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    • ska lover
    • By ska lover 9th Apr 18, 7:49 PM
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    ska lover
    When to stop financially supporting adult kids
    • #1
    • 9th Apr 18, 7:49 PM
    When to stop financially supporting adult kids 9th Apr 18 at 7:49 PM
    As above really - when did you stop ''regularly' financially supporting your adult offspring?

    Following on from a conversation I had recently with a friend and we both had quite differing view points on this.

    I would be interested to hear what, if any, financial assistance people happily give their adult kids or did you feel adult kid was relying too much whilst you went without in middle age?

    BTW i hate the term ''adult kids'' I just can't think of a better way to term it

    I know there are no right or wrong answers to this
    The opposite of what you know...is also true
Page 2
    • Out, Vile Jelly
    • By Out, Vile Jelly 10th Apr 18, 10:33 AM
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    Out, Vile Jelly
    My dad paid my rent and a small allowance at university (no fees!); I've not asked for anything since. I lived at home for peppercorn rent for a few months in between jobs in my early 20s, which was helpful, but it was definitely temporary.

    I personally think the only circumstances in which adult offspring should receive regular income from parents are:

    -if studying for a qualification that will genuinely enhance their career prospects, or is truly vocational and life-changing
    -if recovering from a health or other crisis (ie a small business with customers that haven't paid, complicated divorce)

    If adults need regular financial assistance something is wrong with their lifestyle or life choices. What if the parents suddenly become ill or have to retire early?
    They are an EYESORES!!!!
    • ska lover
    • By ska lover 10th Apr 18, 10:36 AM
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    ska lover
    My parents could not afford to get involved financially, after we had all moved out (early 90's) - if we got into a scrape, lost a job, had an unexpected bill - we siblings would borrow from each other, but always always return the cash, there was no giving (and rightly so)
    The opposite of what you know...is also true
    • ska lover
    • By ska lover 10th Apr 18, 10:37 AM
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    ska lover
    If adults need regular financial assistance something is wrong with their lifestyle or life choices. What if the parents suddenly become ill or have to retire early?
    Originally posted by Out, Vile Jelly

    I know, that was my point with my friend, how is it possibly sustainable. Folk get comfortable with a certain way of life.
    The opposite of what you know...is also true
    • Tabbytabitha
    • By Tabbytabitha 10th Apr 18, 10:48 AM
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    Tabbytabitha
    My dad paid my rent and a small allowance at university (no fees!); I've not asked for anything since. I lived at home for peppercorn rent for a few months in between jobs in my early 20s, which was helpful, but it was definitely temporary.

    I personally think the only circumstances in which adult offspring should receive regular income from parents are:

    -if studying for a qualification that will genuinely enhance their career prospects, or is truly vocational and life-changing
    -if recovering from a health or other crisis (ie a small business with customers that haven't paid, complicated divorce)

    If adults need regular financial assistance something is wrong with their lifestyle or life choices.
    What if the parents suddenly become ill or have to retire early?
    Originally posted by Out, Vile Jelly
    And, if they ask their parents for this, something's gone wrong with their parenting.
    • Tabbytabitha
    • By Tabbytabitha 10th Apr 18, 10:53 AM
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    Tabbytabitha
    As the youngest child in my family i have always found this to be a hot topic.

    My two oldest siblings both regularly receive financial and "other" support (free childcare ect) on a weekly basis, but my sibling just above me (3rd) had to move back home last year due to the breakdown of a 10 year relationship, resulting in her having to leave her work and move over 100 miles to start afresh - and has had nothing but aggro from the parents about it.

    Two oldest aren't responsible, cant hold jobs down or relationships. Prioritise nights out instead of their children.

    3rd works hard, saves her money, and is trying to build her life back up after a real low. she hopes to move out soon. Parents are "cutting her off" from financial help - so making her pay additional rent, own food, and the like, making it harder for her to save to move out...


    Personally, i think it depends on the efforts being made by the child. Im the youngest, got some help to clear some debt when buying a house, but since i was 18 i have worked full time, paid rent every month, never borrowed from them until i was gifted this money.
    Originally posted by Katapolt
    That doesn't sound like "cutting her off" more like expecting an adult to pay her own way.
    • maman
    • By maman 10th Apr 18, 10:59 AM
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    maman
    My parents could not afford to get involved financially, after we had all moved out (early 90's) - if we got into a scrape, lost a job, had an unexpected bill - we siblings would borrow from each other, but always always return the cash, there was no giving (and rightly so)
    Originally posted by ska lover
    One person's "financially supporting" is another's "helping out". For our family, the helping out is a lifelong thing: It could be hard cash in the form of an interest-free loan, or a donation to help with a move or major bill, or an invite to come on holiday free of charge. All of those have been done by us or for us, with our parents and children. We're lucky enough to have a bit of spare cash these days, so why wouldn't we want to make life a little easier for those we love?
    Originally posted by Alikay

    I can see that you'd be in a different situation ska lover if your parents couldn't afford it and presumably siblings could help out so perhaps afford to lend but not to give. So, of course, it's 'rightly so' to pay back money that's been borrowed.


    That doesn't mean that parents can't give if they are in a position to do so and want to though.


    For me though, I would differentiate between treats and paying for necessities because the child has been irresponsible. I agree with tabby that if you've brought up your child to be financially responsible it shouldn't happen in the normal course of events.


    Obviously I understand that we can't give too much personal information on these threads, but in the case of your friend, why are they paying for essentials for the grown up child? I'd have a very different view if they'd perhaps been made redundant than if they had sufficient income but chose to spend it in the pub.
    • Alikay
    • By Alikay 10th Apr 18, 11:16 AM
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    Alikay

    That doesn't mean that parents can't give if they are in a position to do so and want to though.
    Originally posted by maman
    It's not always the parent giving to a grown up child: Often it's the other way around. We, and several of our friends currently have more disposable income than our elderly parents so will help the older generation out sometimes. It works both ways.
    • maman
    • By maman 10th Apr 18, 11:29 AM
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    maman
    It's not always the parent giving to a grown up child: Often it's the other way around. We, and several of our friends currently have more disposable income than our elderly parents so will help the older generation out sometimes. It works both ways.
    Originally posted by Alikay

    That's right, and if I needed to do that of course I would.


    Unfortunately, the way the housing market and the economy has been handled in recent years it's increasingly young people that need help though.
    • Alikay
    • By Alikay 10th Apr 18, 11:38 AM
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    Alikay
    That's right, and if I needed to do that of course I would.


    Unfortunately, the way the housing market and the economy has been handled in recent years it's increasingly young people that need help though.
    Originally posted by maman
    Yes, but don't forget that there are scores (and likely to be more in the not-too-distant future) of elderly people whose grown up children are having to pay top-up fees for their parents' care.
    • Tabbytabitha
    • By Tabbytabitha 10th Apr 18, 11:48 AM
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    Tabbytabitha
    It's not always the parent giving to a grown up child: Often it's the other way around. We, and several of our friends currently have more disposable income than our elderly parents so will help the older generation out sometimes. It works both ways.
    Originally posted by Alikay
    By the time I left university in my late twenties (mature student), my parents had just retired so I looked on it that it was my job to help them out, not the other way round. Even if I'd gone at the normal time, retirement would have been looming for them and it would have been very wrong for me to take money from them, particularly as I earned more than they (individually) did.
    • Tabbytabitha
    • By Tabbytabitha 10th Apr 18, 11:49 AM
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    Tabbytabitha
    Yes, but don't forget that there are scores (and likely to be more in the not-too-distant future) of elderly people whose grown up children are having to pay top-up fees for their parents' care.
    Originally posted by Alikay
    Only if they have parents who don't own their own home and are in the small minorityof elderly people who ever need residential care.
    • Alikay
    • By Alikay 10th Apr 18, 12:00 PM
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    Alikay
    Only if they have parents who don't own their own home and are in the small minorityof elderly people who ever need residential care.
    Originally posted by Tabbytabitha
    My close friends' elderly parents are in residential care due to very high needs (one physically incapacitated, one with dementia) which costs nearly 10,000 per month Their modest home covered less than a year, so now friends will have to find top-up fees or the parents will be seperated and given a care package that doesn't adequately meet their needs. They may be a minority now, but my friends are now in contact with others in a similar position and that minority is growing at a fast rate.
    • maman
    • By maman 10th Apr 18, 12:33 PM
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    maman
    Only if they have parents who don't own their own home and are in the small minorityof elderly people who ever need residential care.
    Originally posted by Tabbytabitha
    But there's also a much larger majority of older people who own their own homes and have a decent occupational pension now than is likely to the case for the younger generation.
    • ska lover
    • By ska lover 10th Apr 18, 1:42 PM
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    ska lover
    I can see that you'd be in a different situation ska lover if your parents couldn't afford it and presumably siblings could help out so perhaps afford to lend but not to give. So, of course, it's 'rightly so' to pay back money that's been borrowed.


    That doesn't mean that parents can't give if they are in a position to do so and want to though.


    .
    Originally posted by maman


    Ahh Yes of course. Each should do what they feel is right or can afford and not feel guilty about their choices or reasons either way


    From what I can see, it does seem that this current generation of twenty-somethings have a completely different time of things than their parents = for better or worse it's a whole new world out there
    The opposite of what you know...is also true
    • Tabbytabitha
    • By Tabbytabitha 10th Apr 18, 3:22 PM
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    Tabbytabitha
    My close friends' elderly parents are in residential care due to very high needs (one physically incapacitated, one with dementia) which costs nearly 10,000 per month Their modest home covered less than a year, so now friends will have to find top-up fees or the parents will be seperated and given a care package that doesn't adequately meet their needs. They may be a minority now, but my friends are now in contact with others in a similar position and that minority is growing at a fast rate.
    Originally posted by Alikay
    I think that the numbers may be increasing as the population ages but I don't think the percentage of people needing residential care is going up.
    • Katapolt
    • By Katapolt 10th Apr 18, 4:58 PM
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    Katapolt
    That doesn't sound like "cutting her off" more like expecting an adult to pay her own way.
    Originally posted by Tabbytabitha
    Fair enough - i think its a bit odd to tell your adult child they have to do their own grocery shopping and cook all meals separate despite living all in one rather modest 3 bed house - but maybe that's just me. meals should be about family time, not everyone cooking separately and going into hiding.

    She was already paying her rent when this was done.
    FTB 2017
    Currently dealing with a Quarter Life Crisis
    • Judi
    • By Judi 10th Apr 18, 7:10 PM
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    Judi
    When bailing them out prevents them taking responsibility.
    When you do it as a means of control.
    When you need them to be dependent on you to validate yourself.
    When they don't appreciate the value of money.
    When they have an attitude of entitlement.
    When they keep repeating the same mistakes.
    When other people you care for are negatively impacted.
    When you start to resent it.
    Originally posted by Detroit
    Brilliant post. Thank you.
    'Holy crap on a cracker!'
    • Tabbytabitha
    • By Tabbytabitha 10th Apr 18, 7:11 PM
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    Tabbytabitha
    Fair enough - i think its a bit odd to tell your adult child they have to do their own grocery shopping and cook all meals separate despite living all in one rather modest 3 bed house - but maybe that's just me. meals should be about family time, not everyone cooking separately and going into hiding.

    She was already paying her rent when this was done.
    Originally posted by Katapolt
    You didn't mention all that in your post, you just said "so making her pay additional rent, own food, and the like".
    • Spendless
    • By Spendless 10th Apr 18, 8:25 PM
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    Spendless
    Hi there,


    Just for clarification as people are asking, we weren't talking treats as such, more like regular living costs: Rent, food .. for a mid 20 year old
    Originally posted by ska lover
    Rent and food for a mid-20s who lives alone?

    Why the reason for not paying it themselves? If it's a case of suddenly losing a job, flatmate doing a midnight flit, break-up of live in gf/bf, illness meaning need to reduce hours - yes ok.

    Or is it, someone that is partying constantly, booking expensive holidays, buying new clothes/make-up every week, that's a different matter.

    Or is this a mid 20s still living with parent/s who are subsidising the cost of living at home.
    • KxMx
    • By KxMx 10th Apr 18, 9:17 PM
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    KxMx
    Fair enough - i think its a bit odd to tell your adult child they have to do their own grocery shopping and cook all meals separate despite living all in one rather modest 3 bed house - but maybe that's just me. meals should be about family time, not everyone cooking separately and going into hiding.

    She was already paying her rent when this was done.
    Originally posted by Katapolt
    I'm 31 & still live at home due to illness with my Mother.

    I buy nearly all my own food and cook either for myself or for both of us.

    Sometimes we want different things or to eat at different times and as adults work out the best way to share space etc.

    I don't find anything odd about what you posted about their arrangement. I'm not a child obliged to take part in family meals. As an adult I get to choose when and what I eat.

    Maybe look at it more as adults living together rather than a parent/child dynamic especially given the age of "child".

    I certainly strive for an adults living together arrangement over a parent/child relationship. Because we are two adults living together, who just happen to be family.
    Last edited by KxMx; 10-04-2018 at 9:20 PM.
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