finds out as it's purely being used as control and they bloody well know it.
    2018 wins: Single Malt Whisky; theatre tickets; festival tickets; year of gin(!); shoes
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 17th Apr 18, 4:09 PM
    • 29,236 Posts
    • 74,693 Thanks
    Mojisola
    i suppose its all down to me and when i feel i have had enough.

    sometimes it goes well for a while and you forget the bad bits only to realize its only going well because your no longer living life.
    Originally posted by last mile
    Classic controlling behaviour - if he senses he's pushed you too far and you're considering leaving, he'll either threaten to hurt himself or back off and be nice for a while - whichever he thinks will keep you under his control.
    • Oakdene
    • By Oakdene 19th Apr 18, 8:34 AM
    • 1,926 Posts
    • 7,079 Thanks
    Oakdene
    If he threatens to kill himself, tell someone he knows and get them to go round there. One bloke said it to me once many moons ago - I rang his sister and told her. They are usually SO embarrassed and humiliated when someone else finds out as it's purely being used as control and they bloody well know it.
    Originally posted by hazyjo
    Agree with this... my ex -who I referenced earlier in this thread threatened to kill herself if I broke up with her, I ended the relationship & she called me & said she was going somewhere where no one would find her & she hopes I will feel happy when I hear the news in the morning that she isn't here anymore.

    I called her mum & told her, safe to say she got the help she needed.
    Hiraeth
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