Your browser isn't supported
It looks like you're using an old web browser. To get the most out of the site and to ensure guides display correctly, we suggest upgrading your browser now. Download the latest:

Welcome to the MSE Forums

We're home to a fantastic community of MoneySavers but anyone can post. Please exercise caution & report spam, illegal, offensive or libellous posts/messages: click "report" or email forumteam@.

Search
  • FIRST POST
    • Single Dad Still
    • By Single Dad Still 9th Apr 18, 9:06 PM
    • 7Posts
    • 6Thanks
    Single Dad Still
    Getting over my ex
    • #1
    • 9th Apr 18, 9:06 PM
    Getting over my ex 9th Apr 18 at 9:06 PM
    Hi, my first post so please be gentle with me.

    So, in a nutshell Iím really struggling to get over the end of my last relationship. We met 9 years ago, were in a relationship for almost 8 which ended in October last year (though in reality it was over a long time before that).

    Iím mid 40s, single with 2 great kids. Iíve only had 2 serious relationships in my life - my wife (and kids mum) who passed away 10 years ago and my ex.

    I have a decent job I enjoy and my kids to keep me busy but I canít stop thinking about my ex and feeling sad.

    So how have other people coped after a break up? What did you do to get over things?

    Thanks for any advice.
Page 1
    • hollydays
    • By hollydays 9th Apr 18, 9:07 PM
    • 15,957 Posts
    • 11,991 Thanks
    hollydays
    • #2
    • 9th Apr 18, 9:07 PM
    • #2
    • 9th Apr 18, 9:07 PM
    Speak to your doctor?
    Get into dating again?
    Find things to distract your mind.
    Last edited by hollydays; 09-04-2018 at 11:38 PM.
    • flashg67
    • By flashg67 9th Apr 18, 9:33 PM
    • 2,431 Posts
    • 1,590 Thanks
    flashg67
    • #3
    • 9th Apr 18, 9:33 PM
    • #3
    • 9th Apr 18, 9:33 PM
    Keeping busy outside of work / kids might help - finding support groups or social events locally with similar people? Any hobbies, clubs, sports, volunteering etc you can join in with.

    Have a night or two out 'with the lads'. I found that even in my late 30s when I was getting divorced, a little flirting gave me a boost, even if nothing serious was going to come of it.
    • Poppy1984
    • By Poppy1984 10th Apr 18, 12:02 AM
    • 178 Posts
    • 337 Thanks
    Poppy1984
    • #4
    • 10th Apr 18, 12:02 AM
    • #4
    • 10th Apr 18, 12:02 AM
    I really feel for you, it must be very difficult to have lost your wife and the mother of your children to then find love again and find yourself single after 8 years.

    It's okay to feel sad and to miss your ex, it's ok to think about her and feel sad. Hive yourself permission to feel that way because fighting/ resisting those feelings will only make them more powerful.

    Work on yourself, what makes you happy, what do you enjoy spending your time doing, what brings you joy? Perhaps find a new hobby/ interest. Connect to people in your life, spend time with your children, contact a family member or old mate arrange to meet up and catch up. After being in relationships most of your adult life I can understand you feeling a bit uncertain but it really can be fun being single. You get to be really selfish and do the things you enjoy without having to consider another's feelings. I spent 10 years single and although it could be lonely at times I was very happy. I spent a lot of time getting to know me, I worked on myself. I spent time building up wonderful relationships with my friends and family members.

    You can get over this and feel whole when you're single and then if you get to a point where you're ready to start dating again you'll feel so much more secure and happier.

    Good luck
    19-02-18 Total Debt £3,800 Next £815 Very £1600 Tesco Credit Card £1600
    PAID Next £815/£815 now closed Very £370/ 1600 Tesco £160/ £1600
    April - May Grocery Budget £40/£200 EF fund £200/£300
    • Doodles
    • By Doodles 10th Apr 18, 5:39 AM
    • 226 Posts
    • 215 Thanks
    Doodles
    • #5
    • 10th Apr 18, 5:39 AM
    • #5
    • 10th Apr 18, 5:39 AM
    Breakups suck, and you sound like you are still grieving for the loss of that relationship.

    Sounds like you are doing the right things by working, and spending time with your kids, but it can feel very 'empty' can't it (I've been there!)

    It will get better in time, but my advice would be to jazz things up a bit and do something that you've always wanted to do, go outside your comfort zone a little. Something that will focus your mind heavily that you can feel excited about.

    After my breakup with my husband, it took a long time, but one day I found myself not thinking about him very much, and eventually he didn't consume my thoughts whatsoever. I found comfort in my daily life, my routine and the people around me. There's no magic time of recovery from a relationship.
    • BrassicWoman
    • By BrassicWoman 10th Apr 18, 7:02 AM
    • 1,520 Posts
    • 6,432 Thanks
    BrassicWoman
    • #6
    • 10th Apr 18, 7:02 AM
    • #6
    • 10th Apr 18, 7:02 AM
    Don't focus on getting over it

    Do fill your life with things you want to do and people you want to see.
    Jan 18 grocery challenge £105.13/ £150
    • onomatopoeia99
    • By onomatopoeia99 10th Apr 18, 8:00 AM
    • 4,089 Posts
    • 9,174 Thanks
    onomatopoeia99
    • #7
    • 10th Apr 18, 8:00 AM
    • #7
    • 10th Apr 18, 8:00 AM
    Time. Some people can flit from relationship to relationship without a pause, but most need time to grieve and recover. There is no magic solution, and it might even take a couple of years, but it will get better.

    Circumstances were different but I have been through it and emerged out the other side.
    INTP, nerd, libertarian and scifi geek.
    Home is where my books are.
    • benten69
    • By benten69 10th Apr 18, 8:38 AM
    • 321 Posts
    • 1,326 Thanks
    benten69
    • #8
    • 10th Apr 18, 8:38 AM
    • #8
    • 10th Apr 18, 8:38 AM
    Speak to your doctor?
    Originally posted by hollydays
    I wouldn't bother with that. Most doctors these days barely have 5 minutes to spend with you and in this situation will probably just prescribe an anti-depressant or something similar, and if you have ever read the side effects those things can have I would avoid them like the plague. I remember having some prescribed to me. Took one read of the leaflet inside the pack and threw them out, knowing they would probably be worse for me in the long run, and glad I did.

    As for the OP, the post above sums it up...time is the only healer, time is the only thing that will make you feel better. However filling your time with hobbies, friends, your kids, flirting with some new women (possibly more also) will certainly help the time pass by.

    My best advice though....DO NOT keep in touch with her! It will do nothing more then prolong the time you feel hurt and upset.
    Emergency Fund - 100% Complete | Motorcycle Fund - 2.2% Complete
    New Kit Fund - 0% Complete | Touring Fund - 0% Complete
    Mortgage Sept '15: -£161,250 | Mar '18: -£151,288.12

    • pearl123
    • By pearl123 10th Apr 18, 11:25 AM
    • 1,365 Posts
    • 2,049 Thanks
    pearl123
    • #9
    • 10th Apr 18, 11:25 AM
    • #9
    • 10th Apr 18, 11:25 AM
    I spend a decade getting over an ex. Now with hindsight it was a complete and utter waste of time. My advice try and mentally move on as soon as possible.
    • hazyjo
    • By hazyjo 10th Apr 18, 12:07 PM
    • 10,350 Posts
    • 13,412 Thanks
    hazyjo
    Avoid all contact if you're hurting. That includes 'social media stalking' (which is very tempting!). I found myself looking at exes and being nosy and even thinking 'what if...' or feeling mixed emotions including hate and anger (my ex husband who cheated on me), and even local people near where I once lived who made my life hell for one reason or another, but it's so destructive. I found it easier to just hit the block button so you can never be tempted again.


    The feelings you get when you break up with someone are very similar to feelings of missing a loved one. They get a bit jumbled up when you're feeling any sort of grief, so I expect a lot of what you're feeling is to do with the loss of your wife. It's opened up old wounds.


    As above really, there's no magic formula. Sometimes burying it all under an imaginary plaster helps, sometimes leaving the wound open and feeling the pain and letting the tears come helps. Whatever's right for you - just try to move on again once you have let it all out. Then you can start to heal.


    Jx
    2018 wins: Single Malt Whisky; theatre tickets; festival tickets; year of gin!
    • bertiewhite
    • By bertiewhite 10th Apr 18, 12:15 PM
    • 1,029 Posts
    • 1,114 Thanks
    bertiewhite

    Have a night or two out 'with the lads'. I found that even in my late 30s when I was getting divorced, a little flirting gave me a boost, even if nothing serious was going to come of it.
    Originally posted by flashg67
    I was going to suggest having a "disengagement party"
    • Tabbytabitha
    • By Tabbytabitha 10th Apr 18, 3:33 PM
    • 1,973 Posts
    • 3,316 Thanks
    Tabbytabitha
    Speak to your doctor?
    Get into dating again?
    Find things to distract your mind.
    Originally posted by hollydays
    Why the doctor?
    • gonzo127
    • By gonzo127 10th Apr 18, 3:38 PM
    • 4,430 Posts
    • 5,701 Thanks
    gonzo127
    Why the doctor?
    Originally posted by Tabbytabitha
    i would guess to try and make sure that depression isnt creating problems, or if its like it is around here, we have a counselling service which can be referred to from the GP's in case that is needed
    Drop a brand challenge
    on a £100 shop you might on average get 70 items save
    10p per product = £7 a week ~ £28 a month
    20p per product = £14 a week ~ £56 a month
    30p per product = £21 a week ~ £84 a month (or in other words one weeks shoping at the new price)
    • Loz01
    • By Loz01 10th Apr 18, 4:00 PM
    • 1,529 Posts
    • 3,369 Thanks
    Loz01
    I wouldnt say start dating or swiping on Tinder. I find thats always advice people give you when you break up and jesus, that is the LAST thing you want to do most of the time (or thats how I felt anyway) - just give it some time and concentrate on the kids and you. Do you have hobbies? Friends you can get out with for the odd evening, even if its just to the pub for an hour or two for a drink?
    The fact is that more people have been slaughtered in the name of religion than for any other single reason. That, my friends, is a true perversion - Harvey Milk
    • Fireflyaway
    • By Fireflyaway 10th Apr 18, 7:15 PM
    • 1,677 Posts
    • 1,798 Thanks
    Fireflyaway
    October wasn't that long ago. If it was a long term committed relationship then it's going to take a while to feel better. Keep busy and don't keep going over the past. You have kids to care for and you are a person I your own right. You don't have to be in a relationship to be complete.
    • Single Dad Still
    • By Single Dad Still 11th Apr 18, 12:06 PM
    • 7 Posts
    • 6 Thanks
    Single Dad Still
    Hi everyone. Thank you all for your kind words and good advice.

    I guess it just feels like I should be over it by now, especially when the logical sensible side of my brain reminds me of the horrible times when I was made to feel so low.

    But then something reminds me of the good times and itís right back to square one again.

    I know youíre all right when you say give it time, I just wish I didnít feel so down when I think of her.

    Onwards and upwards I suppose. I think I need to find a hobby and some friends!!!

    Thanks again.
    • gonzo127
    • By gonzo127 11th Apr 18, 12:30 PM
    • 4,430 Posts
    • 5,701 Thanks
    gonzo127
    Hi everyone. Thank you all for your kind words and good advice.

    I guess it just feels like I should be over it by now, especially when the logical sensible side of my brain reminds me of the horrible times when I was made to feel so low.

    But then something reminds me of the good times and itís right back to square one again.

    I know youíre all right when you say give it time, I just wish I didnít feel so down when I think of her.

    Onwards and upwards I suppose. I think I need to find a hobby and some friends!!!

    Thanks again.
    Originally posted by Single Dad Still
    honestly dont feel down on yourself, grief (as thats what it is, you are in grief over the relationship) takes time.

    wish i could offer words of advice, but i am in a similar situation wondering when i will be over my ex girlfriend, but there is no set time frame, everyone is different, but it will happen, waiting just sucks,

    personally joined a local 'meetup' group and have gone out a few times with them to some comedy nights, which was fun and something i actually enjoyed (after my initial awkwardness of meeting completely new people). I dont know if you have the same problem as i have, but all this 'get a new hobby' suggestions sound great, but i dont have a clue on what i want to do as a hobby, so how do i find something to do?!?! followed by oh what do you enjoy........ erm well i dont know, if i did i would take it up as a hobby lol.

    which is why i have looked at the meet ups, they seem to have a strange mix of things in my local area, so as i am getting to know a few more people in the group, i am going to push myself to try and few of the things im not sure if i will enjoy, and see what happens, not expecting to get a hobby quickly, but if i can at least experience some new things, who knows?
    Drop a brand challenge
    on a £100 shop you might on average get 70 items save
    10p per product = £7 a week ~ £28 a month
    20p per product = £14 a week ~ £56 a month
    30p per product = £21 a week ~ £84 a month (or in other words one weeks shoping at the new price)
    • Jox
    • By Jox 11th Apr 18, 12:55 PM
    • 1,281 Posts
    • 2,755 Thanks
    Jox
    How are your children taking it? They lost their mum 10 years ago and now their "stepmum", it must be hard for all of you.

    Whenever I have had crises in my life I have taken St John's Wort which has lifted my mood after a week (do your own research before taking anything like this) and read lots of self-help books, here are some ideas (or go to your library and see what they have)

    https://humans.media/best-books-to-read-after-a-breakup

    Good luck to you all
    • Single Dad Still
    • By Single Dad Still 11th Apr 18, 3:11 PM
    • 7 Posts
    • 6 Thanks
    Single Dad Still
    Thanks Gonzo. You!!!8217;re right, I don!!!8217;t know what I enjoy doing anymore.

    When we were together I used to do what she wanted to try and keep her happy and kind of lost who I am along the way.

    I also get anxious around new people/new situations so find it difficult to make friends.

    Where did you find out about !!!8220;meetup!!!8221; groups? Sounds like just the thing I need.

    Thanks again.
    • Single Dad Still
    • By Single Dad Still 11th Apr 18, 3:12 PM
    • 7 Posts
    • 6 Thanks
    Single Dad Still
    Jox, thank you. The kids are taking it fairly well.

    My daughter never really got on with my ex (long story).

    My son is still best mates with her son which keeps him happy but is an added complication for me.
Welcome to our new Forum!

Our aim is to save you money quickly and easily. We hope you like it!

Forum Team Contact us

Live Stats

2,020Posts Today

8,705Users online

Martin's Twitter