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Main site > Forums > Household & Travel > Marriage, Relationships & Families > When to stop financially supporting adult kids
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    • By ska lover 9th Apr 18, 7:49 PM
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    When to stop financially supporting adult kids
    • #1
    • 9th Apr 18, 7:49 PM
    When to stop financially supporting adult kids 9th Apr 18 at 7:49 PM
    As above really - when did you stop ''regularly' financially supporting your adult offspring?

    Following on from a conversation I had recently with a friend and we both had quite differing view points on this.

    I would be interested to hear what, if any, financial assistance people happily give their adult kids or did you feel adult kid was relying too much whilst you went without in middle age?

    BTW i hate the term ''adult kids'' I just can't think of a better way to term it

    I know there are no right or wrong answers to this
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      Tabbytabitha
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    • By Tabbytabitha 12th Apr 18, 2:27 PM
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      What's this?

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    “
    What sort of person would think a parent paying for a family holiday is someone trying to buy affection? Such a sad state of mind to exist in.
    Originally posted by mattpaint ”
    “
    So you're completely against inheritance and things like trust funds/investment accounts set up for children?
    Originally posted by mattpaint ”
    Savings accounts for university fees/first car/ flat deposit is fair enough if you choose but a trust fund that produces "Trustafarian" children, not so much.
    I think the IHT threshold should be very much lower than it is at present - to put it up (as the Tories so cynically did) to benefit the children of the wealthy was inexcusable.

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    • By Sea Shell 12th Apr 18, 2:36 PM
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    I bet there are quite a few families who would love to holiday alone as a unit, but can't afford it. So along come parents offering an "extended" family holiday, so what do they do....of course they accept.

    It doesn't mean they don't love their parents if they'd rather not go with them. But in the real world, a free holiday is a free holiday!!!
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    • By Money maker 12th Apr 18, 2:51 PM
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      What's this?

    Money maker
    We used to take holidays with our In Laws when DS1 & 2 were younger, had they not offered then we would have not had any time away.
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    • By ska lover 12th Apr 18, 3:02 PM
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      What's this?

    ska lover
    “
    We used to take holidays with our In Laws when DS1 & 2 were younger, had they not offered then we would have not had any time away.
    Originally posted by Money maker ”

    Did you enjoy your hols with Inlaws? I'm not snarking btw, I would find it stressful.


    I went on holiday once with my parents as an adult (I paid) and vowed never again - quite the opposite of a fun relaxing holiday that I had in mind
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    • By Fireflyaway 12th Apr 18, 4:36 PM
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      What's this?

    Fireflyaway
    I'm 38 and my parents still help out! I lived at home till age 24 and paid no rent, bills etc. My parents paid for my wedding, the deposit for my first house and still now regularly give me money for my child's school transport and holiday clubs. they bought me a car a few months back and I pay them back each month to avoid car finance. Over the years they have treated us to some lovely holidays too. I work full time and my total household income is ok so it's not because we can't afford it, they just like to be generous ( in non monetary ways too) and I'm really appreciative. I hope to do the same with my child.

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    • By Sea Shell 12th Apr 18, 4:48 PM
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      What's this?

    Sea Shell
    “
    I'm 38 and my parents still help out! I lived at home till age 24 and paid no rent, bills etc. My parents paid for my wedding, the deposit for my first house and still now regularly give me money for my child's school transport and holiday clubs. they bought me a car a few months back and I pay them back each month to avoid car finance. Over the years they have treated us to some lovely holidays too. I work full time and my total household income is ok so it's not because we can't afford it, they just like to be generous ( in non monetary ways too) and I'm really appreciative. I hope to do the same with my child.
    Originally posted by Fireflyaway ”
    Out of interest, do you have any siblings?
    If so are they able to be as generous to them too?
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    • By maman 12th Apr 18, 5:31 PM
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      What's this?

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    “
    - Just thinking further about this and I do not see that the ''regular financial support'' that I mentioned in post one.. is in any way the same as paying for luxury holidays or why that has even come in to it, if I am honest. The thread has come a different direction from the original question.

    I was asking about regular financial support as in basic bills not luxury treats.
    Originally posted by ska lover ”

    I suppose, to an extent, it's like any conversation in RL, it can easily go off on a tangent.


    I'd say that there's been a fairly consistent approach from most of us that are able to afford it that we like to pay for treats but wouldn't expect to give regular financial support unless in exceptional circumstances like ill health or redundancy or similar.


    So as we don't know the circumstances of the adult child then people will fill in the gaps with conjecture and speculation.

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    • By svain 12th Apr 18, 7:12 PM
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      What's this?

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    As much as im all for sharing the wealth, and i have a very good relationship with all my family, but the thought of holidaying with my folks,... let alone the in-laws (eek!) .... sends me into a cold sweat. I would also not be comfortable for someone else to pay for my holiday every year. ...... I might make an exception for a landmark Birthday or Anniversary

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    • By ska lover 12th Apr 18, 7:27 PM
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      What's this?

    ska lover
    “
    I suppose, to an extent, it's like any conversation in RL, it can easily go off on a tangent.


    I'd say that there's been a fairly consistent approach from most of us that are able to afford it that we like to pay for treats but wouldn't expect to give regular financial support unless in exceptional circumstances like ill health or redundancy or similar.


    So as we don't know the circumstances of the adult child then people will fill in the gaps with conjecture and speculation.
    Originally posted by maman ”
    Very true about the RL thing

    ahh I see, don't get me wrong i think you have a great situation, you aren't being relied upon and have the stress and anxieties of that - In your case, the treats are well received and you clearly enjoy giving - It sounds ideal and everyone is happy

    Not to sound morbid but if you passed away tomorrow, your adult kids would (financially speaking only, obviously) at worst - miss holidays - as they are covering their own living expenses

    I know I haven't put massive amount of info on here, as it just doesn't seem the right thing to do - it is not my situation but one i see having a big effect on good hard working people I know well.
    The opposite of what you know...is also true

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    • By ska lover 12th Apr 18, 7:32 PM
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      What's this?

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    “
    As much as im all for sharing the wealth, and i have a very good relationship with all my family, but the thought of holidaying with my folks,... let alone the in-laws (eek!) .... sends me into a cold sweat. I would also not be comfortable for someone else to pay for my holiday every year. ...... I might make an exception for a landmark Birthday or Anniversary
    Originally posted by svain ”
    We were invited by the inlaws on holiday this year (all paying for ourselves). I just don't get the appeal - however we had a valid good reason to not. However if we didnt I would have come up with a bs excuse as there is not a chance

    My SIL (and BIL) she holidays with her parents (my inlaws) every single year without fail. Even to the extent of taking parents on honeymoon (I wish i was joking). That's an altogether different thread...
    The opposite of what you know...is also true

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    • By maman 12th Apr 18, 8:46 PM
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      What's this?

    maman
    It wasn't actually me that takes the children on holiday. We have had big family holidays in the past but they were massive occasions with aunties and uncles and cousins. We had 30+ once and took over a chateau!

    These days we'll either give them money to pay for a holiday if they choose to or give some currency as spending money for a holiday they've booked themselves.

    I've never understood the honeymoon thing either. I once saw a post calling it a Familymoon! Yuk!_

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    • By svain 12th Apr 18, 9:15 PM
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      What's this?

    svain
    “
    We were invited by the inlaws on holiday this year (all paying for ourselves). I just don't get the appeal - however we had a valid good reason to not. However if we didnt I would have come up with a bs excuse as there is not a chance

    My SIL (and BIL) she holidays with her parents (my inlaws) every single year without fail. Even to the extent of taking parents on honeymoon (I wish i was joking). That's an altogether different thread...
    Originally posted by ska lover ”
    To be fair i wouldn't want to holiday with my own kids either

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    • By ska lover 12th Apr 18, 10:19 PM
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      What's this?

    ska lover
    “
    It wasn't actually me that takes the children on holiday. _
    Originally posted by maman ”
    My mistake, I am easily confused
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    • By Abrahamm 13th Apr 18, 8:59 AM
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      What's this?

    Abrahamm
    Well, I do not know why not to support financially if I can

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    • By enthusiasticsaver 13th Apr 18, 9:09 AM
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      What's this?

    enthusiasticsaver
    “
    Definitely need more information to give a helpful answer.

    I give happily whenever I have an opportunity. I think what matters to me is that my DDs are financially independent so I treat them when I can but they never ask. Most recently I gave them some money for Easter. DD1 was going away so I got her some currency and sent the same in pounds to DD2.

    I'm able to afford it. It gives me pleasure and it's what my parents did for me.

    I think I'd feel different if they were wasting their own money and looking to me to bail them out.
    Originally posted by maman ”
    Exactly this. I am happy to give them money towards new baby, car, childcare costs, holiday etc. We can afford it and my mum did the same. Neither of our DDs have ever asked for money but we like to make life a bit more comfortable for them.
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    • By mattpaint 13th Apr 18, 12:19 PM
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      What's this?

    mattpaint
    “
    Savings accounts for university fees/first car/ flat deposit is fair enough if you choose but a trust fund that produces "Trustafarian" children, not so much.
    I think the IHT threshold should be very much lower than it is at present - to put it up (as the Tories so cynically did) to benefit the children of the wealthy was inexcusable.
    Originally posted by Tabbytabitha ”
    So you don't have any moral objections - it's all about the amounts. A car or even a flat deposit is fine, but if it's more than that then it's unacceptable?

    Why the difference?

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    • By moneyistooshorttomention 13th Apr 18, 12:35 PM
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      What's this?

    moneyistooshorttomention
    “


    For me though, I would differentiate between treats and paying for necessities because the child has been irresponsible. I agree with tabby that if you've brought up your child to be financially responsible it shouldn't happen in the normal course of events.


    Obviously I understand that we can't give too much personal information on these threads, but in the case of your friend, why are they paying for essentials for the grown up child? I'd have a very different view if they'd perhaps been made redundant than if they had sufficient income but chose to spend it in the pub.
    Originally posted by maman ”
    I'd tend to agree with this view - ie I would be taking into account why the "child" needed support (ie was it need or a want?).

    Obviously - all "children" should be treated exactly equally and parents do need to bear in mind that if a couple of adult "children" are being treated exactly equally personally BUT one of the "children" is also getting help for their children and the other one isnt and won't ever be having children = that isn't equal treatment

    If I'd had any (bearing in mind both of them would now be in their 30's) I'd have taken the view of helping as much as possible with costs of "getting established" (eg buying a house in the first place) and making sure they had whatever money they needed to help if they were in process of getting a career (rather than a job).

    After that - then I'd be weighing up whether I had money spare to subsidise them any further or whether I needed my money for myself. So it would be very dependant on whether my own income was not enough/enough/money to spare level. The subsidising would only continue if my own income was "money to spare" level and I could see that their income was something like "employer only paying them NMW level".
    ****************

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    • By Tabbytabitha 13th Apr 18, 12:41 PM
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      What's this?

    Tabbytabitha
    “
    So you don't have any moral objections - it's all about the amounts. A car or even a flat deposit is fine, but if it's more than that then it's unacceptable?

    Why the difference?
    Originally posted by mattpaint ”
    It's the difference between helping and supporting - not a very difficult concept, I'd have thought.

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    • By Sea Shell 13th Apr 18, 1:00 PM
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      What's this?

    Sea Shell
    “
    Obviously - all "children" should be treated exactly equally and parents do need to bear in mind that if a couple of adult "children" are being treated exactly equally personally BUT one of the "children" is also getting help for their children and the other one isnt and won't ever be having children = that isn't equal treatment
    Originally posted by moneyistooshorttomention ”
    I agree with this!!
    " That pound I saved yesterday, is a pound I don't have to earn tomorrow "

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    • By enthusiasticsaver 13th Apr 18, 1:02 PM
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      What's this?

    enthusiasticsaver
    “
    Oh dear. That's a very sad way of thinking.




    It's great to read posts like yours. I did exactly the same with my DDs and was delighted to give them the opportunity to save their deposits.


    I know I'd have felt differently if they were wasting money but they are financially savvy so they didn't.


    Sometimes I really feel in the minority here when I post about wanting to help/treat my children. I do appreciate that some posters are desperate for money and rely on Child Benefit for part of the family income but surely not as many as it sometimes seems.
    Originally posted by maman ”
    We do it too Maman. We are financially comfortable though so I guess we would not be able to give as much help if we were struggling. We helped both our DDs with house deposits and we helped with wedding costs and have paid for holidays. We also help out with childcare for our DGC both in terms of looking after her and financially helping with nursery costs and occasional clothes for the GC. I would prefer my DDs did not have to worry about money but they cover their basic living costs themselves. One of my DDs used some of the money gifted to do mortgage overpayments and the other used it towards home improvements. It just meant they could do it sooner due to us helping them.

    They have both worked from the age of 16 doing caravan cleaning jobs, shop work, waitressing and held jobs while studying at University. They both found full time jobs so they are not lazy and are sensible and careful with money. If I thought they were irresponsible then I would possibly not help as much.

    As you say you cannot take it with you so I like treating them.
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