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  • FIRST POST
    • ska lover
    • By ska lover 9th Apr 18, 7:49 PM
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    ska lover
    When to stop financially supporting adult kids
    • #1
    • 9th Apr 18, 7:49 PM
    When to stop financially supporting adult kids 9th Apr 18 at 7:49 PM
    As above really - when did you stop ''regularly' financially supporting your adult offspring?

    Following on from a conversation I had recently with a friend and we both had quite differing view points on this.

    I would be interested to hear what, if any, financial assistance people happily give their adult kids or did you feel adult kid was relying too much whilst you went without in middle age?

    BTW i hate the term ''adult kids'' I just can't think of a better way to term it

    I know there are no right or wrong answers to this
    The opposite of what you know...is also true
Page 3
    • d61step
    • By d61step 11th Apr 18, 9:02 AM
    • 2 Posts
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    d61step
    Adult? still my child
    I agree with maman.I take my children & grandchildren on holiday every year with my husband .We rent the villa and pay the airfares.It gives us enormous pleasure and its 2 weeks quality family time together,you can't take your money with you! so why not enjoy it while you can.We also help out with overpayments to their mortgages so they can be mortgage free sooner, like we did for ourselves.They have never asked us for a penny.But why would you not want to try to make life a little easier for the people you love.
    • Katapolt
    • By Katapolt 11th Apr 18, 9:18 AM
    • 236 Posts
    • 289 Thanks
    Katapolt
    I'm 31 & still live at home due to illness with my Mother.

    I buy nearly all my own food and cook either for myself or for both of us.

    Sometimes we want different things or to eat at different times and as adults work out the best way to share space etc.

    I don't find anything odd about what you posted about their arrangement. I'm not a child obliged to take part in family meals. As an adult I get to choose when and what I eat.

    Maybe look at it more as adults living together rather than a parent/child dynamic especially given the age of "child".

    I certainly strive for an adults living together arrangement over a parent/child relationship. Because we are two adults living together, who just happen to be family.
    Originally posted by KxMx
    Thats different though because thats what works for you. Youre both happy with that arrangement, and there isnt a problem.

    Without going into gory details, its a very different situation in the household im referring to.

    There's also the flipside where some adults due to circumstance are reliant on their parents, and the parents abuse this for control.
    • Tabbytabitha
    • By Tabbytabitha 11th Apr 18, 1:24 PM
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    Tabbytabitha
    I agree with maman.I take my children & grandchildren on holiday every year with my husband .We rent the villa and pay the airfares.It gives us enormous pleasure and its 2 weeks quality family time together,you can't take your money with you! so why not enjoy it while you can.We also help out with overpayments to their mortgages so they can be mortgage free sooner, like we did for ourselves.They have never asked us for a penny.But why would you not want to try to make life a little easier for the people you love.
    Originally posted by d61step
    Trouble is, if you pay for everything you can't know whether they actually want to holiday with you or just can't say no to a free holiday. You can't buy affection.
    • maisie cat
    • By maisie cat 11th Apr 18, 2:37 PM
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    maisie cat
    When I wanted to stay on for the 6th form my mum asked for 5 a week from my part time wages of 16.50. She bought food although I got fed at work, and obviously bills, when I started full time work I paid 25% of my take home pay. I'm pretty sure it made me more responsible, and also made it easier to transition to moving out. My neighbours have 2 daughters 23 & 21 who work full time and pay nothing for them or their boyfriends who live there most of the time. Both parents complain about this but don't change it
    • Pdbaggett
    • By Pdbaggett 11th Apr 18, 3:10 PM
    • 109 Posts
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    Pdbaggett
    I bought my first house last year at 31 with my girlfriend before that we both lived in my parents house. After uni it took me a long time to get a well paying job but the last 2 years I was living their I was on about 40k and girlfriend about 16k. I never paid rent not because I didn't offer but my parents are quite comfortable and just didn't need or want it.

    That said all of my money bar a few luxuries was put into the house deposit. without their help over the years I wouldn't have been able to accomplish half the things I've managed.
    • Spendless
    • By Spendless 11th Apr 18, 5:24 PM
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    Spendless
    When I wanted to stay on for the 6th form my mum asked for 5 a week from my part time wages of 16.50. She bought food although I got fed at work, and obviously bills, when I started full time work I paid 25% of my take home pay. I'm pretty sure it made me more responsible, and also made it easier to transition to moving out. My neighbours have 2 daughters 23 & 21 who work full time and pay nothing for them or their boyfriends who live there most of the time. Both parents complain about this but don't change it
    Originally posted by maisie cat
    Tbh, and I have worked with people whose parents asked for money from a part-time job when they were in sixth form, I think it's wrong.

    When you're still in education (FE), your parents can still claim child benefit and tax credits for you if they are eligible.

    Use money from a p-time job to pay for things specific to you, socialising for example or clothes/make up/hair cuts etc. Maybe even transport if your college is expensive to travel to, but having to pay towards costs when parents are still in receipt of child related benefits I think is wrong - sorry!

    Of course you might be talking a very long time ago and parents weren't receiving a penny.
    • maman
    • By maman 11th Apr 18, 7:36 PM
    • 18,856 Posts
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    maman
    Trouble is, if you pay for everything you can't know whether they actually want to holiday with you or just can't say no to a free holiday. You can't buy affection.
    Originally posted by Tabbytabitha

    Oh dear. That's a very sad way of thinking.

    I bought my first house last year at 31 with my girlfriend before that we both lived in my parents house. After uni it took me a long time to get a well paying job but the last 2 years I was living their I was on about 40k and girlfriend about 16k. I never paid rent not because I didn't offer but my parents are quite comfortable and just didn't need or want it.

    That said all of my money bar a few luxuries was put into the house deposit. without their help over the years I wouldn't have been able to accomplish half the things I've managed.
    Originally posted by Pdbaggett

    It's great to read posts like yours. I did exactly the same with my DDs and was delighted to give them the opportunity to save their deposits.


    I know I'd have felt differently if they were wasting money but they are financially savvy so they didn't.


    Sometimes I really feel in the minority here when I post about wanting to help/treat my children. I do appreciate that some posters are desperate for money and rely on Child Benefit for part of the family income but surely not as many as it sometimes seems.
    • suki1964
    • By suki1964 11th Apr 18, 8:11 PM
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    suki1964
    Oh dear. That's a very sad way of thinking.




    It's great to read posts like yours. I did exactly the same with my DDs and was delighted to give them the opportunity to save their deposits.


    I know I'd have felt differently if they were wasting money but they are financially savvy so they didn't.


    Sometimes I really feel in the minority here when I post about wanting to help/treat my children. I do appreciate that some posters are desperate for money and rely on Child Benefit for part of the family income but surely not as many as it sometimes seems.
    Originally posted by maman
    No, I treat my stepdaughter all the time as Ive already posted. Its not a lot, certainly nothing I cant afford ( I only work PT on NMW) but I have more disposable income then she does

    If Ive money and she's struggling to put petrol in the car, then its hers. I buy the shoes and coats for the grandkids to ensure they aren't running around in gutties all the time and I pay for the big pressie at Christmas,birthday etc so the kids don't miss out and mum doesn't have to struggle as much
    if you lend someone 20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it
    • Alikay
    • By Alikay 11th Apr 18, 8:14 PM
    • 4,841 Posts
    • 13,039 Thanks
    Alikay
    Sometimes I really feel in the minority here when I post about wanting to help/treat my children. I do appreciate that some posters are desperate for money and rely on Child Benefit for part of the family income but surely not as many as it sometimes seems.
    Originally posted by maman
    You're not alone, maman - we're happy to treat our kids too. We don't go daft as we've never been a flashy sort of a family anyway, but we're perfectly happy to pick up the tab when we go for dinner with our grown up kids and our parents, or give them a few 's towards the train fare when they pop up to visit. My mum and dad used to do the same 20/30 years ago, and we did appreciate it. Our children are generous too, even though they don't have a lot of cash: They'll maybe buy the ice-creams if we're at the park together, stump up for a take away, or pop round with cream cakes for everyone.

    I often wonder if these people who are so "careful" with money where their families are concerned are so ungenerous with their friends (assuming they have friends.....).
    • mattpaint
    • By mattpaint 11th Apr 18, 8:27 PM
    • 239 Posts
    • 465 Thanks
    mattpaint
    Trouble is, if you pay for everything you can't know whether they actually want to holiday with you or just can't say no to a free holiday. You can't buy affection.
    Originally posted by Tabbytabitha
    What sort of person would think a parent paying for a family holiday is someone trying to buy affection? Such a sad state of mind to exist in.
    • Tabbytabitha
    • By Tabbytabitha 11th Apr 18, 9:07 PM
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    Tabbytabitha
    Oh dear. That's a very sad way of thinking.

    I think it's just realistic, you'd have to be a saint to turn down a free, all expenses paid holiday. It's the same with teenagers who'd generally prefer to holiday with friends if they could afford it, but carry on going away with their parents for free.




    It's great to read posts like yours. I did exactly the same with my DDs and was delighted to give them the opportunity to save their deposits.


    I know I'd have felt differently if they were wasting money but they are financially savvy so they didn't.


    Sometimes I really feel in the minority here when I post about wanting to help/treat my children. I do appreciate that some posters are desperate for money and rely on Child Benefit for part of the family income but surely not as many as it sometimes seems.
    Originally posted by maman
    I think there's an enormous difference between treating adult children and being a contributor to their everyday budget. I treated my parents whenever I could (including taking them on holiday) but I wouldn't have wanted to take their money when they were pensioners and I was in my thirties - that seems the wrong way round to me.
    • Drawingaline
    • By Drawingaline 11th Apr 18, 9:33 PM
    • 512 Posts
    • 1,658 Thanks
    Drawingaline
    My mum pays 30 a month for one of my children's dancing classes and my mil does the same. Basically it got to the point where I was going to have to stop the classes (they both adore dancing and I really didn't want to) and they offered. It gives them joy to be able to do this for their grandchildren and so I let them. They can both afford to do this, of course if they couldn't I wouldn't let them. I do sometimes feel guilty but it is benefitting my children so I accept it.

    My husband was out of work for a year and during that time my mum paid for a school trip and a camp for my daughter and gave me enough for a tank of petrol every month. Again I was so grateful for this at a very trying time, although my husband was out of work I was trying to hold own two jobs so we could still pay the mortgage. My mil also sent some money when she could.

    My mil was a single mum and my husband is her only child. She raised him with a very low income and depended on the free childcare her parents gave her so she could work. Now she is comfortably off she likes to help out, (less so now than 15yrs ago) because she sees it as making up for all the times she couldn't when my husband was young. And as she isn't local to us she likes to spend on the grandkids when she sees them. I like to do a small list when we do see her, things like school shoes, a nice outfit, new school bags etc, things that she knows are needed and will be used.

    My mum had helped out with childcare a lot. Unfortunately her health isn't the best and I have had to stop this, she still enjoys spending time with the kids, but I cannot allow her to be in sole care of all of them as it isn't fair, on her or on them.

    Having seen the amount of time both of my parents gave up to assist their parents in their last years I can sort of seeing it all 'evening out' in the future. While they didn't need to help out financially as both sets of grandparents were well set up, it's still a 'cost' to give up the time and commit.

    I hope to raise independent, financially savvy children, but hope that I will be able to help out a and when if needed. We have at least one child who may never be able to live independently but that is a different type of support.
    • newatc
    • By newatc 11th Apr 18, 10:38 PM
    • 310 Posts
    • 360 Thanks
    newatc
    If the parents can afford it and their children need it (sometimes even if they don't if IHT is a factor) then it probably goes on for life.
    We bring them into this world and, apart from some exceptional circumstances, have a responsibility to support their aims when we can whether that is financial, practical or both.
    • Tabbytabitha
    • By Tabbytabitha 12th Apr 18, 9:07 AM
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    Tabbytabitha
    If the parents can afford it and their children need it (sometimes even if they don't if IHT is a factor) then it probably goes on for life.
    We bring them into this world and, apart from some exceptional circumstances, have a responsibility to support their aims when we can whether that is financial, practical or both.
    Originally posted by newatc
    Parents have a responsibility to give their children the best upbringing and education they possibly can so that they can become independent adults, even if there's disagreement as to when that is. To think they have the responsibility of supporting them into middle age and beyond (apart from emotional support) just suggests to me that something's gone very wrong with the upbringing/educational stage. (Treating and vulnerability being obvious exceptions.)
    • NBLondon
    • By NBLondon 12th Apr 18, 10:26 AM
    • 2,340 Posts
    • 11,778 Thanks
    NBLondon
    There's a difference between a) supporting an adult child indirectly by paying for things for grandchildren (to allow the parents to focus limited income on other necessities) b) supporting an adult child who for whatever reason is struggling themselves (includes paying for holidays because there would be none on the child's income) c) treating an adult child because you have much more disposable income and d) supporting an adult child who is capable of supporting themselves but chooses not to and even e) controlling an adult child by dissuading them from even trying to support themself.
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    • Teacher2
    • By Teacher2 12th Apr 18, 10:50 AM
    • 337 Posts
    • 2,595 Thanks
    Teacher2
    When bailing them out prevents them taking responsibility.
    When you do it as a means of control.
    When you need them to be dependent on you to validate yourself.
    When they don't appreciate the value of money.
    When they have an attitude of entitlement.
    When they keep repeating the same mistakes.
    When other people you care for are negatively impacted.
    When you start to resent it.
    Originally posted by Detroit
    Very insightful.
    • Teacher2
    • By Teacher2 12th Apr 18, 10:56 AM
    • 337 Posts
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    Teacher2
    "How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child." King Lear.
    I think it is always nice to help your children if you can and if they appreciate it. Liberal parents suggests that the parents pay and pay and pay and the children rudely take the largesse for granted and go their own way, often trashing their parents' values on their parents' money. I feel this is wrong. My children were brought up to appreciate what others do for them and to say thank you. I have been very impressed with their attitude as adults. They are lovely if we help them and often refuse help as they wish to be independent.
    • d61step
    • By d61step 12th Apr 18, 11:00 AM
    • 2 Posts
    • 13 Thanks
    d61step
    In my case i do know it's not just because they are getting a free holiday,as last year my husband and i holidayed on our own.
    .We don't put any pressure on them, its entirely up to them..This year it's the whole family again.Life is for living and i know, we are lucky to be able to financially help them out, so why not help if you can.
    After all, the financial help is better for them and us now.Rather than later when we are no longer here to see them enjoy it.The biggest winner then is the tax man who gets an even bigger share!
    And yes, we are aware of how much we can gift annually.
    • mattpaint
    • By mattpaint 12th Apr 18, 12:25 PM
    • 239 Posts
    • 465 Thanks
    mattpaint
    Parents have a responsibility to give their children the best upbringing and education they possibly can so that they can become independent adults, even if there's disagreement as to when that is. To think they have the responsibility of supporting them into middle age and beyond (apart from emotional support) just suggests to me that something's gone very wrong with the upbringing/educational stage. (Treating and vulnerability being obvious exceptions.)
    Originally posted by Tabbytabitha
    So you're completely against inheritance and things like trust funds/investment accounts set up for children?
    • ska lover
    • By ska lover 12th Apr 18, 2:11 PM
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    ska lover
    I think there's an enormous difference between treating adult children and being a contributor to their everyday budget..
    Originally posted by Tabbytabitha

    I couldn't agree more, there are different mind sets and different expectations on both side.


    I think some people are confusing the two but I don't see they are comparable

    Edited to add:-

    Not aimed at you TabbyTabitha - Just thinking further about this and I do not see that the ''regular financial support'' that I mentioned in post one.. is in any way the same as paying for luxury holidays or why that has even come in to it, if I am honest. The thread has come a different direction from the original question.

    It just goes to show how poles apart some of our lives are - I don't know anyone whose parents can afford to treat them to holidays.

    I was asking about regular financial support as in basic bills not luxury treats.
    Last edited by ska lover; 12-04-2018 at 2:42 PM.
    The opposite of what you know...is also true
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