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  • FIRST POST
    • last mile
    • By last mile 10th Apr 18, 3:44 PM
    • 58Posts
    • 228Thanks
    last mile
    Am I over reacting?
    • #1
    • 10th Apr 18, 3:44 PM
    Am I over reacting? 10th Apr 18 at 3:44 PM
    Hi All,

    Iím back again and I suppose Iím just looking to be heard.
    Iíve been lurking while I tried to work through the issues we had.
    I donít think it has worked as I still feeling like I never know whats coming next.

    But the issue that has driven me back today is a long standing issue.
    I have a hen do to attend this weekend, it will be very small and more civilised.
    Weíre going cupcake decorating then dinner and drinks then home.

    Now my husband attended the stag last week, normally I would have expected him to try and wiggle out of it but I suppose he wanted to go so it was never mentioned in negativity.
    I dropped him at the station mid-afternoon and truth be told given his previous actions expected him home by 8:30-9.
    He didnít get home until 11:45 and we pretty cheery in fact.

    Since then he keeps going on about where ill be and what ill be doing and how he wants me home early like 8.
    Along with his mentioning that in fact he doesnít think I should go at all.
    It annoys me that he can go off and do as he pleases but I am dictated to about my actions etc.

    Just wanted to vent but I am seriously feeling that if he ruins this day out, the first I have had in forever, Iíll have to say something.
Page 2
    • Zeni
    • By Zeni 10th Apr 18, 11:26 PM
    • 408 Posts
    • 808 Thanks
    Zeni
    Last mile, I had a read of your old posts over a year ago that seem to be about the same thing and it seems not a lot has changed This is a lot to live with all the time and must put you under a lot of stress.

    I think you need to separate out things that are explained away by his condition and things that are just wrong. The emotional manipulation and control is not ok. He is clearly showing that while he can do things, you are not allowed to and what he 'wants' in regards to you coming home at a certain time. Has he actually asked you if its something you want to go to? His anxiety and depression are his to deal with. I get it my own husband has depression and there are times when you go a bit more out of the way to help them out but at the end of the day you are still a person to and need timeout!

    Another part of it is that they need to learn how to deal with these situations if they are causing anxiety because you aren't going to sit at home with him 24/7 so if he never goes through these he will never get better either. In fact, every time he successfully makes you stay at home I'd imagine while its nice for that time because he's not angry/upset at you in the long run it will just get worse as you staying home is a reward almost and makes him feel better. A bit like phobias, psychologists say that when we avoid phobias we actually make them worse because we reward ourselves for avoiding that thing and then the phobias grows even more.
    Last edited by Zeni; 10-04-2018 at 11:29 PM.
    Swagbuckling since Aug 2016 - Earnings so far.. £55.
    • last mile
    • By last mile 11th Apr 18, 10:00 AM
    • 58 Posts
    • 228 Thanks
    last mile
    My partner literally sounds like your parnters twin. In heated arguments when he's angry he will say "I'm not well and you don't care. Why won't you help me?" .. well frankly cos I'm not a psychiatric nurse and have no idea how to help. He becomes that frustrated with himself he could literally have the argument without me being there - nothing I say is taken on board so talking about it isn't an option, as like you said it escalates.

    But as I have said you are not a psychiatric nurse nor are you his emotional punch bag. Yes relationships arnt perfect and have to be worked at from both sides but it can't be all you tip toeing around him for an easier life. (Again I wish I could take my own advice)

    Personally I'm at the point where I won't mention plans until as close as possible (Like the day before) as I can't deal with the problem it causes from the time I tell him to the time I'm due to go.
    I would probably tell him I'll be home when it's over, that'll prob be about 9 or 10 and after a couple of wines let him know it'll be a little later (I too get the constant texts and phonecalls when I'm out). This will probably cause a problem but you going in the first place is also a problem and maybe this will make him realise that you are actually a person, with your own life and own mind that can make your own big girl decisions, Like what time to go home, without his input.

    I really really do resonate with how you feel.
    Originally posted by Newtothis92
    Newtothis92 this is where I'm at and it feels good to know others are experiencing the same.
    unfortunately i could avoid it as it is a family event and so discussed often.

    i am standing my ground on this one but if he ruins it like he ruined my own hen night i think i might need to make some decisions on how we go forward.

    Nope no kids involved here just 2 cats and a dog but they've already chosen their favorites.
    this is just natural animal behavior mixed with who has to deal with their messes lol.
    • davidwood681
    • By davidwood681 11th Apr 18, 10:31 AM
    • 478 Posts
    • 1,445 Thanks
    davidwood681
    You are going out with a weak and insecure ''man''

    The problem isn't you, it's him. He fears that you'll find someone better whilst you're out and he can't handle it.

    A confident man would tell you to have a good time safe in the knowledge that you won't be on the look out for anyone better because, in his eyes, there's no one better.

    Go out, have fun and if he starts to trying to control you find someone better.
    • Out, Vile Jelly
    • By Out, Vile Jelly 11th Apr 18, 10:37 AM
    • 4,071 Posts
    • 13,847 Thanks
    Out, Vile Jelly
    Do you enjoy his company enough to make up for this tedious trait? Only you can answer that.

    I personally do not have the patience or energy for this type of behaviour. The time for arguing about what time you get home is when you're a teenager. It's boring when grown adults make a thing out of it.
    They are an EYESORES!!!!
    • skint_chick
    • By skint_chick 11th Apr 18, 1:17 PM
    • 714 Posts
    • 5,315 Thanks
    skint_chick
    I definitely think you need to explain to him that he knows where you are/who you are with and it's a hen night so you probably won't be home until 1am. He shouldn't wait up or call/text you because you are a responsible adult and will get home safe when you're ready. Just because he is anxious/depressed is not a reason to pander to his every request. You love him and care about his feelings so don't want to promise a time to be home because you are an adult and that's not what adults do.

    If there is no trust from him that you won't run off with some random stranger then your relationship is over. You should be able to come home whatever time you want. Promising to be home at 9/10/whenever isn't a realistic way forward with a relationship. He should trust you that you're responsible enough to get home safely when YOU are finished with your night.

    My husband never bothers me on a night out, he will gladly come and get me if I call for a lift and he's not busy. Otherwise he is just happy to play his xbox/watch tv and go to bed when he's ready. I'm the same when he goes out - I'll go and collect him and assorted mates if they need a lift - but I wouldn't think to text him. He knows I'll go to bed and he wouldn't call after midnight unless I'd said it was OK in advance!

    There's nothing worse than when you're out with friends, your partner knows where you are and who you're with, but still feels the need to text or call about something unimportant. Fair enough if the house had burned down/been burgled or someone taken to hospital, but just to let you know what they're having for dinner or they're bored, no thanks! I know when hubby's out I'm too busy getting on with my own to do list/tv shows/girly pamper night to be texting him.

    His anxiety and depression need to be dealt with and a part of that is finding his independence and activities to do while alone instead of sitting about worrying what you're doing - when it's just decorating cupcakes and a few drinks.
    "I cannot make my days longer so I strive to make them better." Paul Theroux
    • Savvy_Sue
    • By Savvy_Sue 11th Apr 18, 8:14 PM
    • 38,897 Posts
    • 35,734 Thanks
    Savvy_Sue
    Is he actually getting any help with his depression and anxiety, or does he make excuses for that too? The medication didn't work (no, it doesn't immediately it needs time to take effect); the waiting list for counselling is too long (maybe, but is he still on it?) or he didn't like the counsellor or ... it's easier to just hold you responsible for making him feel better? Which you can't.

    I think I'm with Jelly. Is it worth it?
    Still knitting!
    Completed: 1 adult cardigan, 3 baby jumpers, 3 shawls, 1 sweat band, 3 pairs baby bootees,
    1 Wise Man Knitivity figure + 1 sheep, 2 pairs socks, 2 hats 2 balaclavas for seamen, 1 balaclava for myself ...
    Current projects: Poppies, mohair cardigan pattern arrived and going strong!
    • barbiedoll
    • By barbiedoll 11th Apr 18, 10:26 PM
    • 4,900 Posts
    • 13,453 Thanks
    barbiedoll
    Do you enjoy his company enough to make up for this tedious trait? Only you can answer that.

    I personally do not have the patience or energy for this type of behaviour. The time for arguing about what time you get home is when you're a teenager. It's boring when grown adults make a thing out of it.
    Originally posted by Out, Vile Jelly
    It is boring, and when youíre living with this, itís also demeaning, extremely stressful, and very, very tiresome. Having to constantly justify yourself, and your actions (tea, cake and a few drinks.....really?) and, in my case, defending my friends, my family (ďWhy do you have to see your mum every week?Ē) and even my job (because wearing a skirt to work is ďflashing my legsĒ to all and sundry)

    Itís also very easy to lose the energy to fight against it. Until one day, you take a look at yourself and wonder where your life has gone. Too many nights stuck at home, missing out on the fun. Too many concessions because itís too much effort to argue.

    Living with someone who has an ongoing illness, or disability, does mean sacrifices. But that cuts both ways. If anything, he should encourage you to go and enjoy yourself once in a while. After all, me managed to get out for a stag do, why is he making it so difficult for you?
    "I may be many things but not being indiscreet isn't one of them"
    • Jojo the Tightfisted
    • By Jojo the Tightfisted 12th Apr 18, 1:54 AM
    • 24,679 Posts
    • 98,557 Thanks
    Jojo the Tightfisted
    Ignore him.

    Ignore any 'migraines', any 'suggestions for a lovely night in', the inevitable escalation to 'you're going out to pick up men' and any threats of 'there's no point to anything anymore, you don't love me' and go out.

    Keep your phone switched off. If it's on, there will be constant messages - and just as likely one 'just saying Goodbye' to make you go rushing back for fear of what you will find.

    If he's particularly manipulative, you could get back to find empty blister packs of painkillers on the side. He won't have taken them, it's just to frighten you. The solution to that one is, just in case he's actually taken some, to call the ambulance and tell them he says he's taken x then he either admits that he hasn't when they get there - or they cart him off to hospital where he cannot lie about it anymore and gets booted back out into the night with no bus fare. Either way, don't go with him.


    Been there, done that. If you don't show complete disinterest, it just continues forever until you're getting grief for washing your hair or brushing your teeth and if you go and do the shopping, you're accused of going to Tesco's to pick up strange men for a quickie round the back of the Baked Goods section. And if you then switch to internet shopping, you'll then be accused of having online affairs/neglecting him by looking at a computer screen instead of him.

    Somebody like that will not be happy until you're locked in the house with the curtains drawn - and even then, the prospect of repair men, the postman, the bloke across the road or randoms knocking at the door will be a source of accusations from him.


    Look on it another way - he's going to moan and whine whatever you do - so you might as well get a night out away from it for a change. Who knows, you might actually enjoy yourself without him?
    I could dream to wide extremes, I could do or die: I could yawn and be withdrawn and watch the world go by.

    Yup you are officially Rock n Roll
    Originally posted by colinw
    • Savvy_Sue
    • By Savvy_Sue 12th Apr 18, 2:03 AM
    • 38,897 Posts
    • 35,734 Thanks
    Savvy_Sue
    OP, there was an absolutely fascinating programme on Radio 4 tonight: The Digital Human: Shame. Not all of it will be relevant to you but as I was listening I was thinking of you!
    Still knitting!
    Completed: 1 adult cardigan, 3 baby jumpers, 3 shawls, 1 sweat band, 3 pairs baby bootees,
    1 Wise Man Knitivity figure + 1 sheep, 2 pairs socks, 2 hats 2 balaclavas for seamen, 1 balaclava for myself ...
    Current projects: Poppies, mohair cardigan pattern arrived and going strong!
    • last mile
    • By last mile 12th Apr 18, 4:20 PM
    • 58 Posts
    • 228 Thanks
    last mile
    Our time spent together mainly consists of eating while watching a movie or him playing a game while i either watch Tv on my tablet or read a book. So i suppose the answer is not exciting enough.
    I am definitely running out of patience with it all.
    Good grief Barbiedoll its like we live the same life.
    Savvy_sue, he is on medication but tends to not take them over the weekends saying hes forgot because hes out of routine. and he hasn't even registered for counciling for himself because hes "not ready for that". I'm going to give that radio 4 programme a listen thanks you ]

    Jojo the Tightfisted - oh good the migraines and sore heads are a daily occurrence. he claims its coz his office is hot and hes not drinking enough but it stops him doing almost anything round the house.
    • Oakdene
    • By Oakdene 12th Apr 18, 4:35 PM
    • 2,444 Posts
    • 8,825 Thanks
    Oakdene
    Our time spent together mainly consists of eating while watching a movie or him playing a game while i either watch Tv on my tablet or read a book. So i suppose the answer is not exciting enough.
    I am definitely running out of patience with it all.
    Good grief Barbiedoll its like we live the same life.
    Savvy_sue, he is on medication but tends to not take them over the weekends saying hes forgot because hes out of routine. and he hasn't even registered for counciling for himself because hes "not ready for that". I'm going to give that radio 4 programme a listen thanks you ]

    Jojo the Tightfisted - oh good the migraines and sore heads are a daily occurrence. he claims its coz his office is hot and hes not drinking enough but it stops him doing almost anything round the house.
    Originally posted by last mile
    FWIW My ex partner loved going out with the girls & getting into very dunken states & all I asked her to do was let me know she was home safe, of if she was staying at mine, I would try to wait up for her. When it was my turn to go out with friends, or a stag she would be texting, calling every hour & if I didn't answer she would say she couldn't cope anymore & didn't want to be here. For example if I was stood next to a woman in a group photo & that went on social media, I would get a call asking who she is & how long I have been sleeping with her for....

    At the time, I couldn't see what she was doing but she made me feel guilty for having a good time with my friends. It took me too long to work it out & it was only when a friend of mine made me see it a little clearer.

    I guess you have to ask if, his feelings & pressuring aside, you are really happy with the way things are.
    Dwy galon, un dyhead,
    Dwy dafod ond un iaith,
    Dwy raff yn cydioín ddolen,
    Dau enaid ond un taith.


    • sassyblue
    • By sassyblue 12th Apr 18, 8:43 PM
    • 3,206 Posts
    • 8,121 Thanks
    sassyblue
    Please may I ask what would happen if you went out, ignored his calls, had a great time and rolled in at the time he did?

    Your posts are quite concerning, I want to tell you to run a mile because your other half sounds far too controlling. Someone else mentioned it but I would be very wary of someone using their insecurities as a way of controlling you.
    Always overpaying on mortgage.

    Happy moneysaving all.


    • barbiedoll
    • By barbiedoll 12th Apr 18, 9:02 PM
    • 4,900 Posts
    • 13,453 Thanks
    barbiedoll
    Our time spent together mainly consists of eating while watching a movie or him playing a game while i either watch Tv on my tablet or read a book. So i suppose the answer is not exciting enough.
    I am definitely running out of patience with it all.
    Good grief Barbiedoll its like we live the same life.
    Savvy_sue, he is on medication but tends to not take them over the weekends saying hes forgot because hes out of routine. and he hasn't even registered for counciling for himself because hes "not ready for that". I'm going to give that radio 4 programme a listen thanks you ]

    Jojo the Tightfisted - oh good the migraines and sore heads are a daily occurrence. he claims its coz his office is hot and hes not drinking enough but it stops him doing almost anything round the house.
    Originally posted by last mile
    Oh goodness....thatís not my life now! Iíve been married to a perfectly normal, reasonable and rational man for almost 20 years. A man who made me see that there is nothing wrong with seeing my friends, staying out late and spending time with other people if I wish.

    I hardly ever think about life with my ex. And then I read a thread like this and I get reminded of that sinking feeling, that dread of the days and weeks that lie ahead (imagine not looking forward to the weekend?) and the fear of realising that it might not ever get better than this.

    Luckily for me.....it did.
    "I may be many things but not being indiscreet isn't one of them"
    • LeesArt
    • By LeesArt 13th Apr 18, 8:36 PM
    • 35 Posts
    • 42 Thanks
    LeesArt
    Abandon Ship
    Hi All,

    I!!!8217;m back again and I suppose I!!!8217;m just looking to be heard.
    I!!!8217;ve been lurking while I tried to work through the issues we had.
    I don!!!8217;t think it has worked as I still feeling like I never know whats coming next.

    But the issue that has driven me back today is a long standing issue.
    I have a hen do to attend this weekend, it will be very small and more civilised.
    We!!!8217;re going cupcake decorating then dinner and drinks then home.

    Now my husband attended the stag last week, normally I would have expected him to try and wiggle out of it but I suppose he wanted to go so it was never mentioned in negativity.
    I dropped him at the station mid-afternoon and truth be told given his previous actions expected him home by 8:30-9.
    He didn!!!8217;t get home until 11:45 and we pretty cheery in fact.

    Since then he keeps going on about where ill be and what ill be doing and how he wants me home early like 8.
    Along with his mentioning that in fact he doesn!!!8217;t think I should go at all.
    It annoys me that he can go off and do as he pleases but I am dictated to about my actions etc.

    Just wanted to vent but I am seriously feeling that if he ruins this day out, the first I have had in forever, I!!!8217;ll have to say something.
    Originally posted by last mile
    Sorry I thought the hen and stag meant you were about to get married to this person?

    Call me romantic but I think marriage comes with some basics, little things like loving the person, like having mutual trust and repect.

    Based on what you have said I do not think you should be with this person .

    Get out while you can, out there somewhere is someone who will cherish you, who will love you, unconditionally. They will not be so insecure that you have to consider them before you agree a night out with your friends.

    If they are like this now it will only get worse and they will feel that they own you completely.

    Wise up, end it NOW! BEFORE kids are involved.
    Last edited by LeesArt; 13-04-2018 at 8:46 PM.
    • enthusiasticsaver
    • By enthusiasticsaver 13th Apr 18, 9:33 PM
    • 6,883 Posts
    • 14,829 Thanks
    enthusiasticsaver
    He sounds insecure and controlling.

    There is only one way to deal with this yourself and that is to set boundaries and don't allow yourself to be manipulated.

    Don't ask him, tell him you are going on your friends hen do.
    You don't know when you will be home so don't wait up.
    You will keep your phone on for energencies but if he abuses this by constantly texting and calling you will turn the phone off.

    If he makes a fuss on the day ignore it. He is a grown man and can look after himself if he has a headache or cold or whatever.

    You need to take control of your own actions and he has to overcome his insecurities.
    Debt free and mortgage free and early retiree. Living the dream

    I'm a Board Guide on the Debt-Free Wannabe, Mortgages and Endowments, Banking and Budgeting boards. I volunteer to help get your forum questions answered and keep the forum running smoothly. Any views are mine and not the official line of moneysavingexpert.com. Pease remember, board guides don't read every post. If you spot an illegal or inappropriate post then please report it to forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com
    • hollydays
    • By hollydays 14th Apr 18, 9:19 AM
    • 16,302 Posts
    • 12,328 Thanks
    hollydays
    I would just say- be aware this type of control creeps up on you. You probably are out of touch with what normal means now.

    Walking on eggshells , ibs, effect on self esteem.


    Get out before you can not , and have some guilt free fun with your life.
    Your life is supposed to be enhanced by a partnership, not made miserable.
    Yes, I am sure he has his good points, but so does everyone. Do not make the good points a bad reason to stay.
    Last edited by hollydays; 14-04-2018 at 9:22 AM.
    • Barny1979
    • By Barny1979 14th Apr 18, 6:02 PM
    • 4,124 Posts
    • 45,009 Thanks
    Barny1979
    Hopefully the Hen Do is going well!
    • Mummy2cheekymonkeys
    • By Mummy2cheekymonkeys 15th Apr 18, 7:17 AM
    • 146 Posts
    • 953 Thanks
    Mummy2cheekymonkeys
    I have been following this thread all week and I kept thinking about you all day yesterday last mile. I hope everything went well and you had a good time x
    • Sncjw
    • By Sncjw 15th Apr 18, 9:30 AM
    • 1,894 Posts
    • 1,119 Thanks
    Sncjw
    He is controlling you.

    Constantly texting and then calling you.

    Do you ever go out on a whim or do you have to plan it with your partner every time. I mean even just to go to the shops?
    • unholyangel
    • By unholyangel 16th Apr 18, 1:16 AM
    • 12,639 Posts
    • 9,952 Thanks
    unholyangel
    God dont i know it.
    its defo never as easily done, but i think if he ruins this hen im going to take action.
    Originally posted by last mile
    I read your initial posts but had to run without replying. I've probably forgotten most of what I was going to say but not this part....

    You only think its hard looking forward, not when you're looking back. When you look back, you kick yourself for not doing it soon.

    Im always cautious about advising someone end their long term relationship based on a few tidbits, but I suspect perhaps your partner may possibly be more a manipulator.

    I've never encountered anyone with depression that is selfish - usually the very opposite. So when faced with the symptoms of their illness, they tend to blame themselves, not other people. For example a friend walks past you without saying hello, depressed & anxious person is likely to start obsessing over what they might have done wrong to have the friend do that.

    A manipulator on the other hand blames you - its your fault they're upset because you went out and you know how it upsets them.

    So with that in mind.....does your partner blame himself? Or you? I suspect its the latter - else he'd be telling you "no, you go on out and enjoy yourself, I need to learn to deal with it".

    Tbh relationships like this are easy to fall into - usually you're too busy being on the defensive all the time to have time to clearly think about their behaviour.

    I'd suggest a break away with friends - no partners. Somewhere remote there is no mobile signal. For at least 3 days but preferably a week. If all you feel is relief....end it. Life is too short and there is no "do-over". Your time is the most precious thing you have because it is finite - money might buy you a little extra but it can't prolong the inevitable. So don't waste your time on people who want you to be anything other than happy.
    Last edited by unholyangel; 16-04-2018 at 2:47 PM.
    Money doesn't solve poverty.....it creates it.
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