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  • FIRST POST
    • ska lover
    • By ska lover 9th Apr 18, 7:49 PM
    • 2,699Posts
    • 6,585Thanks
    ska lover
    When to stop financially supporting adult kids
    • #1
    • 9th Apr 18, 7:49 PM
    When to stop financially supporting adult kids 9th Apr 18 at 7:49 PM
    As above really - when did you stop ''regularly' financially supporting your adult offspring?

    Following on from a conversation I had recently with a friend and we both had quite differing view points on this.

    I would be interested to hear what, if any, financial assistance people happily give their adult kids or did you feel adult kid was relying too much whilst you went without in middle age?

    BTW i hate the term ''adult kids'' I just can't think of a better way to term it

    I know there are no right or wrong answers to this
    The opposite of what you know...is also true
Page 5
    • happyandcontented
    • By happyandcontented 13th Apr 18, 1:38 PM
    • 1,063 Posts
    • 2,089 Thanks
    happyandcontented
    Oh dear. That's a very sad way of thinking.




    It's great to read posts like yours. I did exactly the same with my DDs and was delighted to give them the opportunity to save their deposits.


    I know I'd have felt differently if they were wasting money but they are financially savvy so they didn't.


    Sometimes I really feel in the minority here when I post about wanting to help/treat my children. I do appreciate that some posters are desperate for money and rely on Child Benefit for part of the family income but surely not as many as it sometimes seems.
    Originally posted by maman

    We have supported all our children through University, helped with house deposits, charged peppercorn rents when they lived at home to allow for savings, bought cars, etc, etc. We are fortunate to have been able to do this as we are comfortably off, obviously, had the situation been different then we may not have been able to be as generous.

    Now, all but one who is still at University (but working in Industry for a year so actually quite well paid) have their own cars, houses and professional jobs. So we feel that they have benefitted and used wisely the money we 'invested' in their education and overall economic well-being.

    Once a year we rent a villa with enough bedrooms for all, somewhere hot and offer them free accommodation, but we do expect them to pay for their own flights and contribute to food costs/meals out. Sometimes they all come, sometimes only one or two, sometimes none of them take up the offer, but when they do we enjoy our time together.

    Aside from that, we do not now offer regular support to the eldest ones as they don't need it, want it or expect it.

    We will still pay the accom costs for the youngest when he is back at university full time ( currently he pays his own rent/food/phone bills from his income) and also his living costs when he is at home and his mobile phone bill. However, he has saved a considerable amount from his paid year so he will have a decent deposit already should he decide to buy a property once he finishes university.

    Of course, we do treat them occasionally and they get a decent sum each at Christmas and Birthdays. We are of the opinion that if you give them the tools to succeed then they should be able to be financially independent and certainly not reliant on parents for daily living expenses unless they fall on hard times through illness, job loss or marital issues.

    We do have some friends though who; pay car insurances, fill cars up with petrol every time it is needed, pay for holidays including flights, accommodation and all food, inc meals out, dole out regular monetary handouts and more, for all four of their 'moved out, living independently' adult children. They have also done all that we did re University and paid for lavish weddings, given massive help with house buying costs and continued to buy them all cars even though they are all in high paying jobs. They have also paid off their student loans.

    They seem happy to do it, but we think that is taking things a little too far.
    Last edited by happyandcontented; 13-04-2018 at 1:47 PM.
    • mattpaint
    • By mattpaint 13th Apr 18, 2:10 PM
    • 102 Posts
    • 162 Thanks
    mattpaint
    It's the difference between helping and supporting - not a very difficult concept, I'd have thought.
    Originally posted by Tabbytabitha
    It seems the only difference you are making is with the amounts and those who have more than you have been spoiled, and those with less have not.

    Is there not a word for that?
    • Sea Shell
    • By Sea Shell 13th Apr 18, 2:26 PM
    • 675 Posts
    • 892 Thanks
    Sea Shell
    Ooh, I could tell you tales of adult dependent children (I'm related to one), but that would be airing their dirty laundry in public, so it's not my place. But I can see a financial train-crash heading towards them, and I don't know whether to say something or keep my head down and stay out of it. Lots of lip-biting going on!!
    " That pound I saved yesterday, is a pound I don't have to earn tomorrow "
    • Tabbytabitha
    • By Tabbytabitha 13th Apr 18, 3:13 PM
    • 1,947 Posts
    • 3,278 Thanks
    Tabbytabitha
    It seems the only difference you are making is with the amounts and those who have more than you have been spoiled, and those with less have not.

    Is there not a word for that?
    Originally posted by mattpaint
    "More than me"? That's a big assumption on your part.
    • mattpaint
    • By mattpaint 13th Apr 18, 3:28 PM
    • 102 Posts
    • 162 Thanks
    mattpaint
    "More than me"? That's a big assumption on your part.
    Originally posted by Tabbytabitha
    Apologies if you're offended. Do you have an amount you have decided is too much? Perhaps you could share it.

    It seems by your definition that those parents who support their adult children with the basics are in the wrong, but those who help them enjoy a lifestyle they couldn't afford alone are not. Which seems contrary to what you've said. Do you see where the confusion arises now?
    • Fireflyaway
    • By Fireflyaway 13th Apr 18, 4:20 PM
    • 1,669 Posts
    • 1,788 Thanks
    Fireflyaway
    Out of interest, do you have any siblings?
    If so are they able to be as generous to them too?
    Originally posted by Sea Shell
    That's a very good point. I'm an only child as is my own child. We can afford things now that we definitely couldn't if we had more. If we did have more kids then to me generosity would be important but treating them equally more so.
    • cjdavies
    • By cjdavies 13th Apr 18, 7:04 PM
    • 3,223 Posts
    • 3,439 Thanks
    cjdavies
    No children.

    I bought my own home myself, deposit myself, legal fees etc (however this was due to cheap rent to parents as they knew I was saving it for a deposit and not wasting it, I paid for my own food, broadband, sky, so they helped that way) - it's not that nice of a house but it's mine and did it myself.

    Parents offered to buy first appliance, I refused, it's me, I like to pay for my own things.
    Last edited by cjdavies; 13-04-2018 at 7:06 PM.
    • Tabbytabitha
    • By Tabbytabitha 13th Apr 18, 8:17 PM
    • 1,947 Posts
    • 3,278 Thanks
    Tabbytabitha
    Apologies if you're offended. Do you have an amount you have decided is too much? Perhaps you could share it.

    It seems by your definition that those parents who support their adult children with the basics are in the wrong, but those who help them enjoy a lifestyle they couldn't afford alone are not. Which seems contrary to what you've said. Do you see where the confusion arises now?
    Originally posted by mattpaint
    Not offended and not confused - I thought that was you.
    • splishsplash
    • By splishsplash 15th Apr 18, 5:06 PM
    • 2,816 Posts
    • 8,004 Thanks
    splishsplash
    ...[snip]Obviously - all "children" should be treated exactly equally and parents do need to bear in mind that if a couple of adult "children" are being treated exactly equally personally BUT one of the "children" is also getting help for their children and the other one isnt and won't ever be having children = that isn't equal treatment[/snip]...
    Originally posted by moneyistooshorttomention
    I don't see how this is obvious at all.

    My middle child had orthodontic treatment running into many thousands but I didn't give thousands to my other kids - why on earth would I?
    My eldest's uni course was three years, the next two kids had four year courses. Should I have handed over the money I spent on fees and accommodation to the eldest for the extra year? Of course not.

    If one of my adult children run into difficulties and I want to help them, then I will. I am under no obligation to hand out to the others for the sake of it.

    I have one grandson. I choose to do things for him as a member of my family in his own right. If I do something for him it's for him, not my child (his parent).

    It's not really anyone else's concern what I do with my money. If I thought my kids were watching to see what I spent on grandkids or siblings out of some imagined claim they felt to a share of my assets I would be disgusted with them tbh. That's not how I raised them.
    I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
    • missg2210
    • By missg2210 15th Apr 18, 8:33 PM
    • 50 Posts
    • 36 Thanks
    missg2210
    So from my experience.... Iím 26 nearly 27 & still live at home. I have a great job and pays in the top 5% of wages. I save 2k every 4 weeks and my dad knows this. He has no mortgage but I give him rent. However I also do all the washing and cleaning and we share the food shop monthly. He pays 1 week me the other. ITS fair and I contribute a lot whilst he lets me live under his roof. It is only me and my dad and tbh think he will be sad when I go
    • pipkin71
    • By pipkin71 15th Apr 18, 8:52 PM
    • 19,115 Posts
    • 86,167 Thanks
    pipkin71
    Definitely need more information to give a helpful answer.

    I give happily whenever I have an opportunity. I think what matters to me is that my DDs are financially independent so I treat them when I can but they never ask. Most recently I gave them some money for Easter. DD1 was going away so I got her some currency and sent the same in pounds to DD2.

    I'm able to afford it. It gives me pleasure and it's what my parents did for me.
    Originally posted by maman
    I'm the same. My girls are financially independent but I still treat them, give them gifts, cash, pay for things they like to do. The flip side is, they will also treat me, just because

    I'm really pleased that both girls save a portion of their wages, building a nice little nest egg but, if they were in financial trouble, I would do what I could, to help them out.
    There is something delicious about writing the first words of a story. You never quite know where they'll take you - Beatrix Potter
    • pipkin71
    • By pipkin71 15th Apr 18, 8:54 PM
    • 19,115 Posts
    • 86,167 Thanks
    pipkin71
    Hi there,


    Just for clarification as people are asking, we weren't talking treats as such, more like regular living costs: Rent, food .. for a mid 20 year old
    Originally posted by ska lover
    Then, if they needed support and I was in a position to help, I would
    There is something delicious about writing the first words of a story. You never quite know where they'll take you - Beatrix Potter
    • maman
    • By maman 15th Apr 18, 9:01 PM
    • 17,782 Posts
    • 106,521 Thanks
    maman
    This has been an interesting thread. Good to chat, hear others opinions and appreciate different circumstances.




    While I understand why OP couldn't give details of a friend's private issues it has lead to lots of speculation. Unfortunately we don't know why the adult child needed essentials paying for.
    • Sea Shell
    • By Sea Shell 16th Apr 18, 6:34 AM
    • 675 Posts
    • 892 Thanks
    Sea Shell
    If one of my adult children run into difficulties and I want to help them, then I will. I am under no obligation to hand out to the others for the sake of it.
    Originally posted by splishsplash
    However, do you think it fair that if a parent were to help one child out significantly (financially), as the others are "OK" (at the moment) but they are not really in a position to afford to be so generous, and therefore find that they are then unable to help another child who may need help later on...and have to tell them "sorry there's no money left!"

    Just the other side of the coin, as it were.
    " That pound I saved yesterday, is a pound I don't have to earn tomorrow "
    • John-K
    • By John-K 16th Apr 18, 6:51 AM
    • 516 Posts
    • 732 Thanks
    John-K
    Hi there,


    Just for clarification as people are asking, we weren't talking treats as such, more like regular living costs: Rent, food .. for a mid 20 year old
    Originally posted by ska lover
    Do they have severe learning difficulties, or life limiting disabilities that mean that they canít be expected to look after themselves?

    If so then I think your support is completely warranted, and the right thing to do.

    If they are of sound mind and body then aiíd have to ask why you are doing this.

    Those I know who were supported like this have not ended up doing very well. They have never developed a proper career, as they saw no need to put in the hard graft upfront for reward later. Life was too easy with the parents helping out.
    • John-K
    • By John-K 16th Apr 18, 6:59 AM
    • 516 Posts
    • 732 Thanks
    John-K
    Sometimes I really feel in the minority here when I post about wanting to help/treat my children. I do appreciate that some posters are desperate for money and rely on Child Benefit for part of the family income but surely not as many as it sometimes seems.
    Originally posted by maman
    I think that you are maybe getting the wrong end of the stick; I (and I suspect others) are not saying that I need the money myself, I am saying that it risks infantilising adults, and stopping them making the right decisions and getting their adult lives in order.

    As I mention above, Iíve seen that in practice with friends whose parents stepped in too much.
    • Artytarty
    • By Artytarty 16th Apr 18, 8:23 AM
    • 2,159 Posts
    • 4,770 Thanks
    Artytarty
    Some children go into the arts where it!!!8217;s very hard to make a career.
    You need support to able to stick at it until such times as you can manage to get by or decide to retrain. It!!!8217;s never a question of just getting a qualifiacation and then the job as an artist!
    So yes, I would support under these circumstances to mid twenties and beyond.
    Norn Iron Club member 473
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